Fun with Tombstones

demo_tombstone As we all know, Halloween revolves around a lot of things that scare us be it gore, mutilation, ghosts, the supernatural or large insects and spiders. Yet, one of the very real concepts that many of us fear is death, which is basically the cessation of one’s existence altogether. Whether it be through natural causes or otherwise, we will all die someday and while there are things we could do to delay it, there’s nothing we can do about it. We can, however, get our affairs in order and make our funeral arrangements, which many elderly people do since they know the end is near anyway. It’s been a tradition in modern Western society to be buried in cemeteries and erect tombstones on our graves so our surviving relatives, friends, and descendants could visit us after we’re gone. I myself go to a cemetery nearby my house during my routine morning walks. Most gravestones usually have the name of the deceased as well as life dates. A lot of times they may share a tombstone with a spouse, have some indicator of military service, or perhaps a place pertaining to the life dates. As for decorations, some may have religious symbols like a cross, Jesus, Mary, an angel, or a star of David. Some may have a lamb on them to say that this person died as as a child. Of course, this is dependent on Western iconography. Some may have intricate designs to show off that they knew people who could afford such monuments to them. Still, there are certain tombstones that are worth noting either for the bizarre design or containing last words to sum up their time on earth or what not. And you won’t believe the pictures I’ve found on Google. So without further ado on this Halloween season, here are some amusing tombstones for your pleasure. 1. And here’s to you the alcoholic serial monogamist.

Now if the liver cirrhosis didn't kill him at 62, then the divorce settlement might've had something to do with it. Not to mention, the fact his nephews and nieces erected his tombstone.

Now if the liver cirrhosis didn’t kill him at 62, then the divorce settlement might’ve had something to do with it. Not to mention, the fact his nephews and nieces erected his tombstone.

2. Sure he may have died at 42, but damn did he lead an interesting life.

Yes, I'm sure that Ronald Eugene Smith is surely a swell guy. Yet, perhaps having an adventurous life may have led to his death at 42. Also, I'm sure he didn't learn fast or acted quickly enough.

Yes, I’m sure that Ronald Eugene Smith is surely a swell guy. Yet, perhaps having an adventurous life may have led to his death at 42. Also, I’m sure he didn’t learn fast or acted quickly enough.

3. Here lies Naomi Thigpen Shankle.

I guess the epitaph is there because of her silly name. Seriously, it seems like her name reads like something Monty Python would make up.

I guess the epitaph is there because of her silly name. Seriously, it seems like her name reads like something Monty Python would make up.

4. Of course, this tombstone shows how a man’s love for NASCAR seemed to go beyond the grave.

Well, I got to say that this is the most expensive tombstone for a race car buff I've ever seen. Of course, this grave might belong to a race car driver which is more understandable.

Well, I got to say that this is the most expensive tombstone for a race car buff I’ve ever seen. Of course, this grave might belong to a race car driver which is more understandable.

5. Now I guess Dave didn’t seem too bright when he chased that bear into a cave.

Yeah, I'm sure being an intruder in a ursuline home invasion will sure kill you and possibly lead to a Darwin Award.

Yeah, I’m sure being an intruder in a home invasion in a bear cave will sure kill you and possibly lead to a Darwin Award. I’m sure chasing a bear isn’t going to turn out well, especially if the bear’s a mama.

6. R. I. P. Jonathan Blake, victim of his own disorderly driving.

Now, kids, that's what your tombstone may look like if you decide to step on the gas instead of the brake, in the event of a head on collision. So please don't end up like Jonathan Blake.

Now, kids, that’s what your tombstone may look like if you decide to step on the gas instead of the brake, in the event of a head on collision. So please don’t end up like Jonathan Blake.

7. So who says that you can’t call people after they die?

This is perhaps coming from a Jewish cemetery or one in Israel. Still, it may not work but it probably costs just as much as anything new Apple now comes out with.

This is perhaps coming from a Jewish cemetery or one in Israel. Still, it may not work but it probably costs just as much as anything new Apple now comes out with.

8. Oh, poor Rex, another dog lost to the Chinese Restaurant industry.

Then again, Rex's life dates indicate that he was 14 years old. Let's just say, if that Asian kid didn't ask to wok him, then it's very possible that the vet would've put him to sleep.

Then again, Rex’s life dates indicate that he was 14 years old. Let’s just say, if that Asian kid didn’t ask to wok him, then it’s very possible that the vet would’ve put him to sleep.

9. Man, these Dotterweichs sure are an unlucky bunch.

Now I see a lot of kids' graves at the local cemetery. And kids' graves aren't an unusual sight at graveyards at all particularly in the older sections. Yet, I'm sure the Dotterweich children all dying in the icy pond just makes you wonder what happened in that scenario.

Now I see a lot of kids’ graves at the local cemetery. And children’s’ graves aren’t an unusual sight at graveyards at all particularly in the older sections since there were a lot of things that killed kids in those days. Yet, I’m sure the Dotterweich children all drowning in the icy pond just makes you wonder what happened in that case. I mean ponds aren’t that deep.

10. Why not grace your tombstone with this happy dancing dolphin?

This is most likely not a child's grave since the deceased was born in 1938. And let's just say, a kiddie grave back in her childhood wouldn't feature dolphins! Yet, why she wanted a happy dolphin on her tombstone, I don't have the slightest idea. I mean it kind of just defies everything I'd imagine a grave stone to look like.

This is most likely not a child’s grave since the deceased was born in 1938. And let’s just say, a kiddie grave back in her childhood wouldn’t feature dolphins! Yet, why she wanted a happy dolphin on her tombstone, I don’t have the slightest idea. I mean it kind of just defies everything I’d imagine a grave stone to look like.

11. Of course, there is always one large cavity all dentists fill.

That's right, I'm talking about a large manmade geological cavity called, "a hole in the ground" this dentist is currently filling.

That’s right, I’m talking about a large manmade geological cavity called, “a hole in the ground” this dentist is currently filling.

12. Poor Jerry Farrer didn’t seem to have the kind of death he wanted.

While Jerry Farrer wanted to be shot by a jealous husband at 102, he died at 74. Then again, whether he was shot by a jealous husband or died of natural causes, I really can't say. Perhaps you should ask his wife.

While Jerry Farrer wanted to be shot by a jealous husband at 102, he died at 74. Then again, whether he was shot by a jealous husband or died of natural causes, I really can’t say. Perhaps you should ask his wife.

13. Hopefully, this would’ve been a perfect grave stone for Rev. Gerry Falwell. Then again, I think this is the wrong Teletubby.

Now this grave seems to accomplish what many thought impossible. Make one of the Teletubbies seem incredibly creepy.

Now this grave seems to accomplish what many thought impossible. Make one of the Teletubbies seem incredibly terrifying. Yeah, this one seems to prey on your dreams.

14. Though he died at 52, Lester’s tombstone nevertheless had an awesome shark design.

It also helps that this guy was a Vietnam vet and this design could've possibly been on some craft he was on. Still, how would you want to run into this grave in a cemetery?

It also helps that this guy was a Vietnam vet and this design could’ve possibly been on some craft he was on. Still, how would you want to run into this grave in a cemetery?

15. Now this guy seems to give the world a finger before he left.

Now that's nice, having a tombstone depict a hand flipping the bird. I wonder how this guy's tombstone came to be designed with this offensive gesture.

Now that’s nice, having a tombstone depict a hand flipping the bird. I wonder how this guy’s tombstone came to be designed with this offensive gesture.

16. Now I suppose that this guy was some kind of curmudgeon, I suppose.

Now I suppose by reading this tombstone, I'm sure that human nature hasn't changed all that much. We always have to have our complainers.

Now I suppose by reading this tombstone, I’m sure that human nature hasn’t changed all that much. We always have to have our complainers.

17. Of course, some guys have motorcycles. Others just have them on their tombstones or sarcophagi.

In the medical world, motorcycles are known as "donor cycles" for obvious reasons. Still, didn't stop my doctor uncle from getting one. Nevertheless, this tombstone must've been very expensive.

In the medical world, motorcycles are known as “donor cycles” for obvious reasons. Still, didn’t stop my doctor uncle from getting one. Nevertheless, this tombstone must’ve been very expensive.

18. Seems like this guy really loved to play Scrabble. Wonder what happened to him.

Remember, kids, Scabble may be an educational game of spelling. Yet, it's also a highly dangerous one and known to take those in their prime. Remember that this guy was only 21 when he was cut down.

Remember, kids, Scabble may be an educational game of spelling. Yet, it’s also a highly dangerous one and known to take those in their prime. Remember that this guy was only 21 when he was cut down.

19. Now I’m sure we all knew this would happen.

Of course, why this guy lists the names of his great grandparents, I have no idea. Still, we're all going to die someday, right?

Of course, why this guy lists the names of his great grandparents, I have no idea. Still, we’re all going to die someday, right?

20. Yes, Jesus tends to call people whenever they’re on cellphones in the car sometimes. It’s called distracted driving.

Still, judging by the beehive haircut and the 1980s cell phone, I'm sure this poor woman had passed away a while ago. Then again, maybe that's not a phone but the image just suggests she died from some cell phone related car wreck.

Still, judging by the beehive haircut and the 1980s cell phone, I’m sure this poor woman had passed away a while ago. Then again, maybe that’s not a phone but the image just suggests she died from some cell phone related car wreck in the 1980s.

21. Now be buried in style in a granite sarcophagus with your BMW convertible on top of it.

Seriously, either the car is real or it's made from granite. If it's real, then why is it on this person's grave when it should be passed on to his or her relatives? Either way, this memorial certainly didn't come cheap.

Seriously, this must’ve been a very expensive memorial to have a care on top of a sarcophagus like that. Not to mention, it looks almost eerily real if not for the wheels.  Still, if any of my relatives wanted a grave like this, I sure wouldn’t let that happen, because such concept is freaking ridiculous.

22. Guess Doris Marie Seward was so confident that she’d see the new millennium.

Then again, she almost made it, only to be cut down at the tragic young age of 82. So sad.

Then again, she almost made it, only to be cut down at the tragic young age of 82. Yes, she was an optimist indeed.

23. Now I wonder what went on here between Mr. and Mrs. Doubt.

Mrs. Doubt wants to take the back roads while Mr. Doubt says it's 5 o'clock somewhere. Hope their deaths weren't the result of some traffic accident as these quotes hint at.

Mrs. Doubt wants to take the back roads while Mr. Doubt says it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Hope their deaths weren’t the result of some traffic accident as these quotes hint at.

24. Sometimes tombstone epitaphs don’t seem to stop embarrassing those who lie in them.

I'm sure "bugger" was just a cute and affectionate nickname by his mother and not some homophobic slur from some bygone era. Then again, it's hard to tell by these tombstones alone.

I’m sure “bugger” was just a cute and affectionate nickname by his mother and not some homophobic slur from some bygone era. Then again, it’s hard to tell by these tombstones alone.

25. Kay may be gone, but her fudge recipe will live on.

Thankfully, Kay's fudge recipe is on her tombstone. So anyone with an smart phone can simply take a picture of it and get the recipe there.

Thankfully, Kay’s fudge recipe is on her tombstone. So anyone with an smart phone can simply take a picture of it and get the recipe there.

26. I guess Tomas Chinchilla seemed to clinch the wrong wallet at 22.

Since this is a Mexican tombstone, then his violent death shouldn't be a surprise. Nevertheless, God is probably watching His wallet around him.

Since this is a Mexican tombstone, then his violent death shouldn’t be a surprise. Nevertheless, God is probably watching His wallet around him.

27. Now this person certainly knows how to get in touch with old friends.

Of course, I'm not sure if Ouija boards really work but I don't know much about communicating with the dead anyway.

Of course, I’m not sure if Ouija boards really work but I don’t know much about communicating with the dead anyway. Still, how does the tombstone version work?

28. Of course, someone always has to have a grave of a grand piano.

Of course, let's just say some people in the olden days were just as creative with their graves as some people today. Of course, the marble doesn't hold up well with the rains.

Of course, let’s just say some people in the olden days were just as creative with their graves as some people today. Of course, the marble doesn’t make great material for a gravestone since it’s prone to acid rain damage.

29. I’m sure this guy is all ready for Judgement Day, if that ever comes.

Yeah, I'm sure those angels are going roll the rock away. Still, I don't get why carve a rock tombstone out of what's technically rock.

Yeah, I’m sure those angels are going roll the rock away. Still, I don’t get why carve a rock tombstone out of what’s technically rock.

30.Here this Union soldier is laid to rest in his marble tent.

Now this is interesting. Bet this guy either died in the war and had family with the money to give him a fitting tribute, or he lusted after his glory days.

Now this is interesting. Bet this guy either died in the war and had family with the money to give him a fitting tribute, or he lusted after his glory days.

31. A fitting tribute for a great electrician if there ever was one.

Now I'm sure the family had a bright idea to erect a tombstone for him with a light bulb and electrical outlet. Hope he didn't fall prey to any occupational hazards.

Now I’m sure the family had a bright idea to erect a tombstone for him with a light bulb and electrical outlet. Hope he didn’t fall prey to any occupational hazards.

32. Of course, with a computer on his or her grave, this person is always online.

Still, I'm not sure whether this computer is a Mac or a PC. Then again, it probably doesn't even work to begin with.

Still, I’m not sure whether this computer is a Mac or a PC. Then again, it probably doesn’t even work to begin with.

33. Wonder what happened to this couple?

Yes, it's very likely that these two probably died in some terrible accident and it's the left person's fault. This is as far as I could tell.

Yes, it’s very likely that these two probably died in some terrible accident and it’s the left person’s fault. This is as far as I could tell.

34. Now this epitaph would be perfect on the Dowager Countess’s tombstone.

Just so you know the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey is the one played by Maggie Smith. Nevertheless, this just suits her character perfectly.

Just so you know the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey is the one played by Maggie Smith. Nevertheless, this just suits her character perfectly.

35. Yeah, dude, but be lucky that your skin wasn’t turn into a saddle ridden by fat, ugly, men.

Of course, I don't know why any guy would want this carved on his tombstone because it sounds pretty sick. Still, luckily his man didn't get his wish.

Of course, I don’t know why any guy would want this carved on his tombstone because it sounds pretty sick. Still, luckily his man didn’t get his wish.

36. Well, she could say that again.

Still, shit happens and then you die like this woman. Nevertheless, what's with the Indian figurine on her tombstone.

Still, shit happens and then you die like this woman. Nevertheless, what’s with the Indian figurine on her tombstone.

37. I don’t know about you but Met Life seems to be an interesting place to work at.

Sure this guy may have an interesting last day. Yet, though I may be unemployed, this inscription doesn't make me want to work for MetLife.

Sure this guy may have an interesting last day. Yet, though I may be unemployed, this inscription doesn’t make me want to work for MetLife.

38. Well, I’m sure you can’t be good at everything, even at your job sometimes.

According to his Mexican tombstone, Pancrazio Juvenales was a wonderful husband and father but terrible electrician. I wonder which of those three distinctions killed him at 25?

According to his Mexican tombstone, Pancrazio Juvenales was a wonderful husband and father but terrible electrician. I wonder which of those three distinctions killed him at 25?

39. Now this guy’s copper statue can’t wait to get out of his tomb.

Either George is a zombie or he just can't wait till Judgement Day. Either way, his family must've spent a fortune on this sarcophagus.

Either George is a zombie or he just can’t wait till Judgement Day. Either way, his family must’ve spent a fortune on this sarcophagus.

40. Here lies Harv and may he be remembered for seeing all these bands in concert.

Man, this guy has been to a lot of concerts consisting of 1970s and 1980s musical artists. There's Queen, Styx, Pat Benatar, Quiet Riot, Toto, Ted Nugent, Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, and many more.

Man, this guy has been to a lot of concerts consisting of 1970s and 1980s musical artists. There’s Queen, Styx, Pat Benatar, Quiet Riot, Toto, Ted Nugent, Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, and many more.

41. Here lies George Campell, husband to 4 different women.

Let's hope he wasn't married to them all at the same time or served as a member of  some Mormon polygamist cult. Still, love the epitaph, "I'm so happy here...I could just shit!"

Let’s hope he wasn’t married to them all at the same time or served as a member of some Mormon polygamist cult. Still, love the epitaph, “I’m so happy here…I could just shit!”

42. So here lies Joseph William Burdet who died in his sleep at 52.

Something tells me he died in his sleep while he was at the wheel. I why I suspect this. Oh, yeah, the car carving on the top is kind of a dead giveaway. Yeah, falling asleep at the wheel could do that.

Something tells me he died in his sleep while he was at the wheel. I why I suspect this. Oh, yeah, the car carving on the top is kind of a dead giveaway. Yeah, falling asleep at the wheel could do that.

43. Of course, everyone should’ve known William Hahn was sick before he passed.

Looks like he lived to be 75 which isn't bad. Nevertheless, people do get sick and die of natural causes from that age. Hahn's family should've known.

Looks like he lived to be 75 which isn’t bad. Nevertheless, people do get sick and die of natural causes from that age. Hahn’s family should’ve known.

44. In the game of life, we always go into the whole on this deal as Eric W. Jr. said.

Still, I think this is part of a couple tombstone, since his last name isn't on the picture. Nevertheless, yeah, the deal with life would put you into a hole, literally.

Still, I think this is part of a couple tombstone, since his last name isn’t on the picture. Nevertheless, yeah, the deal with life would put you into a hole, literally.

45. R. I. P. James M. Brown, proof that a Texas Ranger shouldn’t mess with someone from the Chicago PD.

Sure a Texas Ranger may be a brave and noble soul in the West but he met his end at Chicago's Garfield Park Race Track, thanks to the local PD. Looks like he wasn't all that clean as he's made up to be. Then again, Western law enforcement was known to be ridden with ex-cons and corrupt as hell.

Sure a Texas Ranger may be a brave and noble soul in the West but he met his end at Chicago’s Garfield Park Race Track, thanks to the local PD. Looks like he wasn’t all that clean as he’s made up to be. Then again, Western law enforcement was known to be ridden with ex-cons and corrupt as hell.

46. Oh, that’s a nice epitaph for John, which was written by his friends. He must have great friends.

When you read the first letters of each line, you realize that John's friends are basically telling him to "Fuck You."

When you read the first letters of each line, you realize that John’s friends are basically telling him to “Fuck You.” Pretty clever stealth insult I daresay.

47. Here lies Lester More, victim of some gunfight in Tombstone, AZ.

Yes, 4 slugs from a .44 could kill you like Lester More. Guess he pissed off the wrong gunfighter and was slow on the draw.

Yes, 4 slugs from a .44 could kill you like Lester More. Guess he pissed off the wrong gunfighter and was slow on the draw.

48. Make your grave site accommodating to your family and get a granite tombstone living room set.

Of course, this tombstone living room set might be unaffordable to most people. Still, if it wasn't made from granite, I'd take this set for my actual living room.

Of course, this tombstone living room set might be unaffordable to most people. Still, if it wasn’t made from granite, I’d take this set for my actual living room.

49. Lawrence L. Cook Jr. should’ve been faithful to his wife or his wife wouldn’t have killed him in a crime of passion.

Of course, this is what happens to some married guys who can't keep it in their pants. Well, that or what you'd see from Fatal Attraction.

Of course, this is what happens to some married guys who can’t keep it in their pants. Well, that or what you’d see from Fatal Attraction.

50. Seems like whoever under this sarcophagus really liked cows.

Is that guy sucking that cow's udder? Oh, God, that's just nasty! Still, why do they have this as a tombstone? Cemeteries should appeal to a G-rated audience for you never know if a kid is going to be there.

Is that guy sucking that cow’s udder? Oh, God, that’s just nasty! Still, why do they have this as a tombstone? Cemeteries should appeal to a G-rated audience for you never know if a kid is going to be there.

51. Here lies a tombstone with a parking meter?

Of course, if you stay at this woman's grave longer than expected, you may be ticketed or towed.

Of course, if you stay at this woman’s grave long after your time expires, you may be ticketed or towed. Still, why? Then again, she’s already expired.

52. Guess somebody seemed to like CCR a little too much.

Yet, whether this CCR fan was the deceased or the engraver, we'll never know. Still, "don't go 'round tonight, it's bound to end your life. There's a bathroom on the right" Wait, I mean "bad moon on the rise."

Yet, whether this CCR fan was the deceased or the engraver, we’ll never know. Still, “Don’t go around tonight, Well, it’s bound to take your life. There’s a bathroom on the right” Wait, I mean “bad moon on the rise.”

53. Man, someone must really have it in for the Democrats.

Of course, this guy lived during the Jacksonian Era when the Democratic Party consisted of many guys from the South who owned slaves. So perhaps he wasn't as crazy as the Republican bunch we have today.

Of course, this guy lived during the Jacksonian Era when the Democratic Party consisted of many guys from the South who owned slaves. So perhaps he wasn’t as crazy as the Republican bunch we have today.

54. Here lies an Austrailian Seaman who died during WWII nicknamed, “Chika”?

You don't think of a WWII Navy Seaman when you hear the name "Chicka" do you? Well, I guess not, but they seemed to have existed at one point.

You don’t think of a WWII Navy Seaman when you hear the name “Chicka” do you? Well, I guess not, but they seemed to have existed at one point.

55. Here lies Miguelin, gone to that low rider in the sky.

My mom once counseled a woman whose family was fighting over whether to bury her deceased father in his Corvette. Of course, it seems that you can bury someone in a low rider in Latin America or so it seems.

My mom once counseled a woman whose family was fighting over whether to bury her deceased father in his Corvette. Of course, it seems that you can bury someone in a low rider in Latin America or so it seems.

56. Nothing makes a dead person seem so sleazy like a pool table on your tombstone.

Strange, this is for a couple, not a guy who'd have a Dogs Playing Poker picture. Still, let's say the tombstone was the man's idea.

Strange, this is for a couple, not a guy who’d have a Dogs Playing Poker picture. Still, let’s say the tombstone was the man’s idea.

57. Looks like the Ivisons found a place to park in Georgetown.

Then again, they may have found a place to park in Georgetown, but they didn't get there at the same time.

Then again, they may have found a place to park in Georgetown, but they didn’t get there at the same time.

58. R. I. P. Fred, killed by rock.

Read this tombstone as a reminder to be wary of large falling rocks that could hit your head. If you want to live, no less.

Read this tombstone as a reminder to be wary of large falling rocks that could hit your head. If you want to live, no less.

59. Rest in Peace Gustava and by the way, your Ricardo is a cheapskate.

So what if Ricardo didn't give any money to pay for his dad's grave? Then again, being that this grave's in Mexico, he could have a ton of excuses like being poor or having to worry about drug cartels.

So what if Ricardo didn’t give any money to pay for his dad’s grave? Then again, being that this grave’s in Mexico, he could have a ton of excuses like being poor or having to worry about drug cartels.

60. Now a cemetery on land is the last place I’d see Spongebob Squarepants, especially in uniform.

Now I may have seen many things in a cemetery, but I haven't seen a monument quite like this. Still, I don't think Spongebob has a place in a cemetery, and why erect such a monument in the first place?

Now I may have seen many things in a cemetery, but I haven’t seen a monument quite like this. Still, I don’t think Spongebob has a place in a cemetery, and why erect such a monument in the first place?

61. R. I. P. Bill Kugle, no fan of Republicans.

Of course, I don't vote for Republicans either but that because they're just crazy, egocentrically religious nutjobs, Corporate American lapdogs, idiots or all of the above in my book. Of course, this is jut my political opinion but I could see Kugle's point.

Of course, I don’t vote for Republicans either but that because they’re just crazy, egocentrically religious nutjobs, Corporate American lapdogs, idiots or all of the above in my book. Of course, this is jut my political opinion but I could see Kugle’s point.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, this person has logged out.

Let's just hope that "connection reset by peer" isn't synonymous with "murder," shall we? Still, too bad he didn't live past 28.

Let’s just hope that “connection reset by peer” isn’t synonymous with “murder,” shall we? Still, too bad he didn’t live past 28.

63. Of course, fender could be a lot of things in our culture, but I think the one on this tombstone refers to a saddle.

Judging by the tombstone being made from a possibly marble (meaning "old"), it's likely that Wathel Bender was killed in some literal foul horseplay or some equine accident if you will. Also, who names their kid Wathel?

Judging by the tombstone being made from a possibly marble (meaning “old”), it’s likely that Wathel Bender was killed in some literal foul horseplay or some equine accident if you will. Also, who names their kid Wathel?

64. According to his epitaph, this guy was a bit of a drinker.

Sure Grover Cleveland Nichols may have liked his whiskey, but it's amazing that he lived to be 87 as you see by his life dates.

Sure Grover Cleveland Nichols may have liked his whiskey, but it’s amazing that he lived to be 87 as you see by his life dates. Of course, he may have stopped drinking by that time but we’ll never know.

65. Of course, you might be able to parallel park at this tomb sites but the parking meters are both expired.

Still, I wonder about the identities about this couple buried here. I mean I can't even read the tombstone since it's so flat.

Still, I wonder about the identities about this couple buried here. I mean I can’t even read the tombstone since it’s so flat.

66. Sure it may be a cheesy poem, but it gets creepy real quick.

Yeah, I could see why your love may be taboo. Then again, being in love with a dead (or technically dead) person is understandable. This is why a lot of kids like Twilight despite that it's a romance between a teenage girl and a 107 year old guy who attends her local high school.

Yeah, I could see why your love may be taboo. Then again, being in love with a dead (or technically dead) person is understandable. This is why a lot of kids like Twilight despite that it’s a romance between a teenage girl and a 107 year old vampire guy who attends her local high school. I think I’d rather stick to Harold & Maude and Venus when it comes to May December romance stories pertaining to teenagers.

67. It seemed that Lola S. Holt was accepting of her fate by the end.

Of course, I don't understand why the life dates had to be screwed on. The birth one, especially. I mean one should at least be certain of that.

Of course, I don’t understand why the life dates had to be screwed on. The birth one, especially. I mean one should at least be certain of that.

68. Lester Mack Fender seemed to be a bit of a fixer upper in life as I could see.

Now I hope the guy didn't have some sort of screw loose before he kicked the bucket. Still, a wrench is a perfect tombstone for those Mr. Fixit types, isn't it?

Now I hope the guy didn’t have some sort of screw loose before he kicked the bucket. Still, a wrench is a perfect tombstone for those Mr. Fixit types, isn’t it?

69. Of course, how about place the deceased’s photo on the piano grave stone?

Yes, they put photos on graves stones back in 1911 though it's probably much more difficult and expensive than it is now. Same goes for the piano tombstone, which is a spinet, I believe.

Yes, they put photos on graves stones back in 1911 though it’s probably much more difficult and expensive than it is now. Same goes for the piano tombstone, which is a spinet, I believe.

70. Seems like this guy’s love for Star Wars lived on beyond the grave.

Then again, I bet his favorite Star Wars character was perhaps the wrinkly green guy who most people could imitate. Too bad this kid died before he could see Yoda kick ass in the prequels.

Then again, I bet his favorite Star Wars character was perhaps the wrinkly green guy who most people could imitate. Too bad this kid died before he could see Yoda kick ass in the prequels.

71. Some children’s graves have lambs, others have actual children on them.

I don't know about you, but does anyone else think these graves stones are incredibly creepy? Seriously, they are.

I don’t know about you, but does anyone else think these graves stones are incredibly creepy? Seriously, kiddie graves are scary enough but ones with babies in cribs or high chair, well, eek.

72. Two roads, one choice. Where will John Payn go now that he’s dead? Well, there’s only one way to find out.

Will John get to spend his eternal days in heaven or will he suffer the fate of eternal damnation? Stay tuned for more.....eventually.

Will John get to spend his eternal days in heaven or will he suffer the fate of eternal damnation? Stay tuned for more…..eventually.

73. For man’s best friend, how about a tombstone of Snoopy on his dog house?

Of course, a granite tombstone of Snoopy wouldn't necessarily be for a dog. I mean that would just be insane wouldn't it?

Of course, a granite tombstone of Snoopy wouldn’t necessarily be for a dog. I mean that would just be insane wouldn’t it?

74. Now a clothes pin tombstone isn’t what you’d see in every cemetery.

Now I kind of understand the notion of having tombstones of Spongebob, Snoopy, or a happy dolphin. But this? Well, I just have no clue why anyone would want a granite tombstone on their graves.

Now I kind of understand the notion of having tombstones of Spongebob, Snoopy, or a happy dolphin. But this? Well, I just have no clue why anyone would want a granite tombstone on their graves.

75. Someone seems to be a big fan of the Rolling Stones. At least it’s “Paint It Black.”

Now I'm sure a tombstone like this can't get no satisfaction among the guy's parents. Well, if they were like my grandparents and still alive so to speak.

Now I’m sure a tombstone like this can’t get no satisfaction among the guy’s parents. Well, if they were like my grandparents and still alive so to speak.

NSFW Business Naming and Design

When it comes to starting a business, branding is everything. Branding is how businesses market their products and services to potential customers in a way that defines as well as advertises. Now one of the first ways to come up with a brand is in the business’s name. Think of how the name in many of the brands we see today defines the products and services in a lot of today’s enterprises. Still, to the aspiring entrepreneur, the business name could come in many different forms. Some could be just the name and the business you’re offering such as “Dan Paisley’s Auto Parts Store.” Some can be more creative like “Honest John’s Used Car Dealership” or “Handsome Greg’s Hardware Store.” Sometimes you can go with a clever name like many of the businesses in The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series like “Speedy Motors,” “Last Chance Salon,” or “The Handsome Men’s Go-Go Bar.” Yet, however you name your business, make sure it’s suited for a PG or G rated audience and defines what you’re selling. And even if you have a good business name, make sure it’s designed in aw way it doesn’t have unfortunate implications. Still, while there may be a lot of good business names out there, this isn’t the post for them. Rather it’s for those who probably should’ve considered hiring a marketing consultant but didn’t. So without further adieu, here are some bad business names and sign designs that may make you question what the hell the owner was thinking.

1. Doggy Style Pet Shop

I'm sure a great name for a pet store pertains to a sex position deriving from the idea of two dogs humping each other. Anyone who's been around dogs would know what that means.

I’m sure a great name for a pet store pertains to a sex position deriving from the idea of two dogs humping each other. Anyone who’s been around dogs would know what that means.

2. Megaflicks Video Store

While Megaflicks is a perfectly good name for a video store, perhaps the sci-fi font wasn't a good idea. Then again, this might be more appropriate sign for an adult film store.

While Megaflicks is a perfectly good name for a video store, perhaps the sci-fi font wasn’t a good idea. Then again, this might be more appropriate sign for an adult film store.

3. Know Knew Books Used Bookstore

What business owner sees as a clever pun, another sees the sign wondering if the person who designed it knows how to spell.

What business owner sees as a clever pun, another sees the sign wondering if the person who designed it knows how to spell.

4. Retarded Children’s Thrift Store

You may need to get a new business name if the one you currently have contains highly offensive term for mentally disabled people. Seriously, it's as bad as naming your football team the Redskins.

