Stupid Pet Stuff

HugsPet

Let’s face it, people love their pets and want what’s best for them. Sure caring for an animal that depends on you is a commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Pet owners are responsible for caring, feeding, and exercising their furry companions so it’s no wonder that they may need to visit a pet store once in awhile. Sure Fido may need his dog food, treats, worm pills, doggy bed, some toys to chew on, a crate, and a leash for walks like he needs a check up from the vet. And if he’s a city dog, then I’m sure his owner will have to buy some cleanup equipment for his nature calls. Yes, all that costs money. Sure owners want what’s best for their animal friends but some tend to go to extreme as if their pets are like people. I mean there are owners who spend so much on their pets on things which they don’t need. I’m sure Fluffy the cat should have the best kitty littler, but come on, do you really need to give her a birthday party? Seriously, pets may be a big responsibility but they aren’t people and you shouldn’t treat them like your kid. Hell, some people spend more on their pets than their own relations. And Leona Helmsey left the bulk of her estate to her dog Trouble and disinherited two of her grandchildren. Still, this doesn’t stop people from thinking that their little Frou Frou needs a spa treatment. Nevertheless, such strange notions of pet owners give rise to some of the craziest pet stuff you’d find on the web. So without further adieu, here are some pet products that would make your local cat hoarder seem sane by comparison.

1. King-Size Cat Bed

Just because your cat needs a place to sleep, doesn't mean it needs a bed set as fancy as yours even with side tables and drawers. Seriously, whoever dumped this much money on this luxury suite makes a conventional crazy cat lady seem normal.

Just because your cat needs a place to sleep, doesn’t mean it needs a bed set as fancy as yours even with side tables and drawers. Seriously, whoever dumped this much money on this luxury suite makes a conventional crazy cat lady seem normal.

2. Puppoose

Seriously, pets are animals not fashion accessories even if they are little lap dogs. Still, I wonder if they make them in Great Dane size. Now that would be funny.

Seriously, pets are animals not fashion accessories even if they are little lap dogs. Still, I wonder if they make them in Great Dane size. Now that would be funny.

3. Luxury Themed Squeak Toys

Okay, what's with these pompous cutesy wootsy playthings? I mean they resemble nothing that a dog would actually play with nor what you'd want it to play with. Seriously, you dog can do without a

Okay, what’s with these pompous cutesy wootsy playthings? I mean they resemble nothing that a dog would actually play with nor what you’d want it to play with. Seriously, you dog can do without a “iPaw,” “iBone,” “Pawda Handbag,” and an “American Barxpress Card.”

4. Decorative Pet Tattoos or Pet Piercings

Now getting a tattoo to memorialize a furry friend is one thing. However, getting your pet a tattoo (or piercing) is just fucking insane (except if it's for identification). Now such practices are popular in Russia and parts of Asia, but in New York State it's mostly banned and considered animal abuse.

Now getting a tattoo to memorialize a furry friend is one thing. However, getting your pet a tattoo (or piercing) is just fucking insane (except if it’s for identification). Now such practices are popular in Russia and parts of Asia, but in New York State it’s mostly banned and considered animal abuse.

5. Bowser Beer for Dogs

Yes, this is beer for dogs. Seriously, just because dogs are man's best friend, doesn't mean we should make them our drinking buddies. Of course, there are other brands like Happy Tail Ale, Flying Dog Beer, and other brands. Yes, it's a stupid concept but there's money in it.

Yes, this is beer for dogs. Seriously, just because dogs are man’s best friend, doesn’t mean we should make them our drinking buddies. Of course, there are other brands like Happy Tail Ale, Flying Dog Beer, and other brands. Yes, it’s a stupid concept but there’s money in it.

6. Dog Hot Tub

Okay, now if most people can do without their own home jacuzzi, I'm sure their pets don't need one either. Seriously, why do these things even exist?

Okay, now if most people can do without their own home jacuzzi, I’m sure their pets don’t need one either. Seriously, why do these things even exist?

7. Litter Robot

Now a self-cleaning litter box may seem like a great idea. But a self-cleaning litter box that resembles a space capsule? And for $399 from SkyMall? Please.

Now a self-cleaning litter box may seem like a great idea. But a self-cleaning litter box that resembles a space capsule? And for $399 from SkyMall? Please.

8. PetZen DogTread Motorized Exercise Treadmill

If you want to exercise your dog but have things to do, why don't you just hire a dog walker? I'm sure your dog will enjoy it much more than this gadget.

If you want to exercise your dog but have things to do, why don’t you just hire a dog walker? I’m sure your dog will enjoy it much more than this gadget.

9. Doggie Bjorn

Just because your pup may be your baby, doesn't mean you have to treat it like one, especially outside. Seriously, just get a leash for God's sake and don't worry about it dirtying its paws.

Just because your pup may be your baby, doesn’t mean you have to treat it like one, especially outside. Seriously, just get a leash for God’s sake and don’t worry about it dirtying its paws.

10. Woof Brew

Now I've heard of little girls dressing their dogs for tea time with their toys. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, does Elizabeth II have dog tea for her corgis? No, and neither should you.

Now I’ve heard of little girls dressing their dogs for tea time with their toys. But this is ridiculous. Seriously, does Elizabeth II have dog tea for her corgis? No, and neither should you.

11. Dog Thongs

It also functions as a doggy diaper as well, which is said to absorb odors from farts (and dog farts really do stink). But still, would any sane dog owner want to subject their pooch to such humiliation? Does it come with a tramp stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity to make out with frat boys?

It also functions as a doggy diaper as well, which is said to absorb odors from farts (and dog farts really do stink). But still, would any sane dog owner want to subject their pooch to such humiliation? Does it come with a tramp stamp butterfly tattoo and a propensity to make out with frat boys?

12. Premier Feather Tether Bird Harness

Now your feathered friend can enjoy the great outdoors without flying away with this bird harness. If your bird needs exercise, why don't you just let it fly around the house (with the doors closed of course)?

Now your feathered friend can enjoy the great outdoors without flying away with this bird harness. If your bird needs exercise, why don’t you just let it fly around the house (with the doors closed of course)?

13. Pet Paint

Sure your want your pet to get noticed in bright colors, but it will also make your dog look like a complete idiot and hate you. Of course, there's pet dyeing which is popular in China, but that trend is considered animal abuse by veterinarians in America.

Sure your want your pet to get noticed in bright colors, but it will also make your dog look like a complete idiot and hate you. Of course, there’s pet dyeing which is popular in China, but that trend is considered animal abuse by veterinarians in America.

14. PetZoom Pet Park Dog Potty Mat

Now I'm sure having your dog do its business on artificial turf is a great idea. Then again, I wouldn't know because I live in the country, where nature serves as a dog's toilet.

Now I’m sure having your dog do its business on artificial turf is a great idea. Then again, I wouldn’t know because I live in the country, where nature serves as a dog’s toilet.

15. Pup Poop Tent

Yes, this is a pup tent for your dog. For pooping. As if your dog really cares about privacy when nature calls, which is just a pile of dogshit. Seriously, dogs pee and take dumps in front of each other. They don't give a shit about privacy for God's sake, even in crappy weather.

Yes, this is a pup tent for your dog. For pooping. As if your dog really cares about privacy when nature calls, which is just a pile of dogshit. Seriously, dogs pee and take dumps in front of each other. They certainly don’t care if you have to watch them. Seriously, if they can poop somewhere and get away with it, they will and they don’t care if you have to watch.

16. Birdhouse Spy Cam Hawk Eye Miniature Nature Cam for Wildlife Viewing

Sure this product has nothing to do with pets, but still, I can just as easily watch birds in a nest in my backyard if I want to. I'm not a nature cinematographer so why would I need a bird house equipped with a surveillance camera?

Sure this product has nothing to do with pets, but still, I can just as easily watch birds in a nest in my backyard if I want to. I’m not a nature cinematographer so why would I need a bird house equipped with a surveillance camera?

17. Bowlingual & Meowlingual, Cat & Dog Translators

You know how the dogs had those translators from Up. Well, they don't work quite like that but Japan has managed to make devices like these. Yeah, kind of makes me disappointed.

You know how the dogs had those translators from Up. Well, they don’t work quite like that but Japan has managed to make devices like these. Yeah, kind of makes me disappointed.

18. The Cat Scratch DJ Table

This is the kind of cat toy that was probably invented by someone who's seen way too many cat videos on YouTube. Yes. DJ Muffenmits is in da house!

This is the kind of cat toy that was probably invented by someone who’s seen way too many cat videos on YouTube. Yes. DJ Muffenmits is in da house!

19. Inflatable Cat Unicorn Horn.

Now all we need is to color it with some pet spray paint and your cat is sure to hate you forever. Seems to be seething with rage already.

Now all we need is to color it with some pet spray paint and your cat is sure to hate you forever. Seems to be seething with rage already.

20. Yoga Cat Mat

Now I may not know much about cats as I do about dogs. But how exactly does a cat do yoga? Seriously, I really want to know how that works. I mean they have cat yoga mats.

Now I may not know much about cats as I do about dogs. But how exactly does a cat do yoga? Seriously, I really want to know how that works. I mean they have cat yoga mats.

21. Dog Camper Van

You know most campgrounds don't allow pets. So why would anyone in their right mind would dump $800 on this? Seriously, why?

You know most campgrounds don’t allow pets. So why would anyone in their right mind would dump $800 on this? Seriously, why?

22. Thundershirt

Basically this is meant to control your pet's anxiety, by basically crushing them until they stop whining. Well, if you buy one of those, you're basically too lazy for a pet anyway.

Basically this is meant to control your pet’s anxiety, by basically crushing them until they stop whining. Well, if you buy one of those, you’re basically too lazy for a pet anyway.

23. The Dog-O-Matic Dog Washing Machine

Basically, this device is supposed to wash your dog so you don't have to. Of course, this also doubles as an animal torture device. Yes, I'm sure Fifi will now confess to eating the biscuits and never look forward to bath time again after this.

Basically, this device is supposed to wash your dog so you don’t have to. Of course, this also doubles as an animal torture device. Yes, I’m sure Fifi will now confess to eating the biscuits and never look forward to bath time again after this.

24. Cat Tunnel Sofa

Sure having a tunnel sofa for a cat might seem like a good idea. But imagine what a pain it would be to clean the thing. You're probably better off with a regular couch.

Sure having a tunnel sofa for a cat might seem like a good idea. But imagine what a pain it would be to clean the thing. You’re probably better off with a regular couch.

25. “Fluo-Can” Fluorescent Dog Biscuits

Now would you eat food that glows in the dark? No, because you'd find it freaky and suspect it having radiation. So why would you want to feed your dog glow in the dark biscuits? Seriously, why?

Now would you eat food that glows in the dark? No, because you’d find it freaky and suspect it having radiation. So why would you want to feed your dog glow in the dark biscuits? Seriously, why?

26. Pet Jewelry

Now in a country where there are thousands of people starving and dogs wishing for warm homes in animal shelters, some Pepe la Poodle is sporting a Tiffany necklace and Swarovski pet hair clips, costing more than my house. Seriously, all that pet jewelry does is make their owners look like the rich, greedy jerks they are.

Now in a country where there are thousands of people starving and dogs wishing for warm homes in animal shelters, some Pepe la Poodle is sporting a Tiffany necklace and Swarovski pet hair clips, costing more than my house. Seriously, all that pet jewelry does is make their owners look like the rich, greedy jerks they are.

27. Dog Wine

And I thought dog beer was stupid. Now they have dog wine. If you feel like you need to spend a candlelight and wine dinner with your dog, what does that say about you? Of course, vintages consist of Pinot Tail-io, Bark-deaux, Char-Dog-Nay and Grr-lot.

And I thought dog beer was stupid. Now they have dog wine. If you feel like you need to spend a candlelight and wine dinner with your dog, what does that say about you? Of course, vintages consist of Pinot Tail-io, Bark-deaux, Char-Dog-Nay and Grr-lot.

28. Bacon Bubble Machine

Sure you might want to blow bubbles with your dog. Yet, bacon scented bubbles will just give your dog false hope for bacon. Seriously, it's just cruel.

Sure you might want to blow bubbles with your dog. Yet, bacon scented bubbles will just give your dog false hope for bacon. Seriously, it’s just cruel.

29. Luxury Dog House

Jesus Christ, the pooch who lives here seems to have it much better than I do. Seriously, there are people who don't live as good as this. For God's sake, dogs really don't need all that.

Jesus Christ, the pooch who lives here seems to have it much better than I do. Seriously, there are people who don’t live as good as this. For God’s sake, dogs really don’t need all that.

30. Airpress O2

Do you and your dog live in China? If not, then I'd hold on to your 2 million yen if I were you. Seriously, oxygen bars for people are just a past fad back who knows when. So I'm not sure why you should subject your dog to the same treatment.

Do you and your dog live in China? If not, then I’d hold on to your 2 million yen if I were you. Seriously, oxygen bars for people are just a past fad back who knows when. So I’m not sure why you should subject your dog to the same treatment.

31. Cat Bib

This is supposed to keep your cat from hunting birds. Effective? I wouldn't bet on it. Humiliating? I'll say.

This is supposed to keep your cat from hunting birds. Effective? I wouldn’t bet on it. Humiliating? I’ll say.

32. Designer Pet Clothes

And to think designer children's clothing was ridiculous enough. Seriously, dogs and cats don't need clothes most of the time for God's sake. Stick with a child's old sweater or a ripped T-shirt instead.

And to think designer children’s clothing was ridiculous enough. Seriously, dogs and cats don’t need clothes most of the time for God’s sake. Stick with a child’s old sweater or a ripped T-shirt instead.

33. Pet Master PDA

Sure it might be convenient such as organizing your pet's schedule. But it might make you wonder who's the real master in your and your pet's relationship.

Sure it might be convenient such as organizing your pet’s schedule. But it might make you wonder who’s the real master in your and your pet’s relationship.

34. Pet Pavilion

For those who think a perfect pet setting is an incubator reserved for scientific experiments. That, or a critter Intensive Care Unit. Seriously, if your little dog is sick, just take it to a vet and spare the $10,000.

For those who think a perfect pet setting is an incubator reserved for scientific experiments. That, or a critter Intensive Care Unit. Seriously, if your little dog is sick, just take it to a vet and spare the $10,000.

35. Litter Kwitter

Tired of cleaning litter boxes? Wanting to potty train your cat? Well, say hello to Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System. As with getting your cat to use it, well, good luck with that.

Tired of cleaning litter boxes? Wanting to potty train your cat? Well, say hello to Litter Kwitter Cat Toilet Training System. As with getting your cat to use it, well, good luck with that.

36. Goldfish Walker

If you think your goldfish needs some space, why don't you just buy a bigger tank for God's sake? Seriously, goldfish only live for a few years at the most and swim in the water most of the time. As to why anyone would feel the need for a goldfish walker is beyond me.

If you think your goldfish needs some space, why don’t you just buy a bigger tank for God’s sake? Seriously, goldfish only live for a few years at the most and swim in the water most of the time. As to why anyone would feel the need for a goldfish walker is beyond me.

37. Kitty Wigs

Now I'm sure Kitty here really isn't appreciating this photo op. Seriously, pets aren't dolls, people! Would you want someone to put a funky wig on you? Of course, not!

Now I’m sure Kitty here really isn’t appreciating this photo op. Seriously, pets aren’t dolls, people! Would you want someone to put a funky wig on you? Of course, not!

38. Frosty Paws Ice Cream

Dog ice cream? Seriously?  Do you think dogs go for that? Please, just spend that money on dog treats, bacon, and steak. I mean dogs are more likely to look forward to leftover dinner scraps than this.

Dog ice cream? Seriously? Do you think dogs go for that? Please, just spend that money on dog treats, bacon, and steak. I mean dogs are more likely to look forward to leftover dinner scraps than this.

39. Kong Stuff’n Paste

Basically this is doggie Cheez-Whiz, which you can put in your dog's Kong toy. Yes, your dog might go nuts for it but how about when the meaty chunks fester in the Kong toy creating bacteria? Yeah, that would be a bitch to clean up.

Basically this is doggie Cheez-Whiz, which you can put in your dog’s Kong toy. Yes, your dog might go nuts for it but how about when the meaty chunks fester in the Kong toy creating bacteria? Yeah, that would be a bitch to clean up.

40. Neuticles

These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to neuter Rocko and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.

These are silicon testicular implants for the male dogs whose naughty bits have been snipped by the vet so to speak. If you wish to have Rocko neutered and your spouse is against the idea, then these are for you.

41. Katio

Now this is a contraption that creates an outdoor patio for your cat. Install it like you would an air conditioner. Then again, you're probably better off putting an air conditioner through your window than this thing.

Now this is a contraption that creates an outdoor patio for your cat. Install it like you would an air conditioner. Then again, you’re probably better off putting an air conditioner through your window than this thing.

42. Designer Dog Handbag

Yes, I'm sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian. Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.

Yes, I’m sure your dog has a deep burning desire to imitate Kim Kardashian (sarcasm). Of course, why your pooch would need a fancy schmancy Park Avenue purse is beyond me.

43. Nail Pawlish

For the owner who wants to put the

For the owner who wants to put the “pet” in pedicure. Sure this will make your pet’s claws look pretty. But I wonder how the owners would fare after being mauled by their technicolor clawed animals.

44. Pet Chime

Yes, barking and scratching are really annoying. But forcing your dog to quietly ring the doorbell if it wants to go outside, are you kidding me? Just let it be a dog for God's sake.

Yes, barking and scratching are really annoying. But forcing your dog to quietly ring the doorbell if it wants to go outside, are you kidding me? Just let it be a dog for God’s sake.

45. Pet Corrector

This

This “ear bleeding bull horn” is a way to terrify your pet into hating you as you sound the thing when it barks unexpectedly. Yeah, trying to instill doggie discipline through that thing makes it want to rip your legs off.

46. Healthlab Digital Body Fat Scale

I'm well aware that many dogs suffer from obesity, but still do you really need this? If your dog is overweight, your vet will tell you. Otherwise, just give it plenty of exercise and keep it off junk food.

I’m well aware that many dogs suffer from obesity, but still do you really need this? If your dog is overweight, your vet will tell you. Otherwise, just give it plenty of exercise and keep it off junk food.

47. Pooch Pants

Basically it's a dog diaper. Yeah, make it crap the shit out so you'd have to clean dried poop from its rear end. Still, it's machine washable if you're wondering.

Basically it’s a dog diaper. Yeah, make it crap the shit out so you’d have to clean dried poop from its rear end. Still, it’s machine washable if you’re wondering.

48. Pet Sweep

And I thought the Slipper Genie was bad. Sure it would be nice for Old Yeller to do some chores around the house. But put these on him and he's certain to secretly plan to kill his lazy ass owner on the couch.

And I thought the Slipper Genie was bad. Sure it would be nice for Old Yeller to do some chores around the house. But put these on him and he’s certain to secretly plan to kill his lazy ass owner on the couch.

49. Cat Wheel

It's like a hamster wheel, except that it's huge and serves no real purpose. Seriously, it's said you have to distract your cat with a cat toy to get it in this thing. Yeah, $100 isn't worth it.

It’s like a hamster wheel, except that it’s huge and serves no real purpose. Seriously, it’s said you have to distract your cat with a cat toy to get it in this thing. Yeah, $100 isn’t worth it.

50. Poop Trap

This is supposed to transfer the responsibility of cleanup from the owner to the dog. Of course, it also subjects the dog to walks of humiliation with no way to recapture its dignity. Seriously, I can't imagine what happens if the bag breaks.

This is supposed to transfer the responsibility of cleanup from the owner to the dog. Of course, it also subjects the dog to walks of humiliation with no way to recapture its dignity. Seriously, I can’t imagine what happens if the bag breaks.

51. Pet High Chair

Nothing makes your dog able to eat at the table than a chair that makes it completely immobilized. Yes, it's supposed to promote

Nothing makes your dog able to eat at the table than a chair that makes it completely immobilized. Yes, it’s supposed to promote “refined behavior” but I’m sure it will suffer an occasional bout of panicked urination.

52. Rear Gear Butt Ornaments

For those who can't stand the sight of a dog's rear end, there's a cover for that, folks. Seriously, can't you just let a dog be a dog for God's sake. Certainly dog's deserved to be spared from such indignities that make other dogs laugh with them (as well as people).

For those who can’t stand the sight of a dog’s rear end, there’s a cover for that, folks. Seriously, can’t you just let a dog be a dog for God’s sake. Certainly dog’s deserved to be spared from such indignities that make other dogs laugh with them (as well as people).

53. PetsCell

To be fair, this would be great for your dog if you live in a really bad neighborhood or next to Cruella DeVil. I mean it's a way to call your pet while you're away from home. Imagine all the one sided conversations you two will have.

To be fair, this would be great for your dog if you live in a really bad neighborhood or next to Cruella DeVil. I mean it’s a way to call your pet while you’re away from home. Imagine all the one sided conversations you two will have.

54. Doggles

Yeah, I'm sure Buddy wants to be seen at the beach with those embarrassing Doggles. Not. Other than that, there's no other way how to convey the stupidity pertaining to this product.

Yeah, I’m sure Buddy wants to be seen at the beach with those embarrassing Doggles. Not. Other than that, there’s no other way how to convey the stupidity pertaining to this product.

55. Pet Stroller

You may see your pet as your precious baby, but they aren't children nor should be treated as such. Also, I'm sure your precious Brichon Frise could certainly walk on its own. Seriously, no pet wants to go to the park pushed on a stroller.

You may see your pet as your precious baby, but they aren’t children nor should be treated as such. Also, I’m sure your precious Brichon Frise could certainly walk on its own. Seriously, no sane pet wants to go to the park pushed on a stroller.

56. Poop Freeze

After your dog poops, just spray it with this stuff before picking it up. Of course, what's even more fun than Poop Freeze? Basically having your dog poop in the yard and doing nothing about it.

After your dog poops, just spray it with this stuff before picking it up. Of course, what’s even more fun than Poop Freeze? Basically having your dog poop in the yard and doing nothing about it.

57. Croc Cat Bed

Sure cats need beds. But I don't know if a supersized croc bed really cuts it. Seriously, it just looks stupid like those shoes.

Sure cats need beds. But I don’t know if a supersized croc bed really cuts it. Seriously, it just looks stupid like those shoes.

58. “Hot Doll” Sex Toy for Dogs

Finally, the kind of toy for your dog to hump with. Of course, horny dogs basically hump on anything that moves if they can get away with it. So I don't why a dog sex toy is necessary.

Finally, the kind of toy for your dog to hump with. Of course, horny dogs basically hump on anything that moves if they can get away with it. So I don’t why a dog sex toy is necessary.

59. People Crackers for Dogs

Sure people enjoy animal crackers. So why shouldn't dogs have People crackers? Of course, they only come with mailman as far as I know.

Sure people enjoy animal crackers. So why shouldn’t dogs have People crackers? Of course, they only come with mailman as far as I know.

60. Fur Coat for Dogs

Seriously, dogs already come equipped with a fur coat from the time they're born. So why would anyone want to spend so much money on a doggie fur coat is mind boggling to me.

Seriously, dogs already come equipped with a fur coat from the time they’re born. So why would anyone want to spend so much money on a doggie fur coat is mind boggling to me.

61. Backyard Cat

This contraption is supposed to throw your kitty off balance if it should try to jump over the fence. Yeah, it's one of those outdoor torture devices you hear about. It's like attaching a cinder block to a toddler.

This contraption is supposed to throw your kitty off balance if it should try to jump over the fence. Yeah, it’s one of those outdoor torture devices you hear about. It’s like attaching a cinder block to a toddler.

62. Pet Peek

For the dog who wants to be at the other side of the fence, do you think it's helpful for making it see how the grass is greener? As your dog looks into the neighbor's yard, he will endure a lot of humiliation as it secretly plots revenge. Seriously, isn't this kind of tortuous?

For the dog who wants to be at the other side of the fence, do you think it’s helpful for making it see how the grass is greener? As your dog looks into the neighbor’s yard, he will endure a lot of humiliation as it secretly plots revenge. Seriously, isn’t this kind of tortuous?

63. Pet Digital Camera

Now this camera allows to see what your pet sees. Unfortunately, it results in a bunch of blurry shots of food bowls, floors, and other pets' behinds.

Now this camera allows to see what your pet sees. Unfortunately, it results in a bunch of blurry shots of food bowls, floors, and other pets’ behinds.

64. Puppy Tweets

This is supposed to translate your dog's activities into tweets. Now this begs the question: Who the hell sets up a Twitter account for their dog? Besides, they already have a way of social networking with other dogs. It's called pee.

This is supposed to translate your dog’s activities into tweets. Now this begs the question: Who the hell sets up a Twitter account for their dog? Besides, they already have a way of social networking with other dogs. It’s called pee.

65. “Sexy Beast” Dog Perfume

Now I've seen quite a few pet perfumes out there. However, they basically mess with your dog's senses. To them, dog perfume is basically an equivalent of you being forced to carry a large boombox around because the deaf caretakers didn't like the sound. And

Now I’ve seen quite a few pet perfumes out there. However, they basically mess with your dog’s senses. To them, dog perfume is basically an equivalent of you being forced to carry a large boombox around because the deaf caretakers didn’t like the sound. And “Sexy Beast” really?

66. Snake Walker

Yes, why not take your snake for a walk? now they could slither and frighten the living crap out of everyone in the neighborhood. And this is one of the early stupid pet products.

Yes, why not take your snake for a walk? now they could slither and frighten the living crap out of everyone in the neighborhood. And this is one of the early stupid pet products.

67. Dog Snuggie

Now a snuggie for people is one thing. But this is just insane. Seriously, if you're worried about your dog being cold and wet, just remember they're already equipped with an insulating material keeping them warm and dry. It's called fur.

Now a snuggie for people is one thing. But this is just insane. Seriously, if you’re worried about your dog being cold and wet, just remember they’re already equipped with an insulating material keeping them warm and dry. It’s called fur.