You may need to get a new business name if the one you currently have contains highly offensive term for mentally disabled people. Seriously, it’s as bad as naming your football team the Redskins.

5. Dong Welding

When choosing an appropriate name for a business, make sure yours doesn't refer to synonym for genitalia. Also, I'm sure this business name makes men cringe if they don't know anyone named Dong.

When choosing an appropriate name for a business, make sure yours doesn’t refer to synonym for genitalia. Also, I’m sure this business name makes men cringe if they don’t know anyone named Dong.

6. Stoner Drug Pharmacy

I'm sure "Stoner Drug" is a great name for a drugstore. I can see it now, "Stoner Drug: Our Stash Will Make You High." Hope this is just a medical marijuana dispensary.

I’m sure “Stoner Drug” is a great name for a drugstore. I can see it now, “Stoner Drug: Our Stash Will Make You High.” Hope this is just a medical marijuana dispensary.

7. Blood’s Seafood & Catering

Now while Blood may be a great name for a pirate captain, it's not so much for a seafood restauranteur.

Now while Blood may be a great name for a pirate captain, it’s not so much for a seafood restauranteur. Then again, you can say that for anything else other than pirate or serial killer.

8. Boring Business Systems

I'm sure if I hear if someone has "Boring" in their business name, that I might be interested in what they have to offer. Not.

I’m sure if I hear if someone has “Boring” in their business name, that I might be interested in what they have to offer. Not.

9. Hooker Cockram Construction Firm

From a comment on a Tumblr site Awkward Names: "Just found this company in our contact database. They have an employee called R. Wang. So there's a guy called R. Wang, working at a company that specialises in erections, called Hooker Cockram."

From a comment on a Tumblr site Awkward Names: “Just found this company in our contact database. They have an employee called R. Wang.
So there’s a guy called R. Wang, working at a company that specializes in erections, called Hooker Cockram.” It’s a construction company in Australia now known as just Cockram and they even have a website, too.

10. Goin’ Postal Shipping Center

Aside from being a name of a major shipping franchise, "going postal" also means becoming extremely or uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence, and usually in a workplace environment. It gets its name from a bunch of post office incidents from 1986s onwards about postal workers attacking and killing their fellow employees and managers.

Aside from being a name of a major shipping franchise, “going postal” also means becoming extremely or uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence, and usually in a workplace environment. It gets its name from a bunch of post office incidents from 1986 onwards about postal workers attacking and killing their fellow employees and managers.

11. The Barfer Shoppe Pet Food Store

Now this one gets its name from its slogan "Biologically Appropriate Raw Food for Cats and Dogs."  Of course when I hear "barfer" I usually think of someone regurgitating food that's been digested.

Now this one gets its name from its slogan “Biologically Appropriate Raw Food for Cats and Dogs.” Of course when I hear “barfer” I usually think of someone regurgitating food that’s already been digested.

12. Poo-Ping Palace Thai Cuisine

This is a Thai restaurant in Australia. Still, I'm not sure what Poo-Ping means in Thai. Then again, perhaps this sign is just explaining what happens a few hours later.

This is a Thai restaurant in Australia. Still, I’m not sure what Poo-Ping means in Thai. Then again, perhaps this sign is just explaining what happens a few hours later. Either way, still pretty funny.

13. B. A. A. D. Carpet Care

Gets its name from its slogan, "'Best All Around Deal' Company." Still, if you have "bad" in your business name, I'm sure people wouldn't want to buy it.

Gets its name from its slogan, “‘Best All Around Deal’ Company.” Still, if you have “bad” in your business name, I’m sure people wouldn’t want to buy it.

14. The Tranny Shop Auto Transmission Repair Service

Of course, "tranny" here is supposed to be short for transmission. Yet, when everyone else here's the word, "tranny," they think of someone who's been through a sex change.

Of course, “tranny” here is supposed to be short for transmission. Yet, when everyone else here’s the word, “tranny,” they think of someone who’s been through a sex change.

15. B. J. Queen Enterprises LLC Mechanical Contractor

Now I supposed, "B. J." is the guy's name. And I also suppose that he hasn't seen the South Park episode with the Jonas Brothers. Oh, and I'm sure no girl in her right mind may want to be referred to as "B. J. Queen."

Now I supposed, “B. J.” is the guy’s name. And I also suppose that he hasn’t seen the South Park episode with the Jonas Brothers. Oh, and I’m sure no girl in her right mind may want to be referred to as “B. J. Queen.”

16. Bong’s Cleaners Dry Cleaning

For the businessman who needs his designer suit cleaned after he's smoked one. I guess this is a dry cleaning store in the "Rocky Mountain High" Colorado.

For the businessman who needs his designer suit cleaned after he’s smoked one. I guess this is a dry cleaning store in the “Rocky Mountain High” Colorado.

17. Butt Drilling Water Well Engineers

This is a water well engineering firm in New Zealand. Still, I wonder if they have a lot of assholes working for them. Then again, that business probably made them assholes.

This is a water well engineering firm in New Zealand. Still, I wonder if they have a lot of assholes working for them. Then again, that business probably made them assholes.

18. Bill Buttram Photography

Of course, the logo design doesn't deter much shits and giggles either. As someone said on Awkward Names, "Buttram, with a nice logo to show a demonstration as to what is being said :)."

Of course, the logo design doesn’t deter much shits and giggles either. As someone said on Awkward Names, “Buttram, with a nice logo to show a demonstration as to what is being said :).”

19. Cock Polishing Services

For the man searching for a clean and polished look for where the sun don't shine. Of course, this won't count for the guy living in a nudist colony.

For the man searching for a clean and polished look for where the sun don’t shine. Of course, this won’t count for the guy living in a nudist colony.

20. Cuchi’s Barbershop and Beauty Salon

Of course, when I hear the word, "Cuchi" I think of a family hair salon. Actually not really. Still, I wonder if this place does Brazilians.

Of course, when I hear the word, “Cuchi” I think of a family hair salon. Actually not really. Still, I wonder if this place does Brazilians.

21. Dick’s Pumping Concrete Service

Doesn't help that their slogan is, "We'll put our hose anywhere." Still, I wonder if this business also sells those pumps to old men with erectile dysfunction.

Doesn’t help that their slogan is, “We’ll put our hose anywhere.” Still, I wonder if this business also sells those pumps to old men with erectile dysfunction.

22. The Dress Barn Clothing Store

Now there's nothing wrong with the name.  However, it's a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one's clientele livestock won't get them rushing to the door.

Now there’s nothing wrong with the name at first.
However, it’s a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one’s clientele livestock won’t get them rushing to the door.

23. Dykes Lumber Company

Probably the only Lumber Company facility in these parts that probably has speakers blasting to Melissa Etheridge music. Also, they even have their own website.

Probably the only Lumber Company facility in these parts that probably has speakers blasting to Melissa Etheridge music. Also, they even have their own website.

24. Family Beer & Liquor Store

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I'm sure they came up with "Family" just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don't think a place that sells alcoholic drinks should put "family" in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I’m sure they came up with “Family” just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don’t think a place that sells alcohol should put “family” in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

25. P. C. P. Dining Chinese Restaurant

Possibly the Chinese restaurant that offers the trippiest food in the business. Said that the food is so good, you might want to rip off you clothes and bite your neighbor for some leftovers.

Possibly the Chinese restaurant that offers the trippiest food in the business. Said that the food is so good, you might want to rip off you clothes and bite your neighbor for some leftovers.

26. Gross Convenient Store

At least this place lives up to the reputation of most convenient stores. Let's just say people are scared enough of convenient store food as it is. Not to mention, "Gross," isn't a name you'd want to use on a business sign.

At least this place lives up to the reputation of most convenient stores. Let’s just say people are scared enough of convenient store food as it is. Not to mention, “Gross,” isn’t a name you’d want to use on a business sign.

27. Hindenburger Restaurant

Basically their burgers are said to taste so great, that you'd say "Oh, the humanity!" Seriously, why name a burger place after a 1937 aviation disaster?

Basically their burgers are said to taste so great, that you’d say “Oh, the humanity!” Seriously, why name a burger place after a 1937 aviation disaster? It’s like naming a business after the Titanic.

28. Nude Furniture Store

Basically this is a store for furniture without the covers. Nevertheless, while trying to look it up on Google Images, I got more pictures of naked women than this business.

Basically this is a store for furniture without the covers. Nevertheless, while trying to look it up on Google Images, I got more pictures of naked women than this business.

29. PMS Firearms

The gun store for those women experiencing that time of the month when they need to go on a homicidal rampage. Yeah, firearms, that's what all moody women need while on their periods.

The gun store for those women experiencing that time of the month when they need to go on a homicidal rampage. Yeah, firearms, that’s what all moody women need while on their periods.

30. Prom Discount Liquors Store

Because there always has to be the store where all the high school kids get their booze on the night that leads to more teens getting pregnant and contracting STDs than any other.

Because there always has to be the store where all the high school kids get their booze on the night that leads to more teens getting pregnant and contracting STDs than any other.

31. Hump It & Dump It Waste Removal and Demolitions

This is a business in Britain. Still, it's name can also be referred to as "one night stand."  Yeah, not something that should be encouraged.

This is a business in Britain. Still, it’s name can also be referred to as “one night stand.” Yeah, not something that should be encouraged.

32. Spermies T-Shirt Design

Now seriously, what's with naming a T-shirt design business Spermies? Even worse, why is their mascot an actual sperm?

Now seriously, what’s with naming a T-shirt design business Spermies? Even worse, why is their mascot an actual sperm?

33. Butcher Family Funeral Home

Now I'm sure many people who go in there for a viewing are pleasantly surprised that the place doesn't remind them of anything related to Sweeny Todd.

Now I’m sure many people who go in there for a viewing are pleasantly surprised that the place doesn’t remind them of anything related to Sweeny Todd.

34. Booty’s House of Crabs Restaurant

I'm sure those crabs aren't the ones you get in your nether region. Still, this sign is just too dirty to ignore.

I’m sure those crabs aren’t the ones you get in your nether region. Still, this sign is just too dirty to ignore.

35. Dumploads OnUs Junk Removal Specialists

Of course, by dumping loads they mean junk, not poop. Still, I have to admit the business name certainly suits it.

Of course, by dumping loads they mean junk, not poop. Still, I have to admit the business name certainly suits it.

36. Vagina Tandoori Indian Cuisine

Now I'm sure restaurants from East Asia aren't the only ones with dirty names. Hope "vagina" doesn't mean anything inappropriate in Hindi. Then again, people in India speak a lot of different languages.

Now I’m sure restaurants from East Asia aren’t the only ones with dirty names. Hope “vagina” doesn’t mean anything inappropriate in Hindi. Then again, people in India speak a lot of different languages.

37. Fashion Do-Do Clothing Store

Basically this is the clothing store pertaining to wardrobe malfunctions. That, or designer clothes made from shit.

Basically this is the clothing store pertaining to wardrobe malfunctions. That, or designer clothes made from shit.

38. Hand Job Nails & Spa

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it's also where a man could get his dick manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it's on Castro Street in San Francisco.

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it’s also where a man could get his junk manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it’s on Castro Street in San Francisco, home of Harvey Milk.

39. Dirty Dick’s Crab House

Let's hope the crabs you got from Dirty Dick's are the ones you ate on your plate. Of course, Dirty Dick may be laden with STDs for all you know. Still, seriously, why go with the STD angle on crab shacks? Come on.

Let’s hope the crabs you got from Dirty Dick’s are the ones you ate on your plate. Of course, Dirty Dick may be laden with STDs for all you know. Still, seriously, why go with the STD angle on crab shacks? Come on. Don’t you want people to bring their kids?

40. Analtech Thin Laser Chromatography

This is a technology company that makes laser chromatographic plates. However, the name is more appropriate for a tech company that makes probes that go all the way up in your ass.

This is a technology company that makes laser chromatographic plates. However, the name is more appropriate for a tech company that makes probes that go all the way up in your ass.

41. FAG Bearings Corporation

This is a ball bearings company in Germany and apparently FAG is an abbreviation for a German saying. Yet, in English, "fag" is short for "faggot," which is a derogatory slur to gay people.

This is a ball bearings company in Germany and apparently FAG is an abbreviation for a German saying. Yet, in English, “fag” is short for “faggot,” which is a derogatory slur to gay people.

42. Suck Bang Blow Restaurant and Saloon

Despite the name, it's probably not an Asian restaurant. Actually, it's a biker bar at Myrtle Beach believe it or not. Still, I bet this sign gets a lot of complaints from parents.

Despite the name, it’s probably not an Asian restaurant. Actually, it’s a biker bar at Myrtle Beach believe it or not. Still, I bet this sign gets a lot of complaints from parents.

43. Pho King Way Noodles & Grill

Now this is one of more dirty named Asian restaurants. This one is Vietnamese. Sometimes I wonder why these Asian establishments have such names as a joke or something.

Now this is one of more dirty named Asian restaurants. This one is Vietnamese. Sometimes I wonder why these Asian establishments have such names as a joke or something.

44. The Chocolate Log Confectionary and Coffee Shop

Now there are great names for a candy and coffee store. Yet, I'm sure "chocolate log" isn't one of them because it's another word for "shit."

Now there are great names for a candy and coffee store. Yet, I’m sure “chocolate log” isn’t one of them because it’s another word for “shit.”

45. Ho-Made Restaurant

Now the "Eat In" and "Carry Out" slogan seem to give "Ho-Made" a whole new meaning. Then again "Ho-Made" is said to be short for "homemade" yet we all know what a "ho" is.

Now the “Eat In” and “Carry Out” slogan seem to give “Ho-Made” a whole new meaning. Then again “Ho-Made” is said to be short for “homemade” yet doesn’t make the sign sound less dirty does it?

46. S & M Mini Mall

S & M Mini Mall: the shopping center that caters to all your BDSM needs. I bet this is the ultimate shopping destination for the dominatrix where she could buy a gimp suit and the latest designer cat o' nine tails.

S & M Mini Mall: the shopping center that caters to all your BDSM needs. I bet this is the ultimate shopping destination for the dominatrix where she could buy a gimp suit and the latest designer cat o’ nine tails.

47. Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service

Because you never know when you'll need a cooling service that would make your house so cold that it hurts the sensitive regions of your chest.

Because you never know when you’ll need a cooling service that would make your house so cold that it hurts the sensitive regions of your chest.

48. Big Dick’s Halfway Inn Resort

Doesn't help when it's slogan is "Home of the Original Minnow Shot." Also, the arrow just kills me. Still, name of a restaurant and bar in Missouri.

Doesn’t help when it’s slogan is “Home of the Original Minnow Shot.” Also, the arrow just kills me. Still, name of a restaurant and bar in Missouri.

49. The Sweet Dairy Air Shop

Of course, while it may be a store for dairy products, the name sounds like another word for butt. Doesn't help that there's something phallic about that sheep.

Of course, while it may be a store for dairy products, the name sounds like another word for butt. Doesn’t help that there’s something phallic about that sheep.

50. Toylet Anime and Airsoft

Where anime comics and airsoft make good company. Still, I could understand anime comics at least in manga form but airsoft guns? I mean how do you play paint ball when you're sitting on the commode?

Where anime comics and airsoft make good company. Still, I could understand anime comics at least in manga form but airsoft guns? I mean how do you play paint ball when you’re sitting on the commode?

51. Herpes Pizza

Where you order pizza once and pay for it over the rest of your life. I heard the extra sores special is sensational. Still, what's with the corn ear on the sign? Seriously, what does corn have to do with pizza?

Where you order pizza once and pay for it over the rest of your life. I heard the extra sores special is sensational. Still, what’s with the corn ear on the sign? Seriously, what does corn have to do with pizza?

52. Cabbages & Condoms Thai Restaurant

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex? Then again, it's in Bangkok.

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex at the same time? Then again, it’s in Bangkok.

53. Hooker’s Funeral Home

Well, it has to be nice that there's a funeral that takes in all those poor sex workers who've been killed on cop shows. Their viewings must be very interesting.

Well, it has to be nice that there’s a funeral that takes in all those poor sex workers who’ve been killed on cop shows. Their viewings must be very interesting.

54. Kids Exchange

Never underestimate the value of spacing. If two close, the words, "kids exchange" may read "kid sex change." Yeah, it happens.

Never underestimate the value of spacing. If two close, the words, “kids exchange” may read “kid sex change.” Yeah, it happens.

55. Mammoth Erection Scaffolders

Remember this is a construction company, not what old man gets when he's had too many Viagra. Still, if you call this company asking for long, firm poles, they may hang up on you.

Remember this is a construction company, not what old man gets when he’s had too many Viagra. Still, if you call this company asking for long, firm poles, they may hang up on you.

56. Curl Up & Dye Hair Salon

If Sweeny Todd could expand into the beauty parlor business, this would be the perfect name for it. Still, I'm sure people don't want to have any thoughts about death while getting their haircut, especially after watching Sweeny Todd.

If Sweeny Todd could expand into the beauty parlor business, this would be the perfect name for it. Still, I’m sure people don’t want to have any thoughts about death while getting their haircut, especially after watching Sweeny Todd.

57. Badcock Home Furniture & More

Now this would be one of the most ironic places for a man to be caught with his pants down. Ironically, it's a store chain in the South, which means perhaps the place where David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards bought their dining chairs.

Now this would be one of the most ironic places for a man to be caught with his pants down. Ironically, it’s a store chain in the South, which means perhaps the place where David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards bought their dining chairs. Then again, you may not know who these guys are.

58. The Dirty Hoe Garden Shed

Finally, a perfect place for lonely men to get petunias, fertilizer, and a watering can for their mothers as well as a female escort for themselves.

Finally, a perfect place for lonely men to get petunias, fertilizer, and a watering can for their mothers as well as a female escort for themselves. Well, if they’re into that sort of thing and can live with the STDs for the rest of their lives.

59. Barf Bed & Breakfast

Heard they have excellent guest accommodations but the food is just disgusting. I mean it's bad enough to make you puke if you know what I mean. Still, you might want to eat out if you ever stop there.

Heard they have excellent guest accommodations but the food is just disgusting. I mean it’s bad enough to make you puke if you know what I mean. Still, you might want to eat out if you ever stop there.

60. Blue Balls Boutique

Now here's a nice little boutique for all the guys who are saving it for marriage, thinking about entering a monastery or priesthood, or men who just aren't getting any right now.

Now here’s a nice little boutique for all the guys who are saving it for marriage, thinking about entering a monastery or priesthood, or men who just aren’t getting any right now.

61. Knobs & Knockers Door Accessories

While this may be a cute name for a door accessories or hardware store, it's also a very appropriate name for a sex shop. I mean I've seen Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, "What knockers!" And Inga goes, "Oh, thank you, doctor."

While this may be a cute name for a door accessories or hardware store, it’s also a very appropriate name for a sex shop. I mean I’ve seen Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, “What knockers!” And Inga goes, “Oh, thank you, doctor.”

62. S. T. D. Central Flea Market

Where you come for the cheap crap you pay for the rest of your life on antibiotics and safe sex. Perhaps I should pass this resale shop if I ever come across it.

Where you come for the cheap crap you pay for the rest of your life on antibiotics and safe sex. Perhaps I should pass this resale shop if I ever come across it.

63. Pee & Poo Food & Drink

Please let this be an Asian restaurant and not some reflection of the fare this business has to offer. Because that would be disgusting.

Please let this be an Asian restaurant and not some reflection of the fare this business has to offer. Because that would be disgusting beyond all reason.

64. Shemale Hair Salon

Let's just hope this salon's "body works" and "fast altercations" don't pertain to a quick sex reassignment surgery. Because I'm perfectly fine with being a woman, thank you.

Let’s just hope this salon’s “body works” and “fast altercations” don’t pertain to a quick sex reassignment surgery. Because I’m perfectly fine with being a woman, thank you.

65. Pussy Cleaners Dry Cleaning

Finally, the place where I can take my formalwear to be dry cleaned and have my private parts cleaned at the same time. Then again, I usually clean my nether regions myself in the shower, thank you very much.

Finally, the place where I can take my formal wear to be dry cleaned and have my private parts cleaned at the same time. Then again, I usually clean my nether regions myself in the shower, thank you very much.

66. Menlove Dental Practice

If you're a straight man, then going to this dentist might give the words "open wide" and "it's just a little prick" a whole disturbing new subtext.

If you’re a straight man, then going to this dentist might give the words “open wide” and “it’s just a little prick” a whole disturbing new subtext.

67. Camel Towing Removal Service

Whether it's clearing a tree down the road or relieving a woman from the embarrassment of showing her crotch in really tight pants, these are the guys for you.

Whether it’s clearing a tree down the road or relieving a woman from the embarrassment of showing her crotch in really tight pants, these are the guys for you.

68. Fuk Mi Sushi Bar & Seafood Buffet

Now this Japanese restaurant has everything such as sushi, seafood, and an escort service to boot. Still, what a terrible name.

Now this Japanese restaurant has everything such as sushi, seafood, and an escort service to boot. Still, what a terrible name.

69. Long Poo Gas Supplies

Whether it's methane, propane, or whatever's coming from your rear end, these people got it all. Nevertheless, proceed with caution since natural gas is flammable and doesn't solve global warming at all.

Whether it’s methane, propane, or whatever’s coming from your rear end, these people got it all. Nevertheless, proceed with caution since natural gas is flammable and does nothing to stop global warming.

70. Hammered Liquor Store

May not be the most appropriate business name, but it fits. Yes, liquor and alcohol will get you hammered if you drink enough of it.

May not be the most appropriate business name, but it fits. Yes, liquor and alcohol will get you hammered if you drink enough of it.

71. Scandinavian Sun Tanning Salon

Sure Scandinavian people have good tans, yet understand that some places in Scandinavia don't get sunshine during certain times of the year. So it's kind of a stretch.

Sure Scandinavian people have good tans, yet understand that some places in Scandinavia don’t get sunshine during certain times of the year. So it’s kind of a stretch.

72. Sherrill’s Eat Here and Get Gas Rest Stop

I know this is a rest stop, but the word "gas" has another meaning than just fuel for the car. Remind me not to order anything with beans at this place if you know what I mean.

I know this is a rest stop, but the word “gas” has another meaning than just fuel for the car. Remind me not to order anything with beans at this place if you know what I mean.

73. Brick Furniture Store

Let's just say, you wouldn't expect a anything from Brick Furniture to be very comfortable. In fact, quite the opposite.

Let’s just say, you wouldn’t expect a anything from Brick Furniture to be very comfortable. In fact, quite the opposite.

74. Tom Raper RVs

Now having your own name in the business is fine but not if your name is Raper. This is especially true when you sell RVs.

Now having your own name in the business is fine but not if your name is Raper. This is especially true when you sell RVs.

75. Killer for Hire Exterminators

This is an exterminator business, yet you wouldn't know it by the presentation, which suggests a completely different service. I'm sure this business will take care of those unwanted pests at and will make you an offer you can't refuse.

This is an exterminator business, yet you wouldn’t know it by the presentation, which suggests a completely different service. I’m sure this business will take care of those unwanted pests at and will make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Bad Movie Wives/Girlfriends

While I could compile a list of bad movie husbands and boyfriends easily, the most difficult about compiling one was basically narrowing it down to 30. With bad movie wives and girlfriends, I ran into a few difficulties. For one, there aren’t as many to choose from. Second, the fact that women in movies could do a much less to be on the worst movie wives and girlfriends list than a guy could to get on a similar list. For instance, while men could be put on a list for bad movie husbands and boyfriends for being physically and emotionally abusive or as well as downright rapists, women could get on the list for bad wives and girlfriends for simply being bitchy, lying, and non-supportive. However, since women have been seen as the unfair sex for so long, it’s no wonder why many lists include Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction though I wouldn’t really include her as a movie wife or girlfriend mostly because she functions more as an ex from a one night stand. Same for the woman from Play Mitzi for Me. I also didn’t include many villainesses who are hired to kill their significant others because they’re just doing their jobs. Not to mention, a lot of women from romantic comedies are included on these lists as well, despite not being quite destructive as the male counterparts. Still, I did manage to compile quite a list with femme fatales, cheaters, liars, crazy ladies, backstabbers, murderers, and others. Nevertheless, I did try to find women who are just as bad as the male counterparts I did earlier. And if I didn’t, it has nothing to do with how I view women personally but more to do with the fact that men in movies get away with more abuse than women. Not to mention, I was working from a limited pool. So without further ado, here are some wives and girlfriends who may be nice to look at but you wouldn’t want to date.

1. Rebecca de Winter
From: Rebecca
The Problem: Well, she doesn’t really appear, but her presence tends to inflict damage from beyond the grave, thanks to her loyal housekeeper Mrs. Danvers who basically wants her room and things exactly as they were. You are meant to think at first that she was practically everything one would ask in a trophy wife and is widely adored, giving the second Mrs. de Winter big shoes to fill. However, every time she follows Mrs. Danvers’ instructions and does something that reminds Maxim of his first wife, causes him to utterly freak out for some unexplained reason. Turns out Maxim is reluctant to talk about Rebecca because she was the wife from hell whom he grew to despise. According to him, Rebecca basically cheated on him with anything wearing pants and would continually torment Maxim by gabbing about her sexual exploits. Also, she was kind of a sociopathic bitch and compulsive liar who manipulated everyone to think that she was the perfect wife and a paragon of virtue. Oh, and when she finds out she has cancer, she tells Maxim she’s pregnant with another guy’s child that she’d pass as his just so he could kill her in rage. Yet, that doesn’t stop her from having Mrs. Danvers as her devoted servant, unfortunately.
2. Zosh Machine

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From: The Man with the Golden Arm
The Problem: While addicts don’t make good partners in relationships, so can co-dependents and Zosh is a classic case. Now her husband Frankie is a heroin addict who just came clean after spending a stint in prison. Zosh is his wheelchair bound wife (who’s actually fully recovered) who was injured in a car crash some years earlier. Still, while Frankie wants to become a drummer and not return to his former life, Zosh’s selfish opposition, supposed condition, manipulative guilt tripping, and appealing to his sense of duty, keeps him from pursuing that dream as well as neglect his own needs. Not only that, but it also gives Frankie the need to earn some quick cash which causes him to slowly slip in his former way of life as a card dealer and later relapse into his heroin addiction. And the fact she’s only faking her disability and killed his dealer Louie just makes things worse for Frankie. This is especially the case when police make Frankie their prime suspect for Louie’s murder, which drives him into hiding. Still, Zosh is a selfish scheming wife who wants Frankie tied to her no matter what the cost and she knows how to get him to do exactly what she wants. Not to mention, she’s probably nuts but certainly rather possessive of her husband. And when Frankie tells his intention to leave her, she goes ballistic and jumps from a ledge to her death. Let’s just say Zosh is a toxic influence in Frankie’s life and a kind of wife an addict doesn’t need.
3. Phyllis Dietrichson

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From: Double Indemnity
The Problem: Basically she’s one of the most deadliest femme fatales in movie history as well as a possible sociopath. First, she enlists insurance man Walter Neff to help murder her husband and get him to sign a double indemnity clause in a life insurance policy. She then has the lovestruck Neff strangle her husband in a car as well as impersonate her husband on the train to make the murder look like an “accident.” Yet, she soon runs into problems when the company refuses to pay the clause and that her step-daughter Lola inherited the money instead. Now Lola doesn’t just think Phyllis killed her dad, but that she was also the nurse who killed her mom. Little do they know is that Phyllis is banging Lola’s boyfriend Nino and tries to kill Walter, too. Talk about a backstabbing girlfriend from Hell. Still, while Lady Macbeth was wracked with guilt after leading her man to murder, Phyllis isn’t.
4. Norma Desmond

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From: Sunset Boulevard
The Problem: Well, despite having a big house, a doting butler (ex-husband), and all the generosity and money a struggling screenwriter could ask for. However, she’s also obsessed with making a career comeback, chooses to forget she’s 50 instead of 25, and is a completely insane drama queen. Also, she barely pays any attention to her devoted ex-husband butler Max who just goes along with her schemes (and has a few of his own). So when Joe Gillis becomes stranded at her reeking decadent mansion, she hires him to work on her trashy screenplay she thinks would restore her to her rightful place. Yet, it’s very much implied (or blatantly obvious but unmentioned for obvious reasons in 1950) that she’s also hiring him for other services such as a male escort she showers with expensive gifts, setting him up in the ex-husbands’ bedroom (there were 3 of them including Max), and keeping Joe in a gilded cage. Oh, and she basically forces Joe to be her lover as well as doing nutty things to get his attention like trying to kill herself. And despite being in love with another woman, Joe just accepts his lot as a kept man because he’s desperate to get paid. Still, everything with Norma has to be her way all the time, even her words. Yet, when Norma finds Joe’s name on a screenplay he’s working on with Betty Schaefer, she goes ballistic and sends her a threatening phone call. And when Joe plans to return to Ohio, she basically shoots him dead near the pool. Of course, she’s certainly in her happy place and not coming back after that when she says, “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.”
5. Kathie Moffat

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From: Out of the Past
The Problem: Sure she may seem like rather innocent damsel in distress but Jeff Markham should’ve known. Yet, he fell for and elected to run away with her anyway despite that he was hired by her boyfriend his partner Whit to find her because she shot him in the leg and ran away with $40,000 of his money to Mexico. Also, she served a time in reform school as a child. However, Jeff doesn’t realize what he’s dealing with until Kathie pulls out a gun and shoots a guy in cold blood and leaves him to cover up for the crime. Later, she gets back together with Whit but she’s not done with Jeff yet for she sends a guy to trail his deaf assistant which indirectly leads to former’s death. Not to mention, she kills Whit in the meantime and basically forces Jeff to run away with her or else take the blame for all three murders. Either way, his new life is basically over and he’ll have to break up with his current girlfriend Ann. Thus, Jeff runs off with Kathie but she betrays him and shoots him dead. Still, fellas, she’s probably a complete psychopath who’d use sex to get what she wants and has a higher body count than Phyllis Dietrichson. Luckily she dies in a car wreck though.
6. Ginger McKenna

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From: Casino
The Problem: For one, she’s a coke and pill addict, party girl, and former prostitute as well as hustler. Second, she cheats on her husband with her ex and pimp named Lester and his best friend played by Joe Pesci. Third, she ties her daughter to the bed so she could go clubbing and runs off with Lester with all of Ace’s money in tow. Now being in Vegas, Ace should’ve known that Ginger was bad news being a former prostitute and all. Then again, he kind of expected her being a drugged up basket case, but maybe not the cheating with his best friend and running off with his money bit.
7. Jenny