68. Turd Burglar

Now when your dog takes a dump, you can fling its shit at anyone or anything. Practice your golf game and hockey aim while making your dog's poo, your neighbor's problem.

Now when your dog takes a dump, you can fling its shit at anyone or anything. Practice your golf game and hockey aim while making your dog’s poo, your neighbor’s problem.

69. Cat Wine

If you think alcoholic drinks were just for dogs, you were wrong. Now the Japanese have come up with cat wine. Now the cats from the crazy cat lady's house can dine in style.

If you think alcoholic drinks were just for dogs, you were wrong. Now the Japanese have come up with cat wine. Now the cats from the crazy cat lady’s house can dine in style.

70. Pooch Pedometer

Now watching your weight is one thing. Watching your dog's weight? I don't know. Seriously, why does a thing like this even exist? From Japan.

Now watching your weight is one thing. Watching your dog’s weight? I don’t know. Seriously, why does a thing like this even exist? From Japan.

71. “Kitty Ditties, Cat Ballads, and Feline Airs”

Basically, this is music for cats you can get off iTunes. Such songs are supposed to convey the mood of your feline listener. Lord only knows what kinds of music cats actually enjoy.

Basically, this is music for cats you can get off iTunes. Such songs are supposed to convey the mood of your feline listener. Lord only knows what kinds of music cats actually enjoy.

72. Pupcasso Paint Kit for Dogs

Basically this kit allows your dog to express its creative side. Just have it dip their paws in and stomp on the white paper. But if they get paint all over the floor, don't blame me.

Basically this kit allows your dog to express its creative side. Just have it dip their paws in and stomp on the white paper. But if they get paint all over the floor, don’t blame me.

73. Pet Sweat

It's a fitness energy drink for pets. No, that's no mistranslation from Japanese. But why they thought pets needed a fitness drink is beyond me.

It’s a fitness energy drink for pets. No, that’s no mistranslation from Japanese. But why they thought pets needed a fitness drink is beyond me.

74.Swarovski Crystal Dog Sneakers

Seriously, your dog or cat can do just fine walking without shoes. I mean cats and dogs have been doing that for centuries. So why do we have sneakers for them?

Seriously, your dog or cat can do just fine walking without shoes. I mean cats and dogs have been doing that for centuries. So why do we have sneakers for them?

75. Fauna Sauna The Fauna Sauna Pro – Radiant Heat Panel for Pets

This object uses infared rays to heat your pet directly in front of the device. Doesn't have UV rays. Probably expensive as hell. Also comes as a bed.

This object uses infared rays to heat your pet directly in front of the device. Doesn’t have UV rays. Probably expensive as hell. Also comes as a bed.

76. Swarovski Cat Flap

Now having a cat flap is understandable. Having a cat flap encrusted with diamonds? Seriously, that's just insane. Surely your cat is fine with a regular rubber flap at the front door.

Now having a cat flap is understandable. Having a cat flap encrusted with diamonds? Seriously, that’s just insane. Surely your cat is fine with a regular rubber flap at the front door.

77. Wedding Chapel Dog House

If you think dumping tons of money for a wedding chapel is ridiculous, a dog wedding chapel? Seriously, dog weddings? Now that's just crazy. Dogs don't get married! So why they'd have weddings is beyond me.

If you think dumping tons of money for a wedding chapel is ridiculous, a dog wedding chapel? Seriously, dog weddings? Now that’s just crazy. Dogs don’t get married! So why they’d have weddings is beyond me.

78. Leopard Lace Dog Bra Chew Toy

I'm sure this was originally invented for one of Paris Hilton's stupid little lap dogs. Hey, it might make your guests a little uncomfortable but at least it's not you're going to wear this one.

I’m sure this was originally invented for one of Paris Hilton’s stupid little lap dogs. Hey, it might make your guests a little uncomfortable but at least it’s not you’re going to wear this one.

79. Diamond Dog Collar

Basically putting one of these things can show that you're rich enough to spoil your pet and have it wear jewelry. Diamond dog collars can be as much as $3 million but your dog is just as likely to chew it to pieces. Better to spend that much on a pile of bones.

Basically putting one of these things can show that you’re rich enough to spoil your pet and have it wear jewelry. Diamond dog collars can be as much as $3 million but your dog is just as likely to chew it to pieces. Better to spend that much on a pile of bones.

80. Feline Tiara

Yes, you want Precious Purfect to look like a princess. But please, put one of these on her, and you'll probably have to sleep with one eye open if it ever stays on. Might be useful for a cat beauty pageant, if one ever exists.

Yes, you want Precious Purfect to look like a princess. But please, put one of these on her, and you’ll probably have to sleep with one eye open if it ever stays on. Might be useful for a cat beauty pageant, if one ever exists.

Congratulations on Your Graduation Cake!

graduation-blue-bow-lg

While prom is a season many high schoolers look forward to in the spring, afterwards May and June are graduation season. It is a time when high school and college seniors among others gather around to finish their education with a ceremonious commencement ceremony in their cap and gowns before they embark on a hellish world of the job market and adulthood (save for those about to embark college). Sure you may have to say goodbye to friends, many of which you’ll never see again, but I’m sure your degree will guarantee you independence as well as an incentive to pay your student loans, right? Now we all know how graduation ceremonies are marked with speakers, “Pomp and Circumstance,” speeches, and all that. Of course, in families with a new graduate, this rite of passage is marked by a celebration with a cake, if you live in America. Now I can go on and on about nice graduation cakes, but many of you will think it boring. So instead I’ll give you cakes possibly decorated by someone who flunked out of cake decorating school. Yes, you’d wonder about the education these makers received to decorate cakes like this. So without further adieu, here are a collection of graduation confections gone catastrophic.

1. I bet Ashley from 2009 was either a chemistry or biology major. Congrads!

I hope she enjoys her cake with urine/beer on it. Either way, someone is going to get pissed. Also, I really don't want to know what's in the test tube.

I hope she enjoys her cake with urine/beer on it. Either way, someone is going to get pissed. Also, I really don’t want to know what’s in the test tube.

2. Congratulations, Ryan, for stopping on being a disappointment. Now was it that hard?

I have to wonder what kind of relationship Ryan has with his parents. Of course, his folks will probably be disappointed in him once more when he fails to get a job other than as a waiter at Red Lobster.

I have to wonder what kind of relationship Ryan has with his parents. Of course, his folks will probably be disappointed in him once more when he fails to get a job other than as a waiter at Red Lobster.

3. Congratulations on your MBA, Desiree, from the guy on the Dummies books.

Well, I'm sure these Dummies books aren't that bad. However, I'm not sure if I want to have a graduation cake of one. Might have unfortunate implications.

Well, I’m sure these Dummies books aren’t that bad. However, I’m not sure if I want to have a graduation cake of one. Might have unfortunate implications.

4. Congratulations, on completing your nursing degree, Nicole. Stick it to ’em, girl!

Of course, when it comes to sticking thermometers in rear ends, this is pretty mild in comparison. Still, I wonder what kind of cakes they had for her brothers, an ob/gyn and a urologist respectively.

Of course, when it comes to sticking thermometers in rear ends, this is pretty mild in comparison to what real nurses have to deal with in the hospital. Still, I wonder what my nursing school cousin would think about this.

5. Congratulations, Tiffany, Class of 2009. Here’s an ipod cake with an Eminem album.

Now while I have no problem with Eminem, this album really makes this graduation cake rather depressing. It's as if Tiffany's future is going to be rather bleak and depressing.

Now while I have no problem with Eminem, this album really makes this graduation cake rather depressing. It’s as if Tiffany’s future is going to be rather bleak and depressing.

6. “The tossel was worn with the hostle!” What?

While Abby may be a graduate, the cake decorator's strong suit certainly wasn't in spelling, reading, or English. Seriously, this is bound to give English teachers nightmares.

While Abby may be a graduate, the cake decorator’s strong suit certainly wasn’t in spelling, reading, or English. Seriously, this is bound to give English teachers nightmares.

7. Congratulations, valid Victorian!

From Cake Wrecks: "Prithee, lord Westerbunkle, wouldst thou care for a celebratory spot of Earl Grey?" Yeah, this is the kind of graduation cake for someone who loves Steampunk.

From Cake Wrecks: “Prithee, lord Westerbunkle, wouldst thou care for a celebratory spot of Earl Grey?” Yeah, this is the kind of graduation cake for someone who loves Steampunk.

8. When it comes to putting initials on graduation cakes, you might want to wonder if they have any unfortunate context.

When I see KKK, I think about white supremacy, racism, lynching, scary white robes, Birth of a Nation, cross burnings, and racially motivated terrorism. Not, "Good Luck!," "Live, Laugh, and Love," "Dream Big," and "We are so Proud!" Seriously, why?

When I see KKK, I think about white supremacy, racism, lynching, scary white robes, Birth of a Nation, cross burnings, and racially motivated terrorism. Not, “Good Luck!,” “Live, Laugh, and Love,” “Dream Big,” and “We are so Proud!” Seriously, why?

9. Congratulations on your graduation, here is your cap and…..diploma. Wait a minute, is that a severed finger?

Seriously, the diploma looks as like a severed finger with a ribbon tied on it. Apparently, someone is very bad at drawing a scroll or forgot to put a swirl on the top just so it doesn't horrify us.

Seriously, the diploma looks as like a severed finger with a ribbon tied on it. Apparently, someone is very bad at drawing a scroll or forgot to put a swirl on the top just so it doesn’t horrify us.

10. Congratulations, but just the fax, ma’am.

Interesting how some decorators tend to inscribe their cakes with everything they seem to hear on the phone. Seriously, I wonder what the graduate would think seeing this on a cake for their party.

Interesting how some decorators tend to inscribe their cakes with everything they seem to hear on the phone. Seriously, I wonder what the graduate would think seeing this on a cake for their party.

11. Congratulations, class of 2012, hope some ass doesn’t try to piss you off.

From Cake Wrecks: "In 2012 bakers broadened their horizons by combining the fine art of Dali-esque surrealism with a post-modern monochromatic aesthetic: I call it, "Tar Donkey Butt-Peeing."" Seriously, it really does look like that.

From Cake Wrecks: “In 2012 bakers broadened their horizons by combining the fine art of Dali-esque surrealism with a post-modern monochromatic aesthetic: I call it, “Tar Donkey Butt-Peeing.”” Seriously, it really does look like that.

12. Hats off, class of 2009!

I didn't know that grad caps came with ear flaps. Since I didn't have grad caps that came with those back in 2008 or 2012. Must be a Canadian thing.

I didn’t know that grad caps came with ear flaps. Since I didn’t have grad caps that came with those back in 2008 or 2012. Must be a Canadian thing.

13. Congratulations, Olivia. Hope you passed with flying colors.

I sure don't want to know what this unicorn passed with flying colors. Looks like the rainbow is coming out of its rear end, which makes a rather disgusting connection between rainbows and unicorns.

I sure don’t want to know what this unicorn passed with flying colors. Looks like the rainbow is coming out of its rear end, which makes a rather disgusting connection between rainbows and unicorns.

14. Congratulations, Chris, have a Crown Royal!

Just make sure you're not posting any drunk photos on Facebook. Because employers do check your social network pages. And posting wasted pictures can deny you a job.

Just make sure you’re not posting any drunk photos on Facebook. Because employers do check your social network pages. And posting wasted pictures can deny you a job.

15. Congratulations, and let’s hope the zombie apocalypse isn’t coming any time soon.

Yeah, your brain is worth $30,000. Your college education would be a waste if zombies ate you or went after you for your brains.

Yeah, your brain is worth $30,000. Your college education would be a waste if zombies ate you or went after you for your brains.

16. Congratulations, from the Cthulhu School of Necronomic Evil, Oblivion, and World Domination.

Yeah, I'm sure little children won't get the reference on this cake. Still, not sure if it's appropriate for graduation.

Yeah, I’m sure little children won’t get the reference on this cake. Still, not sure if it’s appropriate for graduation.

17. Congratulations, have a cold one.

Now I have to admire how they used Bud Light beer cans and ice for this cake as a cooler. Still, let's hope it's for college graduation, please.

Now I have to admire how they used Bud Light beer cans and ice for this cake as a cooler. Still, let’s hope it’s for college graduation, please.

18. Congratulations on your graduation, Mr. Jason Tibbles!

Sure this is a graduation cake with LOLcats, but still, it's quite funny having a cat picture on a graduation cake. Nevertheless, I hope Mr. Tibbles didn't overdo on the catnip with his Alpha Theta Meow fraternity brothers.

Sure this is a graduation cake with LOLcats, but still, it’s quite funny having a cat picture on a graduation cake. Nevertheless, I hope Mr. Tibbles didn’t overdo on the catnip with his Alpha Theta Meow fraternity brothers.

19. Congratulations, Christina in the banner. Wait, what?

I'm sure this is another cake decorator who takes things too literally. Also, probably sucked at reading comprehension, listening, and following directions.

I’m sure this is another cake decorator who takes things too literally. Also, probably sucked at reading comprehension, listening, and following directions.

20. Congratulations, class of 2009 from frog licking traffic sign.

Yes, it's supposed to be a graduation cap. But it looks like a sign you'd see on the Interstate during roadwork season after school is out. At least if you live in Pennsylvania.

Yes, it’s supposed to be a graduation cap. But it looks like a sign you’d see on the Interstate during roadwork season followed by a group of guys from PennDOT. At least if you live in Pennsylvania.

21. In higher education, time loses all meaning.

Either that, or having a cake with word salad this bad probably means that the decorator at Wal Mart should be fired.

Either that, or having a cake with word salad this bad probably means that the decorator at Wal Mart should be fired.

22. Congratulations, Crystal. By the way, use protection. Just an FYI.

Yeah, the tassel looks like a piece of litter, I'd see at the cemetery where I live. Assuming that some people think cemeteries are great spots Sunday afternoon tryst.

Yeah, the tassel looks like a piece of litter, I’d see at the cemetery where I live. Assuming that some people think cemeteries are great spots Sunday afternoon tryst.

23. Class of 2007, rocks! Fireworks explosion.

Apparently, this decorator either couldn't draw fireworks with icing, or just took the directions too literally. Thus, adding lameness to a cake that could've been awesome.

Apparently, this decorator either couldn’t draw fireworks with icing, or just took the directions too literally. Thus, adding lameness to a cake that could’ve been awesome.

24. Congratulations, Torianne on your graduation. Great Gatsby!

Seriously, I'm not sure The Great Gatsby is the kind of book you put on a graduation cake. Seriously, it's a book about a guy who changes his whole identity and gets rich through bootlegging so he could win the heart of his ex-girlfriend who's already married with a kid. Also, decorator failed to follow directions.

Seriously, I’m not sure The Great Gatsby is the kind of book you put on a graduation cake. Seriously, it’s a book about a guy who changes his whole identity and gets rich through bootlegging so he could win the heart of his ex-girlfriend who’s already married with a kid. Also, decorator failed to follow directions.

25. Class of 2008: I want sprinkles!

Yeah, seems like another decorator flunked reading comprehension, listening, and following directions. I think this person wanted sprinkles on a cake, not the words, "I want sprinkles!"

Yeah, seems like another decorator flunked reading comprehension, listening, and following directions. I think this person wanted sprinkles on a cake, not the words, “I want sprinkles!”

26. Congratulations, on graduating medical school! Well, job done, Dr. Huskins!

Seems like this cake decorator has no understanding of English or that Yoda took a side job as a commercial cake decorator at Wal Mart.

Seems like this cake decorator has no understanding of English or that Yoda took a side job as a commercial cake decorator at Wal Mart.

27. Happy graduation day, from the evil blonde girl in the cap and gown.

Of course, she probably has a job lined up for her at her dad's company, no doubt. Still, this girl seems like she's hiding something sinister under her robes.

Of course, she probably has a job lined up for her at her dad’s company, no doubt. Still, this girl seems like she’s hiding something sinister under her robes.

28. Congrats, John ’08. Oh, no, that ain’t right.

Seems like the graduate is doing a really terrible thing to the school mascot. Now if I had cake like this at my grad party, let's say it wouldn't go well with my relatives with young children.

Seems like the graduate is doing a really terrible thing to the school mascot. Now if I had cake like this at my grad party, let’s say it wouldn’t go well with my relatives with young children.

29. Finally! Congratulations, Becky! Kick Ass!

Seriously, you'd think Becky's parents would have a less creepy photo of her from her childhood. Guess I was wrong. I mean this little girl in make up seems absolutely terrifying to me.

Seriously, you’d think Becky’s parents would have a less creepy photo of her from her childhood. Guess I was wrong. I mean this little girl in make up seems absolutely terrifying to me.

30. Congratulations! Wait, that’s supposed to be a cap, right?

To me, they resemble 2 overlapping boxes with a string on the top one. Guess this decorator seemed to fail art class in school.

To me, they resemble 2 overlapping boxes with a string on the top one. Guess this decorator seemed to fail art class in school.

31. Congratulations on your graduation from mortuary school, Jenny.

Sure a hearse cake might be appropriate for someone who graduated from a mortuary school and plans on being a funeral director. But it's still kind of disturbing.

Sure a hearse cake might be appropriate for someone who graduated from a mortuary school and plans on being a funeral director. But it’s still kind of disturbing.

32. Congratulations, from the pointed pencil.

For how yellow this pencil is, you'd almost mistake it for a banana. And you know what that means.

For how yellow this pencil is, you’d almost mistake it for a banana. Still, if it weren’t for the point, I would’ve mistook it for something else and let’s leave it at that.

33. Congratulations, Holly and Hannah from 2 cherries projectile vomiting on a picnic table.

Now that certainly doesn't look like a graduation cap to me. Besides, I need an old cherry pitter and a young cherry pitter.

Now that certainly doesn’t look like a graduation cap to me. Besides, I need an old cherry pitter and a young cherry pitter, please.

34. Congratulations, graduate and don’t forget your hood.

Either this person got graduation cap and hood mixed up or is a Star Wars fan. Well, I'm sure Galactic Senate guards have graduation ceremonies, too.

Either this person got graduation cap and hood mixed up or is a Star Wars fan. Well, I’m sure Galactic Senate guards have graduation ceremonies, too.

35. Here’s to you Class of 2009, and we hope you’ll meet your death as blood spattered innocents.

Man, melted icing sure can create gory effects, even when it's not needed. Seriously, that looks like blood and more suited for Halloween than graduation.

Man, melted icing sure can create gory effects, even when it’s not needed. Seriously, that looks like blood and more suited for Halloween than graduation.

36. For those grads wanting to put a stamp of their religious views, you might not want a cake from this bakery.

Communion, on your knees, seriously? That doesn't look good. Why can't the communion cake figures have the parishioner standing, for God's sake? I mean it would be way less creepier.

Communion on your knees, seriously? That doesn’t look good. Why can’t the communion cake figures have the parishioner standing, for God’s sake? I mean it would be way less creepier.

37. For those compelled to have a photo of their grad on a cake, either go wit the “boring” or the “greened silhouette” option.

This is also a great option for grads in the Witness Protection Program like mafia princesses, for instance. That or reformed gang bangers who've recently moved to another state.

This is also a great option for grads in the Witness Protection Program like mafia princesses, for instance. That or reformed gang bangers who’ve recently moved to another state.

38. For those who want to send their grad a heartfelt message, this is for you.

What the fuck would anyone buy a graduation cake like this? It looks like a stripper's backside for God's sake! Seriously, do these parents have any idea how inappropriate a cake like this is for graduation?

What the fuck would anyone buy a graduation cake like this? It looks like a stripper’s backside for God’s sake! Seriously, do these parents have any idea how inappropriate a cake like this is for graduation? I mean, why?

39. When it comes to sending a picture for your graduation cake, remember that some people are less tech savvy than others.

I'm sure this person seemed to put a photo of the whole file as if it came from a Wikipedia entry. Definitely not computer savvy at all. Decorator should be fired.

I’m sure this person seemed to put a photo of the whole file as if it came from a Wikipedia entry. Definitely not computer savvy at all. Decorator should be fired.

40. Congratulations, Class of 2009 of Whoville University.

Seriously, the diploma scroll looks like a Dr. Seuss hat and the confetti squiggles are incomprehensible. Seriously, that doesn't look like a scroll at all.

Seriously, the diploma scroll looks like a Dr. Seuss hat and the confetti squiggles are incomprehensible. Seriously, that doesn’t look like a scroll at all.

41. Don’t screw up, Julianne!

Of course, this great advice but is it really appropriate for a graduation cake? Seriously, either Julianne really doesn't care about her future or she's working on Wall Street.

Of course, this great advice but is it really appropriate for a graduation cake? Seriously, either Julianne really doesn’t care about her future or she’s working on Wall Street.

42. Congratulations, Laura, wait is that a cat on her head?

I think this one made the news. I think the family wanted a cap on this girl's head for her graduation cake. Guess there was some misunderstanding with the order.

I think this one made the news. I think the family wanted a cap on this girl’s head for her graduation cake. Guess there was some misunderstanding with the order.

43. Congratulations, Andrea. By the way, you’re going to die.

Sure some girls might major in medicine or have a thing with the macabre. But that doesn't mean you should put a skeleton on a graduation cake. I mean, that's just messed up.

Sure some girls might major in medicine or have a thing with the macabre. But that doesn’t mean you should put a skeleton on a graduation cake. I mean, that’s just messed up.

44. Congratulations, graduating to the Dark Side of the Force.

Now this just has to be one of the worst renditions of Darth Vader I've ever seen. Besides, the cap is way too small for him.

Now this just has to be one of the worst renditions of Darth Vader I’ve ever seen. Besides, the cap is way too small for him.

45. For those who thought the baby carrots shower cake was creepy, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Yes, here's a graduation cake of naked babies on carrots. But this time they have caps and diplomas. Talk about creepy if you know what I mean. Yes, this is the stuff of nightmares.

Yes, here’s a graduation cake of naked babies on carrots. But this time they have caps and diplomas. Talk about creepy if you know what I mean. Yes, this is the stuff of nightmares.

46. Congratulations, from the green I-Beam thingy.

This is: A. a green dog bone or chew toy, B. a green Corinthian column, C. a dumbell, or D. All of the above. Then again, I don't want to know.

This is: A. a green dog bone or chew toy, B. a green Corinthian column, C. a dumbell, or D. All of the above. Then again, I don’t want to know.

47. Congratulations, graduate, from the Doric column or the golden tornado.

Sure it's for people who like things a little twisted. But I'm don't want to run into something like that in Kansas. Yeah, that thing should just get the hell off my lawn!

Sure it’s for people who like things a little twisted. But I’m don’t want to run into something like that in Kansas. Yeah, that thing should just get the hell off my lawn!

48. Congratulations, by the way, flattened turtle says hello.

Now the shell seems a little flat but the turtle really doesn't seem to mind. Of course, this kind of disturbs me for some reason.

Now the shell seems a little flat but the turtle really doesn’t seem to mind. Of course, this kind of disturbs me for some reason.

49. Congratulations, Jason, all downloaded and ready for viewing.

I know this is supposed to be an equation and maybe done on purpose. But I'm not sure if the guy's relatives would get it. Rather, many would complain of why don't they just get a normal cake.

I know this is supposed to be an equation and maybe done on purpose. But I’m not sure if the guy’s relatives would get it. Rather, many would complain of why don’t they just get a normal cake.

50. So remember, when it comes to cake roses, black may not be it.

Sorry, but the black roses on this cake look like shit. And by "shit" I don't mean bad. I mean the roses actually look like shit.

Sorry, but the black roses on this cake look like shit. And by “shit” I don’t mean bad. I mean the roses actually look like shit. Oh, and one of the letters is wrong.

Fictional Health Conditions

Disclaimer: This only lists medical conditions you’d find in fiction which most likely bear no resemblance to real life whatsoever. So don’t take any of it as medical advice. Presidential aging is the notable exception since that’s derived from how US presidents age in office but live to be 90 years old.

Fatal and Severe Illness:

Sorry, but people who die of a serious illness don't look like that at all. Seriously, Bette Davis should look like absolute hell by this time in the movie.

Sorry, but people who die of a serious illness don’t look like that at all. Seriously, Bette Davis should look like absolute hell by this time in the movie. But this is what Ali McGraw’s Disease looks like.

Ali McGraw’s Disease-illness which causes the sufferer to become more beautiful as death approaches. Mostly tends to infect attractive young women with boyfriends, particularly in historical settings.

Incurable Cough of Death-symptom that signifies that a character has what will lead to weakness and manifest itself as a terminal illness. This is especially the case in a lot tuberculosis sufferers in 19th century literature and opera. Also the case when the sufferer coughs up blood.

La Boheme Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character is able to do an incredibly good solo as they are wasting away from a fatal respiratory illness.

Victorian Novel Disease-basically this pertains to a combination of Incurable Cough of Death and Ali McGraw’s Disease. Yet, while it’s terminal, it has no effect on the character’s beauty or their ability to perform. Still, while this illness slowly kills its sufferers, their proximity to the eternal will give them immense wisdom and insight and be never ending sources of advice and comfort to their loved ones. And when they finally slip away, those around them will smile through their tears and rejoice that their souls are now free from this shitty world. Mostly tends to inflict young women and teenage girls known to be always innocent and pure. This is especially the case for such women who have boyfriends or reside in 19th century literature or opera.

Soap Opera Disease-a vaguely defined chronic disease. Often exhibits vague symptoms as well as fatal, but can linger on for a very long time. Sometimes results in a lengthy coma and perhaps a radical change in the victim’s appearance in non-fatal variants. Yet, in most fatal cases, often manifests itself as Ali McGraw’s Disease in the later stages. Often infects characters in daytime soap operas, particularly women.

Childhood Cancer Syndrome-a symptom that makes a severely ill child’s sole existence in the story to tug at the audience’s heartstrings. Often immune to anything other than the disease that will eventually kill them (unless the writer wants to punch the audience’s guts). Sufferers often tend to be wise beyond their years as well as make athletes swear to win a game or match for them, never taking to mind the negative repercussions if they fail to do this. Mostly tends to manifest in children who haven’t hit puberty yet.

Tiny Tim Syndrome-a symptom similar to Childhood Cancer Syndrome in which a chronically ill child’s chief purpose is to inspire some rich jerk into changing his ways so the kid could receive the medical treatment their parents can’t afford.
Dramatic Heart Attack-a medical condition in which a character experiences a heart attack in a display of chest clutching dramatics.

Blood from the Mouth – a symptom is indicative that a character is bleeding internally and is either going to die or need serious medical attention.

Excessive Ortifice Bleeding – a medical condition in which a person has blood coming out from every ortifice all because the writers want a very gory death scene. Usually happens in horror movies and is almost always fatal. Sometimes caused by a psychic or supernatural force.

Convulsive Epilepsy – a medical condition in which a character has a seizure in which he or she loses complete control of their body. Symptoms include flailing arms, writhing on the ground or frothing at the mouth.

Retirony – a medical condition which a person’s odds of survival decline once he or she decides to leave their job or it becomes apparent their term of service will soon end.

Brain Fever – a sudden acute febrile illness brought on by stress or personal issues that results in severe attacks of insanity hallucinations, and delirium. Is sometimes fatal.

Big Guy Fatality Syndrome – a medical condition in which the biggest, strongest, and most massive sidekick is less likely to survive when the shit hits the fan.

Vasquez Syndrome – a medical condition in which a female’s increase in toughness and aggression decreases her odds of survival. Befalls secondary female characters who look too butch to be love interests to the hero, especially if they’re not white. Characters played by Michelle Rodriguez are particular targets.

Sudden Sweetheart Photo Death Syndrome– a medical condition in which a person’s chances dying dramatically increase the moment he or she shows a picture of his or her sweetheart back home. Most prominent in soldiers from WWII movies.

Black Guy Fatality Syndrome – a medical condition which decreases a black guy’s chances of survival if he’s the only black male in the group. Can only be prevented if he brings a male black friend. Most prominent in black males in slasher horror movies.

Plagues:

Remember, when the zombie plague hits, this infographic will come in handy. Seriously, the threat of zombie apocalypse is very real in the world of fiction, particularly science fiction.

Remember, when the zombie plague hits, this infographic will come in handy. Seriously, the threat of zombie apocalypse is very real in the world of fiction, particularly science fiction.

Sterility Plague- an incurable disease that infects a large population that renders practically all males and females of child bearing age, unable to reproduce (either inflicting infertility, impotence, or aversion to sex). Usually caused by biological warfare though can arise naturally. Most often appears in science fiction.

Hate Plague-an ailment infecting a large population that causes them to become incredibly disagreeable with each other. Sometimes has a tendency to lead to victims inflicting violence or killing each other. Usually inflicted by mysterious forces or bad guys.

Mystical Plague-a disease outbreak brought upon through the magical powers of a person, group, or creature, whether by accident or design. However, this doesn’t mean that its agents are always immune. Mostly prevalent in fantasy.

Synthetic Plague-a disease inflicted on a large population that was created by humans whether by manufacture or genetic engineering. Can originate by design as a biological weapon or an experiment gone wrong. Usually deadly and might result in people becoming zombies. Usually appears in science fiction post-apocalyptic genre and zombie media.

Radiation Plague-a type of Synthetic Plague that usually infects survivors of a nuclear explosion or meltdown. Usually leads to zombification.

Zombie Plague-plague that usually leads to zombification. Usually caused by a Synthetic Plague.

Bodily Functions:

Wiley E. Coyote may never get the Roadrunner, but he tends to be quite indestructible compared to the rest of us. Seriously, look at how much crap he has to go through with all his schemes literally blowing in his face.

Wiley E. Coyote may never get the Roadrunner, but he tends to be quite indestructible compared to the rest of us. Seriously, look at how much crap he has to go through with all his schemes literally blowing in his face.

Steel Eardrum- a medical condition in which the character doesn’t suffer hearing damage while in extremely noisy environments without any hearing protection. Most prevalent in war movies and action films.

Water Immunity-a medical condition which allows a character to drink water from any source regardless of whether it’s actually safe to drink.

Heat Resistant Skin-a medical condition in which a character is able to survive in excessively hot temperatures and settings such as a house being engulfed in catastrophic flames.

Explosive-Proof – a medical condition in which a character is able to survive an explosion in close proximity with nothing more than a blackened face, cough puff, or possibly singed eyebrows.

Smoke Filtering Lungs-a medical condition in which a character is able to inhale large amounts of smoke for long periods of time without suffering severe respiratory damage like lung cancer or death.

Large Bowel Syndrome- a medical condition in which a character doesn’t have to go to the bathroom and doesn’t show any signs of constipation, UTI, or IBS.

Strong SCUBA Lungs- a medical condition that allows the character to hold their breath underwater for more than a minute without any assistance from scuba gear.

Electric-Resistance – a medical condition in which a character survives being electrocuted with nothing more than falling over, soot, smoke, and messy hair, even if such episode makes his or her skeleton becomes visible through his or her skin. Happens a lot in cartoons.

Walter White Syndrome- a medical condition that in which a cancer stricken character loses their hair on their head while undergoing chemotherapy treatment, yet retains the rest of their body hair.

Tears of Blood – a medical condition in which a person cries bloody tears which might mean that they caught some deadly virus, are being killed by weird supernatural means, a vampire, or overcome with grief over a lost loved one.

Elastic Skeleton – a medical condition in which a person is able to have their bodies and limbs tied into knots.

Frozen Resistance– a medical condition in which a person can survive being frozen with no ill effects for a very long time other than being in hibernation before thawing out.

Encino Man Syndrome – a medical condition in which a person can survive freezing for years without suffering ill effects other than being in hibernation prior to thawing or signs of age without any explanation whatsoever.

Angst Coma – a condition in which a person falls into a coma or catatonic state due to personal issues. Can only be cured if they’re resolved.

Substances:

Acquiring an immunity to poison can come in handy in situations like this. In real life, trying to acquire an immunity to poison will certainly kill you.

Acquiring an immunity to poison can come in handy in situations like this. In real life, trying to acquire an immunity to poison will certainly kill you.

Acquired Poison Immunity-a medical condition in which a character becomes immune to a particular poison by regularly ingesting it in small doses over a period of time.

Unexplainable Poison Immunity –a medical condition in which a character can suck out the poison from his or her companion without experiencing ill effects.

Drug Immunity-a medical condition in which a character is immune to the effects of a certain substance.

Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome-a medical condition in which a person ingests certain substances to change personalities at will so they could engage in activities they’d otherwise be arrested for. Yet, will eventually result in the person losing control as the Hyde personality takes over.

Laxative Immunity-a medical condition in which a character only experiences loose bowels after being subject to a laxative prank (or pertaining to other related substances).

Prescribed Cold Turkey Syndrome-a medical condition in which going off prescribed medication doesn’t result in anything worse than a hungover like withdraw or a grudging admittance that the medication helped.

Fertility and Sex:

Of Laban's two daughters, Rachel will be Jacob's one true love and favorite wife he worked 14 years for. Leah, on the other hand, will be basically the unwanted wife Jacob was tricked into marrying but kept around because she has at least 7 kids to him while Rachel has 2. Poor, poor, Leah.

Of Laban’s two daughters, Rachel will be Jacob’s one true love and favorite wife he worked 14 years for. Leah, on the other hand, will be basically the unwanted wife Jacob was tricked into marrying but kept around because she has at least 7 kids to him while Rachel has 2. Poor, poor, Leah.

Inverse Fertility Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s desire for a biological child will drastically inhibit his or her ability to conceive one. Yet, it also increases the likelihood of characters in characters who don’t want kids, even if they’re diagnosed as sterile, using birth control, had a vasectomy, or are virgins. Can only be cured through in vitro fertilization, magic, possibly giving up trying or warming up to parenting, adoption, or divine intervention. Usually results in teen pregnancy whenever a teenage couple have sex, even the first time.

STD Immunity-a medical condition in which a character has a large number of sexual partner yet never shows any symptoms of any STDs. Mostly prevalent in action movies, fantasy, and science fiction. Usually present in male action heroes, particularly those with their own franchise.

Leah Syndrome-medical condition in which a character’s past or unwanted sexual partner is most likely the co-parent of their child. Usually affects reluctant polygamists, guys who want to get rid of their exes, women in abusive marriages, promiscuous single moms, and divorcees.

Inverse Paternity Syndrome-a condition in which somebody’s father is the guy everyone else in the cast doesn’t want him to be. A variant of Leah Syndrome solely pertaining to unknown paternity.

Downton Abbey Syndrome-a condition in which one party responsible for a child’s conception suddenly and tragically dies around its birth. Most of the time it’s the father, especially if the child was conceived when its parents weren’t married and/or in wartime. Ditto, if he kills over during the pregnancy. If it’s the mother, she’ll usually die in childbirth. Nevertheless, this usually befalls parents who haven’t conceived previously.

Sudden Unmarried Dad Death Syndrome – a condition in which an unmarried father or father to be tragically dies either during his baby mama’s pregnancy or around the child’s birth, just so the guy isn’t made to seem like a deadbeat jerk and the single mom can have an angsty out of wedlock pregnancy that might lead to her having give up her kid at some point. A variant of Downton Abbey Syndrome that usually happens in stories where the single mom is the main character. Can only be prevented through a shotgun wedding.

Tom Jones Syndrome-condition in which the child’s parental revelation improves his or her fortunes drastically.

Disney Mother Death Syndrome-a condition in which a main character’s parent dies sometime during their childhood, particularly before the plot kicks in. Usually happens to the mother, especially if the protagonist is female.

Elastic Uterus- a condition in which a pregnant woman can deliver an abnormally large newborn baby fairly easily within minutes after the contractions start.

Squeakly Clean Childbirth- a condition in which a pregnant woman delivers a baby without much disgusting stuff coming from her vagina.

Quick Childbirth Recovery – a condition in which a woman can return to her duties right after done giving birth in a short amount of time.

Constant Ovulation Syndrome- a condition in which a woman doesn’t go through her monthly menstruation period and gets pregnant after having sex. Very common in teenagers.

Wedding Enhanced Fertility- a condition in which a woman unexpectedly becomes pregnant around the time she marries or is engaged to the child’s father. Usually leads to a happy, nice, and non-angsty pregnancy.

Star Trek Genetics – a medical condition in which an inter-species couple can have sex and produce fertile offspring regardless of configurations pertaining to their reproductive systems.

Melanie Wilkes Pregnancy– a medical condition in which a woman’s pregnancy lasts longer than it should, particularly if the author wants her to have a Catastrophe-Induced Labor in her American Civil War novel.

Express Delivery- a medical condition in which a woman gives birth to a healthy baby despite being pregnant for less than 8-9 months. Babies born this way usually resemble those born at full term and require no medical assistance associated with most premature deliveries. May give an indication that the child is devil spawn, monster, an alien hybrid, fantasy/humanoid hybrid, or mutant.

Fetus Terrible – a medical condition in which a pregnant woman suffers from complications caused by the fetus wreaking havoc inside her body. Related to Satanic Pregnancy Syndrome. Mostly results in Express Delivery, but May cause harm to the mother in which Caesarian delivery is best recommended (since most usually develop too quickly for abortion to be an option).

Convenient Miscarriage – a medical condition in which a woman miscarries a baby either to have highly tragic situation or because the writers really don’t want to deal with the implications of having to create a new character or cast child actors. Usually happens to women who aren’t happy about their pregnancies.

Hunger Games Period Skip– a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age fails to menstruate due to being a contestant in a fight to the death competition on national television.

Pre-Menstrual Syndrome (PMS) – medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age goes into near psychotic anger or dramatic mood swings before or during her time of the month.

Menstrual Menace – a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age experiences supernatural menace during her time of the month. Side effects can result in great power and great insanity, fairy magnetism, and reality warping.

Menstrual Lycanthropy – a medical condition in which a girl or woman of childbearing age transforms into a werewolf during her menstrual cycle.

Satanic Pregnancy Syndrome (SPS) – a medical condition in which a pregnant woman suffers from complications caused by the fetus wreaking havoc inside her body because she was unwittingly impregnated by Satan and is carrying the Antichrist. May result in Express Delivery. A variant of Fetus Terrible. Abortion is best recommended in the early stages, assuming that Prince of Darkness paternity can be established and if there’s no doubt the fetus has no capacity to change (the latter which is much more problematic to prove except in horror movies where Satanic spawn usually try to bring upon the end of the world, no matter what). But even this might not be an option in most cases.

Village of the Damned Syndrome- a condition in which all women of child bearing age are impregnated by mysterious forces and give birth to fast growing, evil psychic blond children.

Chocolate Baby Syndrome- condition in which a child doesn’t at all resemble either of their parents and either glaringly obvious or acknowledged in the story. However, this doesn’t apply to children conceived through in-vitro fertilization via a sperm or egg bank. Nor does to children who are adopted either. Usually pertains to that the child’s putative father isn’t.

Not So Chocolate Baby Syndrome- condition in which a child doesn’t resemble either of their parents yet is still seen as biologically related.

Catastrophe-Induced Labor- condition in which a pregnant woman goes into labor at the worst possible moment.

Injuries:

Some people just don't know when to give up. Seriously, the Black Knight should really let King Arthur pass because he's just cut his bleeding arm off!

Some people just don’t know when to give up. Seriously, the Black Knight should really let King Arthur pass because he’s just cut his bleeding arm off!

Minor Gunshot Wound Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s severe injury doesn’t inhibit their ability to function.

Instant Roast – a medical condition that instantly turns a character into a succulent main course after experiencing an explosion or fire.

Hero Immunity- a medical condition in which a character can completely recover from his or her injuries without ever experiencing permanent scars all because they are the designated hero of the story.

Titanium Skull-a medical condition in which a character suffers nothing worse than a headache or dizzy spell after dealing with a blow to a head that rendered them involuntarily unconscious.

Matthew Crawley Syndrome-a medical condition in which character recovers after being paralyzed by a spinal injury in a very short length of time.

Black Knight Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character thinks their severe injury doesn’t affect their ability to function despite obvious evidence to the contrary.

Accordionism- a medical condition in which a person is squashed into a pleated and flexing shape after being crushed by a large object. Occurs a lot in cartoons.

Instant Soprano – a medical condition in which a man’s voice gets dramatically high after experiencing castration or a groin injury. May be temporary or permanent.

Annoying Arrow Syndrome-a medical condition in which being shot by an arrow doesn’t cause the victim anything more than a slight discomfort upon removal but they could still be functional if left unattended.

Recoil Proof-a medical condition in which the shooter is immune from the repercussions of Newton’s Third Law.

Pincushion Syndrome-a medical condition in which the character is heavily shot up but is still able to normally function. May or may not result in death.

Squashed Flatism-a medical condition in which a character is squashed flat but still survives as a flatter version of themselves. Prevalent in cartoons.

Protruding Head Bump – a medical condition in which a large swelling appears on a character’s head that develops after a blow to the head. Disturbance is best not recommended and may cause multiple protrusions as a result.

Head Injury Amnesia-in which a character experiences amnesia due to a head injury. Can be cured by being hit on the head again or regaining their memories through psychiatric intervention.

Head Injury Personality Change-in which a character’s personality and identity change drastically after experiencing a head injury. Can only be cured by being hit on the head again.

Drowning Scream Syndrome-a medical condition in which a drowning character still has the adequate lung capacity to call for help.

Invisible Holes – a medical condition in which a character is wounded with no ill effects except liquid pouring out of their skin. Happens a lot in cartoons.

Extra Fat Cushioning- a medical condition in which enables to character to jump into any soft spot without being subject to injury.

Fall Proof-a medical condition in which a character doesn’t die from the fall unless they hit the ground.

Debris Dodging Speed-a medical condition which allows the character outrun explosions, fireballs, overpressure, ammo, and debris.

Psychic Nosebleed – a medical condition in which someone experiences blood coming out of certain parts of their body as a result of psychic effort.

Disability:

Charly may become smart later on in this but it won't last. And let's just say Algernon's fate is very indicative of what will happen to him. And what gets me is that Cliff Robertson won this Oscar over the great Peter O'Toole.

Charly may become smart later on in this but it won’t last. And let’s just say Algernon’s fate is very indicative of what will happen to him. And what gets me is that Cliff Robertson won this Oscar over the great Peter O’Toole.

Disability Superpower-a medical condition in which a disabled character has a superpower that counteracts with their disability.

Inspirationally Disadvantaged-a medical condition that makes a disabled character an inspiration for everyone else. May lead to people marveling at them by performing even the more mundane tasks.

Disability Recovery- a medical condition in which a character who’s been disabled for an extended amount of time suddenly regains the ability to use their disabled organ again. Can either be done by sheer will power, miracles, or medical treatment.

Flowers for Algernon Syndrome –a medical condition in which a mentally challenged person experiences a rapid rise in IQ for a certain amount of time before returning to normal and dying.

Tragic Autism – a learning disorder that impairs a person’s social skills and prevents them from living a normal life. Can range from Idiot Savants and Rain Men to literal minded insufferable geniuses.

Rain Man Syndrome – a form of Autism that gives the sufferer a Disability Superpower.

Idiot Savant – a medical condition in which a person is mentally challenged except in a certain ability.

Compulsive Swearing Tourette’s Syndrome –a disorder in which a person is subject to frequent fits of compulsive swearing. Happens in comedies.

Scrambled Dyslexia –a disorder which causes a person reading difficulties because they see every word scrambled.

Super Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – a disorder which causes a person to be obsessed with order, symmetry, and following patterns of behavior.

Characteristics:

Sorry, Dan Brown, but real albinos just don't make effective assassins. Seriously, poor vision is a main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism since many albinos don't have normal development in the retina or in nerve connections between the eyes and brain. As a result, many are legally blind.

Sorry, Dan Brown, but real albinos just don’t make effective assassins. Seriously, poor vision is a main aspect of the diagnostic criteria for albinism since many albinos don’t have normal development in the retina or in nerve connections between the eyes and brain. As a result, many are legally blind.

Bad AB- Blood Syndrome- a medical condition in which two people who hate each other share a rare blood type and everyone else in their world doesn’t. Yet, it’s unknown to most of the cast that the injured person could receive blood with the same Rh from anybody.

Bad O Blood Syndrome- a medical condition in which the two people who hate each other share a common blood type but the injured person can’t receive blood from anyone else. Mostly because the majority of the cast doesn’t know their own.

Missing Belly Button Syndrome- a condition in which a person has no belly button.

DaVinci Code Albinism – a condition in which a character’s albinism doesn’t harm his or her eyesight.

Chuck Cunningham Syndrome – a condition in which a character disappears without explanation.

Fantasy Health:

Sure Harry's a wizard all right. But he's able to talk to snakes because he has a part of a soul from the evil guy who killed his parents who split his soul in his quest for eternal life. Of course, Harry ability to talk to snakes has some unfortunate implications in the Chamber of Secrets.

Sure Harry’s a wizard all right. But he’s able to talk to snakes because he has a part of a soul from the evil guy who killed his parents who split his soul in his quest for eternal life. Of course, Harry ability to talk to snakes has some unfortunate implications in the Chamber of Secrets.

Resurrection Sickness-a medical condition in which a character isn’t quite the same as their pre-mortem selves after coming back from the dead.

Magical Malfunction Malady-a medical condition in which a magically powered person’s ailment affects their ability to perform magic. Mostly appears in fantasy. May be caused by illness, curse, puberty, or pregnancy. Can result in the sufferer losing their powers or the ability to control them. Usually there is no easy cure so the sufferer either has to wait it out or summon his allies to go on a quest for some strange cure, which usually entails getting some rare or mysterious item in some very remote location.

Demon Possession-a medical condition in which a character’s personality changes and not for the better due to being possessed by a demon. Must be cured by an exorcist.

Voldemort Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s quest for eternal life causes them grow ugly and evil.

Gollum Syndrome-a medical condition in which a character’s unhealthy attachment to a magical object causes them to grow ugly and evil.

Horcrux Syndrome- a condition in which a person possesses part of another’s soul and gains that particular person’s abilities.

Peter Pan’s Shadow -a condition in which a character’s shadow takes on a life and personality of its own. Has to be found and sewn back on.

Dark Lord on Life Support – a condition in which a dark magical character is not quite dead but is able to survive due to some magical contraption.

Marvolo Ring Syndrome – a condition results in a magical character’s slow and painful death after touching a dark magical object.

Magical Coma –a condition in which a character is put into a deep sleep for a very long time under some magical force but can only be awoken through sexual assault or something else.

Body Switching – a condition in which a character finds him or herself in another person’s body. Can only be cured when the relationship with the other person is resolved.

Children:

Sure Pearl is a creepy girl all right, but c'mon, there's nothing in the book to suggest that she's bad. I mean she doesn't kill anyone.

Sure Pearl is a creepy girl all right, but c’mon, there’s nothing in the book to suggest that she’s bad. I mean she doesn’t kill anyone. She’s just so misunderstood in 17th century Massachusetts.

Soap Opera Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SOSIDS) – a medical condition in which a baby dies soon after its birth very tragically despite being conceived and carried under optimal conditions and delivered as a healthy baby (if not stillborn). Causes of death can pertain to car accidents and premature labor. Only happens to children of soap opera couples in happy relationships in which the mother is happy about the pregnancy.

Soap Opera Adversity Survival Syndrome (SOASS) – a medical condition in which a baby survives its birth despite being conceived and carried under dicey circumstances such as an affair. Born to women who’ve spent their pregnancies contemplating certain options (like abortion and adoption) and spent months wailing and angsting about the turmoil pertaining to the birth. Children may be subject to Inverse Paternity Syndrome and SORAS, since this happens mostly in soap operas.

Neville Longbottom Puberty – a medical condition in which an awkward looking kid experiences a remarkable transformation during his or her adolescence that signify his or her growth and change as a character.

Pearl Prynne Syndrome -a medical condition in children in which the child looks creepy and says really creepy things but has no indication they pose a danger to anybody.

Damien Syndrome – a medical condition in children resulting from a SPS which renders them completely evil and homicidal.

Hellboy Syndrome – a medical condition in children resulting from a SPS, which results in them having a perfectly normal personality, though appearances may vary.

Premature Male Puberty – a medical condition in which an adolescent boy has the body of an adult man between the ages of 20 to 30 years old. Happens in a lot of teen centered media due to casting adult actors in teen roles.

Adolescent Height Stunting – a medical condition that results in an adolescent character being shorter than both his or her parents as well as other adults, regardless of whether it makes any sense.

South Park Syndrome – a medical condition in which a child is disproportionally short for their age and is never implied to suffer from dwarfism or part of an unusually small humanoid race. Prevalent in cartoon children between the ages of 4-12.

Renesmee Syndrome – a medical condition in which a child manages to grow up in a very short timespan.

Sudden Firstborn Son Death Syndrome – a medical condition in which the oldest male child in the family dies because his parents were being jerks. Takes some form of divine punishment, especially after a series of plagues.

Aging:

This must be the scene in Hamlet when he's telling Ophelia to "get thee to a nunnery." Oh, wait a minute he's yelling at his mom Gertrude. Seriously, she looks way too young to be his mom. And he looks way too old to be going to college.

This must be the scene in Hamlet when he’s telling Ophelia to “get thee to a nunnery.” Oh, wait a minute he’s yelling at his mom Gertrude. Seriously, she looks way too young to be his mom. And he looks way too old to be going to college.

Cartoon Child Syndrome – a condition in which a child remains at the same age for a very long time for no explanation since it’s much easier for the animator in question and that the voice actor is an adult anyway.

Peter Pan Syndrome – a condition in which a child remains at the same age for a very long time. Yet, unlike Cartoon Child Syndrome, it’s explained in story

Pre-Natal Maturity – a condition in which a person begins life as an adult.

Benjamin Button Syndrome-a condition in which a person begins life as an old person and dies as a baby.

Shakespearean Rapid Aging Syndrome (SRAS)- a medical condition in which a teenager or young adult has the body of a someone who’s at least 30 years old. Endemic in Shakespearean drama, especially in productions of Richard III, Romeo and Juliet, or Hamlet. Happens in a lot movies, theatrical, and TV productions set in historical times, in which the actors are considerably older than their characters should be. Most prevalent in males.

Agora Syndrome – a condition in which a person appears considerably younger and more attractive than they should be. Happens in a lot of historical adaptations but is less common than SRAS.

13 Going on 30 Syndrome – a condition in which a person ages for several years in the span of a night.

17 Again Syndrome -a condition in which a person’s aging is reversed several years in the span of a night.

Esther Coleman Syndrome – a disorder in which a person stops growing and aging as a child.

Methuselah Syndrome-a condition in which a person lives way past the average human lifespan.

Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome (SORAS)- a condition in which a child spends a short amount of time offstage, only to emerge as considerably older than any normal kid would be. Prevalent in movie series and TV shows, especially soap operas. Yet, on sitcoms, babies only age up after only a few years.

Immortal Aging Syndrome-a condition in which a character’s immortality doesn’t stop them from aging.

Immortal Adult Stasis- a condition in which an immortal character comes of age and remains that way forever. That or granted immortality at that age.

Abnormal Infantile Memory Syndrome- a condition in which a child could remember a lot of stuff before the age of 3 other than stuff that’s either very traumatic or significant in their lives like the birth of a sibling for instance.

Sudden Grandparent Death Syndrome- a condition in which a child’s grandparents die sometime before the plot gets in so they can have a terrible living arrangement as an orphan, even when such demises make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Harry Potter’s Grandparents Death Syndrome- a variant as SGDS in which a child’s grandparent die sometime before the plot kicks in when such a natural death doesn’t make absolutely no sense in its fictional universe.