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From: Forrest Gump
The Problem: If Forrest Gump was a smart man and/or didn’t know her since childhood, I would wonder why he would be so devoted to a woman who certainly doesn’t deserve him. Still, while Forrest does know what love is since he’s been there for Jenny all her life, it’s more than what we can say about her who’s very selfish and doesn’t seem in touch with her emotions at all. She drifts in and out of Forrest’s life for many years and continues to reject him for strings of useless and thuggish men who happen to be whatever stereotype was around at the time. It’s very clear she doesn’t love him like he loves her. Still, she comes back to Forrest after he’s made his fortune and she’s destroyed her life, has a son to take care of (which she conveniently claim is his but they did hook up), and dying of what many think is AIDS. Still, while I may forgive Jenny for being a slut and stringing Forrest along when she’s at a bad end, I was a bit unnerved when she shows up with her boy and tells Forrest he’s their son. Now if I was in her situation, I would’ve let the guy know of possibly being my baby’s father while I was still pregnant, not when the kid’s in preschool. At least the women on Maury display that courtesy on “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?”.
8. Suzanne Stone-Maretto

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From: To Die For
The Problem: Now it’s perfectly fine for a woman to be ambitious and not want kids. It’s also okay to divorce your husband if he desires a family and you don’t. It’s not okay to seduce a teenage gang leader and have the husband murdered and then lie about him being addicted to drugs. This is especially true if he’s in no way abusive or wants to kill you. She gets her ultimate comeuppance though.
9. Lady Brett Ashley

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From: The Sun Also Rises
The Problem: Basically she’s an alcoholic and a bonafide slut who’s basically a good example why we have the saying, “bros before hos” which is basically the story’s moral anyway. Now by this time, she’s been divorced twice and is engaged to Mike Campbell to boot. Yet, even this doesn’t stop her from getting romantically and/or sexually entangled with 3 other guys such as the impotent Jake Barnes, the Jewish and possibly autistic Robert Cohn, and teenage bullfighter Pedro Romero. Still, she manages to break Robert and Jake’s hearts as well as leads to Cohn beating up Mike, Jake, and Romero before leaving the country. Sure she may be in love with Jake and though it’s understandable why she refuses him (since she can’t live without sex), the way she strings Cohn around and dumps is particularly shallow and cruel. And the fact that her sexual exploits led to ruining friendships, just makes it worse. Now there’s nothing wrong with women having multiple sexual partners as long as everyone involved is totally cool with it. But if you must screw multiple guys, make sure they aren’t friends with each other.
10. Dominque Francon

Patricia Neal The Fountainhead
From: The Fountainhead
The Problem: I’m not a fan of Ayn Rand or her books. However, Dominque isn’t on this list just because of my liberal political bias. Still, if Rand’s philosophy doesn’t disturb you, the relationship between Howard Roark and Dominque Francon certainly should. Sure Roark may be a complete jerk and Domique’s primary purpose in the story is to screw his career and break his heart twice over. Of course, she may have some reason for it since Roark might’ve raped her (you can’t really tell in Rand), yet she’s basically doing everything she could to bring him down and crush his spirit because she loves him. Excuse me? Seriously, this is a woman who deliberately screws with Roark’s career and runs off and marries two other guys while continuing her affair with Roark just so he can go begging for more. And Roark still just quietly waits around for her to come to her senses. Oh, and she got Peter Keating to dump the only woman he loved and marry her and goes out on a limb to hook up with Ellsworth Toohey. And she still says she loves Roark. Listen, guys, I don’t know about you, but if the girl of your dreams vows to ruin your life, runs off and marries two other guys while still keeping you on the side all because she loves you, she doesn’t love you. Roark should just come to his senses and dump her because her treatment is absolutely appalling. Instead, he makes a nude statue in her likeness and marries her.
11. Leslie Crosbie

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From: The Letter
The Problem: When you first see her, she shoots a guy named Geoffrey Hammond dead six times. Yet, when police questioned her, she says that the victim, a friend of the family, came to the home uninvited and tried to rape her. So she shot him to save her honor. Now everyone believes her including her husband and it seems that she’d be found innocent (and apparently everyone believes her shooting Hammond 6 times was justified mostly because they’re racist). However, a lawyer named Howard Joyce receives word that Hammond’s wife (lover in the 1929 film) has a letter which might incriminate Leslie. The letter reveals that Hammond came at her insistence and that the two were having an affair. Leslie manipulates the attorney into buying back the letter which includes lying about it to her husband Robert (Howard in the 1929 film). Yet, Leslie gives Hammond’s Chinese lady $10,000 personally. What’s spent on the trial and the letter basically depletes the Crosbie’s savings that Robert can’t buy the Sumatran rubber plantation he wanted. Still, despite that Leslie’s married, she carries on an affair with Hammond for years, excludes him from her social circle when she finds out about his Chinese lady (which she has no qualms), and kills him in a jealous rage when he tries to break up with her because he loves his Chinese lady and not her. Oh, and she gets away with murder. Yet, though she may love her husband she admits, “With all my heart, I still love the man I killed!” Yeah, but perhaps she should’ve let him go and not kill him. Yet, Leslie wanted to have her cake and eat it, too.
12. Asami Yamazaki

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From: Audition
The Problem: Asami may be a beautiful and soft-spoken former ballerina who may be able to win a grieving widower’s heart. Still, if you held your personal American Idol type search for true love, you might want to take a look at the winner’s digs to see if there are any burlap sacks filled with the bodies of disfigured exes lying on the floor. Sure she may seem like the perfect woman at first and was severely abused as a child, but she’s completely psycho that she’s Gene Tierney’s Ellen Harland in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Like Ellen, she wants Shigeharu Aoyama to love her and only her and totally flips out on him when it’s not the case. Yet, unlike Ellen, Asami just uses methods like kidnapping, dismemberment, murder, and torture all in a girlish giggle. While she did do away with the guy in the bag for cheating on her, she basically tortures Shigeharu with acupuncture needles and cuts off his foot with a razor all because he has a family. Trust me, fellas, she’s totally not worth it.
13. Daisy Buchanan

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From: The Great Gatsby
The Problem: While Gatsby may forever hold a torch for Daisy as his true love, it’s very clear that she’s not worth it. For one, despite that she loved Gatsby, she can’t really leave her asshole husband Tom for him because he’s her kid’s dad and the fact divorce might give her financial insecurity. Still, this doesn’t stop her from toying with Gatsby’s heart and is more impressed with him being rich than anything. Still, she ran over her husband’s mistress Myrtle and let Gatsby take the blame for it. This resulted in a misunderstanding that got Gatsby murdered. Yet, what especially gets me is that Daisy seems unable to take responsibility for herself, either to better her life or change the way her actions hurt others. Not to mention, despite that Gatsby basically did everything he could to win her back and never stopped loving her, she doesn’t even bother to show up at his funeral. Instead, she and Tom go on vacation as if she feels no remorse for the damage she did. Alas, that poor son of a bitch.
14. Judith Fessbeggler

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From: Saving Silverman
The Problem: Now I try to leave out wives and girlfriends in comedy movies since they tend to be treated as whiny bitches while a lot of husbands and boyfriends in serious films tend to commit sins that are far worse. Besides, I want to avoid using double standards as much as possible when it pertains to female significant others since they’re termed as terrible on much less. Still, Judith is an exception since she’s nasty, controlling, manipulative, and selfish. Not only that, but she doesn’t like Darren Silverman’s immature friends despite all that they mean to him. Yet, does she put up with that? No, rather she tries to change everything about him to suit her and only her. And all this basically consists of Darren quitting his band, getting butt implants, distancing himself from his best friends, having her burn all his Neil Diamond records, get him new friends with names like Clayton, and attend relationship counseling. Now there are movies in which women try to do this but these pertain to guys who in danger of destroying themselves or going to jail. Darren isn’t one of these so Judith is basically using the “I could change him” mantra where it’s not needed and certainly used for her to achieve her own selfish ends. I mean there are worse guys to date than a Neil Diamond fan with two immature but well-meaning friends.
15. Roxie Hart

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From: Chicago
The Problem: Now while Velma Kelly may not be the nicest person in the film, at least killing her husband and sister over them having an affair made her a much more sympathetic character. I’m not sure about Roxie who’s married to the nice mechanic Amos even if he is played by John C. Reilly (yet is the only good guy in the whole film). Feel bad for her being down on her luck as a housewife all you want, but she had an affair with Fred Casely whom she believed would help make her a vaudeville star. And when Fred reveals he lied about his connections so he could sleep with her, Roxie shoots him dead and tries to get Amos to take the blame. Amos doesn’t (since he can’t tell a lie) and she’s arrested anyway. Of course, we all know how she gets off by following a ludicrous defense strategy that include painting herself as a lonely housewife who killed her lover in self-defense or faking a pregnancy. Still, it’s amazing that Amos sticks by her during the murder trial proceedings despite how she treats him like garbage.
16. Catherine Tramell

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From: Basic Instinct
The Problem: Sure she may be played by Sharon Stone and her bisexuality may be a major turn-on. However, I would advise anyone against getting involved with her. She’s a hedonistic psychopath who manipulates everyone around her for her own amusement and gratification as serve as fodder for her novels. Every lover she’s had has ended up dead and it’s very likely she’s possibly killed them just after she’s bore with them. Not only that, but she also killed her parents in a staged boat explosion, murdered a professor at Berkeley, tricked her possessive girlfriend Roxy into committing suicide, has her ex-girlfriend framed for a series of murders, and hacked a boyfriend to death with an ice pick during sex. It doesn’t help that Nick Curran is a cop in charge of a brutal murder investigation of a former rock star who was murdered during sex in which she’s a prime suspect and she killed his partner Gus. And she displays no remorse for any of the deaths she’s caused. She also flat out tells Nick that she’s writing about a detective who falls for the wrong woman who kills him. Still, no matter how you put it, things don’t look good for Nick by the end.
17. Bridget Gregory

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From: The Last Seduction
The Problem: Yes, she may be a gorgeous woman looking for casual sex in a small town. Yet, she’s married to a drug dealer she swipes money from and runs away to Chicago. Not only that, but she has an affair with a divorced man named Mike Swale while on her way. Still, she’s a manipulative sociopath who thinks selling murders to wives scorned is a good business idea. Not to mention, she tries to trick Mike into killing her husband Clay but does it herself. Yet, she pins the killing on him though which puts him in jail for life and gets off scot free. She also kills a black private eye as well as a few others and gets away with that, too. Mike should’ve stayed with his tranny ex-wife.
18. Debbie Jellinsky

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From: Addams Family Values
The Problem: Sure she may be gorgeous but it’s all too good to be true for Uncle Fester. For one, she’s a liar who manipulates Fester into proposing by saying she’s a virgin who’s saving it until marriage. Second, after their marriage, she tries to get Uncle Fester to sever ties with his family members and forbids Gomez, Morticia, and Lurch to visit him when they move to a lavish mansion. Oh, and did I tell you that she’s a black widow who killed her parents for not giving her a Ballerina Barbie for her birthday? Not to mention, she killed two husbands and tried to electrocute the whole Addams family altogether. Oh, and I tell you that she has her own trading card as “the Black Widow” and that Pugsley suspects her to be this? At least Fester was able to find new love after she died.
19. Ellen Berent Harland

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From: Leave Her to Heaven
The Problem: At first, she may look like your dream girl, but she’s really your nightmare girl. Let’s just say that Ellen is in love with her husband, yet she’s basically insanely devoted to him that she doesn’t want Richard to love anyone else but her whether it be his polio stricken brother, their unborn child, her mother, or her adopted sister. I mean she’s basically jealous toward any activity or person Richard cares about. And when she takes Richard’s disabled brother Danny out for a swim, she basically rows the boat too far from him in the water and he drowns. When she gets pregnant, she engineers a fall down the stairs in stiletto heels so the fetus would be miscarried. And when Ellen becomes suspicious of Richard and Ruth getting too close, she writes to her prosecutor ex-fiance Russell Quinton about Ruth wanting to kill her and commits suicide. This gets Ruth tried for murder but Richard takes the rap and a two year prison sentence.
20. Catherine Earnshaw

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: Sure her relationship with Heathcliff is enduring and passionate but it screams dysfunctional. Still, it’s probably fair to say that Catherine should’ve not dumped Heathcliff to marry Edgar Linton. Now they may have destroyed each other and Hindley but at least the Lintons would be untouched. But, Catherine’s rejection of Heathcliff just so she could wear pretty dresses and attend fancy balls at Linton’s Grange. Yet, she doesn’t completely get over Heathcliff and soon her passionate love for him consumes her in a sick and twisted way, which destroys her identity and personality while Heathcliff disappears to get rich for a few years and returns for his rampage of revenge. Also, she’s incredibly selfish and not just toward Heathcliff but she also doesn’t really seem very concerned about her brother, her sister-in-law, or her maid Nelly Dean. Oh, and her marrying Edgar and having Heathcliff on the side thing destroyed all three of them in very ugly ways.
21. Scarlett O’Hara

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From: Gone with the Wind
The Problem: Now I like Scarlett and think she’s a strong heroine for young girls, but she’s just terrible with relationships. For one, she’s emotionally immature due to her Southern Belle upbringing that trained her not to care about people and become pretty dolls devoid of emotion and personal wishes that are supposed to attract husbands. Thus, she’s unable to understand the emotional motivations of anyone, including herself. So the fact that Scarlett spends most of the movie wrapped up in a devoted delusion of her teenagers that she doesn’t realize when she falls in love with Rhett or what having an adult relationship means. Second, though she might not have done much harm marrying Charles Hamilton to make Ashley jealous, her choice to marry Frank Kennedy for money was pretty despicable since he was her sister’s fiancé. And it’s even more unsettling when he ends up getting killed while he’s out to defend her honor. Then there’s her marriage with Rhett Butler which is basically a living hell full of abuse but they obviously deserve each other.
22. Linda Nordley

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From: Mogambo
The Problem: Now I have to wonder about Donald Nordley in this movie. Sure his wife may be played by Grace Kelly but she doesn’t seem to think too much of him despite how he’s crazy about her. Not to mention, despite knowing her husband since she was 5, Linda bluntly admits that she doesn’t love him, doesn’t show much affection in him or interest in his work as an anthropologist. I suspect she married Donald because her parents desperately needed money. And it doesn’t help that Donald is a decent guy who genuinely loves his wife. Still, during their vacation in the African safari, Linda hooks up with big game hunter Victor Marswell. And though it’s very obvious that Victor and Linda are totally banging each other, Donald seems either totally blind or totally in denial. Either way, it shows that Linda really doesn’t seem to care much about Donald. Oh, and when Linda finds Victor cuddling with Eloise “Honey Bear” Kelley, she shoots him in a jealous rage (but gets away with it thanks to Ava Gardner). Of course, the film may want us to sympathize with her, but I never thought her as anything but a shallow and manipulative rich bitch who may have a few guys on the side when her man’s away. The proper lady demeanor is just a façade, boys.
23. Mildred Rogers

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From: Of Human Bondage
The Problem: Now this is basically the character that made Bette Davis a star that people were upset when she wasn’t nominated for an Oscar. Still, Mildred is a prostitute who medical student Philip Carey falls madly in love with. Yet, she’s utterly disdainful of his club foot and his obvious interest in her. Not to mention, she’s manipulative and cruel berating him with nasty insults as well as sleeps with who knows what during the course of the film. Now if Mildred was just a nasty slut, she wouldn’t be on this list but there’s more. Anyway, she keeps coming back to Philip when she’s on the rebound from a failed relationship whether it be her baby daddy Emil Miller or one of Philip’s friends. And Philip keeps cleaning her messes, dumps the girlfriend he had at the time, and takes her in just the same no matter how he feels about her. Yet, when Philip has had enough and rejects her, Mildred spitefully wrecks his apartment, destroys his paintings and books, and burns all the securities and bonds his uncle gave Philip to finance his med school tuition. This leads Philip to drop out of med school and destitute. Let’s just say Philip is basically relieved when Mildred succumbs to tuberculosis.
24. Irena Dubrovna Reed

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From: Cat People
The Problem: Well, she may seem like a nice Serbian girl but she has a few quirks about you might want to examine closely before entering in a relationship with her unlike Oliver Reed. For one, she tends to hang out at the panther exhibit a lot though most animals tend to get agitated in her presence. Second, she’s not much into getting physical for fear that she’d transform into a deadly panther if any guy even kisses her. Of course, Oliver and his friends thinks she’s batty and have her see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, she’s right and the shrink actually ends up dead while trying to make the moves on her. And it doesn’t help that she may be clingy and jealous when Oliver confides in a co-worker about their problems, which was why she went after Alice Moore in panther form. Gives a new meaning to crazy cat lady, right?
25. Brigid O’Shaughnessy (a. k. a. Ruth Wonderly)

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From: The Maltese Falcon
The Problem: Now Brigid isn’t a bad person but we’re not sure whether she truly loved Sam Spade or just using him so she could get have bird statuette to herself. Still, though she may use sex and play the damsel in distress to get what she wants, she’s a lot more inconspicuous than most femme fatales (who aren’t usually dressed as somebody’s school teacher like she is). Not to mention, she’s not a great liar which makes Sam Spade catch her very easily. Yet, we should note that she killed Miles Archer and tried to frame her partner Floyd Thursby for the murder. Still, while Sam may fall for her, he’s no fool and turns her to the police because she killed his partner. Not to mention, she probably would’ve betrayed him just like Thursby whether she loved him or not.
26. Susan Vance

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From: Bringing Up Baby
The Problem: Now I like Susan Vance and I think she’s better than the fiancé David Huxley started out with. But come on, despite being friendly, sweet, and played by Katharine Hepburn, she’s crazy! Not to mention, she has a rich girl entitlement complex, meaning she has no respect for other people or authority. Still, though David eventually fell in love with her by the end, she put him through a lot of nasty shit. She steals cars and doesn’t seem the least bit guilty about it and when she sets her sights on something, she gets it in her own way. Not to mention, she enlists David’s help to transport a leopard to her aunt’s farm in Connecticut on the day he’s supposed to marry another woman. Oh, and once they’re at her aunt’s farm, she basically does everything she could to keep him there, particularly stealing his clothes while he’s showering. Not only that, but Susan puts David through incidences that put them in jail and almost cost them their lives (especially when she accidentally released a man-eating circus leopard she mistook for Baby). All this in the span of two days. Now being a screwball comedy, David doesn’t seem to harbor bad feelings. But in real life Susan would probably facing criminal charges at least for endangerment and possibly kidnapping.
27. Carmen Jones

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From: Carmen Jones
The Problem: Basically, this film is an all African American version of George Bizet’s Carmen that takes place in WWII. Still, played by Dorothy Dandridge, she’s kind of a hedonist who doesn’t think she could get married because she doesn’t remind men of their mothers and gets arrested for fighting with a co-worker who reported her late. Still, this doesn’t stop her from going after a guy who doesn’t seem to show much interest in her named Joe (who’s also involved with someone else). She’s successful but leaves him because Joe’s supposed to turn her in to the authorities and she can’t do time in jail. This puts Joe in the stockade. She also tries to hook up with two other guys in the meantime one for money and the other to make Joe jealous. Of course, Joe retaliates on both of them, beating one severely while threatening the other with a knife. Still, Carmen pays for her sultry ways by Joe strangling her in a storage room. Yet, his life is destroyed as well.
28. Mrs. Robinson

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From: The Graduate
The Problem: Let’s see. Sure she may be played by Anne Bancroft, yet she’s a depressed, lonely, and alcoholic housewife who basically gets Benjamin Braddock to have sex with her despite that she’s married with a daughter in college. Yes, she may not really love her husband who knocked her up during college which forced her to drop out, give up her dreams, and going through a shotgun wedding, but still. Nevertheless, she has no other interest in Benjamin other than sex and when he starts dating her daughter, she basically tries to sabotage their relationship and accuses him of rape. Oh, and she forces her daughter to drop out of college and marry some other guy, too. Let’s just say if Ben and Elaine ever got married, Thanksgiving is going to be awkward. Still, it doesn’t help that she’s a middle aged adult who convinces everyone that Ben is the bad guy, including her husband.
29. Aileen Wuornos

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From: Monster
The Problem: Well, this one comes from real life and won Charlize Theron the Oscar for Best Actress. Now she’s perhaps one of the few LGBT on either list (other being Catherine Tramell). Sure she may have sex with men but she absolutely hates them. Not to mention, while you can’t blame her for not wanting to go back into prostitution, but trying to support her lover Selby Wall (Tyria Moore in real life but her name, age, and appearance were changed for legal reasons) through prostitution, murder, and robbery, well, isn’t technically a viable way to make a living. Not to mention, Aileen is well, a psycho who you’d probably not want to touch with a 10 foot pole. Also, though she may be a victim of circumstances and may have killed her first victim in self-defense, the others were just for her own personal gratification or because she may have schizophrenia. And sure, she and Selby may have a loving relationship, but understand that she took her away from her family and friends. Not to mention, since it’s said that Aileen acts like a bitch through the entire movie, it’s fair to say that her relationship with Selby is about as tempestuous as you might expect. Still, Selby is simply horrified by her killing 7 guys and basically works to get her put behind bars and for that I couldn’t blame her.
30. Cleopatra
From: Freaks
The Problem: You may think she’s a shallow gold digger at first when she lures dwarf Hans away from his girlfriend just for his fortune. Of course, this doesn’t help that she doesn’t even show any interest in him until she learns about Hans’ wealth. Still, she has no intention of trying to make herself at home among the circus freaks and during the wedding ceremony, she mocks them, throws wine in their faces, and drives them away. Not only that, but she also tries to isolate Hans from them. Also, her marriage to Hans didn’t stop her from sleeping with the strong man Hercules who she conspires with to gradually poison her new husband so they could make out with his cash. Let’s just say killing her would’ve spared her the fate of being a chicken lady, but that would’ve been far too kind, especially since the freaks are actually not so bad once you get to know them.

Halloween Party Tricks or Treats (But Mostly Treats, Sort of)

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Halloween is one of those time of the year that we have parties. After all, it’s one of those fun holidays in which you can dress in a costume as well as attend events that may feature games and food or perhaps drinking and dancing for the adults. And while you may seem obligated to spend Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving with your family, this isn’t so much the case on Halloween. Still, Halloween parties also provide a wide array of party treats that range from the creatively adorable to those that make you gag. And since it’s a scary holiday, creepiness and grossness are mostly encouraged. So in this post, I’ll show all the diverse dishes you’d find at Halloween parties that you’d probably not see in a Martha Stewart magazine or any cookbook as far as I know. Some of these may be for kids while others are certainly more adult oriented. So for your viewing pleasure and dismay, here are some Halloween party treats.

1. For those who got a cut, here are some band-aids and Q-tips.

As disgusting as they may appear, a cuisine meant to resemble a Civil War surgeon's kit would be more vomit inducing.

As disgusting as they may appear, a cuisine meant to resemble a Civil War surgeon’s kit would be more vomit inducing.

2. For your veggie platter, here is a skeleton.

You'll see a few of these. Yet, help yourself to the pepper ribs, the mushroom pelvis, the cucumber spine, and the celery and carrot limbs and shoulders.

You’ll see a few of these. Yet, help yourself to the pepper ribs, the mushroom pelvis, the cucumber spine, and the celery and carrot limbs and shoulders.

3. Now take a bite out of cupcakes like Mrs. Lovett would make.

Don't worry, these are just cupcakes, not bits of human flesh. If so, that would be cannibalism. Still, enough to make you puke, eh?

Don’t worry, these are just cupcakes, not bits of human flesh. If so, that would be cannibalism. Still, enough to make you puke, eh?

4. Now feast your eyes on these peepers.

These are probably kind of the cupcakes I'd expect Count Olaf to make. Of course, I'm not sure how many of you have read A Series of Unfortunate Events to get this. Nevertheless, they seem to be terrifyingly watching you.

These are probably kind of the cupcakes I’d expect Count Olaf to make. Of course, I’m not sure how many of you have read A Series of Unfortunate Events to get this. Nevertheless, they seem to be terrifyingly watching you.

5. Now you might want to feast your guts on this, literally.

Of course, this intestinal delectable may cause you to puke your guts out instead. I'm sure this sends a lot of Instagram foodie viewers to the toilet during this time of year.

Of course, this intestinal delectable may cause you to puke your guts out instead. I’m sure this sends a lot of Instagram foodie viewers to the toilet during this time of year.

6. Now you might want to have some fingers for dessert.

Now these are most likely breaded fingers with nut nails on them. Still, it's a great way to trick vegetarians into thinking they've committed cannibalism.

Now these are most likely breaded fingers with nut nails on them. Still, it’s a great way to trick vegetarians into thinking they’ve committed cannibalism.

7. Behold, spinach and artichoke dip straight from the mummy’s tomb.

Now this isn't really scary but there's a curse for those who partake of this creamy spinach and artichoke dip from Pharaoh Askenaten's tomb.

Now this isn’t really scary but there’s a curse for those who partake of this creamy spinach and artichoke dip from Pharaoh Askenaten’s tomb.

8. Now for an appetizer, here’s some brain on a platter.

Let's hope this brain isn't from somebody named Abby Normal. Now that would be very, very bad.

Let’s hope this brain isn’t from somebody named Abby Normal. Now that would be very, very bad. Of course, it’s probably just watermelon.

9. Oh, no, why did you have to serve Lego Frankenstein heads on sticks?

Actually they're just marshmallows covered in chocolate. Still, they do tend to resemble disembodied Lego Frankenstein heads though.

Actually they’re just marshmallows covered in chocolate. Still, they do tend to resemble disembodied Lego Frankenstein heads though.

10. Put a little “axe” on that cupcake, please.

Now that's what I call a bloody cupcake. Very gory to say the least. Still, were those blood spattering axes homemade or bought from some party store?

Now that’s what I call a bloody cupcake. Very gory to say the least. Still, were those blood spattering axes homemade or bought from some party store?

11. Now for our party veggie platter, a cat skeleton.

Now I didn't know that cats had skeletons made fro veggies and crackers. This is a very interesting specimen indeed.

Now I didn’t know that cats had skeletons made fro veggies and crackers. This is a very interesting specimen indeed.

12. Behold, the cheese dip mummy.

Now I could see the next Wallace and Gromit feature a cheese dip mummy. Would be very terrified if it's made out of Wensleydale or cheddar.

Now I could see the next Wallace and Gromit feature a cheese dip mummy. Would be very terrified if it’s made out of Wensleydale or cheddar.

13. Be fruity with these strawberry white chocolate covered ghosts.

Now if you put them in the fondue, they will haunt your dreams.

Now if you put them in the fondue, they will haunt your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.

14. For those who want to eat healthy, here are some carrot fingers.

What? You didn't know that carrots had fingers? Well, neither did I. But apparently Google Images says so.

What? You didn’t know that carrots had fingers? Well, neither did I. But apparently Google Images says so.

15. For those who want their mummy, here are some mummy cookies.

Now these are just cute, but very creepy as well. Still, I don't want to know what's in them if they're wrapped like that.

Now these are just cute, but very creepy as well. Still, I don’t want to know what’s in them if they’re wrapped like that.

16. Since there may not be many pumpkins in Italy, it’s fair to say that they make a jack-o-pizza for Halloween.

Actually, I might only be joking here. Yet, still, Italians in Italy really do make pizza without the cheese and tomato sauce. Whether they make jack-o-pizzas, I may never know.

Actually, I might only be joking here. Yet, still, Italians in Italy really do make pizza without the cheese and tomato sauce. Whether they make jack-o-pizzas, I may never know.

17. For an appetizer, here’s a bowl of deviled eyeballs.

Actually, they're deviled eggs made to resemble eyeballs. Still, they're enough to make you gag or lose your appetite.

Actually, they’re deviled eggs made to resemble eyeballs. Still, they’re enough to make you gag or lose your appetite.

18. Blood soup with eyeballs and bugs, anyone?

Okay, it's not really as sick as it's made out to be. I mean it's only tomato soup with eyeball crackers and the bug is a prop. Still, I just love to say that.

Okay, it’s not really as sick as it’s made out to be. I mean it’s only tomato soup with eyeball crackers and the bug is a prop. Still, I just love to say that.

19. Now for the kids, candy corn on the cob.

Very clever, but I wonder if the disgusting part is that those kernels are made out of wax and sugar. Also, there are kids who don't want them.

Very clever, but I wonder if the disgusting part is that those kernels are made out of wax and sugar. Also, there are kids who don’t want them.

20. Now here’s a couple hotdogs under some crispy mummy wraps.

Of course, what's scarier than having hot dog mummies, is having to use them as subjects in a college lab experiment at Saint Vincent.

Of course, what’s scarier than having hot dog mummies, is having to use them as subjects in a college lab experiment at Saint Vincent.

21. Now let me introduce you to the “Pilsbury Dead Boys.”

Nice that this person used gummy worms, oreo, and a gingerbread cookie cutter for these. Still, I'm not sure kids would take the reference of dead cookie bodies rising out from the dirt. Disgusting.

Nice that this person used gummy worms, oreo, and a gingerbread cookie cutter for these. Still, I’m not sure kids would take the reference of dead cookie bodies rising out from the dirt. Disgusting.

22. Thanks a lot, waiter, the pepperoni I ordered is infested with spiders and ghosts.

Waiter: "Well, that's our ghost spider pizza deluxe, ordered straight from the haunted house."  Me: "Oh, sorry. I didn't think the spiders were part of the entree."

Waiter: “Well, that’s our ghost spider pizza deluxe, ordered straight from the haunted house.”
Me: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t think the spiders were part of the entree.”

23. And for dessert, here’s some kitty litter cake.

Ugh, no thanks, please. The sight of that just made me lose my appetite.

Ugh, no thanks, please. The sight of that just made me lose my appetite.

24. For all you meat lovers out there, how about some barbecue ribs?

Of course, this delectable is said to be based on an old family recipe. Well, an old family recipe for those who have ancestors in the Donner Party.

Of course, this delectable is said to be based on an old family recipe. Well, an old family recipe for those who have ancestors in the Donner Party.

25. Now for the piece de resistance, brains.

Please don't tell me you got this from a dead body somewhere, or I would puke my guts out.

Please don’t tell me you got this from a dead body somewhere, or I will puke my guts out. I’m sure it’s gelatin. Oh, please be gelatin.

26. Now for the entree, a rat.

Hey, at least it's not the one Blanche Hudson got in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Still, a rat cake, disgusting.

Hey, at least it’s not the one Blanche Hudson got in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Still, a rat cake, disgusting.

27. I call this dish child’s soup.

Now I guess child's soup contains parts from a dead child. Okay, that's just plain sick and demented.

Now I guess child’s soup contains parts from a dead child. Okay, that’s just plain sick and demented. Seriously, that’s something you’d serve to Hannibal Lecter.

28. Okay, folks, now eat my shit.

Now these may just be pastries that taste like chocolate. However, it doesn't make me more likely to eat them.

Now these may just be pastries that taste like chocolate. However, it doesn’t make me more likely to eat them.

29. So how would you like your finger dog?

Now this is very disgusting if you know what I mean. Doesn't help that it's made from meat.

Now this is very disgusting if you know what I mean. Doesn’t help that it’s made from meat.

30. Now for the main course, here are some freshly dug up bones from the garden.

Of course, those bones may not be real but I'm sure Scruffy may think them tasty. Of course, make sure the dog is nowhere near these if you want to eat them.