Stress Induced Premature Aging – a condition in which a character ages considerably quickly due to excessive stress. A common symptom is hair going gray or white. May be caused by dealing with a severe illness, adverse conditions, or after having to make a difficult decision.

Gillian Darmondy Syndrome – a condition in which a character seems unbelievably young to parent his or her biological child, but in a way that makes perfect sense such as teen pregnancy, alien biology, being unusually attractive, paranormal activity, divinity, or anything to do with magic or futuristic technology.

Gertrude Syndrome- a condition in which a character seems unbelievably young to parent his or her biological child but where it makes absolutely no sense. May be caused by the author’s inability to comprehend biology or basic mathematics or casting an actor noticeably younger than the character should be. Perhaps even younger than the person playing his or her biological child.

Anime Shrinkage – a condition in which an elderly character’s height shrinks at an accelerated rate in a short amount of time than it should.

Dorian Gray Syndrome -a condition in which a character never ages but with a dark magical catch. May result in the sufferer losing his or her soul.

Presidential Aging – a condition in which a character’s rapid aging has no effect on their lifespans.

Psychological Conditions:

Dexter Morgan: I'm not sure if modern psychology would classify as a psychopath or just a homicidal maniac with PTSD. Still, since it's TV, he's a psychopath.

Dexter Morgan: I’m not sure if modern psychology would classify as a psychopath or just a homicidal maniac with childhood induced PTSD. I mean he does have people he sincerely loves in his life. Still, since it’s TV and he likes to kill people, he’s a psychopath. But he has a code on who he kills. Very difficult to classify. However, many of his victims tend to fit in the psychopathic mindset much better than he does.

Gold Fever-a condition which results the intensity of a character’s insatiable greed and propensity for violence is inverse to their sanity and self-control.

Jack Torrance Syndrome-a variant kind of Cabin Fever that causes raving lunacy and homicidal tendencies.

Napoleon Delusion-a psychological condition in which a sufferer thinks they’re a famous dead celebrity. Those who suffer from this may or may not be a danger to other people.

Vertigo Syndrome-a psychological condition in which the sufferer makes their significant other drastically alter their appearance in order to resemble a dead person the afflicted has been obsessed about but hasn’t even met.

Laura Syndrome-a psychological condition in which the sufferer falls in love with a person reputed to be dead who may not be.

Oedipus Complex -a psychological condition in which a person hates one parent and has a secret wish to sleep with the other. Sometimes the sufferer might not even realize it.

Multiple Personality Crisis Disorder- a psychological condition in which a serious personal issue causes a person to have multiple personalities yet, disappear once they get their lives back together again. Yet, it won’t always be the same personality they started out with.

Three Faces of Eve Disorder-a variant of MSCD in which the person recovers from having multiple personalities with a totally different identity and personality than they started out with.

Richard Harrow Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character’s desensitization from violence and capability of racking up huge body counts doesn’t prevent them from being a perfectly decent person otherwise and possible the nicest one in the whole cast.

Norma Desmond Disorder- a psychological disorder in which a character is running a whole era behind and still thinks they could make a comeback despite that ship sailing.

Manchurian Candidate Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character is brainwashed into being an assassin.

Alfred Hitchcock Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character seems to develop a strange rabid interest in murder mysteries that lead to violence or not.

Cassandra Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character always tells the truth but nobody believes them.

Adoption Denial Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a character doesn’t know they’re adopted even though they should’ve obviously figured it out by now.

Paternal Denialist Syndrome- a psychological condition in which a male character thinks that he’s a child’s biological father despite obvious evidence to the contrary.

Post-Traumatic Amnesia – a psychological condition in which a person loses all prior memories or sense of identity after witnessing a traumatic incident.

Science-Related Memetic Disorder – a psychological disorder in which a character uses their sociopathic tendencies to conduct scientific research or experiments. May lead to beyond horrific results for victims.

Destructive Insanity – a psychological condition in which a person isn’t in touch with reality as well as a poses a hazard to themselves and others. Can be caused by anything, notably a terrible childhood or a traumatic moment. Symptoms include violent outbursts, an insatiable urge to kill people or self-harm, creepiness, unstoppable rage, or substance abuse. Sometimes hearing voices in the head, hallucinations, talking to puppets, etc.

Trauma Sociopathy – a psychological condition in which a person becomes a psychopath after experiencing a brain injury in a traumatic incident during childhood.

Pyromania- a mental disorder in which a person loves to start fires, watch them, and see the people burned in them. Are always arsonists and serial killers.

Harmless Insanity – a mental disorder in which the sufferer causes no harm whatsoever while his or her psychological symptoms are used for comedy.

Single Issue Psychology – a psychological condition in which a person’s psychological problems are due to one major thing pertaining to their lives.

Psychopathy – a psychological condition in which a person may seem rather charming and outgoing but devoid of any empathy, shame, humility, or sense of responsibility. Doesn’t care what is right or wrong, is manipulative, engages in hedonistic behavior, and could possibly be a psycho killer, a Wall Street executive, or both. Sufferers are thoroughly irredeemable.

Post Traumatic Stress Badass Disorder – a psychological condition in which a character’s traumatic experience in war makes him or her exceptionally capable of handing any dangerous situation.

Mother’s Day Gifts Your Mom Doesn’t Want

Me and my mom at Saint Vincent during my feshman orientation in August of 2008.

Me and my mom at Saint Vincent College during my freshman orientation in August of 2008.

I know this is a little early but since Mother’s Day is on the second Sunday in May, it wouldn’t hurt for you to think about what to give your mother, assuming that she’s still alive and you’re on good terms with her. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt to think about buying something for the mother of your kids, too. For many people, their mothers are usually the primary parents of their lives for a variety of reasons such as a 9 month gestation period, traditional gender roles, and how mothers usually tend to have child custody in a divorce case. But while bad mothers have existed, we have celebrated motherhood throughout the ages as well as great mothers. Still, if there is an argument for equal pay for women, paid maternity leave, universal healthcare, unionism, affordable childcare, or other social action in the US it’s because millions of American working moms provide for their families every day and the best this government can do is give them the support and respect they deserve. Besides, you won’t just find mothers doing housework but also working out in the world at almost every rung of the economic ladder. So it was basically a no brainer for some woman to come up with Mother’s Day, which she later regretted since it became conveniently engulfed with commercialism. Now I can go on and on about great Mother’s Day gift ideas like flowers, chocolates, or a new hat, but I think you’d find it boring and won’t read my post. Instead, I’ll focus on products that would make any mother gasp in horror. Now I’m not talking about the conventional homemade coupons but perhaps some of the more unusual. So without further adieu, here the many gifts that won’t please your mother. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

1. Waistband Stretcher

Sure it might make her feel comfortable in her jeans. But do you really want to ruin her self-image? Seriously, it's like telling your mother, "You're fat" as she uncovers the gift wrapping.

Sure it might make her feel comfortable in her jeans. But do you really want to ruin her self-image? Seriously, it’s like telling your mother, “You’re fat” as she uncovers the gift wrapping.

2.  Botox Gift Certificate

Because there's no better way to tell your mom she's seen better days and that crow's feet aren't a sign of graceful aging and wisdom. The kind of gift that would make any Wicked Queen want to kill Snow White.

Because there’s no better way to tell your mom she’s seen better days and that crow’s feet aren’t a sign of graceful aging and wisdom. The kind of gift that would make any Wicked Queen want to kill Snow White.

3. Happy Man Bottle Stopper

Oh, my God, since when does this make an appropriate Mother's Day gift? Seems more like the kind of present you'd want to give your college frat boy brother.

Oh, my God, since when does this make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Seems more like the kind of present you’d want to give your college frat boy brother.

4. Broom and Dustpan Slippers

Okay, this is actually pretty awesome. But does it make an appropriate Mother's Day gift? Sure it's a pain to have to duck down and clean up with a real broom and dustpan. But do you really want your mother's feet to look that ridiculous?

Okay, this is actually pretty awesome. But does it make an appropriate Mother’s Day gift? Sure it’s a pain to have to duck down and clean up with a real broom and dustpan. But do you really want your mother’s feet to look that ridiculous?

5. The Cuchini

This is something for women to put in their underwear if they have camel toe. Seriously, this is a terrible gift for any woman, let alone a mom. I mean just give her clothes that are looser around the crotch.

This is something for women to put in their underwear if they have camel toe. Seriously, this is a terrible gift for any woman, let alone a mom. I mean just give her clothes that are looser around the crotch.

6. Carpet Slippers

You might want the carpet to match the drapes. However, I'm not sure if you want your flip flops match the rug or be made from the rug. Might be quite convenient if you need to fetch the mail or take the dog out.

You might want the carpet to match the drapes. However, I’m not sure if you want your flip flops match the rug or be made from the rug. Might be quite convenient if you need to fetch the mail or take the dog out.

7. Chinchilla Apron

Yes, it's fake. But just because it's an apron, doesn't mean it belongs in the kitchen or anywhere else. Seriously, we're not in the Stone Age.

Yes, it’s fake. But just because it’s an apron, doesn’t mean it belongs in the kitchen or anywhere else. Seriously, we’re not in the Stone Age.

8. Assorted Chocolate Crocheted Satchels

I suppose this is the best way to tell Mom, "Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy!" Word of advice, spend your $25 on something she'd actually want like real chocolate.

I suppose this is the best way to tell Mom, “Hey Mom, I know you love to eat chocolate, but maybe you should just look at it instead. Oh, but don’t worry, it smells like the real thing! Enjoy!” Word of advice, spend your $25 on something she’d actually want like real chocolate!

9. Roach Slippers

For one, my house doesn't get roaches so my mother wouldn't use it anyway. Second, wouldn't it be better to save Mom the trouble by just hiring an exterminator? Seriously, why?

For one, my house doesn’t get roaches so my mother wouldn’t use it anyway. Second, wouldn’t it be better to save Mom the trouble by just hiring an exterminator? Seriously, why?

10. Emergency Bra

Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother's Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.

Ask yourself these questions: Is your town polluted as hell? Are you living in a combat zone? Do you think buying your mother bra is appropriate for Mother’s Day? If no, then why the hell buy one? Also, if yes, to third question and a man, you might need to see a psychiatrist.

11. Weight Watchers Gift Certificate

Let's just say even if the women in your life are having weight problems, weight loss related merchandise is a terrible idea for any occasion.

Let’s just say even if the women in your life are having weight problems, weight loss related merchandise is a terrible idea for any occasion. You really don’t want to call your mom fat on Mother’s Day.

12. Rejuvenique Face Mask

This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I'd rather recommend this as a Mother's Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer.

This is a facial toning mask which is supposed to tighten facial muscles through electric shocks. However, I’d recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift for the self-conscious female serial killer. Pamela Voorhees and Mrs. Bates will absolutely love this!

13. Face Slimmer Duck Mask

Mother's Day gifts shouldn't pertain that Mom needs to slim down fat face even if she has a double chin and Venus rings. In fact, maybe we shouldn't give any face silimming contraptions to anyone. Still, better than Botox since you can at least take it out.

Mother’s Day gifts shouldn’t pertain that Mom needs to slim down fat face even if she has a double chin and Venus rings. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t give any face silimming contraptions to anyone, especially since it makes you look like you’ve had Botox injections on your lips!

14. Houreisen Face Exercise Mask

Basically nothing says Mother's Day like giving your mom a face stretching mask that makes her look like a Mexican wrestler. Seriously, I swear that Sister Incarnacion wore one just like it in Nacho Libre 2.

Basically nothing says Mother’s Day like giving your mom a face stretching mask that makes her look like a Mexican wrestler. Seriously, I swear that Sister Incarnacion wore one just like it in Nacho Libre 2.

15. Facial Flex

Now here's a way for Mom to flex her facial muscles to lift up her droopy skin without plastic surgery. Of course, this probably doesn't work and will make her look like a complete idiot.

Now here’s a way for Mom to flex her facial muscles to lift up her droopy skin without plastic surgery. Of course, this probably doesn’t work and will make her look like a complete idiot.

16. The Fat Magnet

It's supposed to remove unwanted fat from food. Still, not only is this a covertly insulting gift to Mom, but there's no way it actually works. If it did, I wouldn't come across it in the gift guides of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva.

It’s supposed to remove unwanted fat from food. Still, not only is this a covertly insulting gift to Mom, but there’s no way it actually works. If it did, I wouldn’t come across it in the gift guides of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva. Seriously, there are better things to spend $20.

17. Food Dress

I'm sorry but a salad dress is still a salad. Besides, unless you're Lady Tottington, I don't see how such fruit and veggie dresses would be appealing to any woman, let alone moms.

I’m sorry but a salad dress is still a salad. Besides, unless you’re Lady Tottington, I don’t see how such fruit and veggie dresses would be appealing to any woman, let alone moms.

18. Fancy, Fringy Daisy Dukes

For one, these aren't great to walk in since the fringes might get caught in something. Second, being unable to wear short shorts is not the end of the world. Third, those aren't even in style and look ridiculous.

For one, these aren’t great to walk in since the fringes might get caught in something. Second, being unable to wear short shorts is not the end of the world. Third, those aren’t even in style and look ridiculous.

19. Glitter Shitter

When your mother says she wants a sparkling toilet seat, I'm sure she didn't mean this, unless she's Lady Gaga. Seriously, nobody wants to crap in a commode that seems straight out of Elton John's disco era bathroom. Besides, toilet seats make terrible gifts anyway.

When your mother says she wants a sparkling toilet seat, I’m sure she didn’t mean this, unless she’s Lady Gaga. Seriously, nobody wants to crap in a commode that seems straight out of Elton John’s disco era bathroom. Besides, toilet seats make terrible gifts anyway.

20. Go Girl!

This is a female (travel) urinal device for when she has to pee in the outskirts of civilization and there's no bush in sight. Just place it under your shorts and hoo-ha and pee away. Still, better have your mom pee in peace and quiet, perhaps with a funnel. Or just give her a carry-on flushing toilet.

This is a female (travel) urinal device for when she has to pee in the outskirts of civilization and there’s no bush in sight. Just place it under your shorts and hoo-ha and pee away. Still, better have your mom pee in peace and quiet, perhaps with a funnel. Or just give her a carry-on flushing toilet.

21. Gold Poop Pills

If sparkly toilet seats aren't bad enough, we have to make our poop sparkle, too. Seriously, do any women want to see their own excrement glittering in the toilet bowl? Of course not! We want to see it flushed down into the septic system. A massive waste of $435 better spent on jewelry.

If sparkly toilet seats aren’t bad enough, we have to make our poop sparkle, too. Seriously, do any women want to see their own excrement glittering in the toilet bowl? Of course not! We want to see it flushed down into the septic system to the water treatment plant. A massive waste of $435 better spent on jewelry.

22. Hug-E-Gram

The kind of Mother's Day gift that says the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on her special day. Seriously, if you can drive to her house and aren't working, why not you just ditch the bowling tournament and just see her in person, you insensitive jerk?

The kind of Mother’s Day gift that says the Sunday bowling tournament is more important to you than seeing her in person on her special day. Seriously, if you can drive to her house and aren’t working, why not you just ditch the bowling tournament and just see her in person, you insensitive jerk?

23. Hana Tsun Nose Straightener

If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career and attract a following of fangirls, then I don't see why anybody should need this. Seriously, your mom's nose is probably fine the way it is.

If Adrien Brody can live with his long crooked nose and still have a career as a leading man and attract a following of fangirls, then I don’t see why anybody needs this. Seriously, your mom’s nose is probably fine the way it is.

24. Cooking for the Clueless DVD

Okay, even if your mom is a lousy cook who can use a few lessons, Mother's Day isn't the time of year to bring that up.

Okay, even if your mom is a lousy cook who can use a few lessons, Mother’s Day isn’t the time of year to bring that up.

25. Hand Dipped Roses

Instead of dumping $800 on this floral thing, you're probably better off with giving her a bouquet of fresh flowers, jewelry, or both. Seriously, she'd appreciate it more and it's a better option for your wallet.

Instead of dumping $800 on this floral thing, you’re probably better off with giving her a bouquet of fresh flowers, jewelry, or both. Seriously, she’d appreciate it more and it’s a better option for your wallet.

26. Parenting Manual

Basically giving your mom a book on parenting for Mother's Day is like giving Robinson Crusoe a book on how to survive on a deserted island. This is especially insulting if she's a grandmother.

Basically giving your mom a book on parenting for Mother’s Day is like giving Robinson Crusoe a book on how to survive on a deserted island. This is especially insulting if she’s a grandmother.

27. Twilight Edward Cullen Pillow

Seriously, why get your mom a cuddly pillow of a 107 year old vampire who goes after high school girls? I mean Edward Cullen is a stalking, controlling, and predatory creep who should have a restraining order against him. Not his likeness on a body pillow.

Seriously, why get your mom a cuddly pillow of a 107 year old vampire who goes after high school girls? I mean Edward Cullen is a stalking, controlling, and predatory creep who should have a restraining order against him. Not his likeness on a body pillow.

28. Wine Holder Necklace

Some women love wine. Some women love jewelry. Some women love both. However, combine wine with jewelry into this with the potential to make a mess of wine and broken glass, that's absurd.

Some women love wine. Some women love jewelry. Some women love both. However, combine wine with jewelry into this with the potential to make a mess of wine and broken glass, that’s absurd.

29. Muscle Tights

Okay, maybe these tights are making this woman look too exposed. Seriously, put some skin over them. Also, these look utterly disgusting and more suited for live models in anatomy classes.

Okay, maybe these tights are making this woman look too exposed. Seriously, put some skin over them. Also, these look utterly disgusting and more suited for live models in anatomy classes.

30. Picnic Pants

Sure your mom may be too busy to go on a picnic, but that doesn't mean she's desperate enough to risk looking ridiculous. Comes with a cup holder on a pant leg. Resembles a cross between denim harem pants and a tent.

Sure your mom may be too busy to go on a picnic, but that doesn’t mean she’s desperate enough to risk looking ridiculous. Comes with a cup holder on a pant leg. Resembles a cross between denim harem pants and a tent.

31. Predator Claw Rings

Sure they may make your mom look sharp, but perhaps you should hold on to your $1800 and give her a gifts certificate for a manicure at the spa instead. She'd probably appreciate that way more.

Sure they may make your mom look sharp, but perhaps you should hold on to your $1800 and give her a gifts certificate for a manicure at the spa instead. She’d probably appreciate that way more.

32. Private Laptop Viewer

When your mom said that she wanted some private time to look on her laptop, this was probably not what she was talking about. Seriously, looks like she's been swallowed by a giant sock.

When your mom said that she wanted some private time to look on her laptop, this was probably not what she was talking about. Seriously, looks like she’s been swallowed by a giant sock.

33. Razorbra Back Shaver

Now I'm familiar with men having back hair, but I'm not sure if women do or not. If so, it's hardly an issue. Seriously, it's barely noticeable in photos, well, compared to men's at least.

Now I’m familiar with men having back hair, but I’m not sure if women do or not. If so, it’s hardly an issue. Seriously, it’s barely noticeable in photos, well, compared to men’s at least.

34. Frownies

I'm sure these Botox band-aids will retrain her facial muscles and restore lost youthful beauty without surgery, lotions, or exercises. Either that, or make her look like an idiot with cut out band-aids on her face.

I’m sure these Botox band-aids will retrain her facial muscles and restore lost youthful beauty without surgery, lotions, or exercises. Either that, or make her look like an idiot with cut out band-aids on her face.

35. Suction-Powered Lip Plumper

Now your mother can get luscious, plump, bee stung lips with this device that works by using technology of bicycle pumps or weird sounding flutes from bad cartoons. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist?

Now your mother can get luscious, plump, bee stung lips with this device that works by using technology of bicycle pumps or weird sounding flutes from bad cartoons. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist?

36. Cleavage Pillow

This Intima cleavage pillow provides a soft place for your mom's cleavage and helps treat the little known problem of cleavage wrinkles. Yeah, I didn't know about cleavage wrinkles either.

This Intima cleavage pillow provides a soft place for your mom’s cleavage and helps treat the little known problem of cleavage wrinkles. Yeah, I didn’t know about cleavage wrinkles either.

37. Aerator Sandals

These spiked sandals will open up the soil wherever she walks in the yard. If she prefers walking along dark alleys at night, they can be used as weapons.

These spiked sandals will open up the soil wherever she walks in the yard. If she prefers walking along dark alleys at night, they can be used as weapons.

38. High Heel Wine Bottle Holder

I'm sure this would be the perfect Mother's Day gift for the alcoholic mom with a poor taste in interior decorating. Seriously, that thing is utterly hideous.

I’m sure this would be the perfect Mother’s Day gift for the alcoholic mom with a poor taste in interior decorating. Seriously, that thing is utterly hideous.

39. Trenchcoat Night Shirt

When it comes to sexiness, this is about as alluring as a man in a T-shirt tuxedo top. Also, this is not at all an appropriate gift for your mom on Mother's Day. Seriously, why?

When it comes to sexiness, this is about as alluring as a man in a T-shirt tuxedo top. Also, this is not at all an appropriate gift for your mom on Mother’s Day. Seriously, why?

40. “Won’t It Be Fun If It’s Pink?” Kitchen Appliances

While my mom is perfectly okay with having a knife in cutting board. If I gave her a knife and cutting board set that resembled something from the Barbie Kitchen Collection, that wouldn't go over well.

While my mom is perfectly okay with having a knife in cutting board. If I gave her a knife and cutting board set that resembled something from the Barbie Kitchen Collection, it wouldn’t go over well.

41. Bare Lifts Breast Support

Now many mom's may have sagging boobies and may wish to have them perk up once in awhile. However, a gift like this on Mother's Day is a very bad idea.

Now many mom’s may have sagging boobies and may wish to have them perk up once in awhile. However, a gift like this on Mother’s Day is a very bad idea.

42. Fix a Flop Repair Kit

Hey, look, flip flops are basically a dime a dozen so it's not like you need to have them repaired unless you're Tom Hanks in Castaway. Seriously, if your flip flops break, do what Mom does, get a new pair of flip flops.

Hey, look, flip flops are basically a dime a dozen so it’s not like you need to have them repaired unless you’re Tom Hanks in Castaway. Seriously, if your flip flops break, do what Mom does, get a new pair of flip flops.

43. Solar Mooning Gnome

I'm sure your mom would want nothing more at night than seeing a saggy, bare, glow-in-the dark gnome ass in her flower garden. Yeah right.

I’m sure your mom would want nothing more at night than seeing a saggy, bare, glow-in-the dark gnome ass in her flower garden. Yeah right.

44. Wine Bottle Wine Glass

Now this is the perfect Mother's Day gift for alcoholics. However, just because your mother is a bit too much into wine doesn't mean you should give her one of these. Seriously, it might make you a codependent in some cases.

Now this is the perfect Mother’s Day gift for alcoholics. However, just because your mother is a bit too much into wine doesn’t mean you should give her one of these. Seriously, it might make you a codependent in some cases.

45. Squat Strap

For the outdoorsy mom who hates having to squat in the woods, this offers valuable support for answering the call of nature. Sure there may other uses for it other than taking a shit in the woods but that's not what you imagine Mom doing is it?

For the outdoorsy mom who hates having to squat in the woods, this offers valuable support for answering the call of nature. Sure there may other uses for it other than taking a shit in the woods but that’s not what you imagine Mom doing is it?

46. Crazy Cat Lady Game

Think of it as a game capturing all the fun of collecting herds of diseased feral cats without having to deal with cleaning up urine or being arrested by animal control. Yeah, I'm sure it's fun for all ages.

Think of it as a game capturing all the fun of collecting herds of diseased feral cats without having to deal with cleaning up urine or being arrested by animal control. Yeah, I’m sure it’s fun for all ages.

47. Super Kegel Exerciser

This is supposed to be an exercise contraption for pelvic muscles. Said to enhance a woman's sexual pleasure while toning her thighs, ass, lower abs. Also, said to help with urine incontinence. However, I'd sure as hell not want to be known for buying that doohickey for my mother.

This is supposed to be an exercise contraption for pelvic muscles. Said to enhance a woman’s sexual pleasure while toning her thighs, ass, lower abs. Also, said to help with urine incontinence. However, I’d sure as hell not want to be known for buying that doohickey for my mother.

48. Ouch Cutting Board

A cutting board for the mother who loves to cook, take part in voodoo ceremonies, and wanting to settle scores with the people who wronged you without being arrested.

A cutting board for the mother who loves to cook, take part in voodoo ceremonies, and wanting to settle scores with the people who wronged you without being arrested.

49. Play Doh Perfume

Yes, give your mother the kind of gift that brings her back to the days when she used to get bits of this substance from out of the carpet. Not something she wants to remember.

Yes, give your mother the kind of gift that brings her back to the days when she used to get bits of this substance from out of the carpet. Not something she wants to remember.

50. Chocolate Jesus

For the Catholic mom on Mother's Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn't really say no to chocolate, no matter the kind of sacrilegious shape it may take.

For the Catholic mom on Mother’s Day, would I recommend this chocolate crucifix? No way in Hell. However, as a Catholic, I wouldn’t say no to chocolate, regardless of sacrilegious shape.

51. Slipper Genie

I'm sure when your mom asked for slippers on Mother's Day, she asked for ones she can ask and kick back in. Not ones she can clean the floor with. Give her mop for that instead.

I’m sure when your mom asked for slippers on Mother’s Day, she asked for ones she can ask and kick back in. Not ones she can clean the floor with. Give her mop for that instead.

52. Steve Buscemi Dress

Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I'm sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I think you're better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead.

Face it, even if your mother is a diehard Steve Buscemi fan, I’m sure she would dread if she received a dress like this. I’m sure it makes such a sexy model look very unsexy indeed with having Steve Buscemi on her chest. I think you’re better off with giving her a boxed DVD set of Boardwalk Empire instead. A DVD of Fargo is a good choice, too.

53. Portable Speaker Shoes

Sure your mom may like music and shoes. But I'm not sure if she'd want to have her music blasting at the feet of her soles. May I suggest that Billy Joel's "Stiletto" would make a very appropriate soundtrack for these.