Of course, those bones may not be real but I’m sure Scruffy may think them tasty. Of course, make sure the dog is nowhere near these if you want to eat them.

31. Now have a piece of this bloodied up brain, will you?

Now this the goriest and most disgusting brain I've ever seen. Yet, if you want to trap zombies, this is perhaps the best bait you can do.

Now this the goriest and most disgusting brain I’ve ever seen. Yet, if you want to trap zombies, this is perhaps the best bait you can do.

32. Just a cheese pizza with pepperoni and spiders.

Now you have admire how this person used veggies and pepperoni to create a spider infestation here.

Now you have admire how this person used veggies and pepperoni to create a spider infestation here.

33. Hey, who left the glass hand in the punch bowl?

Now I see that the marshmallows tend to resemble bones which is pretty sick if you know what I mean. Still, wouldn't want to drink anything that had a bloody hand rising from it.

Now I see that the marshmallows tend to resemble bones which is pretty sick if you know what I mean. Still, wouldn’t want to drink anything that had a bloody hand rising from it.

34. A spider just made a web in my pizza.

No, the spiderweb is actually made from cheese and the spider is made from olives. Still, very much in the Halloween spirit though.

No, the spiderweb is actually made from cheese and the spider is made from olives. Still, very much in the Halloween spirit though.

35. For dessert, we’re having a mutilated corpse.

Makes a lot of the cakes in my baby shower cake post seem less gruesome in comparison. And if it weren't for the cartoonish face, I would've thought it came from the morgue.

Makes a lot of the cakes in my baby shower cake post seem less gruesome in comparison. And if it weren’t for the cartoonish face, I would’ve thought it came from the morgue.

36. I want my mummy toast!

Of course, these are more adorable than scary if I pray tell. Then again, this is supposed to be a kiddie treat.

Of course, these are more adorable than scary if I pray tell. Then again, this is supposed to be a kiddie treat.

37. For those who don’t like mummy toast, here’s mummy pizza.

Looks very similar to mummy toast except circular. Probably is if this person made a pizza via an English muffin.

Looks very similar to mummy toast except circular. Probably is if this person made a pizza via an English muffin.

38. Ah, green fingers, excellent!

I almost thought they were asparagus shoots made to resemble green fingers. That is, until I saw the bottom pretzel ends.

I almost thought they were asparagus shoots made to resemble green fingers. That is, until I saw the bottom pretzel ends.

39. In Candyland, you might want to stay away from the black licorice with the ground covered in candy corn.

Understanding that black licorice and candy corn aren't high on people's favorite Halloween candy lists, I wonder if these were just made for decoration.

Understanding that black licorice and candy corn aren’t high on people’s favorite Halloween candy lists, I wonder if these were just made for decoration. Then again, they’re mounted on chocolate and graham crackers.

40. Now for dessert, I bring you skull cake.

So I guess having a bloody skull cake covered in white icing would've made it seem too realistic and graphic for some people. Still, quite disgusting.

So I guess having a bloody skull cake covered in white icing would’ve made it seem too realistic and graphic for some people. Still, quite disgusting.

41. Behold, the haunted cemetery of health food.

I'm not sure if I would call pretzels or crackers health food. Still, more of a clever platter creation than scary.

I’m not sure if I would call pretzels or crackers health food. Still, more of a clever platter creation than scary.

42. To go with your dinner, here is some bony bread sticks.

Of course, the person who took this picture called these, "salty bones." Still, I hope they aren't mistaken for real bones though.

Of course, the person who took this picture called these, “salty bones.” Still, I hope they aren’t mistaken for real bones though.

43. For Mexican flair, perhaps have a jack-o-lantern quesadilla.

The scariest part of this dish is that it's actually better for you than anything you'd get at Taco Bell.

The scariest part of this dish is that it’s actually better for you than anything you’d get at Taco Bell. Of course, that place doesn’t carry real Mexican food anyway.

44. For the kids we have these cute little pretzel brooms.

They may not be the kind of treats you'd serve at a Halloween party for adults, but they don't seem too bad.

They may not be the kind of treats you’d serve at a Halloween party for adults, but they don’t seem too bad. Still, you have to admire using the cheese as a broom fringe.

45. Didn’t know that witches’ hats came in such varieties.

Of course, these are cookies with Hershey's kisses on top. Still, I'd eat em. Then again, I'd eat almost any sugary treat with chocolate.

Of course, these are cookies with Hershey’s kisses on top. Still, I’d eat em. Then again, I’d eat almost any sugary treat with chocolate.

46. Aha, so I see a bunch of severed heads impaled on toothpicks. How interesting.

Now I know these aren't real severed heads. Yet, who's sick and twisted idea was it to make treats with impaled heads?

Now I know these aren’t real severed heads. Yet, who’s sick and twisted idea was it to make treats with impaled heads?

47. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present a heart on a platter.

Hey, it's Halloween what do you expect a heart cake to look like this time of year! This isn't Valentine's Day, people!

Hey, it’s Halloween what do you expect a heart cake to look like this time of year! This isn’t Valentine’s Day, people!

48. For the main course, I thought we could serve some broiled hand.

Of course, if it didn't have a vegetable stuffed in it, you probably would've thought it was somebody's severed hand burned to a crisp.

Of course, if it didn’t have a vegetable stuffed in it, you probably would’ve thought it was somebody’s severed hand burned to a crisp.

49. I bring you the $5 dollar foot meatloaf.

Still, compared to Subway's $5 foot long, this is actually a foot. Also, you can eat it with family. Sounds pretty gross does it?

Still, compared to Subway’s $5 foot long, this is actually a foot. Also, you can eat it with family. Sounds pretty gross does it?

50. Hope that doughnut doesn’t eat me for breakfast.

Now this is a pretty ghoulish doughnut. Yet, what's scarier about this ferocious fritter is the damage it can do to your arteries.

Now this is a pretty ghoulish doughnut. Yet, what’s scarier about this ferocious fritter is the damage it can do to your arteries.

51. For the appetizer we have some minidog finger wraps.

They are called finger wraps because they're made to look like actual fingers. You know, finger food.

They are called finger wraps because they’re made to look like actual fingers. You know, finger food.

52. For the entree, I give you all worms.

These worms look so real that I lose my appetite just looking at them. Yet, I'm sure this is a robin's version of Thanksgiving dinner.

These worms look so real that I lose my appetite just looking at them. Yet, I’m sure this is a robin’s version of Thanksgiving dinner.

53. For a nice little snack, here are some spooky candy pretzels.

May not be scary but I'll eat them. Also, they're pretty cute though they don't resemble ghosts to me in any way.

May not be scary but I’ll eat them. Also, they’re pretty cute though they don’t resemble ghosts to me in any way.

54. Here’s some stuffed jack-o-peppers with spaghetti in them.

Of course, these seem pretty sick but fairly clever. Yet, I'm not sure if the pasta is supposed to represent the pumpkin contents or worms.

Of course, these seem pretty sick but fairly clever. Yet, I’m not sure if the pasta is supposed to represent the pumpkin contents or worms.

55. Feast your eyes on these spider web treats.

Amazing all the things you can make with chocolate and pretzels. And there's a chocolate spider in the center.

Amazing all the things you can make with chocolate and pretzels. And there’s a chocolate spider in the center.

56. Oh, look, a spider cheese ball.

Now I don't know about you but large spiders are certainly scary. This is especially true if they're covered in olives to look realistic.

Now I don’t know about you but large spiders are certainly scary. This is especially true if they’re covered in olives to look realistic.

57. For your dessert, I bring you these spider cupcakes.

These must be the scariest cupcakes I've ever seen. Also, these spiders look as if they're out for blood and aren't very happy.

These must be the scariest cupcakes I’ve ever seen. Also, these spiders look as if they’re out for blood and aren’t very happy.

58. Behold, the jack-o-lantern vegetable platter.

Not scary but mostly made out of baby carrots and olives. Will give you a rather healthy but appetizing snack.

Not scary but mostly made out of baby carrots and olives. Will give you a rather healthy but appetizing snack.

59. Oh, shit, there’s a roach infestation in my popcorn.

Sorry, my mistake. This is a Halloween snack and the roaches are made from chocolate. Then again a chocolate roach seems pretty disgusting.

Sorry, my mistake. This is a Halloween snack and the roaches are made from chocolate. Then again a chocolate roach seems pretty disgusting.

60. Of course, could you give me a hand with the dessert?

If that means cutting my hand off for that, then no way in hell. Please, this severed hand cake almost makes me puke.

If that means cutting my hand off for that, then no way in hell. Please, this severed hand cake almost makes me puke.

61. Nothing says Halloween like a pizza pie eye.

Now this pizza pie kin of makes me sick to my stomach. Lucky it's bigger than most eyeballs would be, save perhaps a giant squid.

Now this pizza pie kin of makes me sick to my stomach. Lucky it’s bigger than most eyeballs would be, save perhaps a giant squid.

62. For those on the go, here is a piece of a lung calzone.

I hope these golden brown lungs taste better than they look. I mean seriously, a lung calzone?

I hope these golden brown lungs taste better than they look. I mean seriously, a lung calzone?

63. Feast your eyes on this evil clown cake.

Whoever made this cake is perhaps one of the best pastry artists who ever lived. Also, perhaps Halloween is one of the few holidays when this clown cake is appropriate.

Whoever made this cake is perhaps one of the best pastry artists who ever lived. Also, perhaps Halloween is one of the few holidays when this clown cake is appropriate.

64. For lunch munch on a snake hoagie.

One of these days, perhaps this slithering $5 foot long would be at a Subway near you, but I highly doubt it.

One of these days, perhaps this slithering $5 foot long would be at a Subway near you, but I highly doubt it.

65. Man, these skeletons seem to have serious problems.

Now these are clever cookies with each having a different personality. Too bad you can't do the same for Christmas.

Now these are clever cookies with each having a different personality. Too bad you can’t do the same for Christmas.

66. For appetizers, here’s a skull on the cracker platter.

Now that skull seems out of its mind as the dip. Still, pretty creepy to say the least.

Now that skull seems out of its mind as the dip. Still, pretty creepy to say the least.

67. And now I give you some Mexican graveyard dip on a plate.

Now I guess that seems like quite the party platter there. Still, I hope the green ooze is just guacamole.

Now I guess that seems like quite the party platter there. Still, I hope the green ooze is just guacamole.

68. For appetizers, feel free to dip into the spider web.

Now I'm sure this would be a nightmare to an arachnophobic who loves guacamole. I wonder if that person would dip his or nacho in it.

Now I’m sure this would be a nightmare to an arachnophobic who loves guacamole. I wonder if that person would dip his or nacho in it.

68. For those who like to grill, here are some jack-o-burgers.

Of course, you have to carve jack-o-lantern faces on the cheese before you attach them to the burgers. Then again, my dad likes to toast the cheese to the bun anyway.

Of course, you have to carve jack-o-lantern faces on the cheese before you attach them to the burgers. Then again, my dad likes to toast the cheese to the bun anyway.

70. Eeek! There’s a large spider in the salsa dip.

Actually the giant spider is the salsa bowl. Still, pretty scary despite being made of delicious bread.

Actually the giant spider is the salsa bowl. Still, pretty scary despite being made of delicious bread.

Actually the giant spider is the salsa bowl. Still, pretty scary despite being made of delicious bread.

Actually the giant spider is the salsa bowl. Still, pretty scary despite being made of delicious bread.

71. How about some eyeballs and ham head.

Now this seems like a an appetizer platter for headhunters. Almost makes me want to throw up dinner just looking at it.

Now this seems like a an appetizer platter for headhunters. Almost makes me want to throw up dinner just looking at it.

72. And now for dessert, why are there giant spiders on the cakes?

Now that's a frightening display of cakes that would make Ron Weasley shiver in fear. Still, for some it's very unappetizing.

Now that’s a frightening display of cakes that would make Ron Weasley shiver in fear. Still, for some it’s very unappetizing.

73. For those who like cheese and pumpkins, here’s a jack-o-cheese ball.

Now this may not be scary or gross, but it's certainly kid friendly. Of course, this may not be the case after a bunch of crackers have been in it.

Now this may not be scary or gross, but it’s certainly kid friendly. Of course, this may not be the case after a bunch of crackers have been in it.

74. Now here are some witchy cupcakes for the kids.

Of course, they remind me of blue witches' cats in cone hats and covered in blue icing. Yet, what do I know about what witches look like?

Of course, they remind me of blue witches’ cats in cone hats and covered in blue icing. Yet, what do I know about what witches look like?

75. I’m afraid I’ll have to go on the graveyard cake shift again.

Now this is one cool cemetery cake I'd like to see at any Halloween party. I mean it's pretty amazing.

Now this is one cool cemetery cake I’d like to see at any Halloween party. I mean it’s pretty amazing.

Bad Movie Husbands/Boyfriends

The movie Gone Girl has gotten a lot of press these days since it’s about a guy accused of killing his wife and the fact they didn’t really have the best relationship. Of course, this gave me the idea to write a post on some of the awful husbands and boyfriends in cinema history since there are a lot of them from the silent era to today. And if Ben Affleck’s character in that movie is as bad a husband to his wife as seen in the previews, then he’s in very good company. From assholes and complete jerks to domestic abusers, bastards, and bluebeards, bad male significant others have always been with us in cinema. The hard part about this post for me was basically coming up with a list of some of the worst and best known. Of course, there are plenty of honorable mentions like Maximilian “Maxim” de Winter from Rebecca, Claudio and Petruchio from Much Ado about Nothing and Taming of the Shrew, Noah from The Notebook, James Bond, a lot of boyfriends and husbands from romantic comedies and horror movies, plenty of superheroes, and others. Some I eliminated since they weren’t involved with their love interest to begin with while others I weeded out since they were nowhere as worse as the 30 I put up. Not to mention, there are those I left out since they were from films a lot of people wouldn’t know though I left some in since they were too horrible to leave out though I didn’t put in others simply because they’re not well remembered as bad spouses like Iago for instance. Thus, for your pleasure, here are some terrible husbands and boyfriends to make some of you ladies feel better about the guys you’re with. And fellas, just because your girlfriend may complain that you aren’t as handsome as Heathcliff or Edward Cullen, you might want to feel grateful that you are nothing like either of them since they’re complete bastards. Also, note that this isn’t a blog post bashing men since there are plenty of nice guys in film and real life. Besides, just because I’m writing a post dedicated to bad boyfriends and husbands doesn’t mean I’m insulting a whole gender because I’m not. In fact, I know a lot of great guys in my life and there are plenty of them I respect, admire, and love as well as call myself a feminist. I’m just listing movie men who don’t make good partners and why. Not to mention, I’ll have a similar one for bad wives and girlfriends soon.

1. Gregor Anton (a. k. a. Sergius Bauer)

90725-004-EF50387B
From: Gaslight
The Problem: Basically this guy is the main reason why this movie coins the term of emotional abuse it features. You know, gaslighting which is basically trying to control somebody by convincing them they’re crazy. Now Gregor marries Paula who’s been haunted by her aunt’s death years earlier. So what does Gregor suggest she do about it? Why, move into that very house her aunt died in of course. Paula relents yet she soon starts hearing noises, losing small objects, and seeing the gas lights in the house dim for no reason. When Gregor’s watch turns up in her pocketbook, he accuses her of stealing it. This leads Paula to question her own sanity while Gregor does everything he could to isolate her from other people save for the maids. It turns out that he only married Paula and planned to send her to the funny farm so he could steal her aunt’s costume jewels from the attic. Oh, and did I say he was the guy who knocked off her aunt in the first place? Also, Gregor Anton’s not his real name and he also has a wife and kids someplace in his home country somewhere in Central Europe.

2. Roy Neary

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From: Close Encounters with the Third Kind
The Problem: Sure he may not be an abuser or cheater but he’s a terrible husband to his long suffering wife Ronnie who just wants him to give her some appreciation for all that she does for him as well as take some fucking responsibility with his life. Their relationship is already in trouble in the beginning when you see him ignoring her while she’s trying to get his attention as she’s cleaning the house. And when he starts seeing the UFOs, it’s all downhill from there. Roy basically spends the rest of the movie being obsessed with finding the alien spaceship and Devil’s Tower that he ends up neglecting his responsibilities and his family. When he gets fired for not showing up to work, he lets Ronnie deal with it. Sure people may be happy that Roy gets to go on the spaceship but what he’s really doing is running away from his responsibilities and his family. Also, he destroyed his house by building an extra-large model of Devil’s Tower which ultimately drives Ronnie away.

3. Lewton McCanles

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From: Duel in the Sun
The Problem: You’d think just because he’s played by Gregory Peck, he’d be a nice guy. After all, he played Atticus Finch. Well, like Atticus, Lewton may be smoking hot with a nice voice. He also plays guitar and sings, teaches his horse tricks, and his bad boy vibe is a hit with the ladies. He’s especially accommodating to Pearl Chavez when she starts living on Spanish Bit after her dad’s execution for killing her mom. Yet, Lewt’s not only a manipulative bastard who forces his way into Pearl’s pants on occasional nights and reneges his promise to marry her. He’s also an intensely possessive and violent psycho who doesn’t want to see Pearl with anyone else and would do absolutely anything to see it that way. When he finds out Pearl set to marry another man, he goes completely apeshit. He picks a fight with Pearl’s fiancé just to shoot him dead, derails a train, and shoots his brother Jesse unarmed. Oh, and he has one of his ranch hands tip Pearl off which results in a desert shootout between the two that leads to their death in each other’s arms. Still, despite treating Pearl so unbelievably horribly in ways previously unseen in a 1946 film (I mean the guy fucking rapes her), she still keeps coming back to Lewt because she has no self-esteem. Still, as to whether he loved Pearl or not, you can debate about it until the cows come home. Yet, he obviously cares much more about himself than he does about Pearl, especially in regards to sexual consent.

4. Jack Torrance

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From: The Shining
The Problem: Let’s see, cabin fever induced crazy ax murdering aside, Jack is a terrible husband even before coming to the Overlook Hotel. He’s a selfish jerk who dragged his family to some isolated hotel in the dead of winter just so he could finish his novel (he doesn’t). He’s also an alcoholic with anger issues that he rips Danny’s arm out of its socket for messing up his test papers and makes his wife Wendy afraid of her own shadow. Still, Jack didn’t just drag his family to the hotel to finish his novel or spend quality time with them but to also isolate them from anyone else as what he tells his wife, “When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?” Oh, and when his family has had enough of being at some creepy lodging in the middle of nowhere during the winter, Jack does everything he could so they can’t escape and he proceeds to try killing them. Now if you were married to an ax murdering lunatic that goes, “Here’s Johnny!” you might want to file a restraining order.

5. Dixon “Dix” Steele

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From: In a Lonely Place
The Problem: While Dixon Steele may be a Hollywood screenwriter you’d mistake for a male porn star if you didn’t see this move, this is the least of his issues. And despite being played by Humphrey Bogart, to be in a relationship with Dix is a very scary prospect. From the very beginning, we are well aware that Dix has an explosive temper and a history of violent behavior. We just don’t know how explosive until the very end. So when he takes home a hat check girl who’s found mysteriously murdered the next day, he’s the LAPD’s #1 suspect. Now when neighbor Laurel Gray hooks up with him, she’s absolutely sure that Dix is totally innocent. At first, things between them are fine but soon there’s trouble in paradise that make you doubt whether Dix was telling the truth. And if it isn’t Dix’s guaranteed to scare you “If I Did It” speech that does it, then it could probably the scene when Dix furiously travels too fast and sideswipes another car as well as brutally beats the driver unconscious before preparing to strike him with a large rock. Now such sight makes Laurel understandably terrified and distrustful of him that she can’t sleep without taking pills and only accepts his marriage proposal because she’s afraid of what he might do to her if she refused. Oh, and when he finds out her plans to take the next plane out of LA, he goes ballistic and tries to strangle her. Now I’m not going to give the ending away, but by this point even Laurel thinks that Dix may have killed somebody since he’s certainly viable suspect.

6. Carlo Rizzi

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From: The Godfather
The Problem: Now most of the male members of the Corleone family are pretty bad guys since well, they’re in the mafia so those implications go without saying. Also, while Sonny is a cheater and Michael is a controlling liar who kills his brother Fredo. However, if there was a Corleone family member who deserved a place on this list, it would be Connie’s husband Carlo Rizzi. Now their marriage begins with a storybook wedding all paid by Don Vito. Yet, you later find out that Carlo married Connie just to join the Corleone family business and doesn’t take Sonny shunning him from family meetings too well at all. So he takes his frustrations and rage out on Connie, has a bunch of affairs, and makes a deal with two other mafia families to help take Sonny out. Now this would understandably upset Connie who tries to confront him but Carlo beats her twice (and on one she was pregnant). Let’s just say, despite committing fratricide, Michael doesn’t lose sibling points for having Carlo strangled on his baby’s baptism.

7. Edward Cullen

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From: The Twilight Saga
The Problem: For one, he’s a blood sucking vampire with a personality of a cardboard box, yet that’s best thing you can say about him. Second, he’s 108 years old and attends high school. Sure he hasn’t aged a bit for 90 years but still, he sees absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship with a 17 year old girl. Third, Edward seems to show all the signs of an emotionally abusive boyfriend to Bella Swan and his withholding sex basically leads her to give up any ambition or dream she ever had and marry him. Control freak? I’ll say. Oh, and he stalks her, too a lot like watching her sleep and breaking into her home all because he loves her and wants to keep her safe. He also dictates who she could be friends with, encourages his family to spy on her and prevent her from disobeying his wishes. Major trust issues, anyone? And did I tell you he harbors the urge to eat her as well as repeatedly warn her against being with him? Still, let’s face it, despite his good looks, Edward is controlling, manipulative, and possessive asshole whom no girl should date. Also, the relationship between Edward and Bella which has electrified an entire fanbase of screaming teenage girls is fundamentally unhealthy in every way imaginable despite not including cheating, abuse, addiction, or rape. And it’s very disturbing that Edward seems to have a lot of fangirls who thinks he’s just so perfect. Still, if he ever breaks into my house, I’ll just grab my crucifix and sprinkle myself with garlic.

8. Earl Hunterson

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From: Waitress
The Problem: So this movie is about a woman named Jenna who works as a waitress who makes pies just to escape her horrible marriage. When Jenna finds out she’s pregnant she goes to great lengths to hide her pregnancy from her husband and stores some money in secret so she could escape from him. Of course, she has a good reason for it since Earl’s an abusive asshole who has no qualms taking Jenna’s money away from her because he thinks that a husband always has to be in charge of the money. In reality, he just wants to control her and keep her from leaving. Also, he flips out when he discovers her secret stash, destroys a table at her best friend’s wedding, and offers to buy a camcorder with money so they could make sex films. Oh, and he said that he’d let Jenna have the baby if she agrees to never love the kid more than him. What? And he slaps her across the face. Striking your pregnant wife, how nice! Luckily Jenna tells him to hit the bricks.

9. Monk
From: The Purple Rose of Cairo
The Problem: Like Jenna, Cecilia is a diner waitress yet she’s not pregnant and instead of baking pies, she goes to the movies. Now any money she earns from her work at the diner goes to her out of work husband Monk who should be looking for a job. However, he uses the money to gamble with his “friends” instead of paying the bills, drinks, and has an affair he blames on his wife. It’s also implied that he constantly beats her. Over the film’s course, Cecilia tries to leave Monk many times but he always reminds her that she’ll always come back to him because she has nowhere else to go. And you’d really want her to run off to Hollywood actor Jeff Daniels but he ditches her once the main plot is resolved. Thus, it leaves Cecilia having to watch movies every night and go back to that terrible husband of hers because she has no other choices in life. Still, you kind of wish fate would intervene with Monk coming to a bad end with having a bookie from the mafia kind.

10. Martin Burney

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From: Sleeping with the Enemy
The Problem: This may not be a good movie, but Martin is one bad husband. Basically the plot of the movie goes with his wife Laura faking her own death and planning on getting rid of him in the most intricate way for months since she knew he’d always terrorize her whether she divorced him or not. He’s abusive, possessive, and jealous even when a neighbor would just say hi. Not only that, but Laura faked drowning to death in a storm while she and her husband were sailing, took swimming lessons to overcome her fear of water, and faked her mom’s death by putting her in a nursing home with a different name well before then. Oh, and he basically decides to smother his mother-in-law with a pillow just because she called him a monster. Okay, Laura, now I see why you created such an intricate plan just to get rid of one man.

11. Jerome “Jerry” Lundergaard

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From: Fargo
The Problem: He hires two criminals he hasn’t met before to kidnap his wife Jean so he could mooch money off his father-in-law as ransom. This is a plan so insane that even the crooks just advise him to man up and ask Jean for the money, which would’ve solved everything. Still, this goes as horribly wrong as you’d expect so Jerry just lies to his father-in-law to control the situation just so he could get the money. He also tries to cancel the kidnapping when he thinks there may be a legit business deal that may work out. Yet, when he finds out he can’t stop it, he just goes along with it anyway which results in Jean and her dad getting killed as well as his teenage son being understandably crushed after his mom’s disappearance. And finally, despite being directly responsible for getting his wife and father-in-law killed over money, he shows absolutely no remorse for his actions and would do anything to cover it up, even lie to his son.

12. Johnnie Aysgarth

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From: Suspicion
The Problem: Now just because Johnnie is played by Cary Grant, doesn’t mean he’d make a great husband or boyfriend because he’s a complete turd. Sure he may be charming and shower Lina with lavish gifts despite her wealthy dad’s strong disapproval of him. Of course, her dad’s suspicions are very much on the money, especially after Lina and Johnnie return from a lavish honeymoon and settle into an extravagant house. It’s here that Lina discovers her new husband has no job, no income, habitually lives on borrowed money, and married her so he could sponge of her old man. And to make matters worse, Johnnie is a compulsive gambler who pawns off Lina’s heirloom chairs she received as a wedding present from her beloved father, is fired by her cousin for embezzlement, and is referred to as “a highly entertaining liar” from a friend. Still, he always tells Lina he would change his ways and take some responsibility in his life but he never does. Also, when Lina starts being distrustful of him, he gets defensive and tells her to stay out of his business. And when his friend Beaky is mysteriously found dead, Lina starts suspecting that Johnnie kill him and is planning on killing her for the life insurance. Of course, they stay together in the end since Johnnie tells her he’s not a murderer but you kind of wish that Lina just pack her bags and leave him just the same since he’s a gold digging liar and a crook who doesn’t want to take any responsibility with his life.

13. Caledon Nathan “Cal” Hockley

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From: Titanic (1997)
The Problem: Well, technically he and Rose weren’t really together in the intimate sense but he’s her fiancé so he counts. We know that Cal’s a horrible fit for Rose as well as arrogant and selfish. Not only that, but it’s worth noting that Rose didn’t want to marry this guy in the first place. Yet, she’s engaged to him because her mother wants some fast cash to stay in first class. Cal barely pays and attention to her and when he does, it just seems like he’s trying to control her. Oh, and he gets insanely jealous when he finds out about Rose hooking up with Jack Dawson, he just slaps her and goes ballistic. And he handcuffs Jack to the sinking ship and goes after them with a gun shooting whoever’s in his way, all because he didn’t get what he wanted. Still, you can understand why Rose threw herself overboard and screwed a bum.

14. Mister (Albert)

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From: The Color Purple
The Problem: Well, after spending a childhood of enduring the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse from the stepfather from hell, Celie is a human basket case conditioned to accept the life Mister has in store for her. This means basically enduring being battered, beaten, demeaned, and raped. And to make matters worse, he cuts her off from her sister Nettie who’s the only person who cares about her and has his mistress move into their home where he expects Celie to accommodate and wait on her hand in foot. Ironically, the mistress part may actually have been the most positive development in Celie’s life for a long time.

15. Ike Turner

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From: What’s Love Got to with It
The Problem: Now Ike Turner was a horrible husband in real life and his portrayal in this movie by Laurence Fishburne got him an Academy Award nomination. He’s basically an abusive selfish jerk who’s jealous of Tina’s career as well as constantly beats and berates her to the point that she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. He always reminds her that he made her (well, he did make her famous but that’s beside the point) and that she would be nothing without him. And when she does, he tells her she can’t keep his name saying, “The name is mine. The name got my daddy’s blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!” Well, we’d probably applaud Tina for sticking up for herself against that terrible man.

16. Guy Woodhouse

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From: Rosemary’s Baby
The Problem: Sure he’s not abuser, cheater, or murderer. Yet, he forced his wife to be Satan’s handmaiden and father the Anti-Christ just so he could further his career. May be an narcissistic asshole yet he sees no problem with the Beast raping Rosemary in front of a crowd of elderly Satanic cultists watching. Now that would instantly put you on the list. Hope the whole “making your wife handmaiden of Satan thing” comes back to bite him and he meets a similar fate like Gregory Peck did in The Omen.

17. Flap Horton

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From: Terms of Endearment
The Problem: Now when Aurora Greenway warned Emma that marrying Flap Horton would be a big mistake of major proportions, she was right. And while Flap may not be one of the worst characters on this list, he’s a liar, serial adulterer, and uninvolved husband and father to his three kids. He’s also a selfish jerk who cares about his own self-gratification and academic career more than his own family. Emma gives up her career for him, too. And to make matters worse Emma dies of cancer and he doesn’t seem to be there for her either or even sad about her death. Not to mention, he also didn’t think twice about handing his kids to their grandmother to raise in Houston. Kind of sad and depressing if you really think about it. Still, his children aren’t going to grow up remembering him fondly.

18. Jason “JD” Dean

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From: Heathers
The Problem: Sure he’s handsome and almost a dream come true at first since Veronica feels like she could connect with him, yet JD is actually the kind of boy you’d want to take home to mama. Not because he wears a leather jacket mind you, but because he’s a manipulative creep and a raging psycho oddly obsessed with weapons and death (never a good sign). He loves to murder anyone who crosses his path and frame it as a suicide. Soon he’s dragging his girlfriend Veronica into his mad schemes when she tells him she hates her friends. He suggests knocking them off one by one, which sickens her. Also, threatens to blow up the school.

19. Chris Wilton

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From: Match Point
The Problem: For one, he’s a married ex-tennis pro and cheats on his gorgeous wife a lot, especially with an equally beautiful Nola Rice (who’s engaged to a student of his in the beginning). Sure he’s a handsome and charming tennis pro. But when Nola turns up pregnant, all Chris worries about the child’s existence being a liability to the affair he doesn’t want his wife Chloe to know. Desperate enough that he kills Nola and her neighbor, stages a burglary at that neighbor’s apartment to make it look like a drug crime, and lies his way out of it with the aid of attorneys.

20. Tony Wendice

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From: Dial M for Murder
The Problem: Now if ex-tennis pro Tony wanted to kill his wife Margot because she was cheating on him, he wouldn’t be on this list. However, he just uses her adultery as an excuse to have her murdered so he could get his hands on her vast sums of cash. He does this by blackmailing his old college buddy to kill her but Margot ends up killing him instead in self-defense. So to cover up that he did hire a crook to kill his wife, Tony just sets up to frame her for Swann’s murder which gets her convicted and sentenced to death. This when he and his wife are seemingly renew their relationship. Sure he gets his comeuppance in the end, but still, if your husband frames you for murder after he tried to get you killed, it’s probably time for a divorce.