Sure your mom may like music and shoes. But I’m not sure if she’d want to have her music blasting at the feet of her soles. May I suggest that Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” would make a very appropriate soundtrack for these.

54. Measuring Tape Belt

Now this is a perfect Mother's Day gift that would give mom a way to pull her pants up as well as heighten her waistline insecurities at the same time. Yeah, you'd probably want to pass on this one, even if your mom has weight problems.

Now this is a perfect Mother’s Day gift that would give mom a way to pull her pants up as well as heighten her waistline insecurities at the same time. Yeah, you’d probably want to pass on this one, even if your mom has weight problems.

55. Subtle Butt Gas Filters

I'm sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatuence. However, Mother's Day isn't one of those times.

I’m sure there is a time and place to remind your mother that she has a problem with flatulence. However, Mother’s Day isn’t one of those times.

56. Tissue Box Photo Cover

Moms may like photos of their kids. But sometimes just because you can stick a photo on something, doesn't mean you should. Please, drop the creepy keepsakes ideas and go with a traditional frame.

Moms may like photos of their kids. But sometimes just because you can stick a photo on something, doesn’t mean you should. Please, drop the creepy keepsakes ideas and go with a traditional frame.

57. Uterus Flowers

If your mom isn't one of those New Age hippie types who thinks consuming animal products is murder, then I wouldn't recommend this as a Mother's Day gift. Seriously, avoid such flower arrangements like the plague.

If your mom isn’t one of those New Age hippie types who thinks consuming animal products is murder, then I wouldn’t recommend this as a Mother’s Day gift. Seriously, avoid such flower arrangements like the plague.

58. Wake-N-Bacon Alarm Clock

There may be plenty of mothers who want to wake up to the smell of bacon in bed. But I'm not sure if this is just right for Mother's Day.

There may be plenty of mothers who want to wake up to the smell of bacon in bed. But I’m not sure if this is just right for Mother’s Day.

59. Wearable Luggage

These ponchos may carry 33lbs but there's no room for pride, shame, or positive reputation. Also, gives the term, "bag lady" a whole new meaning. For Mother's Day, you might want to stick with a purse instead.

These ponchos may carry 33lbs but there’s no room for pride, shame, or positive reputation. Also, gives the term, “bag lady” a whole new meaning. For Mother’s Day, you might want to stick with a purse instead.

60. Burt Reynolds Tea Towel

I'm sure your mom wouldn't want to use the 1970s Burt Reynolds centerfold when she hosts her next tea party. Seriously, this is a Mother's Day gift in poor taste.

I’m sure your mom wouldn’t want to use the 1970s Burt Reynolds centerfold when she hosts her next tea party. Seriously, this is a Mother’s Day gift in poor taste.

No SNAP for You!

historymaniacmegan:

I absolutely despise these food restriction SNAP laws. Sure people on government benefits may waste their food stamps on so-called “luxury foods.” But we need to understand that food doesn’t stay fresh for long and that to let even so-called “luxury foods” go to waste is very irresponsible, especially if it can go to someone less fortunate. So if a poor person wants steak or seafood, why should I give a shit? It will go bad anyway and it’s better than having McDonald’s every day. I certainly don’t care. Besides, many poor people don’t have healthy lifestyles because they don’t have a grocery store in town or don’t have the transportation to get to one. Not to mention, many poor families simply don’t have the time to cook meals since many poor parents work multiple jobs. In many ways, poverty simply makes healthy eating and a healthy lifestyle difficult. The Missouri legislature should be ashamed of itself.

Originally posted on Millennial:

This post by Nathaniel Romano, SJ is also featured on The Jesuit Post.

Seinfeld,once the anchor of NBC’s “Must-See TV,” gave us many memorable characters, including the so-called “Soup Nazi.” A temperamental restaurateur sells soup that is praised far and wide. However, he is very particular about how his customers must behave. Only the worthy get soup; the rest are dismissed with a curt “No soup for you!”

Apparently the Soup Nazi is the role model for a new strain of legislative misbehavior. Missouri Republican Rick Brattin wants to ban poor people from eating steak and seafood, as well as energy drinks, cookies, chips, and soft drinks. That’s not hyperbole. The language is taken straight from the bill he has introduced to the Missouri State Legislature. Thankfully, though, he won’t ban coffee. So, hey, at least we know that the working poor will be caffeinated enough to…

View original 1,396 more words

Sucky Dresses at Prom

This is my cousin John in my sister's junior prom dress. And no, he didn't wear it to prom. But it fits well with what I'm going to talk about.

This is my cousin John in my sister’s junior prom dress. And no, he didn’t wear it to prom (they were just goofing off). But in a post devoted to prom dress fashion disasters, this is a perfect introductory photo.

After the Easter celebrations are over, junior and senior high school students all around the country prepare for the major formal high school dance of the year: prom. Prom season is the time of year when American junior and senior high school students spend countless amounts of their parents’ money on overpriced formal dresses and suits, overpriced tickets for an overpriced venue if it’s not the high school gym, overpriced hairstyles, and overpriced transportation. All just so they can attend a dance with mediocre food and music in hopes that they’d somehow get to third base in the backseat of a car without considering the possibilities of an immediate future with child support payments, STD treatments, teen pregnancy, shotgun weddings, or fucking up the rest of their lives. But it’s all portrayed as the fairytale capstone of a high school girl’s experience as well as a rite of passage in the media. Yeah, right. Now I never went to prom while in high school since I had a quiz bowl tournament in Harrisburg my junior year (with my team coming in 7th but my sister erasing all the photos from my parents’ camera. Yet, it was on PCNC). And during my senior year, I had to go to an out of state funeral for a paternal great aunt I’ve only met once in my life (who was the half-sister of a grandfather I’ve never met). Do I regret not going to prom? Hell no. Seriously, my senior year highlights were finishing in the KDKA Hometown HiQ semifinals where my team won $2,000 for the school as well as a Hall of Fame Club lunch I attended with my father, finishing second in a journalist writing contest winning $25 for myself, attending a friend’s Halloween party, and going on a trip to Disney World with my high school marching band. However, my sister went to her school prom both years and was a member of homecoming court as a senior. And so have many other high school students. Now the average high school promgoer spends an average of about $900 on prom according to the statistics on while I was in high school. So I’m sure that a lot of businesses make a killing off it. But what gets a lot of attention at prom are the overpriced formal dresses which are sometimes designed by straight male perverts and worn by 20 year old models in magazines. Now I can go on with all the pretty prom dresses out there. But you’d probably be bored to tears so I’ll show you some of the prom fashion disasters. Now I have it as Not Safe for Work because some might images might disturb the parents and that I don’t want teenagers to look at it. So without further adieu, here are some of prom’s most epic fashion catastrophes you can’t unsee.

1. Just because the dress may be great for a Civil War reenactment, doesn’t mean you should wear it for prom.

Sorry for being stereotypical here, but I'm not sure if a Southern belle dress would be seen as appropriate apparel for a black girl, according to some historians. Still, to each his own. After all, if you want to wear a dress like that to prom, that's your business. It just that the dress seems like a relic of 60s fashion. And by that, I mean 1860s.

Sorry for being stereotypical here, but I’m not sure if a Southern belle dress would be seen as appropriate apparel for a black girl, historically speaking. Still, to each his own. After all, if you want to wear a dress like that to prom, that’s your business. It’s just that the dress seems like a relic of fashion from the 60s. And by that, I mean the 1860s.

2. For the girl who wants to honor her southern heritage, offend black people, show your support for Lynyrd Skynyrd, and look like a trashy redneck at the same time, then the Confederate flag dress is for you.

Of course, I'd like to know how she'll have to explain this to her black boyfriend. Seriously, the Confederate Flag is a racist symbol since it was used by white supremacist organizations like the KKK and the Dixiecrats.

Of course, I’d like to know how she’ll have to explain this to her black boyfriend. Seriously, the Confederate Flag is a racist symbol since it was used by white supremacist organizations like the KKK and the Dixiecrats.

3. For those aiming for the Grecian look, may I present to you Bo Derek in her bedsheet.

Let's just hope she's poorer than hen shit and wearing an actual bedsheet as a prom dress. Because I really don't want to think that her parents spent all this money on a dress that makes her seem like a slutty Grecian harem girl.

Let’s just hope she’s poorer than hen shit and wearing an actual bedsheet as a prom dress. Because I really don’t want to think that her parents spent over $300 on a dress that makes her seem like a slutty Grecian harem girl.

4. Of course, it’s not just the ladies who want to get in on the formalwear action. These guys dressed as the colors of the rainbow.

Of course, while many may see these teenage boys as the innocent promgoers they are, some people in the Bible Belt conspiracy theorist might equate them with the fictitious gay mafia of their imaginations. Either that, or Willy Wonka's fraternity.

Of course, while many may see these teenage boys as the innocent promgoers they are, some people in the Bible Belt conspiracy theorist might equate them with the fictitious gay mafia of their imaginations. Either that, or Willy Wonka’s fraternity.

5. While most prom dresses cost loads of money, this dress is practically made of money.

Of course, what would make this dress worse was if the money on it is real, which I'm sure isn't. Still, doesn't give her a good rep if she decides to use this picture for her online dating profile.

Of course, what would make this dress worse was if the money on it is real, which I’m sure isn’t. Still, doesn’t give her a good rep if she decides to use this picture for her online dating profile.

6. For those who love colors and prints, this psychedelic prom dress is perfect for you.

This dress's design was inspired by the designer's drug trip on the brown acid at Woodstock during his hippie days. Can you dig it, man?

This dress’s design was inspired by the designer’s drug trip on the brown acid at Woodstock during his hippie days. Can you dig it, man?

7. While prom is known for elaborate hairstyles, nobody’s has seen anything nearly as spectacular as helicopter hair.

Now I know that choppers may have very little to do with prom. But I have to appreciate that this girl's hairdresser certainly had a great sense of humor.

Now I know that choppers may have very little to do with prom. But I have to appreciate that this girl’s hairdresser certainly had a great sense of humor.

8. For those who love Star Wars, nothing says love at prom like dressing up as Anakin Skywalker and Queen Padme Amidala.

Of course, for those who've seen all the prequels, we know that their relationship doesn't end well. Yeah, I can understand why Jedi are forbidden to marry.

Of course, for those who’ve seen all the prequels, we know that their relationship doesn’t end well. Seriously, she dies of childbirth while he gets dismembered that he has to wear a Darth Vader suit. Yeah, I can understand why Jedi are forbidden to marry.

9. Nothing shows redneck pride at prom than a camo dress and a matching suit.

Unless your school's theme for prom is based off The Deer Hunter, I would really advise against it. Seriously, camo is proper during deer season, not prom season. Get it through your heads!

Unless your school’s theme for prom is based off The Deer Hunter, I would really advise against it. Seriously, camo is proper during deer season, not prom season. Get it through your heads!

10. For those who can’t afford a prom dress or don’t want one, I’m sure formal shorts and top is right for you.

Perhaps when it comes to prom dress codes for girls, you might want to go with, "Do not wear anything resembling something that Niki Minaj might wear to one of her concerts."  The guy looks kind of sleazy as well, but in a different context.

Perhaps when it comes to prom dress codes for girls, you might want to go with, “Do not wear anything resembling something that Niki Minaj might wear to one of her concerts.” The guy looks kind of sleazy as well, but in a different context.

11. While some prom dresses seem like they were made to accentuate the sexiness of supermodels, sometimes designers can go too far.

Okay, someone forgot that the top part of the dress shouldn't consist of just boob straps. Seriously, this looks incredibly slutty and it's not helped by the girl's expression that suggests that she's cheap and easy.

Okay, someone forgot that the top part of the dress shouldn’t consist of just boob straps. Seriously, this looks incredibly slutty and it’s not helped by the girl’s expression that suggests that she’s cheap and easy.

12. For those who want to catch eyes like a peacock, you can’t go wrong with a feather train.

So that's what they were doing with the tufts of the Truffula trees. And I thought they were just for Thneeds, whatever those are. Still, probably a main reason why the Lorax's forest basically went to shit due to deforestation by the Oncler.

So that’s what they were doing with the tufts of the Truffula trees. And I thought they were just for Thneeds, whatever those are. Still, probably a main reason why the Lorax’s forest basically went to shit due to deforestation by the Oncler.

13. Of course, when it comes to skimpy prom outfits, it’s not just the girls you need to worry about.

Now the girl is actually decently dressed. The guy on the other hand, is a different story. Seriously, nobody wants to see you dressed for prom as Borat at the beach.

Now the girl is actually decently dressed. The guy on the other hand, is a different story. Seriously, nobody wants to see you dressed for prom as Borat at the beach.

14. You can be the prettiest girl at prom with a dress of jewels and tie dye.

I don't know about you but people during the 1960s and 1970s didn't wear tie dye to prom for a reason. Guess her prom's theme this year is Chez a la Woodstock.

I don’t know about you but people during the 1960s and 1970s didn’t wear tie dye to prom for a reason. Guess her prom’s theme this year is Chez a la Woodstock.

15. For all you art fans out there, ever teen girl would look beautiful in this prom dress with its design inspired by the masterpieces of Jackson Pollock.

On second thought, Jackson Pollock is a horrible artist. Seriously, why spend an enormous fortune on the kind of paintings your 3 year old can make you for free? Still, this dress is just plain hideous.

On second thought, Jackson Pollock is a horrible artist. Seriously, why spend an enormous fortune on the kind of paintings your 3 year old can make you for free? Still, this dress is just plain hideous.

16. For the girl with kaleidoscope eyes, this is the prom dress for you.

Man, just looking at this dress makes me feel like I'm tripping balls. Must be inspired by some kind of acid trip during the 1970s. Yeah, it's enough to make your prom date's eye sore.

Man, just looking at this dress makes me feel like I’m tripping balls. Must be inspired by some kind of acid trip during the 1970s. Yeah, it’s enough to make your prom date’s eye sore.

17. When you really want to stand out at prom, you can’t go wrong with a dress of chartreuse.

Now if my sister or I wanted to wear a dress like this at prom, I'd know exactly what my dad would say, which is, "No way in hell." Seriously, my Grandma C wore that color and my dad just thinks it's bad fashion sense.

Now if my sister or I wanted to wear a dress like this at prom, I’d know exactly what my dad would say, which is, “No way in hell.” Seriously, my Grandma C wore that color and my dad just thinks it’s bad fashion sense.

18. Of course, shopping for prom dresses might be difficult for the unfortunate teenage girls who’ve been knocked up for awhile. But sometimes even that won’t stop them from having fun.

Now being pregnant around prom time is one thing. But wearing a dress like that? Seriously, this is just in very poor taste, maybe even by cheep hooker standards. Oh, my God, why?

Now being pregnant around prom time is one thing. But wearing a dress like that? Seriously, this is just in very poor taste, maybe even by cheep hooker standards. Oh, my God, why?

19. This elegant V-neck gown will make any teenage girl feel like a princess.

That or a fifth rate version of Miley Cyrus at the Oscars. Then again, she'd probably wear one that would show way less skin.

That or a fifth rate version of Miley Cyrus at the Oscars. Then again, she’d probably wear one that would show way less skin.

20. For prom, you can’t do wrong with a short dress and fishnet stockings.

On second thought, you definitely can. Seriously, this girl looks like a cleaned up pretty version of a back alley hooker. I mean, why would anyone let their kid wear this?

On second thought, you definitely can. Seriously, this girl looks like a cleaned up pretty version of a back alley hooker. I mean, why would anyone let their kid wear this? Wonder if she has knee high heeled boots to go with that and she’ll be all set.

21. For a more natural prom look, may I suggest you go with animal prints?

Take my advice, I hate animal prints. I think they take a reasonable looking gown and turn it into a tacky mess of poor taste. Seriously, it looks awful.

Take my advice, I hate animal prints. I think they take a reasonable looking gown and turn it into a tacky mess of poor taste. Seriously, it looks awful.

22. When it comes to prom, there’s nothing better than having your outfit support your favorite sports team.

I suppose this coordination was the guy's idea. Like camo, sports trademark formal wear simply doesn't belong. Seriously, it looks really out of place.

I suppose this coordination was the guy’s idea. Like camo, sports trademark formal wear simply doesn’t belong. Seriously, it looks really out of place.

23. May I present to you: Willy Wonka’s prom picture.

Man, they sure look happy together. Too bad Willy soon became a recluse confectioner who owned a gigantic factory run by enslaved labor. Guess this girl doesn't regret dumping him and is now married with a family.

Man, they sure look happy together. Too bad Willy soon became a recluse confectioner who owned a gigantic factory run by enslaved labor. Guess this girl doesn’t regret dumping him and is now married with a family.

24. This couples prom theme: Tribute to Dippin’ Dots: Ice Cream of the Future.

I don't see the appeal of Dippin' Dots as Ice Cream of the Future and the only place I've seen it sold is Kennywood anyway. Still, guess this couple is smarter to make their prom outfits.

I don’t see the appeal of Dippin’ Dots as Ice Cream of the Future and the only place I’ve seen it sold is Kennywood anyway. Still, guess this couple is smarter to make their prom outfits.

25. Some girls go for puffy sleeves, some not at all. This one went with spiked.

Man, guess this dress will make it difficult for her boyfriend to put his arm around her in the back of the car. Now that moment can get awkward.

Man, guess this dress will make it difficult for her boyfriend to put his arm around her in the back of the car. Now that moment can get awkward.

26. Of course, if you love John Hughes movies, you can always wear a prom dress from the 1980s.

Hey, I didn't know Dr. Felix Frankfurther wore a purple dress at his senior prom. Guess he'd love to do the Time Warp again to aim for a sensible look from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then again, maybe not.

Hey, I didn’t know Dr. Felix Frankfurther wore a purple dress at his senior prom. Guess he’d love to do the Time Warp again to aim for a sensible look from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Then again, maybe not.

27. From Jovani, here we have a lovely sequin gown of camouflage?

Sequin camo? What the fuck? Seriously, this woman may be pretty. But as for the girls who'd actually wear such a dress for prom, chances are they probably come from a trailer park. I mean why does this even exist?

Sequin camo? What the fuck? Seriously, this woman may be pretty. But as for the girls who’d actually wear such a dress for prom, chances are they probably come from a trailer park. I mean why does this even exist?

28. For the girl going to prom, make sure your dress has all the necessary trimmings.

Two pieces? Check. Colorful animal prints? Check. Midriff jewelry? Check? Yellow ruffles? Check. May I introduce to you the quintessential trashy dress for your tacky and skanky heart's content.

Two pieces? Check. Colorful animal prints? Check. Midriff jewelry? Check? Yellow ruffles? Check. May I introduce to you the quintessential trashy dress for your tacky and skanky heart’s content.

29. For those who want to shimmer in pink, this is the beautiful dress for you.

Outside is all pink and sparkles. But underneath, you have a 1970s acid fever dream. Trippy, man. I know.

Outside is all pink and sparkles. But underneath, you have a 1970s acid fever dream. Trippy, man. I know.

30. Of course, if you’re a guy, you might want to let your parents know that your prom date is a bit unconventional when it comes to her hair.

Just love the look on that guy's face. Still, you have to love these vintage pictures. The girl's punk hairdo is just so out of place in this. So funny.

Just love the look on that guy’s face. Still, you have to love these vintage pictures. The girl’s punk hairdo is just so out of place in this. So funny.

31. For the pregnant prom goer: when selecting a dress, I’d advise you to stay out of the Kim Kardashian maternity line.

Now this is just really bad. I mean teen pregnancy is nothing to write home about. But dressing like that to prom is skanky enough even if you don't have a bun in the oven.

Now this is just really bad. I mean teen pregnancy is nothing to write home about. But dressing like that to prom is skanky enough even if you don’t have a bun in the oven.

32. I call this prom dress style the slutty superheroine.

Sure she may look quite slutty, but at least she's appears as if she's Thor's exotic sassy black girlfriend. Perhaps she's an African ocean goddess.

Sure she may look quite slutty, but at least she’s appears as if she’s Thor’s exotic sassy black girlfriend. Perhaps she’s an African ocean goddess of the waves.

33. For the ladies wanting a prom to be their happily ever after, you can’t go wrong with a princess ball gown.

Okay now while everything else is fine, I think the leopard print really makes this dress less than bedazzling to me. I mean no prom princess in her right mind would want to wear a gown with ugly leopard prints on it.

Okay now while everything else is fine, I think the leopard print really makes this dress less than bedazzling to me. I mean no prom princess in her right mind would want to wear a gown with ugly leopard prints on it.

34. Hear ye, hear ye, may I presenth to you thy Tudor prom king and queen.

Of course, these prom outfits seem less suitable for ye olde prom and more appropriate for the ye olde Renaissance faire. Also, what's with the codpiece? Seriously, that don't look right.

Of course, these prom outfits seem less suitable for ye olde prom and more appropriate for the ye olde Renaissance faire. Also, what’s with the codpiece? Seriously, that don’t look right.

35. For those who love Disney but hate princesses, make your prom as sweet as honey by wearing Winnie the Pooh.

Now this set up doesn't seem skanky at all. But it's just that years from now when their kids see this prom picture, they'll probably be laughing their asses off. Seriously, I know the guy is going along with the Pooh theme because he wants some poo tang.

Now this set up doesn’t seem skanky at all. But it’s just that years from now when their kids see this prom picture, they’ll probably be laughing their asses off. Seriously, I know the guy is going along with the Pooh theme because he wants some poo tang.

36. Prom photo or still photo of some unknown 1980s hair band?

I know it's probably a 1980s prom picture. Yet, with those crazy hairstyles, no one can tell. Still, you gotta love the 1980s.

I know it’s probably a 1980s prom picture. Yet, with those crazy hairstyles, no one can tell. Still, you gotta love the 1980s. Seems like they have so many hair products to go around.

37. When you don’t have anything for prom, when in doubt, do denim.

On second thought, no, please don't. Most workplaces consider the material as below business casual, let alone a bad material for formal wear. Still, I don't know which one of this couple is more likely to trip over: the girl with the train or the guy in the elephant bell pants.

On second thought, no, please don’t. Most workplaces consider the material as below business casual, let alone a bad material for formal wear. Still, I don’t know which one of this couple is more likely to trip over: the girl with the train or the guy in the elephant bell pants.

38. Since prom is about dancing, food, excess, and sex in the high school world, it’s only reasonable that you should go with Mardi Gras.

Wait a minute, Mardi Gras was in February. Prom season is in April and May. So isn't it a little late to dress for Mardi Gras for prom?

Wait a minute, Mardi Gras was in February. Prom season is in April and May. So isn’t it a little late to dress for Mardi Gras for prom?

39. For prom, nothing makes you love American more than a patriotic prom dress and suit.

These two seem like they're the part of the pep squad for Apollo Creed or the Harlem Globetrotters. Then again, they're doing it for the Stuck at Prom competition, but still.

These two seem like they’re the part of the pep squad for Apollo Creed or the Harlem Globetrotters. Then again, they’re doing it for the Stuck at Prom competition, but still.

40. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, the Russian gangster and his Russian hooker bride.

If this was a Russian wedding picture, I might understand this a little better. But it's a prom picture and I' have no idea why the girl's parents let her wear that out of all the dresses available.

If this was a Russian wedding picture, I might understand this a little better. But it’s a prom picture and I’ have no idea why the girl’s parents let her wear that out of all the dresses available.

41. While we usually see a prom princess with a conventional ball gown, I don’t see why we shouldn’t exclude warrior prom princesses, too.

Oh, wait. Yes, I think I do see a reason. Because warrior princesses dress as skimpy as hell to appeal to a male fan base. Yeah, that's right. Still, you don't want to mess with this girl. She could be Storm from the X-Men for all you know.

Oh, wait. Yes, I think I do see a reason. Because warrior princesses dress as skimpy as hell to appeal to a male fan base. Yeah, that’s right. Still, you don’t want to mess with this girl. She could be Storm from the X-Men for all you know.

42. When you’re mellow, go with yellow. When you’re away, go with gray.

Now I know my school would never let me wear that yellow dress for prom. However, it's the gray trimmings that irk me with this outfit. Seriously, makes the girl look like she's straight from a Sci-fi TV show.

Now I know my school would never let me wear that yellow dress for prom. However, it’s the gray trimmings that irk me with this outfit. Seriously, makes the girl look like she’s straight from a sci-fi TV show.

43. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Storm Boy and Rainbow Girl.

You know your prom outfits are lame when even the yellow umbrella is snickering behind you. Still, they're probably just doing it for the art or the scholarship money so it's not like they broke their parents' bank.

You know your prom outfits are lame when even the yellow umbrella is snickering behind you. Still, they’re probably just doing it for the art or the scholarship money so it’s not like they broke their parents’ bank.

44. With a prom dress like this, any girl can look like a goddess. And by that, I mean an evil one from a sc-fi show that forces guys to have sex with her.

Yeah, I think this dress was inspired by some alien girl's outfit from Battlestar Galactica or Star Trek: The Next Generation. But I'm sure wearing this will certainly get her a date with a cute sci-fi nerd.

Yeah, I think this dress was inspired by some alien girl’s outfit from Battlestar Galactica or Star Trek: The Next Generation. But I’m sure wearing this will certainly get her a date with a cute sci-fi nerd.

45. Speaking of sci-fi prom dresses, a lady can’t go wrong with cocktail dress inspired by TRON.

Hey, girl, you might want to save your TRON dress for the geek convention where it will be a hit with the nerds. Either that, or the Black Eyed Peas Super Bowl concert.

Hey, girl, you might want to save your TRON dress for the geek convention where it will be a hit with the nerds. Either that, or the Black Eyed Peas Super Bowl concert.

46. May I present to you Sammy Stumpak and all right, how old is this guy’s date?

I know we're supposed to believe this girl is in high school. But with that dress and that hair, I swear I must've mistook her for a teacher robbing the cradle. Seriously, that dress looks so unsuitable for what teen girl would wear to prom. And that style reminds me of a few teachers I had in elementary school.