21. Joe Clay

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From: Days of Wine and Roses
The Problem: Now Joe Clay is actually one of the better guys on this list as well as one of the few her who actually takes responsibility with his life and changes his ways so he could at least be a better father for his daughter Debbie. However, he’s on this list as a bad male significant other for a reason and it’s for the fact he’s an alcoholic and introduced his girlfriend (later wife) Kristen Arnesen to booze. Of course, Joe’s drinking worsens and costs him his job and destroying his father-in-law’s greenhouse. Yet, Kristen also develops an addiction which leads to even more destructive behavior like causing a fire in their apartment which almost killed herself and their daughter. And soon she’s basically disappearing for a long time and picking up strangers in bars (akin to Jimmy McNulty). Now while Joe does eventually sober up and get his life back together, the fact he introduced Kristen to booze basically wrecked their relationship before it really began. Not only that, but it also indirectly wrecked Kristen’s life, which is why his father-in-law may never forgive him. Joe may still have a chance to be a better father to Debbie as well as good partner to the next woman he meets, but there’s no way he’ll ever make a good husband for Kristen because his relationship with her has sailed and it’s his fault.

22. Monte Beragon

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From: Mildred Pierce
The Problem: He’s a rich playboy living on who’s all too content to live off of Mildred’s hard earned money from the restaurant business she built. Still, while Monte may be handsome and charming with a nice house and a closet full of ladies’ clothes, he’s a piece of shit while his spending habits and laziness partially lead to Mildred’s downfall. And it doesn’t help that he still views her as common scum for being born at a lower station than himself as well as is well liked by Mildred’s spoiled sociopathic daughter Veda who’d she absolutely do anything for. Of course, Mildred only marries Monte so Veda could come back to her. Unfortunately, she discovers that Monte and Veda are having an affair and witnesses her daughter shoot her stepfather dead. Now given that Monte is much older than Veda who’s still practically a teenager, it’s probably a fate much deserved.

23. Mr. Edward Rochester

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From: Jane Eyre
The Problem: Now let’s see. For one, he’s Jane Eyre’s boss and governess to his kid. Second, he’s several years older than her as well as worms his way into Jane’s heart by trying to make her jealous when seemingly seeing a spoiled rich bitch. Third and most importantly, Jane doesn’t know that he’s married and keeps his wife in an attic until seconds before she’s about to marry Mr. Rochester at the altar. From someone else. Now if there is anything that would be a justified case of turning Bridezilla, it would be that but Jane seems to take it remarkably well. Apparently, since Mr. Rochester is manipulative and untrustworthy, Jane ends up going back to him after his house burns down and his wife is dead. But still, this story may take place in the 19th century but I still don’t think Jane should’ve went back to him since he’s a completely unsuitable man indeed.

24. Tom Buchanan

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From: The Great Gatsby
The Problem: Say what you want about Jay Gatsby, but he’s nowhere near as bad as Tom Buchanan who makes the rich bootlegger worth rooting for in this love triangle. Now if there’s one thing that Daisy probably regrets doing in life, it’s probably marrying this no good piece of shit but by the time the novel begins, she’s already had a kid with him and it’s too late to go back to Gatsby. Yet, seeing that she’s married to a lousy human specimen like Tom Buchanan, you kind of wish she should just take their daughter and high tail it. Tom is a self-absorbed, controlling, emotionally abusive, and racist prick who sees nothing wrong with cheating and neglecting his wife. In fact, he’s fooling around that he didn’t even bother to show up for the birth of his own child. But if Daisy ever should cheat on him with Gatsby, well, he’s certainly going to be pissed. Also, was indirectly responsible for setting up Gatsby’s murder by leading George to believe he ran over Myrtle who’s also Tom’s mistress he’s seen physically abusing. Seems like a very nice guy. Not.

25. Count Vincenzo Torlato-Favrini
From: The Barefoot Contessa
The Problem: Now Count Vincenzo may seem like Maria Vargas’ Prince Charming when you first see him and you think she may live happily ever after. Yet in reality, he’s basically as bad as most of the male characters in this film save Humphrey Bogart. Sure he may bestow affection to Maria, beats up a guy in casino for her, as well as lives in a big fancy house. But he’s a manipulative bastard who doesn’t love her and only marries Maria so he could create a memorable end to his family line since there’s no way he and his sister will ever have children. Not to mention, he tells her that he had no idea she was a famous actress and didn’t watch her movies (this is certainly a lie because I think he knows everything about her). Maria is successfully duped. Now if Count Vincenzo truly loved Maria, he would’ve told her about his war injury and his inability to consummate their relationship before the wedding. Instead, he tells her after the lavish ceremony on their wedding night which leads to her crying on the bed. Still, Maria tries to make everything better by cheating on him to get herself pregnant and passing the unborn child as his kid. Unfortunately Count Vincenzo ends up killing her in a crime of passion. And this was probably exactly what he wanted.

26. Stanley Kowalski

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From: A Streetcar Named Desire
The Problem: Now Stanley is certainly the worst brother-in-law in literature or the movies has ever seen. And despite that he may be a sexy bad boy played by Marlon Brando, he’s a horrible human being. Sure he may have a right to know about Blanche since she’s his wife’s sister and house guest and has every right to dislike her. Yet, understand that he treats her with nothing but contempt from the beginning contrary to Stella’s wishes. Not only that, but he also has rage issues which he takes on a pregnant Stella after he loses in a poker game (making him the third guy on his list to strike his pregnant wife). Now she seems quite calm about it and is quick to forgive him as if Stanley’s physical abuse is just a normal part of their relationship. This establishes that Stanley is the one wearing the pants in the relationship which is not good. Also, to add insult to injury, he rapes Blanche on the night Stella goes into labor, which leads his sister-in-law to go nuts and be institutionalized.

27. Heathcliff

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From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: Heathcliff may be one of literature’s most famous romantic leads and yes, he and Catherine Earnshaw may have a very passionate and all-consuming love that started when they were raised together as children. However, their love is clearly unhealthy and intensely destructive, which leads to the ruin of them and almost everyone around them. Also, there’s a possibility that they might have the same dad so you do the math. Sure he may have been bullied and abused since childhood but he’s a complete bastard and was never really a nice person to begin with. Now when Catherine Earnshaw rejects him and marries Edgar Linton, Heathcliff leaves the country for a few years as well as returns immensely wealthy and a great thirst for revenge against those who made his life miserable. Whether it’s buying Wuthering Heights from under Hindley’s nose and driving him further into a death by alcoholism in his 30s or marrying Edgar’s sister Isabelle just simply out of spite, Heathcliff’s love for Cathy won’t end even if he has to destroy everyone’s lives in retaliation for not getting the girl of his dreams. And if you’re Isabella, you may be boy crazy over him at your brother’s estate but once Heathcliff is yours, well, welcome to hell. I mean Isabella is practically miserable because Heathcliff basically ignores and abuses her. Not to mention, it’s could be fair to say despite being a romantic hero to generations of teenage girls, he could possibly be a sociopath who may taint and destroy everything he touches. Avoid men like him, please, for your own good.

28. Billy Loomis

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From: Scream
The Problem: Sure he may seem like a creep who you wants to get into Sidney Prescott’s pants at first. But if Billy’s biggest sin was being a horny teenage boy, then he wouldn’t be on this list since there are plenty of movie male significant others who are much worse. And Billy is in good company since he’s a psychopath and serial killer who murders all of Sidney’s friends (so it seems), knocks off her mother, the school principal, and others with his buddy, Stu. Oh, and he tries to kill her.

29. Othello

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From: Othello
The Problem: Let’s just say in the Shakespearean sense, while Othello certainly loves his wife Desdemona, he’s more likely to listen to “Honest Iago” about the women of Venice than her. Now Iago is a scheming and lying turd (his own wife doesn’t even trust him and one of the vilest Shakespearean villains to date but he’s not remembered much as a husband so he’s not on here) who wants to take his boss Othello down because he didn’t get promoted (or so he says but you can’t really believe him). He picks at Othello’s brain saying that Desdemona’s running off with him was proof of her lustful nature since she basically screwed all the guys in town before going to him and basically tries to convince him that Desdemona and Cassio were having an affair. This by planting Desde’s handkerchief at Cassio’s place. Now Othello is understandably upset that his lovely white wife could possibly be cheating on him but does he confront Desdemona and ask whether she actually sleep with Cassio or Iago was just bullshitting? Yes, he does and Emilia for good measure but he doesn’t believe either even though Cassio and Desdemona haven’t even had a chance in this whole play thus far. Still, this doesn’t stop Othello from ordering Cassio killed and smothering Desdemona in their bed. This is before he finds out his wife wasn’t cheating at all, renounces God, and kills himself. Now that’s a tragedy, folks.

30. Jake LaMotta

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From: Raging Bull
The Problem: Another real life example and one that earned Robert DeNiro the Oscar for Best Actor. It’s said that the real Jake LaMotta didn’t realize how much of a jerk he was to his ex-wives until he saw this movie. While he’s one of the few bad husbands to reform or at least realize he has a problem, he could easily make Stanley Kowalski and Ike Turner seem like Prince Charming in comparison. Sure he achieved success as a boxer, but he’s a man consumed with anger, paranoia, and shame. For one, he cheats on and later dumps his first wife with a 15 year old girl. Second, he’s very possessive of Vicki that his jealousy fits come out of nowhere and from the slightest provocations which result in violent physical abuse. I mean he regularly beats his wife because she suspects she may be interested in other men, including his brother. And it doesn’t help that he won’t have sex with her and is seen making out with several women in the club near the end. Still, while he did achieve success as a boxer, his impulsive violence drove away everyone he loved and the title just to bail himself out of prison.

The Wonderful World of Playgrounds

playground

In our day in age, playgrounds are seen as places for children to experience the great outdoors, exercise, and frolic in a set of equipment in an urbanized environment. Of course, what kid doesn’t like to go on a slide, monkey bars, seesaws, swings, or the merry go round. Sometimes there may be a carousel where kids can ride on the horses as carnival music plays in the background. Now I can go on and on how so many of these playgrounds have cutesy and kid friendly imagery that makes such an outdoor wonderland all kid friendly and fun for the whole family. But of course, you wouldn’t want to see that. Instead, I’ll show you pictures of playgrounds that might traumatize your kids in years to come or may be just plain inappropriate. And I’m not going to show pictures of abandoned playgrounds which may be unsafe and unsanitary either. They’re either playground pieces designed by people on drugs, wanting to show artistic expression, or have no artistic skills to pull off any child friendly imagery. So without further adieu, here are some playground pieces that might scare off the kiddies. Also, most of these are in Russia by the way and some of these images may not be safe for work.

1. Jump over the low hanging bars with the white rhino and pig.

I'm sure if these were real, they wouldn't be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

I’m sure if these were real, they wouldn’t be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

2. Oh, look, a peasant family seems to be trying to uproot a new turnip.

I'm not sure what's going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don't want to know.

I’m not sure what’s going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don’t want to know. Still, I don’t know whether that’s really a plant or not.

3. Go ahead, climb up that friendly snake or dinosaur.

No, I don't think I'd want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

No, I don’t think I’d want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

4. Hey, kids, here is the Mirror People.

Of course, I'm sure they're not dangerous. Yet, I can't really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they'd be very great for a horror movie.

Of course, I’m sure they’re not dangerous. Yet, I can’t really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they’d be very great for a horror movie and could be aliens with ambitions for world domination for all I care.

5. You can always have great fun while playing in somebody’s chest cavity.

Now I wonder where those yellow legs came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

Now I wonder where those yellow feet came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

6. Oh, look, here’s Poseidon just arrived out of the ocean.

Now I think I've just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he's just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

Now I think I’ve just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he’s just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

7. Of course, he’s just an old harmless elf from the Keebler Tree.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he's the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don't want to go near him.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he’s the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don’t want to go near him.

8. Climb up and slide down this giant man’s legs.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn't seem to be just two. Also, he doesn't have a nice expression on his face.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn’t seem to be just two. Also, he doesn’t have a nice expression on his face.

9. Just a pig minding his own business.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he'd been holding it in all day. He didn't expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he’d been holding it in all day. He didn’t expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

10. C’mon, kids, why don’t you just roll this beam with Bearikins and his pal Satan.

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer's judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously?

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer’s judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously? He’s the Devil.

11. Hey, there’s Harry the Hedgehog with an apple.

Don't look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn't seem like he's up to any good. Also wants your soul.

Don’t look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn’t seem like he’s up to any good. Also wants your soul.

12. Now isn’t that nice? Here’s the Big Bad Wolf and Peter Cottontail playing Twister.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn't want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain't good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn’t want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain’t good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

13. “Greetings, earthlings, we come in peace.”

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I'm not sure they're harmless.

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I’m not sure they’re harmless.

14. Oh, dear, the poor dog hurt his leg.

I'm sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn't have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

I’m sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn’t have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

15. It’s fun to play on top of these, uh whatever they are.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-acpocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-apocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

16. Now this creature seems like he’s really enjoying himself.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster's mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster’s mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea of what lay before them.

17. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Joker.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

18. C’mon kiddies, we want to play with you. Don’t be scared.

I'm an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I'm sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don't come out to play.

I’m an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I’m sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don’t come out to play.

19. Come and enjoy accordion music with Crocky and his friends.

I'm sure Crocky won't harm anybody but I'm not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it.

I’m sure Crocky won’t harm anybody but I’m not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it. Now I’m not sure if I want to hear, “Crocodile Polka.”

20. Take a trip on this lovely amusement park ride with Cthulhu.

I'm sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won't do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

I’m sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won’t do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

21. Come up and play with the house monsters and have a great time.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

22. Nurse wants you to take your medicine.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor's office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor’s office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

23. The doctor will now administer your shot please.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

24. C’mon, play under the giant green octopus.

Let's hope this giant green octopus doesn't come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there's suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

Let’s hope this giant green octopus doesn’t come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there’s suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

25. Climb up and slide down this giant fly.

Now take it from someone who knows. It's a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

Now take it from someone who knows. It’s a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

26. Come up and slide on the giant lizard.

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why?

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why do this if it’s not a playground associated with reptiles?

27. Have some fun playing in a giant spider web.

Now I don't care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

Now I don’t care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

28. Come and play at the playground with the giant bugs.

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what's with the giant bugs?

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what’s with the giant bugs?

29. Now have your kids relive the Lilliputian experience with the Gulliver’s Travels playground set.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver's Travels isn't for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver’s Travels isn’t for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults and yet Gulliver’s travels on Lilliput seem to be continuously adapted in children’s media.

30. Aw, look at the cute little playground animals.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a "Carnival of Nightmares," especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a “Carnival of Nightmares,” especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue. Just because it’s in bright colors doesn’t mean it’s not scary.

31. These little black monsters just want to play with you.

Seriously, these aren't cute. They're creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

Seriously, these aren’t cute. They’re creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

32. Now every playground has to have a nice dog since everyone loves them.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn't want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you'd see from the Muppets.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn’t want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you’d see from the Muppets.

33. Oh, look here’s a centaur.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don't want to know which end is used for what. Just don't ask me.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don’t want to know which end is used for what. Just don’t ask me.

34. Look, kiddies, see the bird now go play on it.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I'm not sure if I'd call it a bird or not.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I’m not sure if I’d call it a bird or not.

35. Now let’s just frolic with this serpent thing near a manhole.

Let's just say whoever's fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

Let’s just say whoever’s fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

36. Playing on a mouse trap is so fun.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I've ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids' playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that's sick.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I’ve ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids’ playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that’s sick.

37. Climb atop on the dragon with the three colored bottles attached to him.

Sure it's a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don't know what they symbolize.

Sure it’s a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don’t know what they symbolize.

38. Now come inside a giant guy’s head to keep yourselves warm.

Now this is just messed up. I really don't understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

Now this is just messed up. I really don’t understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

39. This little boy seems to enjoy riding the shroom monster.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody  on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

40. Now here’s a nice lovely little fountain for a great aesthetic playground look.

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren't playgrounds supposed to be for children for God's sake?

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren’t playgrounds supposed to be for children for God’s sake?

41. The 3 headed green dragon really just wants to play.

Of course, I've never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

Of course, I’ve never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

42. Of course, what’s a playground without climbing rope?

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn't in Russia and that kid doesn't seem to have to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn’t in Russia and that kid doesn’t seem to want to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

43. Have a ball on the cow tongue slide.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

44. Welcome to Satan’s fun house.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner.  My mistake. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

45. Oh, look at that cute little bear cub.

Okay, now real bear cubs don't look like they're something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

Okay, now real bear cubs don’t look like they’re something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

46. Hey, at least this elephant sculpture in Russia isn’t so scary.

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that's just gross. Seriously, why?

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that’s just gross. Seriously, why?

47. Now this is nice. A bunch of rainbow colored kids with hoops. Wonder what can go wrong there.

Is it just me or do these kids look like they're peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

Is it just me or do these kids look like they’re peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

48. Now here’s one with some girl about to get devoured by a giant wicked witch.

I know King Kong isn't exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.'

I know King Kong isn’t exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.’

49. Oh, cute, a veterinarian trying to see if the wild animals are healthy. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there's always a way to expand his drug operation isn't it?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there’s always a way to expand his drug operation isn’t there?

50. Now look at this nice little equipment piece.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn't walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn’t walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

51. Now finally, a playground piece on “Little Red Riding Hood.”

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he's not even in Grandma's nightie yet. Now that's doomed to traumatized kids for years.

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he’s not even in Grandma’s nightie yet. Now that’s doomed to traumatized kids for years.

52. Okay, so there’s a statue of a bunch of kids playing. Now what can possibly go wrong with that?

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what's that in the back kid's butt? Okay, I don't want to know.

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what’s that in the back kid’s butt? Okay, I don’t want to know.

53. You don’t want to cross this 3 headed dragon.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

54. Now join Hammy the pig and ride this magical carousel.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That's just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That’s just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

55. So while you’re at the park, kiddos, don’t forget to slide down the cheese grater.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn't see where he'd land before going down the slide.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn’t see where he’d land before going down the slide.

56. Climb up and go down the slide through somebody’s giant disembodied head.

Now this is messed up. Let's just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don't mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody's ear to their neck.

Now this is messed up. Let’s just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don’t mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody’s ear to their neck.

57. Come up and play on this giant robot.

Of course, it's very angry and keeps telling itself to, "Kill the humans!" but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

Of course, it’s very angry and keeps telling itself to, “Kill the humans!” but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

58. Now let’s sit beside this nice old lady.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

59. Now, kids, you can slide down a ferocious gorilla.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong's right boob for God's sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would've been worse.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong’s right boob for God’s sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would’ve been worse.

60. Now here’s a statue of a nice little creature we may not know about.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn't seem to be quite happy.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn’t seem to be quite happy as well as has a certain blood lust for vengeance.

61. Now that’s nice a cute little sheep playground piece. What can go wrong with that?

Wait a minute, that's not a sheep. It's a mutant creature with a sheep's head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that's one of the scariest things I've ever seen.

Wait a minute, that’s not a sheep. It’s a mutant creature with a sheep’s head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

62. Now these two seem to have a very good time.

Oh, God, please don't tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can't post on this blog.

Oh, God, please don’t tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can’t post on this blog.

63. Come to the pool to swim with the wolf and the rabbit.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

64. Now climb aboard this funky bird or psychedelic cuckoo.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it's a bird that's simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it’s a bird that’s simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

65. Hey, kids, climb upon the giant crocodile.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don't think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don’t think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

66. Now here is a nice girl statue in the park.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

67. Aw, look at that little girl sitting with Cthulhu?

I'm sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus' lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

I’m sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus’ lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

68. Let’s play on this large yellow, whatever it is?

The fact this creature is eyeless with a toothy smile makes me not want to go near it. I mean, it's the stuff of nightmares.

The fact this creature is eyeless with a toothy smile makes me not want to go near it. I mean, it’s the stuff of nightmares.

69. Aw, look at that cute little sheep.

This piece of mutton may look harmless. Yet, look into its eyes and it seems to have a sinister disposition.

This piece of mutton may look harmless. Yet, look into its eyes and it seems to have a sinister disposition. I would worry about that coming to life.

70. Climb aboard and play on this large, block monster.

Now this guy reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Well, the Tin Man if he didn't have a heart and didn't want one.

Now this guy reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Well, the Tin Man if he didn’t have a heart and didn’t want one.

71. Now let’s run through the tall guy in green’s legs.

I'm sure the tall guy reminds me of the giant from "Jack in the Beanstalk" if he was a really natty dresser. Still, he may lust for the blood of an Englishman, or a Russian in that matter. Of course, he'll take what he can get.

I’m sure the tall guy reminds me of the giant from “Jack in the Beanstalk” if he was a really natty dresser. Still, he may lust for the blood of an Englishman, or a Russian in that matter. Of course, he’ll take what he can get.

72. Hey, look at that nice friendly robot.

This is actually one of the few American playground pieces on this list. Still, it doesn't seem to look very friendly or has some sneaky side. Also, its walls remind me of a prison.

This is actually one of the few American playground pieces on this list. Still, it doesn’t seem to look very friendly or has some sneaky side. Also, its walls remind me of a prison.

73. Now let’s play on this old Soviet tank. It’s fun.

Now there are some pieces that should never be recycled into playground equipment. Tanks are one of these. Still, why Russia, why?

Now there are some pieces that should never be recycled into playground equipment. Tanks are one of these. Still, why Russia, why?

74. Now there’s Count Orlok sucking his fingers.

Yes, that certainly reminds me of the vampire I've seen from the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu. At least he didn't sparkle in the sunlight unlike another vampire we're familiar with.

Yes, that certainly reminds me of the vampire I’ve seen from the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu. At least he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight unlike another vampire we’re familiar with.

75. Oh, look it’s the 3 little pigs.

Or at least the soulless recreations of them. Still, I don't mind if the Big Bad Wolf eats them for I'd fear they'd eat me.

Or at least the soulless recreations of them. Still, I don’t mind if the Big Bad Wolf eats them for I’d fear they’d eat me.

Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

Halloween-candy

Trick or treating has always been a Halloween tradition in which children would change in their costumes as well as carry their buckets to say, “Trick or Treat” to people all over the neighborhood. Of course, with me you had to get the aid of a car and/or word of some nearby town was doing it since I lived in the country. I’ve trick or treated in towns like Smithton, West Newton, and Rostraver. Yet, I also did a bit of trick or treating in college since it was the only place where I didn’t need to drive and didn’t have older people think there’s something wrong with. I mean I had to stop trick or treating after I turned 12 or 13 where I lived. Still, I enjoyed this tradition and perhaps someday I’ll take my kids trick or treating as well. Maybe I won’t dress up as a Hogwarts schoolgirl like I did in college but I definitely would take my kids out to get candy from strangers as well as make their costumes like my mom did back in the day. Of course, no matter how much I love dressing up in costumes for candy as well as candy in general (particularly chocolate), there were certain treats I didn’t really care for. Yet, I would find these every year in my bag whether I wanted to eat them or not. Nevertheless, if there’s a trick or treating event in your neighborhood this Halloween season, then perhaps I could cue you in on some of the candies the local kids won’t like. So without further adieu, here are some of the candy that will make children hate you this Halloween season. Warning: may not all necessarily be candies, just stuff people have received trick or treating.

1. Flavored Tootsie Rolls-regular Tootsie Rolls are kind of gross if you really think about it. I mean they kind of look like dog turds. Yet, to have one that’s vanilla or orange cream flavor, ugh.

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2. Smarties-these are usually the last candies left in anyone’s Halloween haul. Basically all that’s in them is sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, food coloring, and possibly chalk dust. You’re better off eating a bowl full of sugar with a spoon. Basically, these are what people buy to give to kids if they don’t want to go over their minuscule candy budget. If Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by trick or treaters, he’d give them these.

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3. Good & Plenty-even for those who like black licorice, these are never a welcome sign. Sure there are plenty of them in their 1960s era package design, but many say they are as bitter the pill medicine they’re shaped as.

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4. Candy Corn-hey, I actually kind of like this candy and I kind of feel bad putting this imitation 1880s kernel on the list. However, many tend to say this Halloween icon tastes like the wax, corn syrup, and sugar it was made from. Isn’t called “the fruitcake of Halloween” for nothing.

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5. Dots-they may look chewy but having them in your mouth will give you as much sensation as piece of sugar coated half-hardened cement.

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6. Now and Later-well, I don’t really hate them but they do have a texture of stale taffy that you wonder was ever fresh to begin with. Not to mention, I’ve eaten a few and have been surprised that I didn’t break any of my teeth afterwards. Also, check if the person giving you them is a dentist because he or she may have a hidden agenda like spending Christmas vacation to the Bahamas.

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7. Strawberry Hard Candy-these just look like easily rewrapped candy in strawberry styled plastic wrap. Yet, people like them though I didn’t. And according to Complex, “The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center.”


8. Bubblegum-if it’s Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, either it’s the remains of a surplus made 20 years ago or made from an instantly stale formula. May seem to have a flavor at first but after a few seconds, becomes a tasteless, rubbery, mass that may ruin your teeth.

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9. Wax Bottles-if you were the kid who used to pick the wax droppings from the candles and ate them, then these candies are for you. Well, the wax bottle anyway. Still, I hear the stingingly sugary sweet processed juice in them is nasty.

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10. Necco Wafers-one person from Thrillist writes, “If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.” Also, despite that they’re practically reviled as a candy for chalky texture and invariable staleness, they’re still being made and sold. It’s a great mystery to us all. And form TopTenz, “They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.”

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11. Mary Janes- this may seem like a good idea for a kid’s candy since it’s a molasses and peanut butter flavored taffy. No one will ever eat them. Of course, there are the other kind of Mary Jane candies but they’re not for kids and only legal in the state of Washington and Colorado where, “sitting around the campfire, everybody’s high,” in the words of John Denver.

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12. Fireballs-yes, they are a strong timeless candy yet, you have to suck on these for about 15 minutes or more. You can devour more candy in that time frame. Yet, as for me, I try to save it as long as possible.

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13. Almond Joy/Mounds-if the cherry fondue is the last candy in a chocolate box to be eaten, then anything with coconut is a close second.

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14. Fruit (save maybe candy apples)-basically, giving trick or treaters fruit says, “Hey, I’m a major health nut who cares more about not contributing to juvenile diabetes more than I care about Halloween tradition.” It’s even worse if they’re apples with razor blades. Hey, if you don’t want to contribute to juvenile diabetes during Halloween the least you can do is hand out pieces of paper with George Washington’s face. Even quarters are acceptable.

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15. Bit-O-Honey-from Thrillist, “I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon — we’re an evolving people.” Said to always taste stale and takes very long to eat.

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16. Fruit Snacks-may be appropriate for school lunches in elementary school but certainly not in candy bags during Halloween.

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17. Gingerbread Cookies-now I love gingerbread cookies, but they’re Christmas so it’s too freaking early. Also, those cookies might just as well be leftovers from last Christmas or earlier. Gross.

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18. Spare Change-look, I was totally cool with receiving money from adults during trick or treating and even would appreciate more so now since I’m an unemployed college graduate who lives with her parents. However, no child wants to receive chump change like nickels, dimes, and pennies. Now that’s just being cheap.

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19. Dum Dums Lollipops-I hated these as a kid and still don’t care for them now. Just these small little lollipops with a cheap taste you see at a bank that aren’t worth my time.

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20. Green Tea Kit Kats- now there are some who like green tea and Kit Kats, but not in the same candy. Of course, this is Japan, but even Japanese children wouldn’t stand for this shit. I mean who eats a green Kit Kat Bar is like saying who in their right mind would eat green eggs and ham? (No offense, Dr. Seuss.) Just don’t break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Sorry, Japan.

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21. Runts-for me, these were better suited as fake fruit for my Barbie Dolls than anything edible. As a writer from the Houston Press said, “Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive.” At least they’re said to be disappearing, thanks to the decline of coin operated candy dispensers.

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22. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups-as one writer of the Houston Press put it, “A perfect example of how the unnecessary introduction of white chocolate (which is not even chocolate, btw) ruins a perfectly respectable product.” Yeah, white chocolate and peanut butter, put it up there with the cherry fondue.

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23. Hershey’s Creme Kisses-the cherry cordial is full of what is said to taste like cough syrup while the orange crème isn’t much better. It’s like the cherry fondue in a chocolate box which is extremely nasty that people usually eat it last.

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24. Candy Buttons-these artificially colored sugar mounds on cheap paper are actually so tasteless one writer from the Houston Press noted but, “every time I eat them I feel like I’m overdosing on birth control pills.” The kiddies are better off with these containing LSD or some other kind of acid from Woodstock.

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25. Jujubes-don’t taste like the real fruits they claim to represent. Also, tend to get stuck at your teeth and perhaps dislodge any dental work.

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26. Circus Peanuts- these are said to be among the cheapest, nastiest, and old fashioned crap confections. According to someone from the Houston Press, they “taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.”

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27. Candy Cigarettes-yes, we had a lot of fun with these as kids, yet they just don’t have a good taste. Probably better off using pretzels as cigarettes instead. Heard a nearby school district passed these out, which I think is hilarious. Still, the vintage ones look even more realistic with the packaging. You know those were out just to get the kiddies hooked.

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28. Candy Necklaces- these taste like chalk and don’t go with anything you’d wear, especially if you’re a guy.

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29. Sour Candies-I have no taste for these and I’ve heard they’re even worse for your teeth than regular candy. Also, they taste really, really bad.

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30. Original Boston Baked Beans-as a writer from the Houston Press said, “Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.”

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31. Butterscotch Candies-seem just the kind of hard caramel candies you’d find in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

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32. Raisins-it’s basically dried fruit and what many people might give kids as a healthier substitute than candy. I always hate it when I bite in what I thought was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie only to discover it had raisins in it.

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33. Toothbrushes-these should only be reserved as giveaways from dental appointments not for trick or treating.

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34. Milk Duds-from E!, “’Dud’ is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.”

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35. Raisinets- doesn’t matter how much chocolate it’s covered with, it’s still a raisin. Seriously, for those who give them out to kids in order to encourage good health, this is particularly cruel.

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36. Black Licorice-gets a bad rap for a reason. Also, studies show that nobody under 80 likes these but that may have to do with the fact that they were children during the Great Depression who were just happy to get anything that’s candy. Heard it’s made out of the same material used to insulate electric cords.

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37. Whoppers-possibly among the most divisive candies of all time. Also, that chocolate shell isn’t really chocolate. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those malted milk balls.

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38. Root Beer Barrels-actually all pop flavored candy isn’t really that good, according to most people. Besides, we all know that people drink pop for the carbonation, not the fizz.

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39. Peanut Chews- from Complex, “This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.”