I know we’re supposed to believe this girl is in high school. But with that dress and that hair, I swear I must’ve mistook her for a teacher robbing the cradle. Seriously, that dress looks so unsuitable for what teen girl would wear to prom. And that style reminds me of a few teachers I had in elementary school.

47. Aw, now finally a nice couple prom photo. Wait a minute, is that a guy wearing a dress?

Now I'm sure guys could wear dresses if they want to. It's just that this guy looks as if he's some villain from some bad sci-fi space opera from the 1980s. I mean, that just doesn't look right to me.

Now I’m sure guys could wear dresses if they want to. It’s just that this guy looks as if he’s some villain from some bad sci-fi space opera from the 1980s. I mean, that just doesn’t look right to me.

48. Make your prom a fairytale adventure as the Queen of Hearts and the Mad Hatter.

Hey, I didn't know that the Queen of Hearts and the Mad Hatter went to prom together. Or that they were in high school at the same time. Or that Wonderland even has a high school or prom.

Hey, I didn’t know that the Queen of Hearts and the Mad Hatter went to prom together. Or that they were in high school at the same time. Or that Wonderland even has a high school or prom.

49. For prom, this couple decided to combine their tastes for deer hunting and gangster films for their outfits this year.

Now while they're clad in camo and bright orange, in accordance with deer hunting season, the guy's in a pinstripe suit assuming the look of a 1920s gangster. Seriously, I'm sure if Nucky Thompson had a hunting outfit, it would look exactly like that.

Now while they’re clad in camo and bright orange, in accordance with deer hunting season, the guy’s in a pinstripe suit assuming the look of a 1920s gangster. Seriously, I’m sure if Nucky Thompson had a hunting outfit, it would look exactly like that.

50. What way to celebrate prom than to dress up in the costumes of your European ancestors back in the home country?

I don't know about you, but I'm sure if you had European ancestors, I'm sure they didn't dress at all like that in the home country. Unless you're counting fairy tales, of course. Also, I'm sure the guy's not allowed  to bring a sword to prom.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sure if you had European ancestors, I’m sure they didn’t dress at all like that in the home country. Unless you’re counting fairy tales, of course. Also, I’m sure the guy’s not allowed to bring a sword to prom due to the zero tolerance weapons policy.

51. When it comes to pimping at prom, you have to do it in plaid.

Now dressing up as a pimp for Halloween is one thing, but for prom? Seriously, pimps exploit women by making them have sex with other guys for money. Do you really want to send that kind of message to girls?

Now dressing up as a pimp for Halloween is one thing, but for prom? Seriously, pimps exploit women by making them have sex with other guys for money. Do you really want to send that kind of message to girls?

52. Prom dress, very expensive sexy lingerie, or both?

From what I can tell, this could very well be used for prom or very overpriced sleepwear. Seriously, I'm sure my dad wouldn't want me to wear that to prom. Still, I don't think I'd want to buy it.

From what I can tell, this could very well be used for prom or very overpriced sleepwear. Seriously, I’m sure my dad wouldn’t want me to wear that to prom. Still, I don’t think I’d want to buy it.

53. With a suit like this, this guy will match both his bitches.

Now I'm sure this guy knows how to compromise with both his girlfriends since he seems to really want a threesome. However, I'm not sure if the pimp cane and cup really sends good connotations, other than the two girl thing.

Now I’m sure this guy knows how to compromise with both his girlfriends since he seems to really want a threesome. However, I’m not sure if the pimp cane and cup really sends good connotations, other than the two girl thing.

54. When you want to stand out at prom, an orange dress will certainly get you noticed.

Of course, this dress will certainly make guys think that you're an aspiring streetwalker. Not to mention, I think it goes against the high school dress codes in most states.

Of course, this dress will certainly make guys think that you’re an aspiring streetwalker. Not to mention, I think it goes against the high school dress codes in most states.

55. Of course, when you can’t buy your prom dress, you can always make your own.

Good News: Looks like these people didn't spend a lot of money on their prom outfits. Bad News: Their clothes were made from the same material. Very Bad News: The fabric is ugly.

Good News: Looks like these people didn’t spend a lot of money on their prom outfits.
Bad News: Their clothes were made from the same material.
Very Bad News: The fabric is ugly.

56. Celebrate your love for America this prom, with this patriotic princess dress.

From Ugly Dress.com: "Prom Patriots are very popular. Prom Patriots get everything they could ever want. If you dress up like the Prom Patriot everyone will like you, you will get into the college of your choice, your acne will clear up, your boobs will get bigger, the Prom King will kiss you behind the coke machine, and you will even have a baby." Yeah right.

From Ugly Dress.com: “Prom Patriots are very popular. Prom Patriots get everything they could ever want. If you dress up like the Prom Patriot everyone will like you, you will get into the college of your choice, your acne will clear up, your boobs will get bigger, the Prom King will kiss you behind the coke machine, and you will even have a baby.” Yeah right.

57. While prom dresses typically have bright beautiful colors, this isn’t always the case.

Yeah, this dress may seem decent but the color scheme really isn't appropriate. I mean spring has to be full of life. With a dress like this, everything looks dead.

Yeah, this dress may seem decent but the color scheme really isn’t appropriate. I mean spring has to be full of life. With a dress like this, everything looks dead.

58. Of course, a dress like this can really enhance your shoulders.

Reminds me of the kind of dress women would wear during the 1980s, particularly if they were rich trophy wives of Wall Street bankers. Yeah, I'm sure it would be a perfect fit for a teenage girl. Not.

Reminds me of the kind of dress women would wear during the 1980s, particularly if they were rich trophy wives of Wall Street bankers. Yeah, I’m sure it would be a perfect fit for a teenage girl. Not.

59. When it comes to prom dresses, you can’t have too much ruffles and leather.

Uh, yeah, I think you can. Seriously, seems like 1980s prom dress designs at their most ridiculous. I mean it would've looked better without the white trimmings on it.

Uh, yeah, I think you can. Seriously, seems like 1980s prom dress designs at their most ridiculous. I mean it would’ve looked better without the white trimmings on it.

60. Man, I’m not sure if it’s the prom dress or I’m just plain tripping at the moment.

Now whoever designed this dress must've been under the influence of strong hallucinogenic mushrooms or peyote in that matter. Seriously, gives me migraines just looking at it.

Now whoever designed this dress must’ve been under the influence of strong hallucinogenic mushrooms or peyote in that matter. Seriously, gives me migraines just looking at it.

61. Prom dress or German barmaid outfit?

I think I might've seen a similar dress on a wax figure of Rhihanna. Doesn't really seem appropriate for her. Still, hope she saves it to wear for Oktoberfest.

I think I might’ve seen a similar dress on a wax figure of Rhianna. Doesn’t really seem appropriate for her. Still, hope she saves it to wear for Oktoberfest.

62. Prom princess or giant princess cupcake?

Now I'm sure she can party all she wants. But she needs to be home by midnight or her ride will turn back into a pumpkin and her driver back into a mouse. However, she'll accept any proposal from the guy who returns her glass slipper.

Now I’m sure she can party all she wants. But she needs to be home by midnight or her ride will turn back into a pumpkin and her driver back into a mouse. However, she’ll accept any proposal from the guy who returns her glass slipper.

63. Can’t really tell whether these two are on their way to prom or a back alley dance club.

Of course, it's probably prom since their outfits seem to be made from duct tape for the "Stuck at Prom" competition. They're probably repressed art students, go figure.

Of course, it’s probably prom since their outfits seem to be made from duct tape for the “Stuck at Prom” competition. They’re probably repressed art students, go figure.

64. For those wanting to get in touch with their wild side, this jungle princess prom dress is a perfect fit.

Now if this wasn't a prom dress, I could've almost mistake it for a Victoria's Secret lingerie ad. Seriously, kind of looks unbelievably skimpy once you add leopard prints.

Now if this wasn’t a prom dress, I could’ve almost mistake it for a Victoria’s Secret lingerie ad. Seriously, kind of looks unbelievably skimpy once you add leopard prints.

65. Ladies and gentlemen, all hail Queen Vespa from the planet Saldor.

I don't know about you, but I could see one of Captain Kirk's love interests wearing this very outfit on an episode from the original Star Trek. If she painted herself green, she could even go to a Star Trek convention in that very outfit.

I don’t know about you, but I could see one of Captain Kirk’s love interests wearing this very outfit on an episode from the original Star Trek. If she painted herself green, she could even go to a Star Trek convention in that very outfit.

66. Everyone, I give you the prom outfits from the future.

Of course, when I look at these outfits, it makes me not look forward to what high school kids might wear for prom in the future. This is especially the case with the guy wearing a brown suit.

Of course, when I look at these outfits, it makes me not look forward to what high school kids might wear for prom in the future. This is especially the case with the guy wearing a brown suit.

67. Sometimes when it comes to prom dresses, you have to go with what you got.

However, I'm sure repurposing beer crates as prom dresses probably isn't a good idea. Seriously, you aren't even allowed to wear beer shirts at school, let alone beer crates at prom.

However, I’m sure repurposing beer crates as prom dresses probably isn’t a good idea. Seriously, you aren’t even allowed to wear beer shirts at school, let alone beer crates at prom.

68. No I do declare, you can’t go wrong at prom dressed as a Southern Belle and her gentleman beau.

Worst Gone with the Wind cosplay I've ever seen. Seriously, the dress color is terrible. And frankly, my dear, I really do give a damn.

Worst Gone with the Wind cosplay I’ve ever seen. Seriously, the dress color is terrible. And frankly, my dear, I really do give a damn.

69. Some people see prom as a fairy tale while others just go to prom to just chill.

Yeah, prom should be about peace, love, and rock n' roll. Of course, a lot of people have sex after prom. But still, these outfits seem more suitable for Woodstock than perhaps a formal high school dance.

Yeah, prom should be about peace, love, and rock n’ roll. Of course, a lot of people have sex after prom. But still, these outfits seem more suitable for Woodstock than perhaps a formal high school dance.

70. Remember, ladies, make sure the top half of your prom dress corresponds with your bra size.

Yeah, I see a future with this girl after high school. Seems like she'll spend a great chunk of her life turning a lot of tricks and taking her clothes at certain establishments. Wouldn't be surprised if a former classmate saw her at the Filly Corral.

Yeah, I see a future with this girl after high school. Seems like she’ll spend a great chunk of her life turning a lot of tricks and taking her clothes at certain establishments. Wouldn’t be surprised if a former classmate saw her at the Filly Corral.

71. Nothing makes a pimp stand out than a suit of leopard prints in lime green.

For one, lime green isn't a great color for prom. Seriously, it's a hideous color. Second, I'm sure a lime green pimp outfit doesn't make a guy look any badass. In fact, it just makes you look ridiculous.

For one, lime green isn’t a great color for prom. Seriously, it’s a hideous color. Second, I’m sure a lime green pimp outfit doesn’t make a guy look any badass. In fact, it just makes you look ridiculous.

72. Taking a prom photo with guns. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Now it's one thing to take a prom photo with guns. It's a whole different matter when the guy is dressed up like a 1920s gangster. And the fact it's so unintentional makes it even funnier.

Now it’s one thing to take a prom photo with guns. It’s a whole different matter when the guy is dressed up like a 1920s gangster. And the fact it’s so unintentional makes it even funnier.

73. When it comes to princess gown skirts, some girls think bigger is better.

Now zebra print shoes and jacket aside, I wonder how this girl ever manages to sit in the car with that thing on. At least her dad could be happy that these two will have a very difficult time getting it on afterwards.

Now zebra print shoes and jacket aside, I wonder how this girl ever manages to sit in the car with that thing on. At least her dad could be happy that these two will have a very difficult time getting it on afterwards.

74. For those who dislike leopard prints, you can always go with zebras.

It's amazing how animal prints can turn a reasonably slutty dress like this, into one that's even more suitable for aspiring street walkers. Seriously, no self-respecting parent would want their daughter wearing that.

It’s amazing how animal prints can turn a reasonably slutty dress like this, into one that’s even more suitable for aspiring street walkers. Seriously, no self-respecting parent would want their daughter wearing that.

75. When it comes to couples, many believe that they should match.

For some reason, though I think the girl's dress is slutty enough, I think the guy's outfit is much worse. Seriously, it looks like some crazy bodysuit you'd see in some sex dungeon or something.

For some reason, though I think the girl’s dress is slutty enough, I think the guy’s outfit is much worse. Seriously, it looks like some crazy bodysuit you’d see in some sex dungeon or something.

76. Prom dress or futuristic dress for a sexy maid?

Yeah, I think tin the future, all the fembots would wear outfits like these so they can please their dirty old but terminally single masters by bowing to their every desire. Seriously, this dress is as tacky as hell.

Yeah, I think tin the future, all the fembots would wear outfits like these so they can please their dirty old but terminally single masters by bowing to their every desire. Seriously, this dress is as tacky as hell.

77. Come hither, come hither, lords and ladies, to the age old tradition of prom.

So that's how the first Blackadder managed to get laid and have descendants. Too bad women will soon find him repulsive and he'd be compelled to marry a child, but that's another episode. Oh, wait did they have prom in medieval England? Who cares.

So that’s how the first Blackadder managed to get laid and have descendants. Too bad women will soon find him repulsive and he’d be compelled to marry a child, but that’s another episode. Oh, wait did they have prom in medieval England? Who cares.

78. Nothing brings out the spirit of prom than showing your love for Mountain Dew.

I'm sure these two are getting paid for doing this. Seriously, that's the only reason why I'd wear a Mountain Dew dress. Also, the guy seems like he's one face paint away from being a Batman villain.

I’m sure these two are getting paid for doing this. Seriously, that’s the only reason why I’d wear a Mountain Dew dress. Also, the guy seems like he’s one face paint away from being a Batman villain.

79. If your date is dressed up like a 1920s gangster, here’s a great dress to complement it.

Now this dress would actually be pretty nice for prom. However, you just need to remove the low hanging trimmings, which make it look ridiculous. Seriously, I'm sure flappers didn't wear a dress like that.

Now this dress would actually be pretty nice for prom. However, you just need to remove the low hanging trimmings, which make it look ridiculous. Seriously, I’m sure flappers didn’t wear a dress like that.

80. Now this one is called the “Mermaid Sweetheart” dress. But it kind of seems gothy to me.

Of course, when she's done with the dress after prom, she could send it to the funeral home where they could use it for coffin liner.

Of course, when she’s done with the dress after prom, she could send it to the funeral home where they could use it for coffin liner.

The Wonderful World of Architecture (Second Edition)

Mughal-Architecture-2

I know that my post last November on architecture but I thought that since it’s very close to Easter and I have nothing going on until Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, I thought I’d do another post on a scourge of pandemic proportions that no one’s talking about: modern architecture. For a long time in the world, cities have been plagued by building projects that serve to uglify their skylines. Sure there are masterpieces like the Sydney Opera House, the Church of the Sagrada Familia, the Chrysler Building, the Empire State Building, or the Gateway Arch. But there are also hideous skyscrapers, unholy looking churches, and public buildings that either suggest the architect was on acid or what. Tourists who visit these cities wonder whether the metropolitan area is going to pot or trying to imitate Las Vegas or Soviet Russia. Either way, many modern buildings are seen as unending eyesores to the populace, which I will show you know. So without further adieu, here are some more disasterpieces of architecture for your pleasure.

1. I begin with bringing you just some drab old office building in the middle of nowhere.

Wait, that's the North Dakota State Capitol. Seriously, I guess the state wasn't looking for someone with any imagination. Seems like something straight out of the Soviet Union if you ask me.

Wait, that’s the North Dakota State Capitol. Seriously, I guess the state wasn’t looking for someone with any imagination. Seems like something straight out of the Soviet Union if you ask me.

2. Behold, I give you the world’s largest glass vagina.

I'm sorry with resorting to vulgarities. But when I look at it, I just can't help thinking about how it looks so much like a glittering giant snatch.

I’m sorry with resorting to vulgarities. But when I look at it, I just can’t help thinking about how it looks so much like a glittering giant snatch.

3. Seems like this piece of modern architecture was supposed to be constructed on a different planet.

This is the No. 1 Poultry building in London. And yeah, it's just atrocious with it's striped earth tones and glass. Seems like an airport terminal at Tattooine.

This is the No. 1 Poultry building in London. And yeah, it’s just atrocious with it’s striped earth tones and glass. Seems like an airport terminal at Tattooine.

4. Ladies and gentleman, may I introduce you to the Safety Razor tower.

I'm sure this would be an appropriate corporate headquarters for Gillette. But I wonder if any of their employees want to work inside a safety razor building.

I’m sure this would be an appropriate corporate headquarters for Gillette. But I wonder if any of their employees want to work inside a safety razor building.

5. Now here is a skyscraper that’s befit for any supervillian with money to burn like Lex Luthor.

It's actually the RSA Battle House Tower in Mobile, Alabama and the tallest in the city. I think it's an office complex and hotel. But still, you can totally imagine Lex Luthor living there, right?

It’s actually the RSA Battle House Tower in Mobile, Alabama and the tallest in the city. I think it’s an office complex and hotel. But still, you can totally imagine Lex Luthor living there, right?

6. When looking at this building, you’d expect it to be a luxury mothership with little green men inside.

Hate to disappoint those UFO conspiracy theorists out there. But this is the Valencia Opera House (aka the Queen Sofia Palace of the Arts) in Spain. Of course, this would be a perfect place for a Spanish space opera if you get my drift.

Hate to disappoint those UFO conspiracy theorists out there. But this is the Valencia Opera House (aka the Queen Sofia Palace of the Arts) in Spain. Of course, this would be a perfect place for a Spanish space opera if you get my drift.

7. In Soviet Mother Russia, this house ring brings the concept of Rear Window to a whole new level.

Of course, this reminds me of an abandoned football stadium or a modernized Colosseum that was deserted long ago. Either way, this house ring ain't pretty to say the least.

Of course, this reminds me of an abandoned football stadium or a modernized Colosseum that was deserted long ago. Either way, this house ring ain’t pretty to say the least.

8. In the future office buildings will be docked with a 9/11 tribute as a well a UFO landing pad so the aliens can show up to intergalactic business meetings.

Actually this is the national headquarters for Brazil's National Congress in Brasilia. Sure I'm sure Brasilia is a capital city where the extra terrestrials will feel at home.

Actually this is the national headquarters for Brazil’s National Congress in Brasilia. Sure I’m sure Brasilia is a capital city where the extra terrestrials will feel at home.

9. When designing this building, the architect must’ve said, “Hmmm..Roman columns in modernist design. Sure let’s go with that.”

This is the Mazda 2 Building in Tokyo, Japan or as I call it, a lousy attempt at Art Deco. Still, I think Godzilla smashing this building would improve its looks.

This is the Mazda 2 Building in Tokyo, Japan or as I call it, a lousy attempt at Art Deco. Still, I think Godzilla smashing this building would improve its looks.

10. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world’s fanciest giant hypodermic needle.

This building is the Taipei 101 in Taiwan which was once the tallest building in the world. Still, it's meant to withstand earthquakes and typhoons for better or for worse. But you can't help but think it's probably more suitable for Las Vegas.

This building is the Taipei 101 in Taiwan which was once the tallest building in the world. Still, it’s meant to withstand earthquakes and typhoons for better or for worse. But you can’t help but think it’s probably more suitable for Las Vegas.

11. Building or spaceship crash?

Sure it's a building but it just seems like this is a spaceship that fell down to earth upside down before impact. That or a bad attempt at origami.

Sure it’s a building but it just seems like this is a spaceship that fell down to earth upside down before impact. That or a bad attempt at origami.

12. This is the grave of Ho Chi Minh which is said to evoke Vietnamese traditions such as the communal house and the lotus flower. How the two are combined in this building is unclear.

Still, while cruel observers remark on how it resembles a Greco-Roman public toilet, I think it's just a Soviet style rip off of the Parthenon. Of course, Ho Chi Minh wished to be cremated but that didn't happen.

Still, while cruel observers remark on how it resembles a Greco-Roman public toilet, I think it’s just a Soviet style rip off of the Parthenon. Of course, Ho Chi Minh wished to be cremated but that didn’t happen.

13. When you first look at Dubai’s Atlantis Hotel, you have to wonder whether the UAE city does Muslim weddings with an Elvis impersonator.

China.org remarks how it's, "an unholy architectural amalgam of Arabian Nights, 1980s TV soap "Dynasty" and a classic pink Durex." Of course, I think it's basically a sign that Dubai is well on its way to becoming the Las Vegas of the Middle East. Seriously, the hotel's architecture is totally Vegas.

China.org remarks how it’s, “an unholy architectural amalgam of Arabian Nights, 1980s TV soap “Dynasty” and a classic pink Durex.” Of course, I think it’s basically a sign that Dubai is well on its way to becoming the Las Vegas of the Middle East. Seriously, the hotel’s architecture is totally Vegas.

14. Man, seems like the Illuminati have a very elaborate headquarters from the looks of it.

Okay, I'm sorry, Kazakhstan, I didn't mean to insult your presidential palace and ministry buildings. However, the golden towers resemble beer cans and the Orda palace seems like it's the headquarters of some New World Order.

Okay, I’m sorry, Kazakhstan, I didn’t mean to insult your presidential palace and ministry buildings. However, the golden towers resemble beer cans and the Orda palace seems like it’s the headquarters for the masonic Grand Master of some New World Order.

15. Seems like this golden ball tower appears to resemble Sauron’s Tower if it was built in Rivendell.

This is the 344ft Bayterek Tower in Astana, Kazakhstan. It's an observation tower representing a popular tree holding a golden egg. Of course, the conspiracy theorists will go crazy on this one.

This is the 344ft Bayterek Tower in Astana, Kazakhstan. It’s an observation tower representing a popular tree holding a golden egg. Of course, the conspiracy theorists will go crazy on this one.

16. Abandoned Las Vegas hotel complex or President Snow’s vacation home from The Hunger Games?

Actually it's the Triumph of Astana in Kazakhstan. It was modeled after the Seven Sisters skyscrapers in Moscow. It's an hotel and office complex. However, I'm sure that it's a palace fit for any 1970s sci-fi overlord.

Actually it’s the Triumph of Astana in Kazakhstan. It was modeled after the Seven Sisters skyscrapers in Moscow. It’s an hotel and office complex. However, I’m sure that it’s a palace fit for any 1970s sci-fi overlord.

17. Man, that’s the most elaborate doughnut I’ve ever seen. I wonder if this is the world headquarters for Dunkin’ Doughnuts.

It's actually a skyscraper in Guangzhou, China. According to its architect Joseph DiPasquale, “Native Chinese landmark…inspired by the strong iconic value of jade discs and numerological tradition of feng shui, in particular, the double disc of jade (bi-disk) is the royal symbol of an ancient Chinese dynasty that reigned in this area around 2000 years ago." Yeah, but still looks like a giant sci-fi doughnut to me.

It’s actually a skyscraper in Guangzhou, China. According to its architect Joseph DiPasquale, “Native Chinese landmark…inspired by the strong iconic value of jade discs and numerological tradition of feng shui, in particular, the double disc of jade (bi-disk) is the royal symbol of an ancient Chinese dynasty that reigned in this area around 2000 years ago.” Yeah, but still looks like a giant sci-fi doughnut to me.

18. Wow, quite the rendition of Luke Skywalker’s home on Tattooine. Well, if he didn’t grow up a water farmer.

Actually that's the Brazil's National Library in Brasilia. Yeah, it doesn't really embody the country's character too well. Hey, don't ask me why Brasilia's buildings are so futuristically sterile and bland.

Actually that’s the Brazil’s National Library in Brasilia. Yeah, it doesn’t really embody the country’s character too well. Hey, don’t ask me why Brasilia’s buildings are so futuristically sterile and bland.

19. For the supervillian with the most enormous ego that money can buy, this enormous skyscraper is perfect for you.

This is the Burj al Khalifa in Dubai, the tallest building in the world. It's 2,722 ft tall with 163 floors. It's also said to have had a labor controversy in the construction. Still, it kind of embodies Dubai's excesses and is quite the eyesore.

This is the Burj al Khalifa in Dubai, the tallest building in the world. It’s 2,722 ft tall with 163 floors. It’s also said to have had a labor controversy in the construction. Still, it kind of embodies Dubai’s excesses and is quite the eyesore.

20. I give you a literal cat house.

This is a preschool in Germany which I think is subtly terrifying if you ask me. Still, kind of gives the term "cat house" a whole new meaning.

This is a preschool in Germany which I think is subtly terrifying if you ask me. Still, kind of gives the term “cat house” a whole new meaning.

21. I daresay for I didn’t know that the Soviets built ornate high rise apartments with crosses on them.

Actually this is the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels in Los Angeles, California. Look, I'm perfectly fine with modern Catholic Church architecture and I know some of these buildings are nicer on the inside. However, this is just an architectural travesty.

Actually this is the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels in Los Angeles, California. Look, I’m perfectly fine with modern Catholic Church architecture and I know some of these buildings are nicer on the inside. However, this is just an architectural travesty.

22. Let’s hope nobody is banging on this ornate drum all day.

Yes, it's on the Guinness World Records as the biggest drum in the world. However, this is the Hefei Wanda Culture and Tourism Exhibition Center in Hefei City, east China's Anhui province. Still, seems like a little girl's palace for a sci-fi movie.

Yes, it’s on the Guinness World Records as the biggest drum in the world. However, this is the Hefei Wanda Culture and Tourism Exhibition Center in Hefei City, east China’s Anhui province. Still, seems like a little girl’s palace for a sci-fi movie.

23. Bizarre giant hypodermic needle or sci-fi tower from another planet?

This is the Oriental Pearl TV Tower in Shanghai, China. It's the tallest building in the city. It's 2,073 ft high and has 128 floors. But yes, it's quite horrendous.