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40. Sixlets- basically these are M&Ms without the Ms or possibly a bootleg version. Will melt in your hand and packaging, not your mouth.

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41. Peppermint Hard Candies-basically the kind you give to someone to let them know that they’re suffering from halitosis. Also, used in waiting rooms and hotels. On Halloween, these may have been in people’s households since Christmas.

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42. Crows-basically if all the Dots gumdrops mated with the black licorice, it would result in these. Also, kind of look like small turds from a rabbit.

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43. Orange Slices-sugar coated orange candies made to seem like orange slices. Most trick or treaters aren’t that desperate for candy to eat them.

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44. Jawbreakers-basically take an hour to eat and may break your teeth. Also have a weak sugary flavor. Yet, kids will still eat them as Top Tenz says, “Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.” Not a good candy for Halloween.

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45. Razor Blades-now these are just bad and possibly illegal to hand out to kids. What a cruel trick indeed.

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46. Tootsie Rolls-according to TopTenz, “Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.” Said to taste a year old.

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47. Chocolate Coins-having chocolate coin in foil may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s something about foil wrapping this delicious food that tends to turn into a major disappointment. Not only is foil wrapped chocolate disgusting but for no obvious reason why. As Top Tenz reports, “Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.”

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48. Ring Pops-of course, they may belong in the category “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Yet, the second you start eating one, it turns into a sticky, disgusting mess. Anything you touch afterwards becomes gooey and gross and the cheap plastic scratches your fingers. Also, boys are mocked at school for wearing them perhaps as cross dressers, and it’s said that girls who really get into candy jewelry end up in the world’s oldest profession.

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49. Aero Chocolate-high concept candy never works out for anyone, especially kids.

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50. Strawberry Peanut Butter M&Ms-oh, please don’t mess with a classic, especially if it contains anything fruit flavored. Disgusting.

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51. Peanut Butter Taffy-taste nothing like peanut butter and offer a terrible Halloween experience for kids. Someone at Nooga.com writes, “Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these, and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter.”

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52. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms-let’s see, basically these are jammed pack with artificial ingredients and deprived of nutritious content. Also, these probably taste as bad as you would expect. Oh, why Mars Corporation? Regular M&Ms would do just fine.

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53. Marshmallow Peeps-these are for Easter so either use them for your peep dioramas or don’t buy them at all for Halloween.

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54. Jelly Beans-unless, they’re from Bertie Botts, these aren’t appropriate for the Halloween season. And even then, the kids may not want to eat them.

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55. Horehound-basically it’s a medicinal herb disguised as candy and mostly reserved for senior citizens with diabetes. Kids are better off getting cough drops. Also, it has a name of what you’d call a female dog that was humped by all the male dogs in the neighborhood.

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56. Carrots-they’re food you eat for meals like lunch and dinner as well as an occasional healthy snack or at a party. Halloween isn’t the time for healthy alternatives.

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57. Diet Candy Bars-oh, please, these are for self-conscious adults who want to lose weight but not for kids who just want candy and don’t care about their weight and health, yet.

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58. Religious Pamplets- look, unless it’s from the kid’s religious class (or parochial school and/or local religious establishment like a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, coven, shrine, or cult commune), their presence isn’t welcomed in any private residence and are guaranteed to offend possibly non-religious parents (or parents belonging to a different religious tradition). I hear Chick Tracts are fairly famous ones which would be seen as offensive to almost every group of people out there other than perhaps conservative Fundamentalist Christians in the American South. Seriously, Halloween isn’t the time to proselytize the good news, especially to children. Still, these are worse than toothbrushes.

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59. Hershey’s Candy Corn Crème Bars- yes, they exist and they resemble a yellow and orange bar of soap. It’s pretty disgusting.

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60. Candy Canes-now why give out a candy on Halloween you use to decorate your Christmas Tree? Besides, it’s too early.

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61. McDonald’s/Burger King Gift Certificates-yes, we’ve all got them and most of the time our parents tried using them after they were expired. You’re better off getting gift certificates from your local pizza place.

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62. Thrills Soap Gum-from iVillage.ca, “Where did this stuff go when Halloween was over? Purple and soap-flavored, it was ALWAYS the last thing in your bag. But then one day in late November, you’d rifle through your old stash with a massive sugar craving, and that’s all that would be left. And you’d think…aw, heck, might as well chew it…..”

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63. Pumpkin Peeps-for those who couldn’t resist the inedible marshmallow Easter icons, here’s the perfect Halloween treat for you. These are only for the peep diorama types, not for kids.

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64. Ribbon Candy-from Mommyish, “This makes my skin crawl, as it brings back memories of the sharp ends of it slicing through my tongue. This stuff is actually a weapon. Maybe you should keep some in your purse.”

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65. Business Swag-using Halloween as a way to promote your business platform. Explain to me how that’s going to make a kid happy. It isn’t.

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66. Loose Peanuts-well, they may seem like healthy alternative, but are more suited for football games and aren’t likely to be enjoyed when not in a can. This is especially true if these legumes are found in their shells.

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67. Sweet Tarts Squeeze-what the hell is this candy? Also, really gross for a night devoted to eating tons of sugar.

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68. Old and Decrepit Toys-from Babble, “There are two families in my neighborhood (who perhaps know each other and copied the other’s trick-or-treat style) that collect old and dirty toys and tell innocent children to stick a hand inside a bag and pull out a rusted car or doll with a broken head while explaining to the parents that they are good toys but since they have no room for them, they hand out for Halloween.”

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69. Mystery Candy-face it, kids won’t eat any candy they can’t identify or recognize.

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70. Baby Ruth Bars-just have too many peanuts and not enough chocolate.

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71. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars-from Chicago Now, “Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?”

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72. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses-let’s face it, while the pumpkin spice latte may be popular, this doesn’t mean you put pumpkin spice in everything. According to a writer from Chicago Now, “I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.”

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73. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies- according to a writer from Chicago Now, “In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea?”

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74. Political Ads-second to unwelcome stuff you can put in a kid’s trick or treat bag are these, especially if you’re a political candidate. Save the ads for Election Day if you want to give them out.

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75. Anything Tampered-now receiving a treat that may have some tampering on it, well, if you give anything containing razor blades or poison, then you can expect a lawsuit from the parents or jail. You’d be surprised how often this happens and sometimes it makes the news. So don’t be that guy. Also, goes the same for candy laced with illegal drugs or any substance that’s illegal for people under 21.

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76. Pop-now giving out candy is one thing, but giving out carbonated beverages, well, they’re even less healthy than the standard Halloween fare. And I have received this on Halloween.

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77. Eggs-let’s see, they aren’t candy and can easily break. Best served to be thrown by teenagers.

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78. Rocks-no child wants a Halloween trick or treat bag like Charlie Brown’s and even he’s miserable getting them.

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79. Poop-this one speaks for itself whether it be from you or your dog. Now that’s just worse than rocks.

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80. Nothing-from 2Shopper, “At least when you have bad Halloween candy, you’ve still earned some reward. When you receive nothing for painting your face and looking ridiculous out in public, you might as well join the kid who got a rock for Halloween.” Yes, giving nothing might lead to these same crying little kids throw rocks at your house later. I mean c’mon, it would be nicer if you gave out stuff like crunchy frogs, ram’s bladder cups, cockroach clusters, or spring surprise.

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The Wonderful World of Halloween Pumpkin Carving

Jack-o-lantern

Carving pumpkins has always been a Halloween traditions since the legend of the Jack-o’-lantern. People tend to open a pumpkin, empty out all the seeds and entrails, carve a face, and put a light in it to for the outside. Of course, there are people who engage themselves in this Halloween tradition and some who don’t. Still, many people do carve some amazing pumpkins for this Halloween season. I can go on with how amazing some of these carvings are but you probably don’t want to hear that. Instead I’ll do a post on pumpkin carvings that are either not family friendly and/or doomed to offend your neighbors or drive trick or treaters away. Nevertheless, Halloween is one of those holidays where you could get away with being tacky or creepy so this was a hard post and some images may be not safe for work. Viewer discretion is advised. So without further adieu and your viewing pleasure, here’s an assortment of Halloween pumpkins you don’t want to see on your block. 1. Guess, pumpkins need a way to cope when nature calls.

I'm sure a display saying "2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup" won't go well with guests. Also, it's pretty disgusting on what's implied to be in the cup.

I’m sure a display saying “2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup” won’t go well with guests. Also, it’s pretty disgusting on what’s implied to be in the cup. This just takes bathroom humor a little too far.

2. Now this jack-o’-lantern seems to be too jackshit crazy over burning his own kind.

Okay, that's a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

Okay, that’s a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

3. Now I’m sure the kiddies will appreciate this reenactment of the Death Star blowing up Alderaan.

Now this isn't a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn't where kids could walk through.

Now this isn’t a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn’t where kids could walk through.

4. Pumpkin in a plastic bag, what can go wrong here?

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o'-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it's pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o’-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it’s pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

5. Looks like someone is taking pleasure in his meal.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won't go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won’t go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

6. Behold, the jack-o’-centipede.

For those who've seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I'm sure you'd probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it's disturbing.

For those who’ve seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I’m sure you’d probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

7. Of course, some pumpkins still need to do the time.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can't even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can’t even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

8. I’m sure Jack must’ve done something terribly wrong to get the chair.

Seriously, the death penalty isn't really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

Seriously, the death penalty isn’t really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. Now here’s a good idea on what to do when you have an old aquarium you haven’t used since your pet turtle died.

However, just don't create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn't something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

However, just don’t create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn’t something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

10. Behold, a Halloween pumpkin tribute to the Alien movies.

Actually, I'm 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display.

Actually, I’m 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display. Guaranteed to traumatize the kiddies for sure.

11. Congratulations, it’s quintuplets. and a bunch of red pumpkins.

Let's just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature's bounty in a cornucopia don't go together.

Let’s just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature’s bounty in a cornucopia don’t go together. Nice to make those gourds look like boobs though.

12. I didn’t say “Let’s play doctor.” I said, “Let’s play Medieval doctor.”

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters.

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters. Besides, that pumpkin with a saw needs to be put to jail.

13. Oh, no, it’s the claw.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don't think the big pumpkin's intentions are good.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don’t think the big pumpkin’s intentions are good.

14. Hmmm…pumpkin brain surgery, now I’ve seen everything.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

15. Use your pumpkin to store your beer for this year’s Oktoberfest by attaching a tap on it.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don't attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don’t attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

16. Oh, look a man and a oh, my God!

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won't attract trick or treaters.

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won’t attract trick or treaters. WTF is right. Not cool.

17. Oh, look a princess pumpkin carving. Wait a minute, this is a reenactment of Carrie!

Now perhaps we shouldn't carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it's not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

Now perhaps we shouldn’t carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it’s not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

18, Looks like this pumpkin seems to take advice from the Tim Taylor School of Technology.

I don't think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick wit the shark.

I don’t think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick with the shark.

19. Now this pumpkin macdaddy sure is stylin’ with his foil grill and sunglasses.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

20. Now this will be a perfect pumpkin for my sex dungeon.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

21. Oh, no, the jack-o’-lantern just blew his brains out!

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all.

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all, especially suicide.

22. Looks like this pumpkin baby needs a diaper change.

I'm sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn't be used in decoration.

I’m sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn’t be used in decoration.

23. Now here’s a flasher pumpkin with a gourd genitalia.

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

24. Okay, keep your hands off your pumpkin butt.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

25. Now there’s nothing like a hanging in a cemetery scene.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

26. Now here’s a pumpkin design taken straight from a truck’s sleazy mudflaps.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, "Hi, I'm a single man and I'm a male chauvinist pig." I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it's pretty much the stereotype.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, “Hi, I’m a single man and I’m a male chauvinist pig.” I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it’s pretty much the stereotype.

27. Now here’s a pumpkin of how babies are made.

Now I've seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I'm sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I’m sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

28. Of course, there will certainly be a full moon tonight.

I've seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, the crack-ho’-lantern.

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn't exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped.  Seriously, why?

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn’t exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped. Seriously, why?

30. Now here’s a pumpkin on how babies are made.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor's office than anything else.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor’s office than anything else.

31. Nothing indicates a stoner residence like a carved pumpkin of a marijuana leaf.

Now I'm sure police wouldn't want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and Washington.

Now I’m sure police wouldn’t want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and the state of Washington. Still, Willie Nelson would be proud.

32. Great, now these pumpkins are devouring people!

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

33. Well, maybe the pumpkin ate your baby.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that's just too disturbing to put in one's yard.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that’s just too disturbing to put in one’s yard.

34. Behold, the Hannibal-Lect-o’-lantern.

Now I'm sure using Silence of the Lambs isn't an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, "I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans." Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

Now I’m sure using Silence of the Lambs isn’t an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, “I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans.” Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

35. The Jack-o’-Lantern goes to the doctors.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don't take any children. Also, I'm not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don’t take any children. Also, I’m not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

36. Use your pumpkin to store your nice cold beer for football season.

Now I'm sure this isn't the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

37. Oh, no, some pumpkin is wearing a thong!

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

38. Yikes! someone has pulled a grenade!

Now I'm sure a pumpkin grenade isn't dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I'm sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

Now I’m sure a pumpkin grenade isn’t dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I’m sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

39. Pedobear says there’s free candy.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles as well as child sexualization like kiddie pageants and not as a mascot for pedophilia. However, this doesn't stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they're with their parents.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles and not as a mascot for pedophilia. Whenever, he’s on a picture it means, “you’re being creepy about a kid” and has been used to track down real pedophiles by authorities and Chris Hansen. However, this doesn’t stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they’re with their parents.

40. Come to this house and see nude girls now.

Now this gives "trick or treat" an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence.  Seriously, why?

Now this gives “trick or treat” an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence. No one in their right mind would want this on their doorstep. Seriously, why?

41. Here the pumpkin chef reads a recipe while relieving himself.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I'm going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I’m going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

42. For those in the family way, why not break the news with a pumpkin display like this?

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let's just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let’s just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

43. For those welcoming their bundle of joy on this Halloween, here’s a little pumpkin to  commemorate the occasion.

I've seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it's hard to believe unless you've seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it’s hard to believe unless you’ve seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

44. When you get Ablolut Vodka, you get absolutely buzzed.

Can't believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it's bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

Can’t believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it’s bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

45. Never put  a jack-o’-lantern in your yard for you’d never know when they’ll attack.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let's just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let’s just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

46. And now, kids, this is how pumpkin pie is made.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they'll think it's pumpkin shit.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they’ll think it’s pumpkin shit.

47. Sometimes pumpkins need to pay for college somehow.

 A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I've seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, "Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?" I don't think they want to answer that.

A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I’ve seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, “Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?” I don’t think they want to answer that.

48. Guess this pumpkin couldn’t stand this cruel world any longer.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

49. Have the time of your reich, I mean life with this pumpkin tribute of Dirty Dancing.

What it's supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

What it’s supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

50. Looks like this pumpkin had a bit too much to drink.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it's not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it’s not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

Aztec Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

Mexicos eagle

Since October is National Hispanic Heritage Month,I couldn’t think of a better mythological tradition to commemorate in October than the Aztecs. Of course, the Aztecs we know actually consisted of a bunch of ethnic groups that dominated much of Mesoamerica who spoke the Nahuatl language that dominated large parts of Mexico and Central America between the 14th to 16th centuries. Still, while you may wonder why I may discuss Aztec mythology for October to commemorate National Hispanic Heritage Month while there are a lot of Hispanics who aren’t Mexican, I list my reasons here:

1. A lot of Aztec culture was adopted by a lot of from the surrounding civilizations or descended from older ones like the Toltec. In other words, they adopted and combined several traditions with their own earlier ones, which explains why they have several creation myths. And many of while many of the deities I list in this post may have been gods worshiped in other Pre-Columbian civilizations like Quetzalcoatl, we know most of them by their Aztec names.

2. While the Aztecs obviously don’t have the only mythological tradition, their mythology is better known to us than that of any civilization in Pre-Columbian (even the Mayas). This is because the Aztecs were a dominant power in the Americas until the arrival of Hernando Cortez, had a written language, and an educated populace (they were the most literate civilization in Pre-Columbian America at the time due to having a compulsory education system), and had a mythological tradition most people would’ve remembered to write down.By contrast, there’s not so much we know about Mayan and Incan mythology.

Still, Aztec mythology can be rather confusing.The Aztecs had over 100 specific deities and supernatural creatures in their myths. And like the Egyptian gods, many of them tend to have different names as well as different incarnations (either as humanoid, beast, or somewhere in between). It also doesn’t help that Aztec mythology is not known for its consistency and many of them have a lot of different origin stories. Not only that, but many tend to have names which are very hard to pronounce or spell. Still, the Aztecs really didn’t consider their deities as “gods” in the European sense since their their word for one was “teotl” which indicated a force of nature that didn’t necessarily have an Anthropomorphic Personification. And then you have the whole human sacrifice thing the Aztecs were notorious, which they practiced with creativity previously unseen by humanity (mostly to stave off a possible cosmic apocalypse), as well as their deities possessing a notion of duality with their gods being both good and evil. Still, human sacrifice victims were treated similar to Hunger Games contestants than anything, though they were mostly exempted from a fight to the death and guaranteed a place in heavenly paradise. Some would even be seen as representatives to the gods. There are also deities who tend to be the gods of the same thing and its very unclear on who’s in charge of this pantheon. Many of them could die and be reborn many times. Not to mention, their ideas on good and evil were pretty strange. For instance, your afterlife wasn’t based on how you lived, but how you died (and even if you didn’t get into Aztec heaven, the alternatives weren’t exactly hellish). Oh, and for a culture that practiced a lot of human sacrifice and war, every Aztec child was subject to compulsory education while their treatment of slaves was said to be amazing (and more like indentured servitude). So without further adieu, here are some of the major gods you’d find in the Aztec pantheon (or at least the major ones I could find pictures for).

1. Quetzalcoatl

Quetzalcoatl is perhaps one of the nicer gods of the pantheon who didn't demand a lot of sacrifices as well as the one most of us know. He's known as a creator and friend to humanity as well as associated with death and resurrection. Still, despite his parallels with Jesus, he is no saint.

Quetzalcoatl is perhaps one of the nicer gods of the pantheon who didn’t demand a lot of sacrifices as well as the one most of us know. He’s known as a creator and friend to humanity as well as associated with death and resurrection. Still, despite his parallels with Jesus, he is no saint.

AKA: “The Feathered Serpent” and “Precious Twin”

Origin: If we go by the iconography, he’s one of the oldest gods in the pantheon with a strong Mesoamerican presence. Though he may be referred by a different name in other civilizations, his feathered serpent image has been depicted in Mesoamerican art and religion at least since 900 BCE starting with the Olmec in La Venta (or as it’s popularly believed). Still, his first documented was in the first century BCE or CE in Teotihuacan which was in the Late Preclassic or Early Classic period.

Domain: God of wisdom, life, knowledge, crafts, arts, morning star, fertility, patron of the winds, dawn and the light, and lord of the West. Patron of the Aztec priesthood, merchants, and learning. Said to be a creator deity having contributed essentially to the creation of Mankind and gave them maize. Also said to invent books and the calendar as well as taught humans crafts, farming, medicine, and astronomy. Sometimes seen as a symbol of death and the resurrection. Of course, this doesn’t stop some Mormons from believing that he’s Jesus Christ (well, they’re both said to be born by a virgin in some stories). Was once said to be the mythical king of Tula (or Teotihuacan) in human form.

Pro: Well, he’s just about the only god who either opposed human sacrifice or didn’t require it (again owing to the inconsistencies). Said to create a fifth world by journeying to the Aztec underworld Mictlán, stealing the bones of the previous races from under Mictlanteuctli’s and grinding them to mix with corn (with the help of Cihuacoatl), and using his own blood from the wounds he inflicted on his ear lobes, calves, tongue, and penis it imbue the bones with new life. Said to be able to fly, very smart, and a rather tough fighter. Not to mention, he’s the Aztec god who’s the most familiar to us and whose name isn’t a nightmare to spell. Also, unlike a lot of gods in mythology, he’s able to keep it in his pants (unlike Zeus) at least when he’s sober (though he’s sometimes said to sire royal lineages or married to Ītzpāpālōtl). Still, he’s considered one of the nicest gods in the pantheon (though that’s not saying much yet the Spanish did depict him as a benevolent figure, but this was out of ignorance though). Said to be a wise and peaceful ruler of Tula who ushered in a golden age.

Con: Spends a lot of time in the mythos fighting his brother Tezcatlipoca (though neither of them were said to be explicitly good or evil or necessarily “better,” they just really hate each other and only teamed up to slay Cipatli. Still, their rivalry caused them to destroy each other’s worlds they ruled and created). Oh, and as king of Tula, he was such a hit there that none of the other gods were receiving tribute. This led to Tezcatlipoca coming to earth, worming his way through his brother’s court and getting him rip-roaringly drunk that he ended up sleeping with his sister Quetzalpetlatl (or a priestess in some stories). Ashamed, he went into self-imposed exile, burned himself to death on a funeral pyre, came back to life, and sailed to the east on a snake raft, promising to return (but probably not as Cortes, since that is more likely Spanish propaganda). He’s also capable of jealousy (I mean he and Tezcatlipoca basically overthrew Chalchiuhtlicue and ended the fourth world in a massive flood just out of envy). Also, introduced humans to alcohol and is associated with ceremonial drunkedness. Not to mention, it’s said that Tezcatlipoca has to keep him from returning to full power or everything would be destroyed. So to say that Quetzalcoatl is the Aztec equivalent to Jesus is quite of a stretch.

Symbols and Motifs: Commonly depicted as a gigantic, coiling, feathered serpent or dragon (but many artists put wings on him which he doesn’t have in Pre-Columbian iconography though legend say he’s capable of flight). His symbols are resplendent quetzels, rattlesnakes (coatl means snake in Nahuatl), crows, and macaws. In his form as the morning star (Venus), he’s depicted as a harpy eagle. As Ehecatl, he’s the wind and is represented by spider monkeys, ducks, and the wind itself. In human form, he’s seen as an old man (explaining why he’s seen as light skinned with light hair). His insignia is a beak like mask.

City: Cholula where the world’s largest pyramid was dedicated to his worship. You could also say his other notable cities were Tula, Chichen Itza, Xochicalco, and Teotihuacan.

Offerings: He usually is perfectly fine without a human sacrifice (or outright condemn it. Still, his reasons are understandable. After all, he’s said to create humanity). He was usually offered birds, snakes, and butterflies as well other animals.

2. Tezcatlipoca

Tezcatlipoca was Quetzalcoatl's rival and archenemy as well as a trickster deity and the closest thing to an Aztec Loki. Still, on his festival a young man would be chosen in his likeness and would live the life of Riley for a year before he'd sacrificed to this deity.

Tezcatlipoca was Quetzalcoatl’s rival and archenemy as well as a trickster deity and the closest thing to an Aztec Loki. Still, on his festival a young man would be chosen in his likeness and would live the life of Riley for a year before he’d sacrificed to this deity.

AKA: “Smoking Mirror,” “The Mocker,” “Enemy of Both Sides,” “Lord of the Near and the Nigh,” “The Young Man,” “Mountainheart,” “Night, Wind,” “We are his Slaves,” “Possessor of the Sky and Earth,” “Two Reed,” and “He by whom we live”

Origin: If we go by the iconography, his figure worship may date back to as early as the Olmec or Maya. If not, then Toltec.

Domain: God of providence, magic, matter and the invisible, ruler of the night, Great Bear, impalpable, ubiquity and the twilight, and the lord of the North. God of rulers, sorcerers, slaves, nobles, and warriors as well as death, discord, temptation, and change. Associated with night sky, mischief, malice, the night winds, hurricanes, the earth, obsidian, enmity, rulership, divination, jaguars, beauty, war, and strife.He’s basically a trickster deity as well as the closest thing the Aztecs had to Loki with all its implications. Said he could be invisible, omnipresent, and could see everything. Is very much one magnificent bastard. Had 4 wives.

Pro: He’s a badass and lost a right leg battling the Cipatli with Quetzalcoatl as well as won seemingly unwinnable battles in Tula. Also, since he’s the god of slaves, he’s very nice to work for and willing to punish those who mistreated theirs. He’s also easily appeasable and generous. Not to mention, he’s said to be rather good looking and one of the more powerful gods in the pantheon. Charged with keeping Quetzalcoatl from returning to full power.

Con: He’s an eternal enemy and rival of his brother Quetzalcoatl (or alter-ego if you want to think that). Basically when upset that no offerings were made to him while his brother was king of Tula that he infiltrated his court and managed to make the Feathered Serpent so drunk that he banged their sister (or priestess) and had him basically burn himself and heading to the east. Still, he’s a smooth manipulative bastard and philandering cad. Not to mention, running off with Thaloc’s first wife Xochiquetzal (which may have been against her will) resulting in the third world’s drought and destruction through fire. Not to mention, suffers from epic mood swings and always looking for a reason to cause trouble.

Symbols and Motifs: Often depicted as a jaguar or a young man. His symbol was a disk worn as a chest pectoral though he’s associated with smoke, mirrors, and obsidian. As a human, he’s usually portrayed with a black and yellow stripe on his face and a right foot missing (though what it’s replaced with depends on the story). May sometimes have a smoking mirror on his chest or carry smoking knife. Associated with the color black.

City: His festival was the Toxcatl which took place in May. His main temple was located in Tenochtitlan. Also worshiped in Texcoco, Tlaxcala, and Chalco.

Offerings: It was Aztec tradition for the new king to stand naked in front of his likeness while emphasizing his utter unworthiness. He’d also fast for this god as well. At his temples copal incense was burned 4 times a day. Still, during Toxcatl, the Aztec priests would choose a young man to impersonate the god and he would spend a year living like a deity, wearing jewelry, partying, marrying 4 women, and being waited on by 8 attendants. Yet, when his time was up the young man would be sacrificed at Tezcatlipoca’s temple and the priests would eat his body later. The 4 ladies would be sacrificed, too. Then a new candidate would be chosen for the following year.

3.Tlaloc

Thaloc may be one of the more unpleasant gods in the Aztec pantheon yet since he's the rain god, he's one of the more essential. Still, his abode in the heavens is said to be an earthly paradise.

Thaloc may be one of the more unpleasant gods in the Aztec pantheon yet since he’s the rain god, he’s one of the more essential. Still, his abode in the heavens is said to be an earthly paradise. Nevertheless, he’s not the best looking despite having 2 gorgeous wives.

AKA: “He who is the embodiment of Earth,” “Giver,” and “Green One”

Origin: His cult is one of the oldest and most universal in Mexico. Was likely adopted by the Aztecs from the Mayan god Chaac which they may have got from Teotihuacan. Was worshiped in Mesoamerican at least 800 years before the Aztecs.

Domain: God of rain, fertility, and lightning. Lord of water. Associated with storms and mountaintops. Also said to be the lord of the heavens which was a place for for those who died violently from phenomena associated with water, such as by lightning, drowning, and water-borne diseases. Not to mention, his place also took child sacrifice victims and those who died from leprosy, venereal disease, sores, dropsy, scabies, and gout.

Pro: Seen as a beneficial god who gave life and sustenance. Also his name isn’t a spelling nightmare. Not to mention, his home is known as a place of eternal springtime and plenty. Seemed to love his wives (despite one leaving him for Tezcatlipoca, which he handled badly but you could understand why he didn’t try to get her back).

Con: He was feared since he could send hail, thunder, and lightning. Also denied water to humanity that when Quetzalcoatl asked him to make it rain, he made it rain fire destroying the third world. Required child sacrifices and it didn’t help that he was an essential god to the Aztecs. Not to mention, adult sacrifices offered to him were flayed alive.

Symbols and Motifs: His planet form is Venus while his animal forms are herons, amphibians, snails, and possibly sea creatures. Associated with turquoise, jade, green, and blue. Usually depicted with goggle eyes, a cleft lip, and jaguar fangs (though he’s said to have 2 hot wives).

City: Mount Tlaloc was his most important shrine and had 2 shrines at Tenochtitlan and possibly the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacán. Shared the Great Temple with Huitzilopochtli. His festivals were  Atlcahualo in Februrary, Tozoztontli in March and April, and Atemoztli in December.

Offerings: He was offered human hearts from a bowl. Sacrifice victims were buried in blue paint and with seeds. Received offerings of jade, shells, vegetables, and sand. Still, he’s best known for requiring children sacrificed to him from mountain tops and they had to die crying. 7 kiddies would be sacrificed to him in and around Lake Texcoco. Also adult victims offered to him were flayed alive or drowned and their skins worn by the priests.

4.Tonatiuh

Though Tonatiuh is said to be a rather benevolent god who provides people warmth and nourishment through his rays, he demands a lot of sacrifices. Still, he did get the job rather fairly.

Though Tonatiuh is said to be a rather benevolent god who provides people warmth and nourishment through his rays, he demands a lot of sacrifices. Still, he did get the job rather fairly before letting it all go to his head.

AKA: “Movement of the Sun”

Origin: Well, he was a sun god who may have came from the Mayas (with the similar calendar design) since there’s a myth of Huitzilopochtli being the fifth sun as well, and he comes from the Mexica and Aztecs themselves.

Domain: God of the sun and leader of Tollan and heaven. Patron of jaguar and eagle warriors.

Pro: Well, he’s the fifth guy to be the sun after Tezcatlipoca, Quetzalcoatl, Thaloc, and Chalchiuhtlicue (well, in some versions at least). Oh, and when he applied for a job, he was a poor, crippled god Nanahuatzin but beat favorite Tecciztecatl for the post through courage, selflessness, and luck. Also said to bring warmth and nourishment to the Aztec people through his cosmic rays.

Con: Since becoming the sun, he demands a huge amount of sacrifices as tribute (though he did sacrifice himself to become the fifth sun). If he doesn’t get them, then he’d refuse to move through the sky unless the gods give themselves up to him. Also, turned the dawn god Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli just for insulting him (then again the dawn god isn’t very nice but still).

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a sun disk or the center of the Aztec calendar.

City: Tenochtitlan.

Offerings: Requires a lot of human sacrifices each morning to revitalize but apparently may not be as much as Huitzilopochtli.

5. Xochiquetzal

Xochiquetzal was an Aztec goddess of love and perhaps one of the best looking gods in the pantheon. Still, though one of the nicer deities to humans, she's as forgiving as long as the Aztecs would sacrifice at least one virgin to her every 8 years.

Xochiquetzal was an Aztec goddess of love and perhaps one of the best looking gods in the pantheon. Still, though one of the nicer deities to humans, she’s as forgiving as long as the Aztecs would sacrifice at least one virgin to her every 8 years.

AKA: “Flower Quetzel,” “Maiden,” and “Precious Feather”

Origin: Well, she may have origins in Teotihuacan or be the Virgin of Ocotlan as well as Maya Goddess I, but the jury’s still out.