This is the Oriental Pearl TV Tower in Shanghai, China. It’s the tallest building in the city. It’s 2,073 ft high and has 128 floors. But yes, it’s quite horrendous.

24. Massive Soviet style corns of the cob complex or sci-fi styled curling iron towers?

Actually these are the Marina City Towers of Chicago. Now the bottom ten floors are used for parking while the rest for condos. Still, this is quite a skysore place with barely an character.

Actually these are the Marina City Towers of Chicago. Now the bottom ten floors are used for parking while the rest for condos. Still, this is quite a skysore place with barely an character.

25. I guess this building’s architect was inspired by a pile of duct tape lying in the street and designed this.

This is the Walt Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles, California. Of course, this was designed by Frank Gehry who tends to draw inspiration for his projects through amateur dumpster diving, it seems.

This is the Walt Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles, California. Of course, this was designed by Frank Gehry who tends to draw inspiration for his projects through amateur dumpster diving, it seems.

26. Don’t look now, but I think there’s some giant slimy monster on the loose in this neck of the woods.

This is actually the Kunsthaus Graz in Graz, Austria. It's a contemporary art museum, which is perhaps fitting. But still resembles an alien monster from another dimension.

This is actually the Kunsthaus Graz in Graz, Austria. It’s a contemporary art museum, which is perhaps fitting. But still resembles an alien monster from another dimension.

27. I dub this building the First Church of the Nuclear Bunker which is part of the Doomsday Church of Revelation.

I hear the people of this congregation attend services wearing hats made of tin foil they think will protect them from the heathen alien invaders. Yes, they are that out there.

I hear the people of this congregation attend services wearing hats made of tin foil they think will protect them from the heathen alien invaders. Yes, they are that out there.

28. Only in China will you find a Tea museum that is designed like a massive teapot and cup.

This is the Meitan Tea Museum in the Guizhou Province which is the biggest tea producer in China. It's the largest pot of tea in the world. And you thought the Brits were tea crazy? They're tea prudes compared to the Chinese.

This is the Meitan Tea Museum in the Guizhou Province which is the biggest tea producer in China. It’s the largest pot of tea in the world. And you thought the Brits were tea crazy? They’re tea prudes compared to the Chinese.

29. Now this building seems rather fishy to me mostly because it’s a literal fish out of water.

This is the office for the National Fisheries Development in Rajendranager, Hyderabad, India. It's supposed to be a flounder. Still, I wonder how their workers feel about having to work in a giant fish every day.

This is the office for the National Fisheries Development in Rajendranager, Hyderabad, India. It’s supposed to be a flounder. Still, I wonder how their workers feel about having to work in a giant fish every day.

30. Now in South Korea, architecture is literally going down the toilet.

This is the Toilet Museum in Suwon City, South Korea so the commode shape is only fitting. It's basically a toilet theme park. Also has a lot of shitting outdoor statues. I'm not making this up.

This is the Toilet Museum in Suwon City, South Korea so the commode shape is only fitting. It’s basically a toilet theme park. Also has a lot of shitting outdoor statues. I’m not making this up.

31. I suppose this building was inspired by a pile of glass or it’s some evil overlord’s vacation home.

This is Kazakhstan's Central Concert Hall in Astana. And though I like the color, it just seems like a combination of the old Soviet style and Frank Gehry. Thus, utter crap.

This is Kazakhstan’s Central Concert Hall in Astana. And though I like the color, it just seems like a combination of the old Soviet style and Frank Gehry. Thus, utter crap.

32. Of course, I can’t think of a more appropriate home for a megachurch televangelist than this Jesus infused abode.

My mistake. This is the Mother Teresa Memorial House in Skopje, Macedonia where she was from. Yes, it's a tacky architectural disaster. Still, saint or not, Mother Teresa deserved better than this.

My mistake. This is the Mother Teresa Memorial House in Skopje, Macedonia where she was from. Yes, it’s a tacky architectural disaster. Still, saint or not, Mother Teresa deserved better than this travesty.

33. Of course, in case of a saucer landing, this is the perfect structure for the job.

This is the Theme Building at Los Angeles International Airport. Still, I'm sure the aliens would find LA quite accommodating, especially for those seeking a career in show biz.

This is the Theme Building at Los Angeles International Airport. Still, I’m sure the aliens would find LA quite accommodating, especially for those seeking a career in show biz.

34. Massive badly design camera or Star Trek villain headquarters?

This is the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was designed by a French guy and named after an Englishmen. Still, pretty horrendous and more suited as an abode for an evil overlord.

This is the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was designed by a French guy and named after an Englishmen. Still, pretty horrendous and more suited as an abode for an evil overlord.

35. Behold, may I present to you the world’s largest golden golf ball of the Sun.

This is called the Matrimandir which is in Auroville, Bommayapalayam, Tamil Nadu in India. It's an edifice of spiritual significance for practitioners in integral yoga. However, to me, it's just a golden golf ball merged with EPCOT.

This is called the Matrimandir which is in Auroville, Bommayapalayam, Tamil Nadu in India. It’s an edifice of spiritual significance for practitioners in integral yoga. However, to me, it’s just a golden golf ball merged with EPCOT at Disney World.

36. When it comes to designing apartment buildings, what might look good in Legos won’t always translate well in real life.

This is a building in Amsterdam in the Netherlands. Of course, it also kind of appears as if a bunch of houses were stacked up against each other. Yet, everything doesn't seem to match.

This is a building in Amsterdam in the Netherlands. Of course, it also kind of appears as if a bunch of houses were stacked up against each other. Yet, everything doesn’t seem to match.

37. Futuristic hotel or a place that doubles as an apartment building and air traffic control tower?

This is the Genex Tower in Belgrade, Serbia which is one of the largest towers in Eastern Europe. It has two towers connected by a revolving restaurant on the top. One tower is occupied by the Genex group, the other a residential area.

This is the Genex Tower in Belgrade, Serbia which is one of the largest towers in Eastern Europe. It has two towers connected by a revolving restaurant on the top. One tower is occupied by the Genex group, the other a residential area.

38. Let me guess, this building was designed for a cell phone company. Wonder how I can guess that?

This is the Kunming City Xingyao Phone City in China. Of course, the building is actually a cell phone but certainly not one most people use today at least in the states.

This is the Kunming City Xingyao Phone City in China. Of course, the building is actually a cell phone but certainly not one most people use today at least in the states.

39. Now here we come to an abandoned nuclear power plant.

Oh, wait a minute this is the Landmark Theater in Ilfracombe, Devon in England. Still, I wonder what function do those large stacks have because they don't seem to have an purpose.

Oh, wait a minute this is the Landmark Theater in Ilfracombe, Devon in England. Still, I wonder what function do those large stacks have because they don’t seem to have an purpose.

40. Only in China could you see a large building that contains 3 scary guys in elaborate robes.

This is the Tianzi Hotel in Beijing, China. That large edifice has 3 Chinese gods that symbolize prosperity, achievement, and career happiness. Still, I'm not sure if tourists would understand since these guys seem quite terrifying.

This is the Tianzi Hotel in Beijing, China. That large edifice has 3 Chinese gods that symbolize prosperity, achievement, and career happiness. Still, I’m not sure if tourists would understand since these guys seem quite terrifying.

41. Prison or prison chapel? You decide.

This is called the Donau City Church in Vienna, Austria. It's a Catholic Church but I doubt you'd find any stain glass windows. The inside is bound to make your eyes go nuts.

This is called the Donau City Church in Vienna, Austria. It’s a Catholic Church but I doubt you’d find any stain glass windows. The inside is bound to make your eyes go nuts.

42. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Lipstick Tower.

This is the Mercury City Tower in Moscow, which is Europe's tallest building at 1,112ft. However, I'm sure it doesn't make a nice tube of lipstick because its color is terrible.

This is the Mercury City Tower in Moscow, which is Europe’s tallest building at 1,112ft. However, I’m sure it doesn’t make a nice tube of lipstick because its color is terrible.

43. Nevertheless, I call this one, the Turd Building because it looks like shit, literally.

This is the Ordos Museum in China constructed by the MAD studio. Still, why they thought it ought to be designed like a giant turd, I have no idea.

This is the Ordos Museum in China constructed by the MAD studio. Still, why they thought it ought to be designed like a giant turd, I have no idea.

44. Brutalist bank building or minimum security Soviet prison?

Sorry, my mistake. That's the Oregon State Capitol building. I know it just seems like the place you'd see Winston Smith working at in the novel 1984.

Sorry, my mistake. That’s the Oregon State Capitol building. I know it just seems like the place you’d see Winston Smith working at in the novel 1984 (which is the Ministry of Truth, by the way).

45. Since one Chrysler building wasn’t enough for Dubai, they decided to double it.This is the result.

Fortunately for New York, Dubai turned out to be a rather poor copycat in this case. Seriously, it's basically the Chrysler Building meets Las Vegas.

Fortunately for New York, Dubai turned out to be a rather poor copycat in this case. Seriously, it’s basically the Chrysler Building meets Las Vegas.

46. This is the building you get when you cross the PPG place with some evil overlord’s castle tower.

This is the Gazprom Headquarters in Moscow. Gazprom is a natural gas and oil company based in Russia as well as one of the largest in the world. So in my book, I'd say they're evil.

This is the Gazprom Headquarters in Moscow. Gazprom is a natural gas and oil company based in Russia as well as one of the largest in the world. So in my book, I’d say they’re evil.

47. Of course, the best place to learn music is at a building containing a giant piano and glass violin.

This is the Piano House in Huainan City in China which was designed by architectural students at Hefei University of Technology. It was mainly built to draw interest to the city. Even lights up at night.

This is the Piano House in Huainan City in China which was designed by architectural students at Hefei University of Technology. It was mainly built to draw interest to the city. Even lights up at night.

48. When it comes to skyscrapers, you can’t go wrong with too many green rings, right?

This is the Clal Insurance Building in Tel Aviv, Israel. Nevertheless, I'm not sure if the green rings go well with the glittery glass windows. But that's just me.

This is the Clal Insurance Building in Tel Aviv, Israel. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if the green rings go well with the glittery glass windows. But that’s just me.

49. Man, I wonder what it’s like to live in a city where the most prominent thing is a giant rocket missile.

This is the Žižkov Television Tower in Prague. What's even more horrifying besides the missile shape is that it has crawling babies on the side. Eeek!

This is the Žižkov Television Tower in Prague. What’s even more horrifying besides the missile shape is that it has crawling babies on the side. Eeek!

50. Monument for Soviet Communism or the salute to tools?

This is a monument in Pyongyang, North Korea and yes, it does have a Communist feel to it. Still, it's to be expected.

This is a monument in Pyongyang, North Korea and yes, it does have a Communist feel to it. Still, it’s to be expected.

51. I give you the Arc d’ Triumphe, well, not quite.

Actually this is a piece from Pyongyang, North Korea as well. And yes, it just seems like a combination of the Arc d' Triumphe, Stalinism, and Asian architecture which comes out horrendous.

Actually this is a piece from Pyongyang, North Korea as well. And yes, it just seems like a combination of the Arc d’ Triumphe, Stalinism, and Asian architecture which comes out horrendous.

52. You know you’ve hit the jackpot with Soviet architecture if you find a building shaped like a concrete banana.

This is the Palace of Concerts and Sports in Vilnius, Lithuania. But, yeah, it does kind of remind me of a banana for some reason. Must be the shape.

This is the Palace of Concerts and Sports in Vilnius, Lithuania. But, yeah, it does kind of remind me of a banana for some reason. Must be the shape.

53. Now I’m sure this is the perfect government headquarters for an evil totalitarian regime.

This is in Pyongyang, North Korea. However, considering that North Korea is one of the most repressive countries ever, this building is quite fitting, indeed.

This is in Pyongyang, North Korea. However, considering that North Korea is one of the most repressive countries ever, this building is quite fitting, indeed.

54.Tacky hotel in Florida or minimum security prison?

This is the Rin Grand Hotel in Bucharest, Romania, a city not known for its southwest color schemes. Seems like the designers were referencing outdated textbooks when they built this thing.

This is the Rin Grand Hotel in Bucharest, Romania, a city not known for its southwest color schemes. Seems like the designers were referencing outdated textbooks when they built this thing.

55. Now this seems like a dystopian shopping mall. Wonder what kind of clothes it would sell.

This is Seattle's Public Library in Washington state. But I'd sure not want to think that a boxy glass building would be a nice place to read.

This is Seattle’s Public Library in Washington state. But I’d sure not want to think that a boxy glass building would be a nice place to read.

56. It’s one thing to depend on the bottle. But it’s a different matter if you work in one.

This is the Wuliangye Building, Yibin in the Sichuan province in China. It's supposed to resemble a bottle of hard liquor. Sure it's in bad taste but the company is just laughing all the way to the bank by now.

This is the Wuliangye Building, Yibin in the Sichuan province in China. It’s supposed to resemble a bottle of hard liquor. Sure it’s in bad taste but the company is just laughing all the way to the bank by now.

57. Nothing makes your city well know than a large building of a giant bald head.

This is the Planetario Galileo Galilei in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I guess this was made more for function by the looks of it.

This is the Planetario Galileo Galilei in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I guess this was made more for function by the looks of it.

58. Sometimes old styles can be revived, other times not so much.

Now while a Ziggurat skyscraper may look awesome in Ancient Sumer, it doesn't go well as a skyscraper in the 21st century. Seriously, why?

Now while a Ziggurat skyscraper may look awesome in Ancient Sumer, it doesn’t go well as a skyscraper in the 21st century. Seriously, why?

59. With the bottle building, I’m sure it will go well with this bottle opener.

This is the Shanghai World Financial Center in China. And yes, it looks like a massive bottle opener, but not as ritzy as the one from Saudi Arabia.

This is the Shanghai World Financial Center in China. And yes, it looks like a massive bottle opener, but not as ritzy as the one from Saudi Arabia.

60. So I guess that UFOs exist then.

My mistake, this is the Metropolitan Circus in Astana Kazakhstan. Sorry, alien conspiracy theorist. Yet, I'm sure this certainly reminds me of a flying saucer for obvious reasons.

My mistake, this is the Metropolitan Circus in Astana Kazakhstan. Sorry, alien conspiracy theorist. Yet, I’m sure this certainly reminds me of a flying saucer for obvious reasons.

61. Now I’m sure this must be a sanctuary for aliens by the looks of it.

Actually this is a Russian Orthodox Church as far as I know. Why it's designed that way I have no idea.

Actually this is a Russian Orthodox Church as far as I know. Why it’s designed that way I have no idea.

62. Evil headquarters or dystopian stadium theater?

This is called the Karen Demirchyan Sport and Concert Complex in Armenia. But you probably think it's a cross between a Chinese temple and a Flash Gordon spacecraft.

This is called the Karen Demirchyan Sport and Concert Complex in Armenia. But you probably think it’s a cross between a Chinese temple and a Flash Gordon spacecraft.

63. Dystopian missile depot, spaceport, or airport terminal? You decide, folks.

This is the Prita Top Spa Hotel in Estonia. It's styled to look like a cruise ship but I'm not sure how that could. Doesn't resemble one to me. Either that, or the Soviet cruise ships were that ugly.

This is the Prita Top Spa Hotel in Estonia. It’s styled to look like a cruise ship but I’m not sure how that could. Doesn’t resemble one to me. Either that, or the Soviet cruise ships were that ugly.

64. Now if you’re a big fan of German Expressionist films or dystopian novels, this is the place for you.

This is the Fyodor Dostoyevsky Novogrod Theater Complex in Russia. Sure it's an old Soviet building. But it kind of reminds me of a German Expressionist version of Willy Wonka's factory.

This is the Fyodor Dostoyevsky Novogrod Theater Complex in Russia. Sure it’s an old Soviet building. But it kind of reminds me of a German Expressionist version of Willy Wonka’s factory.

65. For those ruling dystopian regimes where free speech and other rights are basically restricted, here is the palace for you.

This is the Palace of Ceremonies in Tbilisi, Georgia. It's privately owned now. But there's just something phallic about it. I can't put my finger on it.

This is the Palace of Ceremonies in Tbilisi, Georgia. It’s privately owned now. But there’s just something phallic about it. I can’t put my finger on it.

66. Nothing says architectural excellence like a building of a giant dog bowl.

This is the Palace of Creativity in Astana, Kazakhstan. It's creative all right, but as an architectural masterpiece? Not a chance. I mean it looks like a giant dog bowl.

This is the Palace of Creativity in Astana, Kazakhstan. It’s creative all right, but as an architectural masterpiece? Not a chance. I mean it looks like a giant dog bowl.

67. While not fighting the Rebel Alliance, Darth Vader likes to kick back and relax at his sparse vacation home.

Now this is the Cathedral of Saint Mary of the Assumption, which serves as headquarters for the Catholic Archdiocese of San Francisco, California. Yeah, compared to the rest of the city, it's quite plain. Still reminds me of Darth Vader's vacation home for some reason.

Now this is the Cathedral of Saint Mary of the Assumption, which serves as headquarters for the Catholic Archdiocese of San Francisco, California. Yeah, compared to the rest of the city, it’s quite plain. Still reminds me of Darth Vader’s vacation home for some reason.

68. Now this skyscraper symbolizes the opulence of Communist Russia?

This piece of Stalinist architecture is the Seven Sisters skyscraper in Moscow. It's one of those buildings that combines the ego of Josef Stalin to the glitz of Las Vegas and not in a good way.

This piece of Stalinist architecture is the Seven Sisters skyscraper in Moscow. It’s one of those buildings that combines the ego of Josef Stalin to the glitz of Las Vegas and not in a good way.

69. As for housing, these complexes would be perfect for any evil overlord henchmen.

This is St. George's Wharf in London, England. But looking at these, you wonder whether they have faces or if any bad people live in them.

This is St. George’s Wharf in London, England. But looking at these, you wonder whether they have faces or if any bad people live in them.

70. Now this building reminds me of an iceberg as well as serves as a stark reminder of climate change which does exist and it’s a problem.

This is called "The Ascent" and it's in Covington, Kentucky, probably a place most people have never heard of. And yes, it's seen as a steaming pile of shit in the architectural world.

This is called “The Ascent” and it’s in Covington, Kentucky, probably a place most people have never heard of. And yes, it’s seen as a steaming pile of shit in the architectural world.

71. Behold, the giant clocktower of doom!

This is the Palace of Culture in Warsaw, Poland. But, yes, you can totally imagine some powerful Steampunk or Sci-fi villain living there, especially one with lightning hands and giant lasers.

This is the Palace of Culture in Warsaw, Poland. But, yes, you can totally imagine some powerful Steampunk or Sci-fi villain living there, especially one with lightning hands and giant lasers.

72. When it comes to color schemes, black and white stripes aren’t the way to go.

This prison striped building in Los Angeles, California learned the hard way. Hope this wasn't in a minority neighborhood since there will be unfortunate implications there.

This prison striped building in Los Angeles, California learned the hard way. Hope this wasn’t in a minority neighborhood since there will be unfortunate implications there.

73. May I present to you a new dystopian sci-fi shopping mall.

According to Time Out, its looks are, "akin to Space Mountain built out of drab, sterile leftovers from a doctors office waiting room." Couldn't say it better myself.

According to Time Out, its looks are, “akin to Space Mountain built out of drab, sterile leftovers from a doctors office waiting room.” Couldn’t say it better myself.

74. Now we’re here to a boring office building. Wonder what can go wrong with that.

Actually this is Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia. But to me, this seems like the offices of Jesus H. Christ Attorney at Law or some kind of county courthouse.

Actually this is Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia. But to me, this seems like the offices of Jesus H. Christ Attorney at Law or some kind of county courthouse.

75. These aqua blue window apartments certainly add dimension with the New World Order, according to conspiracy theorists that is.

Now this is the Azure Complex in Astana Kazakhstan that resembles a hotel for a Las Vegas casino. Yes, I showed a lot of buildings from this city.

Now this is the Azure Complex in Astana Kazakhstan that resembles a hotel for a Las Vegas casino. Yes, I showed a lot of buildings from this city.

76. I dub this building the Church of Our Lady with the Side of Fries.

This is part of the denomination the American Church of Unchecked Corporate Consumerism that also venerates people like Saint Nugget, Saint Burger, Saint McRib, and Saint Diet Coke.

This is part of the denomination the American Church of Unchecked Corporate Consumerism that also venerates people like Saint Nugget, Saint Burger, Saint McRib, and Saint Diet Coke.

77. Only in Kazakhstan will you find a pyramid built after the collapse of the Soviet Union.

This is called the Palace of Peace and Reconciliation. Nevertheless, the Illuminati conspiracy theorists will sure have a field day with this one.

This is called the Palace of Peace and Reconciliation. Nevertheless, the Illuminati conspiracy theorists will sure have a field day with this one.

78. Now for those dystopian rulers with a sense of cosmopolitan style, this is the building for you.

This is Kazakhstan's Parliament building in Astana. And yes, I know it seems like it's a combination of Soviet Russia, Vegas, and Dubai for all the wrong reasons.

This is Kazakhstan’s Parliament building in Astana. And yes, I know it seems like it’s a combination of Soviet Russia, Vegas, and Dubai for all the wrong reasons.

79. When it comes to architectural styles, you can’t go wrong with a hollow kettle building.

This is the Wanda Cultural center in China. I know it looks like a hollow kettle with glass windows, but I didn't design the thing. So don't ask me.

This is the Wanda Cultural center in China. I know it looks like a hollow kettle with glass windows, but I didn’t design the thing. So don’t ask me.

80. If Noah was living today, who could bet that his ark may look like this?

This is the World Cup Hotel in Sao Paulo, Brazil. However, if there would be a flood of biblical proportions, I'm not sure if it will float let alone shelter all the animals in the world 2 by 2.

This is the World Cup Hotel in Sao Paulo, Brazil. However, if there would be a flood of biblical proportions, I’m not sure if it will float let alone shelter all the animals in the world 2 by 2.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Second Edition)

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Since I didn’t find a lot of good Easter ads (and by that I mean ones so bad they’re unintentionally as hilarious as offensive in some cases), I decided to do another edition of general vintage ads. I mean I did one a year ago and since I haven’t had many ideas lately (or at least those I haven’t acted on). Not to mention, my last general vintage ad post got 577 views and the ones I did during the holidays had sizeable turnouts as well. Nevertheless, our vintage world of advertising can tell a lot about our culture at the time as well as why there are certain restrictions on advertising nowadays. I mean those who have seen my back to school season vintage ad post know what I’m talking about. I mean seriously, before anti-smoking awareness, tobacco advertising was everywhere. And this to the point where you had back to school cigarette ads. Really. Then there’s the fact that many of these old ads were drawn by artists which leads to some of them being unintentionally creepy or inappropriate. So for your reading pleasure, here is another installment of not so nostalgic vintage advertising.

1. Spread your legs for maximum leg room in a new Pontiac Star Chief.

Pontiac Star Chief: for the male high school senior intent on losing his virginity before graduating high school, this is the car that will certainly get you laid at prom. It's maximum leg room makes consummation a cinch.

Pontiac Star Chief: for the male high school senior intent on losing his virginity before graduating high school, this is the car that will certainly get you laid at prom. It’s maximum leg room makes consummation a cinch.

2. Start revolution with Interwoven Esquire Socks that will make your kids question your fashion taste in the 1970s.

Yes, all that these guys have on are their hideous socks and their sunglasses. Still, I don't know if a group of naked men would look this comfortable around each other during a photo shoot. And you can almost see some of their butts.

Yes, all that these guys have on are their hideous socks and their sunglasses. Still, I don’t know if a group of naked men would look this comfortable around each other during a photo shoot. And you can almost see some of their butts.

3. Girls who are noticed first Go Gay. As in Go Gay Hairspray.

Now this is an ad for hair spray. However, since "gay" now refers to homosexual in our modern culture, this ad unintentionally suggests that women turn lesbians when looking for Mr. Right. Yeah, it's as stupid as it sounds.

Now this is an ad for hair spray. However, since “gay” now refers to homosexual in our modern culture, this ad unintentionally suggests that women turn lesbians when looking for Mr. Right. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds.

4. Gentlemen, be strong like a man in these Hicks business slacks?

Because who needs to work out in spandex at the gym when you have khaki? Besides, I forgot my gym shorts at home so it was either these or my tidy whities.

Because who needs to work out in spandex at the gym when you have khaki? Besides, I forgot my gym shorts at home so it was either these or my tidy whiteys.

5. She was the perfect housewife but she was so busy attending to her husband’s needs that she didn’t attend to her feminine hygiene. And her husband failed to appreciate her because of this one thing.

Yes, she was everything a husband could ask her but Mr. Superficial here couldn't appreciate her because she was unable to change her period pad once in awhile during her time of the month. And her husband Mr. Superficial would trade all her assets so she could correct this.

Yes, she was everything a husband could ask her but Mr. Superficial here couldn’t appreciate her because she was unable to change her period pad once in awhile during her time of the month. And her husband Mr. Superficial would trade all her assets so she could correct this.

6. I just couldn’t accept my husband’s ring on our first anniversary because I was so ashamed of my red dishwashy hands.

Seriously, lady, either you get a dishwasher, buy rubber gloves, or stop complaining about your hands. I mean having dishwashy hands is nothing to be ashamed about at all.

Seriously, lady, either you get a dishwasher, buy rubber gloves, or stop complaining about your hands. I mean having dishwashy hands is nothing to be ashamed about at all. Besides, your husband doesn’t care how your hands look anyway.

7. “It’s no use! I won’t see him.” And then she locked herself in her room because she had a poor complexion.

Really? Bad skin? Is it just me or do women in vintage ads seem way too concerned about their looks? I mean having a poor complexion is no excuse for not seeing a guy and locking yourself in your room, which I think is crazy.

Really? Bad skin? Is it just me or do women in vintage ads seem way too concerned about their looks? I mean having a poor complexion is no excuse for not seeing a guy and locking yourself in your room, which I think is crazy.