Domain: Goddess of flowers, dancing, fertility, female sexuality, love, and beauty. Protector of young mothers and patroness to pregnancy, childbirth, prostitutes, and women’s crafts like weaving and embroidery. Associated with creators of luxury items, painters, and sculptors. Representative of human desire, pleasure, vegetation, and excess. Twin sister of Xochipilli and first wife of Tlaloc.

Pro: Well, unlike many of the gods in this pantheon, she’s actually quite nice to look at according to humans and the gods themselves. Also said to be a rather forgiving goddess for human crimes despite demanding virgin sacrifices.

Con: She was Thaloc’s first wife and he took their break up hard when Tezcatlipoca snatched her up and forced her to marry him (then again, she’s been linked to other gods as well as one of the goddesses said to be Quetzalcoatl’s mom). Also said to seduce a priest and turn him into a scorpion. Still, she’s said to have a reputation as having many husbands and lovers (including her brother).

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as an alluring and youthful woman. Her symbols are flowers, particularly marigolds. Sacred animals are birds and butterflies.

City: Tenochtitlan. Had a festival held in her honor every 8 years called Atamalqualiztli where worshipers wore animal masks in her honor. There was also Tepeílhuitl and Xochíhuitl.

Offerings: Had a virgin sacrificed to her every 8 years in which she was flayed alive with her skin being put on a loom before being worn. Worshipers would then engage in a ritual bloodletting and bath.

6. Xochipilli

Xochipilli is Xochiquetzal and one of the more friendly gods in the Aztec pantheon in that he's somewhat of a hippie. Still, it's kind of a relief to people in the 21st century that he's the god of gays though he's married and would do it with anyone.

Xochipilli is Xochiquetzal and one of the more friendly gods in the Aztec pantheon in that he’s somewhat of a hippie. Still, it’s kind of a relief to people in the 21st century that he’s the god of gays though he’s married and would do it with anyone.

AKA: “Flower Prince,” “Five-Flower,” and “Flower Child”

Origin: His worship at least dates to the Pre-Classic Teotihuacán or the Toltecs.

Domain: God of art, games, beauty, dance, flowers, song, feasting, creativity, soul, love, fertility, and homosexuality. Patron of gay men and male prostitutes as well as painting and writing. Twin brother (or husband) of Xochiquetzal. Associated with butterflies, excess, and poetry.

Pro: Well, being the god of gays sort of reveals that Aztec society was a rather LGBT friendly one as far as I could tell. Still, he’s said to be the closest thing in the Aztec pantheon to a hippie (which means he doesn’t demand a lot of human sacrifices). Said to turn dead warriors into hummingbirds.

Con: Despite being the god of homosexuality, he’s said to actually be bi in the mythos and married to a human girl Mayahuel (who’s said to be the goddess of booze though) and is sometimes said to be romantically linked to his sister Xochiquetzel. Also associated with tobacco and psychoactive drugs. Nevertheless, he’s reputed to be a hedonist with a playful mischievous streak.

Symbols and Motifs: Hallucinogenic plants are said to be sacred to him as well as mushrooms. Usually depicted as a youthful man though rather skinless. Other symbols are flowers and tobacco.

City: Xochimilco.

Offerings: His offerings usually tend to be hallucinogenic plants, mushrooms, and flowers as well as butterflies and animal skins.

7. Huehuecoyotl

Huehuecoyotl was one of the more popular gods of the Aztec pantheon and its resident trickster deity. Still, whether he helps humanity or causes genocide usually depends on his mood. He'd also hump anything.

Huehuecoyotl was one of the more popular gods of the Aztec pantheon and its resident trickster deity. Still, whether he helps humanity or causes genocide usually depends on his mood. He’d also hump anything.

AKA: “Old Man Coyote”

Origin: We’re not sure where the Aztecs got this god from. Then again, they were said to be from Arizona where their Indians did have a coyote trickster deity.

Domain: God of dance, song, trickery, music, old age, mischief, and male sexuality. Associated with indulgence, good luck, balance, and storytelling.He’s also a trickster deity who can change gender and go both ways. As a shapeshifter, he takes any form he wants.

Pro: Well, he’s said to be rather family friendly and laid back as well as very wise. Also rather protective and beneficial mortals when other gods try to harm them as well as even interact with them directly more than Quetzalcoatl. He was one of the more popular gods in the pantheon. Was the only friend to Xolotl (in some sources).

Con: Whether he helps or harms humans usually depends on his mood. He’s also an amoral and sadistic god who was famous for causing genocide on a whim or provoke human wars for fun. Also has many of his pranks blow up in his face if they’re against other gods. Not to mention, he has the biggest sexual appetite in the pantheon and would hump anything.

Symbols and Motifs: Often depicted as an anthropomorphic coyote sometimes with black and yellow feathers. The coyote is his animal and is often seen followed by a human drummer as his attendant.

City: None but he was seen as rather an accessible god to the Aztecs though, explaining why he was so popular.

Offerings: If he needs a human sacrificed, he just starts a war.

8. Chalchiuhtlicue

Chalchiuhtlicue is the goddess of water who was dedicated at weddings and the births of children. Yet, she also caused a flood lasting for 52 years and is married to Tlaloc who has kiddies sacrificed to him.

Chalchiuhtlicue is the goddess of water who was dedicated at weddings and the births of children. Yet, she also caused a flood lasting for 52 years and is married to Tlaloc who has kiddies sacrificed to him.

AKA: “She of the Jade Skirt,” “Sad Waters,” “Woman Who Makes the Waves Swell,” “To and Fro,” “Woman Who Lives in the Sea,” “Sea Storm,” “She Who Dwells on the Back of the Tortoise,” and “She Who Shines in the Waters”

Origin: May have been a derivative from the Early Classic Teotihuacan with the Pyramid of the Moon supposedly dedicated to her. Domain: Goddess of love, beauty, fertility, youth, lakes, rivers, seas, streams, oceans, storms, and baptism. Patroness of childbirth, marriage, and water as well as protector of children and fishermen. Consort (and sometimes sister) of Tlaloc (or Xiuhtecuhtli) and co-ruler of the heavenly Tlalocan and mother of moon god Tecciztecatl.

Pro: Well, she was a better wife to Tlaloc and a protector of women and kids. Oh, and she only staged a flood to purify humanity but built a bridge linking heaven and earth for those in her good graces and turned the other residents into fish so they wouldn’t drown. And she’s quite nice to look at.

Con: You wouldn’t want to hear her name at a spelling bee. Caused a giant flood that lasted for 52 years which destroyed the fourth world. Also, don’t expect her to protect any kiddies sacrificed to her husband Tlaloc.

Symbols and Motifs: To her people, she’s seen as a river but usually depicted as a beautiful woman in a blue green skirt carrying a cross. Associated with serpents, maize, jade, shells, birds, jaguars, and green.

City: Possibly the Pyramid of the Moon in Teotihuacán. Still, there were about five annual Aztec celebrations dedicated to her and her husband like Atlcahualo in February.

Offerings: Her sacrificial victims were drowned yet they were mostly adults and only in June. Still, offerings consisted of birds, cougars, wolves, jaguars, and snakes.

9. Mictlantecuhtli

Mictlantecuhtli is the god of the dead and Lord of Mictlan (the deepest place in the Aztec underworld which takes 4 years to get to). Though not necessarily evil, he's not particularly nice and actually tried to stop Quetzalcoatl from creating humanity. Also is as creepy as hell.

Mictlantecuhtli is the god of the dead and Lord of Mictlan (the deepest place in the Aztec underworld which takes 4 years to get to). Though not necessarily evil, he’s not particularly nice and actually tried to stop Quetzalcoatl from creating humanity. Also is as creepy as hell but well suited for Halloween parties.

AKA: “Lord of Mictlan” Origin: Well, if we go by iconography, he was adopted by the Aztecs from other Mesoamerican civilizations such as the Maya and Zapotec.

Domain: God of the dead and lord of Mictlan, the Aztec Underworld.

Pro: Like a lot of death deities, he’s not technically evil and Mictlan isn’t really a bad place to be in (though not ideal and took 4 years to get there through a grueling and perilous journey). It’s said he could also grant life as well.

Con: Name is a spelling nightmare and is rather horrendous to look at (though he has a wife named Mictecacihuatl and would certainly fit right in at a Halloween party). Basically told Quetzalcoatl to not touch the bones in Mictlan and gave him an impossible task by having him play a conch shell with no holes in it (the Feathered Serpent pulled it off anyway, thanks to worms). Forced Quetzalcoatl to drop the bones which caused them to break and scatter as well as forced the Feathered Serpent to move on to plan B. Also tried to trick him into staying at Mictlan forever. Still, he’s also feared and portrayed negatively in myths. Said to take pleasure in human death and suffering. Is a bit too in love with his job.

Symbols and Motifs: Depicted as a skeleton in kingly regalia with a toothy skull and eye balls in his sockets (as well as sported an eyeball necklace and earrings fashioned from human bones). Sometimes portrayed as covered in blood. His animals are owl, bats, dogs, and spiders. His symbols are the 11th hour, knives, and the northern compass direction.

City: Tenochtitlan

Offerings: His offerings consisted of human sacrifice and ritualized cannibalism in his temples. Also, offerings to him were usually found in people’s tombs.

10. Huitzilopochtli

Huitzilopochtli is one of the newer gods of the Aztec pantheon who's best known for helping them founding the city of Tenochtitlan. However, he's one of the most bloody since it's said there were over 20,000 human sacrifices conducted in his honor for 4 days.

Huitzilopochtli is one of the newer gods of the Aztec pantheon who’s best known for helping them founding the city of Tenochtitlan. However, he’s one of the most bloody since it’s said there were over 20,000 human sacrifices conducted in his honor for 4 days.

AKA: “The Left Hand Side,” “The Dart Hurler,” and “The Divine Hurler”

Origin: He’s actually one of the Aztecs’ original deities and was brought south with them. Some say he may have been a historical figure (probably a warrior priest king) who was deified after his death.

Domain: God of war, the will, human sacrifice, and the sun. Patron of fire and lord of the South. National god of the Aztec Empire and people. Though he’s not necessarily the chief god, he’s often referred to as such and the closest the Aztecs got. Mythical founder of Tenochtitlan and told the Aztecs to change their name to Mexica. Associated with rules and gold.

Pro: He’s a badass who can use a lot of improbable weapons like a turquoise spear. Said to help guide the Aztec people into founding the city of Tenochtitlan which was the Pre-Columbian Venice in Lake Texcoco (according to legend). Allowed those who died in battle or killed by enemies as captives as well as women who died in childbirth to accompany him to the heavens. Was said to either avenge or save his mother’s life.

Con: When he was born he killed 400 of his older siblings (yet he’d kill other relatives later like putting another sister to sleep and his nephew). Not to mention, had a nasty fight with his sister that resulted in her getting dismembered and becoming a moon goddess. He’s so bright that soldiers needed their shields to protect their eyes from his sight (though he transformed them into hummingbirds and butterflies). Still, he’s best known as the god with the highest demand for sacrifices and heartburgers with hundreds of prisoners having their chests ripped out in his name.

Symbols and Motifs: Could be depicted as a hummingbird, snake, eagle, a soul of a dead warrior, or as a anthropomorphic figure with feathers on his head and left leg, black face, and holding a scepter shaped like a snake or mirror. Associated with light blue and yellow.The sun eagle that devoured a snake on a cactus is supposed to be him. Aramanth was his plant.

City: Tenochtitlan, of course since he was worship at its Great Temple. Also had a whole month in December dedicated to his worship (called Panquetzaliztli). Festivals include Atamalqualiztli and Toxcatl.

Offerings: Usually consisted of a bunch of POWs having their hearts ripped out at his temple before their bodies were flayed, decapitated, dismembered, and thrown down the stairs. Priests would devour the hearts. 20,000 were said to be sacrificed to him over 4 days. Also had flowers and quail eggs bestowed on him.

11.Tlazolteotl

Tlazolteotl is the goddess of sin, lust, and purification. Though one may be absolved of all sin and untouched by the law. But unlike the Catholic sacrament of reconciliation, confession to her was only a one time Get Out of Jail Free Card. Still, best to confess to her after you've been caught cheating.

Tlazolteotl is the goddess of sin, lust, and purification. Though one may be absolved of all sin and untouched by the law. But unlike the Catholic sacrament of reconciliation, confession to her was only a one time Get Out of Jail Free Card. Still, best to confess to her after you’ve been caught cheating. Oh, and she’s depicted eating shit.

AKA: “Goddess of Dirt,” “She Who Eats Dirt,” “She of Two Faces,” “Sin Eater,” and “Death Caused by Lust”

Origin: May have been adopted by the Aztecs from a Huxtec goddess on the Gulf Coast.

Domain: Goddess of sin and absolution, lust, carnality, purification, steam baths, midwives, filth, vice, forbidden love, and sexual misdeeds. Patroness of adulterers, protector of midwives and doctor women, and mother of Centeōtl. Associated with earth.

Pro: Usually forgave diseases and sins caused by misdeeds, particularly sexual indiscretions. One was purified if they confessed their misdeeds to her and the law wouldn’t touch them.

Con: Yet, confession to her was only a once in a lifetime deal and you didn’t want to cheat on your spouse after you’ve done so (since adultery was punishable by death in the Aztec world). She also inspired vicious desires and was thought to cause disease, especially in those who engage in forbidden love. Also shown to eat poo or give birth.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman eating the shit of humanity’s sins and sometimes nude. Sometimes portrayed giving birth. Associated with black.

City: Her festival was the Ochpaniztli in September to celebrate the harvest and pertained to sweeping, ritual cleaning, and repairs as well as casting corn seed and military ceremonies.

Offerings: People would usually give her offerings of urine and excrement.

12. Xiuhtecuhtli

Xiuhtecuhtli was the god of fire and time who was associated with the Aztec New Fire Ceremony held every 52 years. Yet, other than his role in ceremonies, he doesn't seem to appear much in myths.

Xiuhtecuhtli was the god of fire and time who was associated with the Aztec New Fire Ceremony held every 52 years. Yet, other than his role in ceremonies, he doesn’t seem to appear much in myths.

AKA: “Lord of Fire,” “Lord of Turquoise,” and “Old God”

Origin: Worship and iconography at least dates back to the Post-Classic Toltecs.

Domain: God of fire, day, light, year, time, and heat. Lord of volcanoes. Personified life after death, warmth in cold, light in darkness, and food during famine. Considered father and mother of the gods as well as sometimes married to Chalchiuhtlicue. Dwelt in the turquoise enclosure in the earth’s center. Patron god of Aztec emperors who were said to be the living embodiment of his enthroned as well as merchants. Associated with rulership and youthful warriors. May actually be the chief deity of the Aztec pantheon.

Pro: Well, he’s said to be associated with being the light of the world and he’s pretty essential to the Aztecs.

Con: Despite his importance in the Aztec world, he doesn’t appear in myths much, at least in the ones we know. Still, his legends may be lost due to the Spanish burning codices during the Conquest.

Symbols and Motifs: Depicted as a young man in a red or yellow face with censer in hand (or arms crossed). Turquoise was sacred to him. His symbols are flint, birds, and butterflies. Sometimes depicted as an old man.

City: Tenochtitlan. His festival was the New Fire Ceremony which took place every 52 years. Also had an annual festival as well lasting for 10 days where kids had their ears pierced and their godparents selected. Also, during the last New Fire Ceremony, the chest cavity didn’t light.

Offerings: First mouthful of food was flung to the hearth from each meal and his temples contained an ever burning sacred fire. During the New Fire Ceremony, in which a fire was lit in a sacrificial victim’s chest cavity. Humans sacrificed to him were usually burned after their hearts were removed, naturally. Also had animal offerings as well which were thrown in the fire every year on his festival.

13. Xipe Totec

Xipe Totec was the god of spring and renewal whose festival marked the coming of spring. However, guys sacrificed to him were killed in a lot of nasty ways which made the spring celebration gorier than a Quentin Tarantino movie.

Xipe Totec was the god of spring and renewal whose festival marked the coming of spring. However, guys sacrificed to him were killed in a lot of nasty ways which made the spring celebration gorier than a Quentin Tarantino movie.

AKA: “The Flayed Lord”

Origin: Was widely worshiped in Mesoamerica during the Early Post Classic period and was probably adopted by the Aztecs.

Domain: God of force, war, agriculture, vegetation, diseases, seasons, rebirth, hunting, trades, spring, liberation and lord of the East. Patron of goldsmiths and silversmiths.

Pro: Well, he symbolizes spring and renewal. Also, his name is easy to spell and pronounce as well as likes shiny things. Not to mention, his golden skin makes him not so bad looking for a flayed lord. Helped make the transition from winter to spring as well as guided young men into manhood. Said to cure sickness, especially eye ailments.

Con: He’s said to invent war and his sacrificial victims were killed in very nasty ways since he’s not just known as “The Flayed Lord” for nothing. Also depicted with wearing rotting human skin from a dead person.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as yellow and tan as well as wearing flayed skin and carrying a rattle staff. Sometimes seen carrying a shield and a container of seeds. Without his skin, he’s a golden god.

City: Tenochtitlan and Azcapotzalco. Had an annual festival on the Spring Equinox called Tlacaxipehualiztli.

Offerings: Well, victims were usually young men (soldiers, POWs, slaves, or thieves) who were forced to fight in a fixed gladiatorial match, had their hearts cut out of chests before being flayed with skin worn by warriors and priests, shot full of arrows like Boromir, had their throats slit, or were burned.

14. Coyolxauhqui

Coyolxauhqui was a powerful magician and head of the 400 Southern Stars. Yet, when her mother fell pregnant, she sought to kill but got dismembered and became the moon by a newborn Huitzilopochtli.

Coyolxauhqui was a powerful magician and head of the 400 Southern Stars. Yet, when her mother fell pregnant, she sought to kill but got dismembered and became the moon by a newborn Huitzilopochtli.

AKA: “Face Painted with Bells” and “Golden Bells”

Origin: She was probably an original Aztec goddess based on the story with her. Domain:Goddess of the moon and leader of the Centzon Huitznauhtin. Possibly associated with the Milky Way.

Pro: She was a powerful magician and head of the 400 Southern Stars.

Con: Basically tried to murder her mom when she became pregnant with Huitzilopochtli (perhaps alleging that Coatlicue had been having an affair, which was punishable by death in Aztec society). Was dismembered and sent to the sky when Huitzilopochtli sprang from Coatlicue’s womb. Also, her name is a spelling bee nightmare.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted dismembered with a bells in her hair and skulls near her waist.

City: None as far as I know.

Offerings: I don’t think get gets any offerings or is even worshiped since she’s Huitzilopochtli’s adversary.

15. Metztli

 Metztli the moon deity can be depicted either gender in the Aztec mythos but most contemporary artists have him/her as female. Still, I used Metzli for the moon deity since I couldn't find a painting for Tecciztecatl since he/she may be a female manifestation (or nickname) of the lunar deity.

Metztli the moon deity can be depicted either gender in the Aztec mythos but most contemporary artists have him/her as female. Still, I used Metzli for the moon deity since I couldn’t find a painting for Tecciztecatl and Metzli may be a female manifestation (or nickname) of the lunar deity.

AKA: “Queen of Night” and “Old Mother”

Origin: May have been worshiped in Mesoamerica by the Otomi people before being added to the Aztec pantheon.

Domain: God/Goddess of the moon, night, and farmers. She/he could either be the same deity as Yohualticetl, Coyolxauhqui, or Tecciztecatl or possibly a combination of the 3. Sometimes said to be a lowly god of worms.

Pro: At least his/her name is simple to spell. The Otomi believed he/she sacrificed him/herself so darkness would end.

Con: Though he/she wanted to become the sun but feared its fire. Also, unlike Tonatiuh. he/she failed to sacrifice, him/herself to become the sun turned into the moon instead with face darkened by a rabbit.

Symbols and Motifs: Well, can be depicted as a man or woman and is associated with rabbits, snails, and worms. Said to carry the moon on his/her seashell.

City: None outside the Otomi.

Offerings: Probably doesn’t get any offerings except from the Otomi who saw her as a much more benevolent figure.

16. Xolotl

Xolotl is the Aztec psychopomp and Quetzalcoatl's brother who aided in his descent to Mictlan to steal the bones to create humanity. Still, despite his monstrous appearance, he's actually quite friendly.

Xolotl is the Aztec psychopomp and Quetzalcoatl’s brother who aided in his descent to Mictlan to steal the bones to create humanity. Still, despite his monstrous appearance, he’s actually quite friendly.

AKA: “The Twin”

Origin: Well, dog motifs have been seen a lot in Mesoamerican iconography so it would be no surprised if he predates the Aztecs in the region.

Domain: God of sunset, death, fire, lightning, sickness, darkness, bad luck, and deformities. Brother of Quetzalcoatl. Not a psychopomp in the Western sense but he did serve as the guide of the dead in their journey to Mictlan. The Mexican Hairless dog is named after him and so is the Mexican water salamander. Patron of the Mesoamerican ballgame. Dark personification of Venus the Evening Star.

Pro: Let’s just say he’s a lot nicer than his boss Mictlantecuhtli and his name is much easier to spell. He’s known to guard the sun when it goes into the Underworld at night as well as aid dead souls on their journey to Mictlan. He also assisted his brother Quetzalcoatl (though whether they’re twins or not depends on the story) in helping to create mankind at a considerable price.

Con: Still, if you were going for a dog headed psychopomp, he’d surely be beaten by Anubis in the looks department. Also constantly gets himself in trouble in which he gets scarred by his own lightning and beset by his own sickness. Not to mention, he may not be well liked by the gods in his own pantheon.

Symbols and Motifs: His forms are the Mexican Hairless dog and the water salamander. Usually depicted as an anthropomorphic Mexican Hairless with ragged ears and sometimes crippled. Sometimes portrayed as a skeleton or a monster animal with reversed feet.

City: None since he was the god of bad luck. Then again, he was the patron of the ball game. His festival was celebrated with a pole in August.

Offerings: Let me guess, he was usually honored with Mexican Hairless dog offerings. Not to mention, Aztec dead were usually buried with this dog for their 4 year journey to Mictlan. As for human sacrifices, I suppose he got a cut from the ball game though we’re not sure from which team.

17. Centeōtl

Centeōtl was one of the more important gods in the Aztec pantheon since he was the maize deity. Of course, despite being explicitly a man in Aztec myth (or sort of), he tends to be portrayed as a woman in contemporary art. This is one of the few paintings he isn't and is wearing his corn headdress.

Centeōtl was one of the more important gods in the Aztec pantheon since he was the maize deity. Of course, despite being explicitly a man in Aztec myth (or sort of), he tends to be portrayed as a woman in contemporary art. This is one of the few paintings he isn’t and is wearing his corn headdress.

AKA: “Dried Maize Still on the Cob,” “Maize Cob Lord,” and “Dried Ear of Maize”

Origin: May have started as a Post Classic Mayan maize god before adopted by the Aztecs. Actually he may have been worshiped earlier than that, possibly by the Olmecs.

Domain: God of maize, sustenance, and agriculture. Son of Tlazolteotl and Piltzintecuhtli (sometimes Xochiquetzal). Husband of Chicomecōātl.

Pro: Well, he was a very important deity since maize was a staple Aztec crop. Also, was one of the few fertility gods who didn’t require people being sacrificed in his name.

Con: There’s not much known about him and he doesn’t appear in many myths. Not to mention, he didn’t introduce maize to humans (that honor would go to Quetzalcoatl).

Symbols and Motifs: Usually portrayed as a young man (though the jury’s still out and some artists show him as a woman) with a yellow body. Sometimes portrayed with a maize headdress. His symbol is maize, naturally.

City: Had a maize planting festival in February sometimes consisting of naked women dancing and massive fights would break out.

Offerings: Usually had maize offerings to him as well as human sacrifice through bloodletting rituals.

18. Coatlicue

Coatlicue was a mother goddess best known to have Huitzilopochtli conceived through a ball of feathers to her other children's chagrin. Though seen as a loving mother, she tends to consume everything that lives explaining her hideous choice of fashion.

Coatlicue was a mother goddess best known to have Huitzilopochtli conceived through a ball of feathers to her other children’s chagrin. Though seen as a loving mother, she tends to consume everything that lives explaining her hideous choice of fashion.

AKA: “One with Serpent Skirt,” “The Mother of Gods,” “Goddess of Fire and Fertility, “Goddess of Life, Death and Rebirth”, and “Mother of the Southern Stars.”

Origin: She’s an original goddess in the Aztec pantheon since she’s usually listed as Huitzilopochtli’s mother.

Domain: Goddess of fertility, life, death, and rebirth. Patron of women who die in childbirth. Mother of the Southern Stars, Coyolxauhqui, and Huitzilopochtli (sometimes Quetzalcoatl and Xolotl). Associated with earth, fire, agriculture, governance, and warfare. Possibly inspired the image of Our Lady of Guadelupe after the Spanish Conquest as a Mexican figure.

Pro: Well, she was one of the few of Huitzilopochtli who wasn’t killed by him (or he actually cared about). Said to sacrifice herself in the beginning of present creation in some stories. Usually seen as a loving mother who told her son to make Coyolxauhqui the moon so she could see her every night.

Con: Let’s just say she had a hard time to explain herself when she got impregnated with Huitzilopochtli via a ball of feathers while sweeping a temple. She’s also an insatiable monster consuming everything that lives and a rather fearsome figure in Aztec art. Said to consume and rip human corpses.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman with a snake skirt and a necklace made of human hearts, hands, and skulls. Her hands are typically covered in claws and exhibits hanging breasts. Sometimes portrayed as a ferocious ugly monster.

City: Mount Coatepec but has a statue in Tenochtitlan.

Offerings: Sacrificial victims to her were usually bludgeoned to death, decapitated, and had their hearts ripped out.

19. Chicomecōātl

Chicomecōātl  is the goddess of agriculture who presides over maize growth and harvest. Still, every September she does request for a young girl sacrificed as a thank you gift.

Chicomecōātl is the goddess of agriculture who presides over maize growth and harvest. Still, every September she does request for a young girl sacrificed as a thank you gift.

AKA: “Seven Snakes” “Princess of the Unripe Maize,” and “The Hairy One”

Origin: She may have been a Mayan maize goddess but we’re not exactly sure.

Domain: Goddess of agriculture, nourishment, and plenty during the Middle Culture period and wife of Centeōtl (sometimes Tezcatlipoca). Associated with energy, community, and strength. Presides over maize during the harvest.

Pro: Well, being the goddess of maize so she probably has an important job in the Aztec pantheon. Not to mention, her association with snakes is a rather positive one for the often vilified reptiles (since snakes tended to eat pests).

Con: We don’t know much about her other than being a maize goddess. Some say that she may the same deity as Centeōtl (though with the dual natures thing her presence may make more sense). Also demands a young girl sacrificed every September.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman and her symbol was an ear of corn. Can be sometimes portrayed carrying corn, flowers, death, or the sun as a shield. Also associated with snakes.

City: Had a festival every September. Also tends to share festivals with her husband Centeōtl.

Offerings: Had a young girl representing her sacrificed every September. Her skin would be flayed and worn by a priest.

20. Ītzpāpālōtl

Itzpapalotl is the goddess of flint knives associated with darkness and death. Though her home may be a paradise for dead babies, she's a rather vicious goddess who's reputedly queen of  the notorious Tzitzimitl.

Itzpapalotl is the goddess of flint knives associated with darkness and death. Though her home may be a paradise for dead babies, she’s a rather vicious goddess who’s reputedly queen of the notorious Tzitzimitl.

AKA: “Obsidian Butterfly” “Bat Woman,” “Feminine Warrior,” “Dark Mother,” and “Clawed Butterfly”

Origin: She may have originated as the Goddess 2J from the Zapotec iconography.

Domain: Goddess of stone and flint knives and ruler of Tamoanchan, a paradise for dead babies and where humans were created. Associated with bats, birds, night, deaths, disasters, human sacrifice, war, and fire. Occasionally said to be the mother of Mixcoatl and sometimes the wife of Quetzalcoatl (in his Ehecatl manifestation). Patron of mothers who died in childbirth and dead infants. Said to stand for purification and rejuvenation of what is precious. Could possibly be the Queen of the Tzitzimitl.

Pro: Her abode is an earthly paradise for dead babies. Also seen as a warrior princess figure who has an invisibility cloak. Also said to be a Cihuateteo who may guide soldiers in battle as well as a Tzitzimitl known to protect women. Not to mention, she’s said to know how to dress.

Con: She’s also said to be one of the star demons, Tzitzimitl who are said to descend and eat people during a solar eclipse and attack young men at crossroads. And as a Cihuateteo, she may be said to kidnap children, cause sickness, and seduce men into sexual misbehavior. Once reputed to break the limbs of a sacred tree in paradise causing everything to wither and said to cause storms and drought. Said to be involved in the creation of Aztec booze and isn’t very pleasant at all. Could be seen as a beautiful seductive man eater in both sexual and gastronomical aspects.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a beautiful pale woman in black but sometimes portrayed as a bat, a two headed deer, or skeleton with butterfly knife blade wings and jaguar claws. Associated with flint, eagles, bats, butterflies, knives, obsidian, vultures, and black.

City: None.

Offerings: I’m sure she had humans sacrificed to her because she’s the goddess of flint and knives used to perform them, especially during a solar eclipse.

21. Cihuacoatl

Cihuacoatl was the Aztec goddess who presided over battles and childbirth as well head of the Cihuateteo. However, she's also known to abandon her son Mixcoatl and later regret it as a possibly inspiration for La Lllorona.

Cihuacoatl was the Aztec goddess who presided over battles and childbirth as well head of the Cihuateteo and helped Quetzalcoatl create humanity. However, she’s also known to abandon her son Mixcoatl and later regret it as a possibly inspiration for La Lllorona.

AKA: “Snake Woman”

Origin: She may have been a Toltec goddess before being adopted in the Aztec pantheon.

Domain: Goddess of motherhood, fertility, midwives, and sweat baths. Patroness of Culhuacan and protectoress of the Chalmeca people. Sometimes mother of Mixcoatl and linked with La Llorona. Patroness of women who died in childbirth and queen of the Cihuateteo.

Pro: Helped Quetzalcoatl create the current race of humanity by grinding the bones of the previous ones. Said to predict disasters as well as presided over births and battles.

Con: Said to abandon her son Mixcoatl at a crossroads at Lake Xochimilco and was said to weep for him only to find a sacrificial knife. Was also known to haunt crossroads at night and abduct children, cause sickness, and seduce men.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as an old woman carrying spears and a warrior’s shield though sometimes portrayed as a young woman carrying flowers or a skeleton. Associated with maize, brooms, and snakes.

City: Culhuacan, Tenochtitlan, and Lake Xochimilco.

Offerings: Human sacrifice victims were women offered to her usually had their hearts ripped from chests and were beheaded.

22. Mixcoatl

Mixcoatl is the god of the hunt who created fire with a clever cosmic feat of engineering that has never been repeated. However, his family tree is a real tangled mess.

Mixcoatl is the god of the hunt who created fire with a clever cosmic feat of engineering that has never been repeated. However, his family tree is a real tangled mess.

AKA: “Deer Sandal” and “Cloud Serpent”

Origin: Patron deity of the Otomi and Chichimecs as well as other Mesoamerican cultures. May have originally been a Toltec warrior who was deified or possibly a Mixtec god.

Domain: God of war, the Milky Way, fire, stars, heavens, North Star, and the hunt. Sometimes a manifestation of Tezcatlipoca or Xipe Totec, son of Cihuacoatl or Ītzpāpālōtl

Pro: Name is easy to spell. Said to create fire for the Aztec people with a clever bit of cosmic engineering no one has managed to duplicate called the Cosmic Fire Drill.

Con: Said to have killed 400 of this Northern Stars siblings and his sister with 3 of his brothers. Did nothing to prevent his 400 Southern Star sons with from being killed (though that might’ve been out of not wanting to mess with Huitzilopochtli). As Quetzalcoatl’s father, he was killed by his 3 brothers. Oh, and how he knocked up Chimalma involved shooting an arrow between her legs while she was naked and consent appeared questionable. Not to mention, his manifestations and relations are relatively confusing so you might want to avoid doing his family tree.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted in a black mask with candy cane stripes on his body and long hair. Equipped with a bow and arrow as well as a net or basket.

City: Had a festival in October. Also worshiped in Huejotzingo and Tlaxcala.

Offerings: Well, his honoring had hunters bleed themselves, offer their game during his festival, and have someone sacrificed in his temple.

23. Chimalma

Though Chimalma is best known for guiding the Aztecs from Aztlan, being Huitzilopochtli's shield bearer, and mother of Quetzelcoatl, she's little known for much else. Still, she either conceived the Feathered Serpent through swallowing a jade or sleeping with Mixcoatl after he shot an arrow between her legs.

Though Chimalma is best known for guiding the Aztecs from Aztlan, being Huitzilopochtli’s shield bearer, and mother of Quetzelcoatl, she’s little known for much else. Still, she either conceived the Feathered Serpent through swallowing a jade or sleeping with Mixcoatl after he shot an arrow between her legs.

AKA: “Shield Hand”

Origin: She may have been a Toltec goddess or a deity of the Chichimeca.

Domain: Goddess of fertility, life, death, and rebirth. Best known as the mother of Quetzalcoatl (though stories of his conception are a bit crazy).

Pro: Accompanied the Aztecs from their homeland of Atzlan as well as served as shield bearer to Huitzilopochtli.

Con: There’s not much about her and she’s really not known for much else besides being the mother to Quetzalcoatl.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman. Her symbols are an arrow, shield, and jade.

City: None.

Offerings: I’m not sure she had any offerings.

24. Toci

Toci was the goddess of cleanliness, health, and midwives.  Still, on her special time, a woman would be sacrificed by being beheaded and flayed.

Toci was the goddess of cleanliness, health, and midwives. Still, on her special time, a woman would be sacrificed by being beheaded and flayed.

AKA: “Our Grandmother,” “Mother of the Gods,” “Woman of Discord,” and “Heart of the Earth”

Origin: She’s most likely an original Aztec deity as far as I could tell.

Domain: Goddess of healing, sweat baths, hygiene, and midwives. May be an aspect of Tlazolteotl. Was once a princess of Culhuacan before she was ordered to be flayed and sacrificed instead of offered in marriage to an Aztec nobleman, thanks to Huitzilopochtli. Associated with war.

Pro: Name is easy to spell and pronounce. Also, she’s a healer who emphasizes hygiene and cleanliness.

Con: Let’s just say she has a demand for women to be sacrificed in her honor and not screaming, despite going through the process herself.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman with cotton spools on her headdress and a black mark on her cheek. Though said to be old she’s not usually portrayed as such. Her symbol is a broom, shield, and arrows.

City: Ochpaniztli was her festival time that precipitated a sweeping frenzy.

Offerings: In her honor, a woman was either beheaded or had her heart cut out then flayed. Usually she’d be lured through a deception that she was about to see the ruler.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Second Edition)

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While there are certain cards that you can send to your loved ones on the holidays, you can look at postcards all year round. Despite that my last vintage postcard post wasn’t as popular as the ones on vintage Christmas cards or valentines, many of these are quite unforgettable in their own right. But if you’ve enjoyed them, there’s still plenty more of them to see that you wouldn’t have written on to send to your mother. Still, you wouldn’t believe the kinds of bad vintage postcards there are out there. So if you’re tired of seeing those tacky postcards from my previous post, then I have a treat for you. So without further adieu, here are some more tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure.

1. So after God created practically everything known in the natural world, he created Texas. Good God.

Of course, everything is bigger in Texas, even egos and religiosity. Seriously, if Texans knew that the Last Supper took place where they live, they would've undoubtedly boast about it.

Of course, everything is bigger in Texas, even egos and religiosity. Seriously, if Texans knew that the Last Supper took place where they live, they would’ve undoubtedly boast about it like there’s no tomorrow.

2. Sorry, I can’t understand German so I’m not sure why the guy has a torture device around his neck in the shape of a horse.

Still, you have to respect the creativity in how people in the Middle Ages used to torture people.

Still, you have to respect the creativity in how people in the Middle Ages used to torture people. Yet, that guy will certainly be in a lot of pain after he goes through it and if he survives.

3. Greetings from the Little Traverse Hospital and Burns Clinic!

Or the place where Bobby was sent after being caught in that house fire that looks like where you went to high school.

Or the place where Bobby was sent after being caught in that house fire that looks like where you went to high school. Seriously, this resembles a AAAA high school where all the preppie kids went to.

4. For Valentine’s Day, why don’t you send your sweetheart one of a couple on love’s wings.

Of course, this is the perfect valentine to send to your girlfriend if she greatly enjoys the Terry Gilliam animations from Monty Python. Also, is that a feather winged polar bear?

Of course, this is the perfect valentine to send to your girlfriend if she greatly enjoys the Terry Gilliam animations from Monty Python. Also, is that a feather winged polar bear?

5. Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving, except for the turkey that I’m going to shoot at.

Yeah, because nothing says "Happy Thanksgiving" than a turkey's inevitable demise to the receiving end of a Pilgrim's blunderbuss.

Yeah, because nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than a turkey’s inevitable demise to the receiving end of a Pilgrim’s blunderbuss.

6. Christmas Geetings from Chicken’s Rock, Lighthouse, and Sound. J. O. M.

You'd think a place named Chicken may have more interesting scenery but this doesn't seem to. Also, seems kind of dreary and desolate that no one seems to have a Merry Christmas down there.

Apparently the people of Chicken’s Rock don’t seem to be having a Merry Christmas this year as seen by the landscape of despair and desolation that would make someone with Seasonal Affective Disorder want to jump off and drown themselves.

7. This is either a cute little postcard or a scene of workplace miscreants.

Then again, I'm not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it's doing there. Seriously, why the hell is it there?

Then again, I’m not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it’s doing there. Oh, that’s her leg isn’t it? Still, it’s kind of sexually suggestive if you know what I mean.

8. A man’s love is like a firecracker sometimes it pops and sometimes it only fizzles.

Note the phallic imagery with a firecracker and I'm not sure if this postcard is referring to a man's love as it is about a man's sexuality. Still, if a man's "love" fizzles we may have Viagra for that but men, you might want to consult your doctor first.

Note the phallic imagery with a firecracker and I’m not sure if this postcard is referring to a man’s love as it is about a man’s sexuality. Still, if a man’s “love” fizzles we may have Viagra for that but men, you might want to consult your doctor first.

9. Of course, there are postcards for everything, even celebrating the birth of Nazi babies.

 On the back it says, "May your new bundle of joy become a faithful servant of the master race. Heil Hitler!" Of course, what do you expect from a postcard with a Nazi swastika that now denotes anti-Semitism and white supremacy.


On the back it says, “May your new bundle of joy become a faithful servant of the master race. Heil Hitler!” Of course, what do you expect from a postcard with a Nazi swastika that now denotes anti-Semitism and white supremacy?

10. So, fellas, if the other team’s punter is a woman, just go right up to kiss her.

Of course, if Charlie Brown did this with Lucy more often, then maybe she would've let him kick the football. Then again, she's into Schroeder so that might be sexual harassment at that point.

Of course, if Charlie Brown did this with Lucy more often, then maybe she would’ve let him kick the football. Then again, she’s into Schroeder so that might be sexual harassment at that point.

11. See if you have the perfect woman, according to the language of the Car Talk guys or your local mechanic.

Then again, maybe comparing women to cars isn't a good idea. Also, many guys would say the same about their actual cars. Still, this postcard is pretty sexist.

Then again, maybe comparing women to cars isn’t a good idea. Also, many guys would say the same about their actual cars. Still, this postcard is pretty sexist especially with the boxes containing “twin exhausts” and “power steering.”

12. Hey, I didn’t know they had ball deodorant in those days. Didn’t know men need them.

Oh, I meant the kind of deodorant where it's applied with a ball. Still, anyone who's old enough knows the joke on this one is. Sorry, boys, but your grandfather joked about balls as well.

Oh, I meant the kind of deodorant where it’s applied with a ball. Still, anyone who’s old enough knows the joke on this one is. Sorry, boys, but your grandfather joked about balls as well.

13. Vacations make strange seat fellows in some circumstances.

Wonder what their history is and why is she on the guy's lap if she's not his wife? Then again, the guy may be lying about not knowing her.

Wonder what their history is and why is she on the guy’s lap if she’s not his wife? Then again, the guy may be lying about not knowing her.

14. Greetings from Coney Island, where you can get red hot frankfurters, sauerkraut, and dog shit on the waiter?

Man, did it suck to be a black guy  in those days. Even the dog waiter is being treated better than he is. Also, I hope it's ground meat and not something I think it is.

Man, did it suck to be a black guy in those days. Even the dog waiter is being treated better than he is. Also, I hope it’s ground meat and not something I think it is.

15. Greetings from the Damm family from their family camper for they’re having a wonderful time.

Still, I wonder what happened to their son Amster Damm. Nobody seems to hear about him despite the song. Also, I'm sure May B. is becoming kind of a flapper.

Still, I wonder what happened to their son Amster Damm. Nobody seems to hear about him despite the song. Also, I’m sure May B. is becoming kind of a flapper.

16. I have a bad feeling about a sheep between the man’s legs.

Let's just hope it's just some idiot who wants to ride one. Seriously, I have a bad feeling about this postcard, which suggests something depraved.

Let’s just hope it’s just some idiot who wants to ride one. Seriously, I have a bad feeling about this postcard, which suggests something depraved.

17. Of course, when dogs gotta go, they gotta go.

Still, if these dogs need to pee, then why the hell are they waiting to use the tree. I mean when a dog has to relieve itself outside, it just does it, no ifs, ands, or buts. Besides, they also use fire hydrants.

Still, if these dogs need to pee, then why the hell are they waiting to use the tree. I mean when a dog has to relieve itself outside, it just does it, no ifs, ands, or buts. Besides, they also use fire hydrants.

18. Amish people sure do love Intercourse, PA, which was named after an old tavern stand.

Of course, I'm sure the town of Intercourse sells a lot of merchandise. Yet, I'm positive it's not because people like their Amish country. May have more to do with the name Intercourse.

Of course, I’m sure the town of Intercourse sells a lot of merchandise. Yet, I’m positive it’s not because people like their Amish country. May have more to do with the fact the town has an unintentionally dirty name. Yes, there’s a real town called Intercourse, look it up.

19. Performance Art: Creating the stuff of nightmares since your grandparents’ generation.

I'm sure any adolescent boy who views this is just going to be terrified out of his mind, instead of titillated. Then again, he may be both.

I’m sure any adolescent boy who views this is just going to be terrified out of his mind, instead of titillated. Then again, he may be both.

20. Of course, you’re never too young to start smoking.

Still, what people may find cute one generation, others may find disturbing during the next. This boy is sure going to have his whole life ahead of him with his lungs full of tar.

Still, what people may find cute one generation, others may find disturbing during the next. This boy is sure going to have his whole life ahead of him with his lungs full of tar.

21. Hey, I didn’t know James Cagney played Thomas Jefferson. Oh, wait, he didn’t.

Still, this reminds me more of a 18th century Jimmy Cagney about to sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy," than the sage at Monticello. Nevertheless, this is a terrible wax representation of an American Founding Father.

Still, this reminds me more of a 18th century Jimmy Cagney about to sing “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” than the sage at Monticello. Nevertheless, this is a terrible wax representation of an American Founding Father.

22. Never have I seen a bunch of ladies this bored at a whiskey festival.

"Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, you may get lucky tonight. Then again, you might end up on a list of sex offenders."

“Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, this could be your lucky night. When a guy is loaded, he thinks any girl is attractive. Trust me, that’s how I met my husband in Vegas.”

23. Just another day at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy hunting lodge.

I'm sure it wouldn't be that fun to pose with these bears if they weren't shot and mounted as hunting trophies first. Still, I'm sure you couldn't get away with these photo ops nowadays or PETA would be all over your ass.

I’m sure it wouldn’t be that fun to pose with these bears if they weren’t shot and mounted as hunting trophies first. Still, I’m sure you couldn’t get away with these photo ops nowadays or PETA would be all over your ass.

24. At least being a member of Starfleet has its perks such as having the crew go on shore leave at lovely snow planet ski resort and spa.

Still, knowing that these skiers are wearing red shirts, I have a good feeling that neither of these ladies will ever see them again. We all know what happens to redshirts during these planet scenes.

Still, knowing that these skiers are wearing red shirts, I have a good feeling that neither of these ladies will ever see them again. We all know what happens to redshirts during these planet scenes. Also, why are those women wearing swimsuits indoors?

25. Now before you go on your hunting trip in the Alps, here are some German words you need to know.

I'm sure that clock is just an antique that only Dick Cheney could love. Still, the "Schnitzelbank" reminds me of an Animaniacs sketch for some reason.

I’m sure that clock is just an antique that only Dick Cheney could love. Still, the “Schnitzelbank” reminds me of an Animaniacs sketch for some reason.

26. See the bikini beauties from Hampton, Iowa?

Let's just say that if you live in a town that's desperate for tourists, putting a beautiful bikini clad model on the local postcard will sure solve everything. Yeah, right.

Let’s just say that if you live in a town that’s desperate for tourists, putting a beautiful bikini clad model on the local postcard will sure solve everything. Yeah, right.

27. Flatten your tummy by as much as 4 inches instantly with a Compresso belt for just $3.98. Over 1 million satisfied customers.

Or as we know these undergarments, "spanx." I'm sure we didn't call them by that name in those days but spanx have been around for so many generations.

Or as we know these undergarments, “spanx.” I’m sure we didn’t call them by that name in those days but spanx have been around for so many generations. And your grandma wore them a lot more often than you’ll ever have.

28. No cowboy could ever round up them little doagies without his trusty giant Jackalope.

The back of this postcard says, "This rare species of Jackalope used in cattle roundups are very dependable and easily trained. A breed of Antelope and Jackrabbit. their cries often sound human and tuneful, probably form hearing cowboy songs at roundup time." I'm sure this is totally not bullshit (it is since rabbits can't be that huge).

The back of this postcard says, “This rare species of Jackalope used in cattle roundups are very dependable and easily trained. A breed of Antelope and Jackrabbit. their cries often sound human and tuneful, probably form hearing cowboy songs at roundup time.” I’m sure this is totally not bullshit (it is since rabbits can’t be that huge).

29. Aww, see Jesus with those dear little children come unto him.

With wax children this creepy, I can see why Jesus' apostles were rather concerned about them. Still, those kiddies don't seem completely innocent to me. I just wish Jesus could just get the hell out of there before those tykes try to murder him.

With wax children this creepy, I can see why Jesus’ apostles were rather concerned about them. Still, those kiddies don’t seem completely innocent to me. I just wish Jesus could just get the hell out of there before those tykes try to murder him.

30. Here is Miss Perma-Vend awing at this handy plastic sealing doohicky. I don’t know what the hell this is.

Oh, it's a laminator for certain items you don't want to get wet. Still, Miss Perma-Vend seems to really be excited about this for some unknown reason.

Oh, it’s a laminator for certain items you don’t want to get wet. Still, Miss Perma-Vend seems to really be excited about this for some unknown reason.

31. Go to the Bible museum and see Salome’s dance of the seven veils.

And I thought these Christian museum places were supposed to be family friendly venues. Still, I'm sure Salome's dance didn't go quite like this, as far as the Gospel writers had in mind.

And I thought these Christian museum places were supposed to be family friendly venues. Still, I’m sure Salome’s dance didn’t go quite like this, as far as the Gospel writers had in mind.

32. Please don’t pick the flowers off this woman.

Yet, by the look at her face, she sort of wants you to, if you know what I mean. Either that, or the flower stems in her nipples must be very painful.

Yet, by the look at her face, she sort of wants you to, if you know what I mean. Either that, or the flower stems in her nipples must be very painful.

33. The visible woman bares all for everyone to see.

For God's sake that's going to far and she really needs to cover up. Maybe she should just change into skin. Then again, this image was probably made for scientific purposes.

For God’s sake that’s going to far and she really needs to cover up. Maybe she should just change into skin. Then again, this image was probably made for scientific purposes.

34. See, kiddies, cotton picking is fun. Really, look at how happy this little tyke is picking cotton.

Of course, we have to understand that cotton picking is not fun and it can result in a lot of cuts and scrapes if you do it long enough. Otherwise, Southerners wouldn't have made slaves do it (and we fought a whole war over slavery). Not only that, but cotton is now picked by machinery.

Of course, we have to understand that cotton picking is not fun and it can result in a lot of cuts and scrapes if you do it long enough. Otherwise, Southerners wouldn’t have made slaves do it (and we fought a whole war over slavery). Not only that, but cotton is now picked by machinery.

35. The three bares say hello from the beach.

I know this is just a drawing for laughs but seriously? I don't think a postcard with young girls' bare butts is in any way appropriate. Still, they'll soon have their tushies wracked with sunburns and splinters before long.

I know this is just a drawing for laughs but seriously? I don’t think a postcard with young girls’ bare butts is in any way appropriate. Still, they’ll soon have their tushies wracked with sunburns and splinters before long.

36. See the deranged sea horse fountain at the Dadeland Mall in Florida.

I'm sure this horse seems harmless. Yeah, it appears inflicted with some kind of Mad Horse disease from the Gulf of Mexico.

I’m sure this horse seems harmless. Yeah, it appears inflicted with some kind of Mad Horse disease from the Gulf of Mexico. Still, why have that at a mall fountain, I have no idea.

37. For young people, ping pong has always been a wholesome and leisurely activity, even to watch.

I'm sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. I mean we've all been to college.

I’m sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. Let’s just say that it would basically lighten the mood in this joint.

38. On this edition of Stupid Pet Tricks we have two poodles named Twinkle Star and Super Star performing a rendition of their own, “That’s Why the Lady Is a Tramp.”

Perhaps this is the postcard that inspired David Letterman to do his Stupid Pet Tricks segment on late night TV. Still, Super Star may be "a celebrity that blows his own trumpet."

Perhaps this is the postcard that inspired David Letterman to do his Stupid Pet Tricks segment on late night TV. Still, Super Star may be “a celebrity that blows his own trumpet.”

39. Ladies and gentlemen, may introduce Paul Bunyan: Lumberjack and axe murderer.

I'm sure Paul Bunyan is determined to take his suppressed rage to the world since his dad hated it when he put on women's clothing and hanged around in bars.

I’m sure Paul Bunyan is determined to take his suppressed rage to the world since his dad hated it when he put on women’s clothing and hanged around in bars.

40. Out of all the Christian postcards I’ve seen, at least this one makes a valid point about the nuclear arms race.

Nevertheless, while the prayer may be rather thought provoking, this postcard is hard to take seriously with a tacky Jesus statue and a guy who resembles Bill Murray dressed as Colonel Sanders.

Nevertheless, while the prayer may be rather thought provoking, this postcard is hard to take seriously with a tacky Jesus statue and a guy who resembles Bill Murray dressed as Colonel Sanders.

41. Of course, this bikini beauty seems to use flowers to cover her boobs.

Once again, having those flowers on can't be good for the nipples. Then again, maybe they're taped. Still, I can't believe they could get away with this in those days.

Once again, having those flowers on can’t be good for the nipples. Then again, maybe they’re taped. Still, I can’t believe they could get away with this in those days.

42. Sorry, I’m afraid Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Charming couldn’t come to save her from a long slumber so he sent his younger brother Ed to do the honor.

While Prince Ed wasn't a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in an abnormally tall head.

While Prince Ed wasn’t a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in a freakishly tall head.

43. This chimp seems to be having more fun than a barrel of people.

Then again, whenever I've seen people in barrels on TV it's more or less to say that they've been robbed of everything including the shirt on their backs. That, and possibly murdered.

Then again, whenever I’ve seen people in barrels on TV it’s more or less to say that they’ve been robbed of everything including the shirt on their backs. That, and possibly murdered. Still, chimps must use big barrels or something.

44. Come to our South of the Border restaurant and see our statue depicting negative Mexican stereotypes.

I'm sure actual Mexicans visiting this restaurant would be sincerely offended if the joint is owned by a white guy and the food available is about as Mexican as the stuff at Taco Bell.

I’m sure actual Mexicans visiting this restaurant would be sincerely offended if the joint is owned by a white guy and the food available is about as Mexican as the stuff at Taco Bell.

45. Hey, I didn’t know they had Hairspray back in the day.

Oh, I forgot, Hairspray is musical made not to long ago adapted from 1980s movie. Still, I'm sure nobody would want to send their parents a postcard depicting something like this.

Oh, I forgot, Hairspray is musical made not to long ago adapted from 1980s movie. Still, I’m sure nobody would want to send their parents a postcard depicting something like this.

46. Florida is a great place to have a picnic, underwater.

Here is one lady feeding some scraps to the fishies. Fishies seem to like lettuce. Still, the food must be very soggy to eat in that tank.

Here is one lady feeding some scraps to the fishies. Fishies seem to like lettuce. Still, the food must be very soggy to eat in that tank but at least she has a device to breathe through. Yet, I don’t know how she keeps her hair nice like that.

47. See flipper jump through a burning ring of fire.

I'm sure PETA is going to be very upset at me for posting this. Still, even if it exhibits animal cruelty, it looks pretty awesome.

I’m sure PETA is going to be very upset at me for posting this. Still, even if it exhibits animal cruelty, it looks pretty awesome.

48. Now here’s a black bear scavenging for food in its natural habitat, kids, so don’t feed it.

I bet any money that the bear is either going for whatever's in the trash can or to the kids watching it. Then again, there's the person taking the picture.

I bet any money that the bear is either going for whatever’s in the trash can or to the kids watching it. Then again, there’s the person taking the picture.

49. Here is a wax reenactment of Leif Ericson landing in North America.

Actually that Viking display looks more Minnesota Vikings or Wagner opera than actual Vikings. I mean the Vikings didn't wear horned helmets since that would be stupid. Still, at least they got Leif's hair color right for his dad was Eric the Red.

Actually that Viking display looks more Minnesota Vikings or Wagner opera than actual Vikings. I mean the Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets since that would be stupid. Still, at least they got Leif’s hair color right for his dad was Eric the Red.

50. You know who loves Lawrence Welk? Bitches love Lawrence Welk.

I'm sure your parents all liked watching the Lawrence Welk Show than they were kids. Then again, they probably thought watching that show was more painful than having to go through a root canal.

I’m sure your parents all liked watching the Lawrence Welk Show than they were kids. Then again, they probably thought watching that show was more painful than having to go through a root canal.

51. Now here is a statue of Adolph the dolphin.

Actually when I hear the name "Adolph," I don't think of an adorable dolphin. Rather I think of a German dictator who killed a bunch of people in concentration camps and started a major world war.

Actually when I hear the name “Adolph,” I don’t think of an adorable dolphin. Rather I think of a German dictator who killed a bunch of people in concentration camps and started a major world war. Also, the dolphin kind of looks pretty mean.

52. While you see Florida beaches as a vacation spot, alligators see them as an all you can eat buffet.

Wait a minute, alligators don't live in saltwater environments. They live in freshwater  swamps like the Everglades. Then again, only in Florida.

Wait a minute, alligators don’t live in saltwater environments. They live in freshwater swamps like the Everglades. Then again, only in Florida.

53. Please pray for the Nelsons in Ghana.

And dear Lord, please give them the strength and courage to overcome their ghastly fashion sense. I mean it's nice for them to go with traditional dress but a brown and yellow color scheme? Dear God!

And dear Lord, please give them the strength and courage to overcome their ghastly fashion sense. I mean it’s nice for them to go with traditional dress but a brown and yellow color scheme? Dear God!

54. Dig those Los Angeles Freeways.

Because of Los Angeles reputation for congested traffic, you'll be on them for a very long time. Seriously, you don't want to be stuck in an LA traffic jam.

Because of Los Angeles reputation for congested traffic, you’ll be on them for a very long time. Seriously, you don’t want to be stuck in an LA traffic jam.

55. Sorry not to see you in Sunday school so come next time, or we’ll murder you.

I know this is supposed to be a more uplifting and welcoming message on this postcard. Yet, seeing these creepily drawn kids, urging you to go to Sunday school seems more of a threat.

I know this is supposed to be a more uplifting and welcoming message on this postcard. Yet, seeing these creepily drawn kids, urging you to go to Sunday school seems more of a threat.

56. Greetings, from that sleazy motel where your father’s staying after he left your mother for his cheap ass secretary Karen.

I know this is more of a bungalow vacation spot for travelers. Yet, the hot pink walls and that neon sign give it the kind of "no-tell, motel" vibe that makes it seem like a place for hookers or adultery.

I know this is more of a bungalow vacation spot for travelers. Yet, the hot pink walls and that neon sign give it the kind of “no-tell, motel” vibe that makes it seem like a place for hookers or adultery.

57. Now introducing the Martha Stewart rotary dial telephones available in eight different colors.

Of course, you know that this postcard is vintage when you see rotary dial telephones in them. Still, this woman seems so happy that she wants them all despite none of them matching her dress.

Of course, you know that this postcard is vintage when you see rotary dial telephones in them. Still, this woman seems so happy that she wants them all despite none of them matching her dress.

58. Men, make sure to wear a Botany 500 suit for your next one night stand.

I'm sure "come on strong" and "go all the way" don't seem to be taken out of context especially since he's seems to be with a woman in a residential setting. And they seem to be making eye contact as if they're about to do it. And they say hookup culture only took place in my generation. Hell, this has to be from the 1970s at the earliest.

I’m sure “come on strong” and “go all the way” don’t seem to be taken out of context especially since he’s seems to be with a woman in a residential setting. And they seem to be making eye contact as if they’re about to do it. And they say hookup culture only took place in my generation. Hell, this has to be from the 1970s at the earliest.

59. The Invisible Woman goes back home to her family in Texas.

I'm sure the Invisible woman isn't showing herself wearing her new cowboy shirt in this due to her embarrassment to be photographed with her old man in what almost resembles blue pajamas.

I’m sure the Invisible woman isn’t showing herself wearing her new cowboy shirt in this due to her embarrassment to be photographed with her old man in what almost resembles blue pajamas.

60. Watermelon always taste great underwater.

Of course, when she's on dry land, it's going to be a pain in the ass to get all the seeds out of her hair. Still, she seems to be greatly enjoying herself.

Of course, when she’s on dry land, it’s going to be a pain in the ass to get all the seeds out of her hair. Still, she seems to be greatly enjoying herself.

61. Who knew that you can go hang gliding and water skiing at the same time?

Remember kids, this man may make gliding through space on a giant kite while on water skis seem awesome but you should never try this at home ever. Still, at least he's not wearing a speedo.

Remember kids, this man may make gliding through space on a giant kite while on water skis seem awesome but you should never try this at home ever. Still, at least he’s not wearing a speedo.

62. Now this dog seems to be all dressed up and ready to go.

I'm sure this dog is now shirking in embarrassment for having to pose for this postcard in this idiotic outfit. I mean, people won't even dress their kids up this way, let alone a dog. Also, dogs have fur so they don't need clothes.

I’m sure this dog is now shirking in embarrassment for having to pose for this postcard in this idiotic outfit. I mean, people won’t even dress their kids up this way, let alone a dog. Also, dogs have fur so they don’t need clothes.

63. Greetings, from the City of Rocks.

The Lord Almighty sure does have a sense of humor doesn't He? Still, I wonder if anyone noticed what that rock formation looks like before taking the photo for a postcard. Then again, this card sure won't make your visit unforgettable.

The Lord Almighty sure does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? Still, I wonder if anyone noticed what that rock formation looks like before taking the photo for a postcard. Then again, this card sure won’t make your visit unforgettable.

64. All a girl needs is her enormous beach ball and her trampoline.

I'm sure her trampoline must be enormous to have her jump that high into the sky. Then again, it's probably photoshop.

I’m sure her trampoline must be enormous to have her jump that high into the sky. Then again, it’s probably photoshop.

65. Looks like this guy has a knack for shooting mink and foxes for fur coats.

PETA is going to be so angry with me after I do this post. Still, I hope those are mink and not foxes because white mink are domesticated.

PETA is going to be so angry with me after I do this post. Still, I hope those are mink and not foxes because white mink are domesticated.

66. “Hey, kids, looks like we need to eat and we’re out of gas, which way should we go?”

Still, I'm sure there are plenty of rest stops that service both food and fuel. And even in plazas where there's a restaurant, a gas station is not far behind.

Still, I’m sure there are plenty of rest stops that service both food and fuel. And even in plazas where there’s a restaurant, a gas station is not far behind.

67. Come spend a week in paradise at the North Pole Motel.

I'm sure you're not going to see Santa in these parts. Of course, he may go there for vacation in January after delivering presents to all those kids during the holidays.

I’m sure you’re not going to see Santa in these parts. Of course, he may go there for vacation in January after delivering presents to all those kids during the holidays.

68. Aww, look at that cute chimp in the, why wait a second? I don’t think the Indians will be too thrilled about this little ape mocking their traditions.

Let's just hope this little ape isn't a mascot for some college sports team with an Indian mascot. Still, at least it's not in African dress, which would've been more offensive.

Let’s just hope this little ape isn’t a mascot for some college sports team with an Indian mascot. Still, at least it’s not in African dress, which would’ve been more offensive.

69. Well, when I don’t put in a blog post for a few days, I kind of feel the same way.

Of course, I'm sure this perhaps one of the few postcards I've shown in which the bare butt display is intentional.

Of course, I’m sure this perhaps one of the few postcards I’ve shown in which the bare butt display is intentional. Still, that baby doesn’t seem up to no good.

70. If you’re the parish priest, why don’t you celebrate Mass with style wearing these top of the line vestments in the latest fashions?

I'm sure we really need a postcard for this? Seriously, ads for priestly vestments? The monks at Saint Vincent College would sure get a kick out of this.

I’m sure we really need a postcard for this? Seriously, ads for priestly vestments? The monks at Saint Vincent College would sure get a kick out of this.