8. As a man, I suffered from menstrual cramps, because when my wife has her period, she’s like a total bitch.

For ladies suffering from menstrual cramps, try Femicin because you know your husband doesn't want to hear you complaining about them.

For ladies suffering from menstrual cramps, try Femicin because you know your husband doesn’t want to hear you complaining about them. Doesn’t help that this guy looks like a total asshole.

9. Does my husband look younger than me? Oh, my God, will he cheat on me?

Seriously, there's nothing wrong with aging, especially if you're a woman. Yet, she seems to feel that her husband will leave her for some younger chick if he appears younger than her.

Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with aging, especially if you’re a woman. Yet, she seems to feel that her husband will leave her for some younger chick if he appears younger than her.

10. Remember, ladies, dishpan hands can kill your marriage. So use Lux.

Really? I'm sure dishpan hands aren't the reason why people's marriages end. Seriously, seems like vintage ads tend to measure a relationship's health on how well the woman abides by unrealistic beauty standards.

Really? I’m sure dishpan hands aren’t the reason why people’s marriages end. Seriously, seems like vintage ads tend to measure a relationship’s health on how well the woman abides by unrealistic beauty standards.

11. Remember, women, signs of “middle aged skin” can start at 20 and you know guys dump you over that. So use Palmolive Soap.

You know, if my boyfriend dumped me  for someone else because I had "middle aged skin," I wouldn't be crying about it to my grandma. This "Tom" guy is a superficial asshole who's not worth any woman's time.

You know, if my boyfriend dumped me for someone else because I had “middle aged skin,” I wouldn’t be crying about it to my grandma. This “Tom” guy is a superficial asshole who’s not worth any woman’s time.

12. Lady, with body hair? Now why doesn’t she shave?

Admit it, we all have body hair. Yet, only women are encouraged to get rid of it while Burt Reynolds shows his naked hairy chest in Cosmo. Seriously, the double standards have to go.

Admit it, we all have body hair. Yet, only women are encouraged to get rid of it while Burt Reynolds shows his naked hairy chest in Cosmo. Seriously, the double standards have to go.

13. Remember, your hair collects unpleasant odors.

Well, if you were in a room in which everyone is smoking cigarettes, it's no surprise why. But I don't think this ad is making the connection.

Well, if you were in a room in which everyone is smoking cigarettes, it’s no surprise why. But I don’t think this ad is making the connection.

14. “He doesn’t kiss me anymore!” Don’t worry, just switch your brand of lipstick!

I'm sure switching your lipstick to Tangee won't solve your relationship problems with your boyfriend. Seriously, I wonder what these terrible ads say about men in those days like being superficial assholes.

I’m sure switching your lipstick to Tangee won’t solve your relationship problems with your boyfriend. Seriously, I wonder what these terrible ads say about men in those days like being superficial assholes.

15. “Please, honey, don’t lock me out of your life with invisible locks!”

Of course, her marriage was falling apart due to "one intimate neglect." I suppose this has to do with "feminine hygiene" of the sanitary napkin variety.

Of course, her marriage was falling apart due to “one intimate neglect.” I suppose this has to do with “feminine hygiene” of the sanitary napkin variety.

16. Want to lose weight? Try these contraptions at a reasonable price and sweat the weight off.

Products include Frown Eradicator, Chin Reducer, Neck and Chin Reducer, Bust Reducer, and Abdominal Reducer. They also have Union Suits, jackets and support hoes. Of course, hate to see what some of these weight loss contraptions look like.

Products include Frown Eradicator, Chin Reducer, Neck and Chin Reducer, Bust Reducer, and Abdominal Reducer. They also have Union Suits, jackets and support hoes. Of course, hate to see what some of these weight loss contraptions look like.

17. Another love shipwrecked due to bad feminine hygiene. So on your next date, keep your vagina clean with Lysol.

Seriously, this is what the ad basically says because "feminine hygiene." So according to vintage ads, Lysol is great for dishes as well as the female nether regions. And in your grandparents' day, vaginal cleanliness was important.

Seriously, this is what the ad basically says because “feminine hygiene.” So according to vintage ads, Lysol is great for dishes as well as the female nether regions. And in your grandparents’ day, vaginal cleanliness was important.

18. Remember, ladies, for your vaginal and reproductive needs, use Lysol. And your husband won’t avoid your embraces.

Still, you have to applaud Lysol for managing to promote their dish washing fluid as a douche solution and contraceptive (note the mention of organic matter). And this one really is pushing the envelope here.

Still, you have to applaud Lysol for managing to promote their dish washing fluid as a douche solution and contraceptive (note the mention of organic matter). And this one really is pushing the envelope here.

19. While some airlines feature their pretty stewardesses in their ads, Eastern Airlines uses their ad space to shame those who didn’t quite make it to their impossibly high standards.

At Eastern Airlines, we want everyone to fly. But if any young woman wants to be a stewardess on our airline, then she has to be superwoman or else, we won't take her.

At Eastern Airlines, we want everyone to fly. But if any young woman wants to be a stewardess on our airline, then she has to be superwoman or else, we won’t take her.

20. Remember, ladies, gray hair can cost you your job so restore your hair color with Sage and Sulphur.

Man, this woman must work in a very superficial workplace for very superficial male bosses that treat her like eye candy. Yeah, I'm sure sulfur and sage will help restore your hair color. Yeah right.

Man, this woman must work in a very superficial workplace for very superficial male bosses that treat her like eye candy. Yeah, I’m sure sulfur and sage will help restore your hair color. Yeah right.

21. Flat chested and dateless? Get the Miracle Cream treatment, ladies to enhance your bust 1 to 3 inches.

Think of this ad as the female equivalent to any of the ads that pertain to natural male enhancement. Of course, this was probably from the 1930s when the flat chested flapper look was on its way out.

Think of this ad as the female equivalent to any of the ads that pertain to natural male enhancement. Of course, this was probably from the 1930s when the flat chested flapper look was on its way out.

22. Don’t look now, but I think the man suspects his wife may have gap osis.

And by "gaps" they mean skirt buttons here. Seriously, I'm not making this up. Seriously, I'm sure if your relationship suffers due to "gap osis" it's not you ladies, it's him.

And by “gaps” they mean skirt buttons here. Seriously, I’m not making this up. Seriously, I’m sure if your relationship suffers due to “gap osis” it’s not you ladies, it’s him.

23. Have teeth? Then preserve them with by using the ideal felt tooth polisher.

I don't know about you but I think I'm a little creeped out by the man in the moon. Seriously, he reminds me of a serial killer in this.

I don’t know about you but I think I’m a little creeped out by the man in the moon. Seriously, he reminds me of a serial killer in this.

24. Use Mustang lineament and you will be all right in a day or two and so will your horse.

I'm not sure if the woman will be all right after a day or two. For that matter, the creepy clown could've had her bound and gagged in his circus trailer.

I’m not sure if the woman will be all right after a day or two. For that matter, the creepy clown could’ve had her bound and gagged in his circus trailer.

25. Hey, kids, did you know that monkeys and raccoons make wonderful pets?

Okay, now there's a reason why we don't have pet monkeys and raccoons. For one, many monkeys are endangered and having exotic pets aren't encouraged. Also, monkeys don't like lollipops. Second, raccoons make terrible pets and many carry rabies.

Okay, now there’s a reason why we don’t have pet monkeys and raccoons. For one, many monkeys are endangered and having exotic pets aren’t encouraged. Also, monkeys don’t like lollipops. Second, raccoons make terrible pets and many carry rabies.

26. Solve your respiratory ailment with Ayer’s Chery Pectoral.

Now these children aren't cute at all. In fact, they seem like they'll haunt your nightmares if you ever give them the time of day.

Now these children aren’t cute at all. In fact, they seem like they’ll haunt your nightmares if you ever give them the time of day. Also, contains opium.

27. This child’s life may depend on the safety of Distaval.

Distaval is Thalidomide which isn't a safe drug at all. Seriously, as a drug to treat morning sickness, it was withdrawn from general use because it was found to cause severe birth defects when taken during pregnancy. And this ad is telling parents that it's safe for kids? Seriously, what the fuck?

Distaval is Thalidomide which isn’t a safe drug at all. Seriously, as a drug to treat morning sickness, it was withdrawn from general use because it was found to cause severe birth defects when taken during pregnancy. And this ad is telling parents that it’s safe for kids? Seriously, what the fuck?

28. Own a TV because it benefits your children by keeping them in line.

Then again, this ad comes from the 1950s when TV was a new thing an there were only a few channels anyway. Still, you wouldn't be saying that nowadays.

Then again, this ad comes from the 1950s when TV was a new thing an there were only a few channels anyway. Still, you wouldn’t be saying that nowadays.

29. Remember, parents, it’s never too early to get you baby started on 7UP.

Yes, set your little one up with those empty calories that will lead to tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, bone loss, anxiety, sleep deprivation, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, this picture is a perfect example of bad parenting. I mean babies should never have soft drinks, period.

Yes, set your little one up with those empty calories that will lead to tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, bone loss, anxiety, sleep deprivation, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, this picture is a perfect example of bad parenting. I mean babies should never have soft drinks, period.

30. Go to Sears for we have fashionable clothing for chubby children.

For one, how is this girl even chubby? To me, she just looks like a perfectly healthy kid who's at a normal weight So why the hell is Sears saying she's fat?

For one, how is this girl even chubby? To me, she just looks like a perfectly healthy kid who’s at a normal weight So why the hell is Sears saying she’s fat?

31. In life’s battles, nothing heals wounds like Pond’s Extract.

Sure Pond's Extract might be handy for cuts, bruises, wounds, and lacerations. However, when it comes to actual life threatening battle wounds, then you're probably shit out of luck.

Sure Pond’s Extract might be handy for cuts, bruises, wounds, and lacerations. However, when it comes to actual life threatening battle wounds, then you’re probably shit out of luck.

32. For all the lonely guys out there, snuggle up with your very own inflatable Love Maid.

Man, these inflatable sex dolls sure seemed to have quite realistic features in the 1970s. Still, it seems like she's carrying two glasses of poison on the tray for she's kind of nightmare inducing.

Man, these inflatable sex dolls sure seemed to have quite realistic features in the 1970s. Still, it seems like she’s carrying two glasses of poison on the tray for she’s kind of nightmare inducing.

33. Of course, using cuteness in ads will always equal big bucks.

Seriously, now having babies in 7UP ads is one thing. But cigarette ads? Now that's just fucked up, especially since many babies probably developed asthma due to secondhand smoke.

Seriously, now having babies in 7UP ads is one thing. But cigarette ads? Now that’s just fucked up, especially since many babies probably developed asthma due to secondhand smoke.

34. Is “Smoker’s Fag” beginning to get you? Now 90% correctable according to science.

Yeah, it is correctable. Just quit smoking for God's sake. Still, I think putting a now inflaming gay slur in this ad is quite funny.

Yeah, it is correctable. Just quit smoking for God’s sake! Still, I think putting a now inflaming gay slur in this ad is quite funny.

35. Coffee addiction hurts families everywhere unless it’s Sanka decaf.

Here's a scene in which a man's caffeine habit results in him abusing his kid and enduring sleepless nights. With Sanka his kid no longer fears him and he's a happy man again. Seriously, this is so twisted.

Here’s a scene in which a man’s caffeine habit results in him abusing his kid and enduring sleepless nights. With Sanka his kid no longer fears him and he’s a happy man again. Seriously, this is so twisted.

36. Support the troops, smoke Chesterfields with them.

Note that the nurse in the ad is actress Claudette Colbert. Still, the fact she's in a nurse's outfit freely passing out cigarettes is still kind of disconcerting since it kills about a third of its users per year.

Note that the nurse in the ad is actress Claudette Colbert. Still, the fact she’s in a nurse’s outfit freely passing out cigarettes is still kind of disconcerting since it kills about a third of its users per year.

37. Tonight’s the night. So get it on with Duraflame.

From looking at this ad, you'd think Duraflame was a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction since it also lasts for 3 hours. It's actually a company that sells logs for fireplaces. Still, since we have Viagra, this ad is unintentionally hilarious since Duraflame logs are also good for 3 hours.

From looking at this ad, you’d think Duraflame was a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction since it also lasts for 3 hours. It’s actually a company that sells logs for fireplaces. Still, since we have Viagra, this ad is unintentionally hilarious since Duraflame logs are also good for 3 hours.

38. Players Tobacco is Daddy’s favorite because it’s the tobacco that counts.

This little child has toys around him but he's only playing with his daddy's cigar. This is pretty disturbing for obvious reasons. Guess he wants to die with his lungs all filled with tar like his daddy.

This little child has toys around him but he’s only playing with his daddy’s cigar. This is pretty disturbing for obvious reasons. Guess he wants to die with his lungs all filled with tar like his daddy.

39. Just a minute, lady, don’t kill yourself over a bad hair day. Try Formula 9 Shampoo.

Hey, lady, I may have a bad hair day now and then. But even then, I never had any suicidal tendencies over it. And my hair's even more unkempt than that. But still, this is the most disturbing shampoo ad I've ever seen in my life.

Hey, lady, I may have a bad hair day now and then. But even then, I never had any suicidal tendencies over it. And my hair’s even more unkempt than that. But still, this is the most disturbing shampoo ad I’ve ever seen in my life.

40. Breathing problems? Well, why don’t you try Dr. Batty’s Asthma cigarettes?

I'm sure that this was an effective treatment for asthma just like inhaling smog and a bunch of harmful chemicals. Also, "not recommended for children under 6." I wonder why.

I’m sure that this was an effective treatment for asthma just like inhaling smog and a bunch of harmful chemicals. Also, “not recommended for children under 6.” I wonder why.

41. “Coffee is like a friend, Tiny. When you get a good one, stick to it.”

For one, the elderly captain seems to be on the cusp of dementia. Second, "Tiny" is basically a name you'd hear being called in prison. Third, seems that these guys are discussing coffee with the same seriousness as brain cancer. The captain must be losing it and the other guy feels like he needs to research maritime law and riverboat murder.

For one, the elderly captain seems to be on the cusp of dementia. Second, “Tiny” is basically a name you’d hear being called in prison. Third, seems that these guys are discussing coffee with the same seriousness as brain cancer. The captain must be losing it and the other guy feels like he needs to research maritime law and riverboat murder.

42. Choose Kellogg’s Cornflake for the horrifying nutritious breakfast.

Holy shit, seems that Kellogg's found the kid version of Steve Buscemi, starved him to the brink of death, put a suit on his skeletal frame, gave him food for the first time in 2 weeks, and made a creepy ad out of it.

Holy shit, seems that Kellogg’s found the kid version of Steve Buscemi, starved him to the brink of death, put a suit on his skeletal frame, gave him food for the first time in 2 weeks, and made a creepy ad out of it.

43. Have a loved one suffering from alcoholism. Then tell them to drink Bogg’s Tawny Port.

Even funnier is that this is a syrup that contains cocaine. Yeah, I'm sure a coke habit will cure anyone of alcoholism. Not.

Even funnier is that this is a syrup that contains cocaine. Yeah, I’m sure a coke habit will cure anyone of alcoholism. Not.

44. “When he comes home from school hungry, there’s only one way to satisfy him. And me.”

I don't know about you, but I find this Snickers ad very disturbing. I mean it seems that this mother and son relationship seems more akin to what I've seen on The Manchurian Candidate but I'm not so sure about the brainwashing. I mean look at the mom's face. She just seems so creepy.

I don’t know about you, but I find this Snickers ad very disturbing. I mean it seems that this mother and son relationship seems more akin to what I’ve seen on The Manchurian Candidate but I’m not so sure about the brainwashing. I mean look at the mom’s face. She just seems so creepy.

45. “Heavens! Buddy must have a girl…..chained to the radiator, more like it.”

Yeah, I think this little psychopath may have been the possible inspiration for Warren Zevon's "Excitable Boy.": "And he took little Suzie to the Junior Prom/Excitable boy, they all said/And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home."

Yeah, I think this little psychopath may have been the possible inspiration for Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Boy.”: “And he took little Suzie to the Junior Prom/Excitable boy, they all said/And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home.”

46. New moms, smoke Philip Morris because they can really use a break.

Let's just say smoking in front of a newborn really is one of the stupidest things you can do as a parent, other than smoking while pregnant. Yeah, baby's lungs will be full of tar before he or she knows it.

Let’s just say smoking in front of a newborn really is one of the stupidest things you can do as a parent, other than smoking while pregnant. Yeah, baby’s lungs will be full of tar before he or she knows it.

47. Log Cabin: the kind of maple syrup that will turn your kids into Children of the Corn.

Seeing these kids dead soulless eyes makes you wonder if Log Cabin Maple Syrup is just the carmelized blood of their enemies.

Seeing these kids dead soulless eyes makes you wonder if Log Cabin Maple Syrup is just the carmelized blood of their enemies.

48. Have a real roller coaster in your own backyard for $12.95.

Don't look now but I'm not sure the girl is just waiting her turn for the coaster. She seems more intent to push her brother off it, to put it lightly.

Don’t look now but I’m not sure the girl is just waiting her turn for the coaster. She seems more intent to push her brother off it, to put it lightly.

49. “A child isn’t always fibbing when he doesn’t tell the truth,” said Elsie the Borden Cow.

Seems like Elsie and her unnaturally bovine family seem to live under the constant cloud of Elmer the Bull's unquenchable anger. Seems like the cops will be here with a social worker in 10 minutes time.

Seems like Elsie and her unnaturally bovine family seem to live under the constant cloud of Elmer the Bull’s unquenchable anger. Seems like the cops will be here with a social worker in 10 minutes time.

50. Jayson Sportswear is the ultimate shirt for every occasion.

I'm sure Jerry and Larry shared a lot of intimate moments in the men's locker room as well as a passionate love that dare not speak its name.

I’m sure Jerry and Larry shared a lot of intimate moments in the men’s locker room as well as a passionate love that dare not speak its name.

51. While General Mills had the Jolly Green Giant for their frozen vegetables, Stokely’s had this kid.

Yeah, this boy's green beans are basically a side for the real main course, the Donner Party special. Seriously, this boy makes me not want to eat my vegetables ever again.

Yeah, this boy’s green beans are basically a side for the real main course, the Donner Party special. Seriously, this boy makes me not want to eat my vegetables ever again.

52. Americtex fabric is great for pajamas.

I'm sure Gary and Danny are spending a nice quiet morning at home as all so-called "roommates" do now and then.

I’m sure Gary and Danny are spending a nice quiet morning at home as all so-called “roommates” do now and then.

53. “Let the tide take her. I won’t.” Because she has a case of halitosis.

Now dumping a girl over bad breath? Really, that's something you'd see off Seinfeld. I mean how shallow can these guys get in these ads? Sure it's for Listerine but still.

Now dumping a girl over bad breath? Really, that’s something you’d see off Seinfeld. I mean how shallow can these guys get in these ads? Sure it’s for Listerine but still.

54. Universal Pajamas….styled for sleep.

And it seems that these two men are looking at some sort of brochure. Planning a vacation together I suppose? Hope people don't get the wrong idea.

And it seems that these two men are looking at some sort of brochure. Planning a vacation together I suppose? Hope people don’t get the wrong idea.

55. On business trips these days, you got to make every minute count. So that’s why O. J. Simpson chooses Hertz.

Let's hope Hertz didn't rent him that Bronco he used to try to escape the cops after killing his wife and her boyfriend. Yes, you can see why I couldn't pass this one up.

Let’s hope Hertz didn’t rent him that Bronco he used to try to escape the cops after killing his wife and her boyfriend. Yes, you can see why I couldn’t pass this one up.

56. Roy Rogers heads west on the Pennsylvania Railroad.

I don't know about you but I don't think the guy behind this ad had his head screwed on that tight when he came up with the idea of having Roy Rogers with a train between his legs. Yeah, kind of stirs many phallic notions, doesn't it?

I don’t know about you but I don’t think the guy behind this ad had his head screwed on that tight when he came up with the idea of having Roy Rogers with a train between his legs. Yeah, kind of stirs many phallic notions, doesn’t it?

57. Men, aim for sleep and comfort with these one of a kind nightshirts.

I'm sure trying to revive nightshirts in the 1970s really didn't go so well for whoever advertised this. Seriously, these guys look stupid in them, especially in a diamond pattern.

I’m sure trying to revive nightshirts in the 1970s really didn’t go so well for whoever advertised this. Seriously, these guys look stupid in them, especially in a diamond pattern. They more or less resemble hospital gowns if you ask me.

58. Ivory Soap: the kind you wash yourself with during a communal bath.

Yes, I'm sure there's nothing overtly homoerotic about this scene of naked guys congregating together to wash up. Nothing gay at all (sarcasm).

Yes, I’m sure there’s nothing overtly homoerotic about this scene of naked guys congregating together to wash up. Nothing gay at all (sarcasm).

59. Not sure if this kid is eating Franco American pasta or blood soaked entrails.

From the creepy look on this ginger freckled boy's face, it could be just about anything. Also, why does he have hotdogs beside him? Seriously, why?

From the creepy look on this ginger freckled boy’s face, it could be just about anything. Also, why does he have hotdogs beside him? Seriously, why?

60. So whatever happens in the Pacific stays in the Pacific.

Seems like the Pacific Island natives aren't pleased with the American GIs frolicking with tropical brain fever. Still, there's a lot of homoerotic subtext I can't even list here.

Seems like the Pacific Island natives aren’t pleased with the American GIs frolicking with tropical brain fever. Still, there’s a lot of homoerotic subtext I can’t even list here.

61. Ivory Soap: The kind men use during a group shower in the men’s locker room.

Okay, is that somebody's butt in the background? And is that guy just staring at his naked ass? Seriously, seems like men's showers are an awkward experience, especially in vintage ads.

Okay, is that somebody’s butt in the background? And is that guy just staring at his naked ass? Seriously, seems like men’s showers are an awkward experience, especially in vintage ads.

62. Baby’s first milestone of eating Campbell’s Soup for the first time. Mmmmmm….salt.

Of course, this might be a baby picture of a potential demon child or serial killer in the making. Seriously, it could almost be Hannibal Lecter in his infancy.

Of course, this might be a baby picture of a potential demon child or serial killer in the making. Seriously, it could almost be Hannibal Lecter in his infancy.

63. When a woman’s five, she needs love.

However, I think this girl needs something more imminent like a soul. From the look in her eyes, she's basically dead inside.

However, I think this girl needs something more imminent like a soul. From the look in her eyes, she’s basically dead inside.

64. Be really refreshed….graduate to Coke or so says the Wolf of Wall Street.

Still, this girl carrying this boy's books and Coke six pack should soon realize that he's put her in the friendzone because he needs her to do his homework for him as he goes after some prettier chick.

Still, this boy carrying this boy’s books and Coke six pack should probably stop doing the letterman a-hole’s homework and have some fun for a change.

65. Develop a child’s mind, play video games.

Yeah, now we're bombarded with how video games rot a child's brain with all the sex and violence in Grand Theft Auto which is rated M for Mature.

Yeah, now we’re bombarded with how video games rot a child’s brain with all the sex and violence in Grand Theft Auto which is rated M for Mature.

66. Bald guys, this kind of hat can help regrow your hair in just 30 days.

However, it comes with major side effects such as looking like a complete idiot in public. Seriously, guys, someone's going to think you're part of some cult with that thing on.

However, it comes with major side effects such as looking like a complete idiot in public. Seriously, guys, someone’s going to think you’re part of some cult with that thing on.

67. Moms depend on pork like kids depend on moms. Hmmm…interesting.

I'm sure they're talking about sausage variety here. I mean the kind of meat you make with a pig's muscle and entrails. Yeah, I'm sure the other kind is what dads are for.

I’m sure they’re talking about sausage variety here. I mean the kind of meat you make with a pig’s muscle and entrails. Yeah, I’m sure the other kind is what dads are for.

68. The best things in life come from cellophane.

Maybe, but I'm sure that wrapping your baby in one isn't great parenting advice. I mean it's bound to suffocate them which makes the ad ever more disturbing.

Maybe, but I’m sure that wrapping your baby in one isn’t great parenting advice. I mean it’s bound to suffocate them which makes the ad ever more disturbing.

69. No kid loves anything more than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.

I don't know about this girl. She seems less excited for a PB&J and more consumed with bloodlust and murder. Stay away from her at your own risk.

I don’t know about this girl. She seems less excited for a PB&J and more consumed with bloodlust and murder. Stay away from her at your own risk.

70. Make every morning a Smirnoff morning.

I don't know about you, but I don't think having a cigarette and vodka for breakfast is a good sign. Rather I think if you can't go without a drink before 5 pm, you probably have a drinking problem.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think having a cigarette and vodka for breakfast is a good sign. Rather I think if you can’t go without a drink before 5 pm, you probably have a drinking problem.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Third Edition)

Since I did my two posts on book covers, I could never imagine they would yield me 3,322 views and 266 views respectively. Whether it be books with strange titles and inappropriate cover images or what not, some of the strangest stuff out there somehow gets published. Of course, with some of these covers, you have to wonder whether it’s coming from a vanity publisher that takes anything for a fee, is self-published, or what the hell are these publishers thinking. And if they’re classics, well, when you take a peek at some noticeably inappropriate cover designs, you might want to scratch your head wondering whether they actually read the book or know what the whole story is all about. Then there are some books out there with cover images that might tell you to stay the hell away from the book if your life depends on it. I mean a book suggesting a romance between a woman and a horse may incite readers for the wrong reasons since the concept is just so wrong. So without further adieu, here are some more questionable book cover choices for your reading pleasure. Seriously, you have to see these.

1. Stand Your Ground: The Biblical Foundation for Self-Defense by Steve Jones

Because no old lady with sunglasses should ever leave her home without her Holy Bible and handgun. Sure there's the thing with "turn the other cheek" but for God's sake, this is America, goddammit!

Because no old lady with sunglasses should ever leave her home without her Holy Bible and handgun. Sure there’s the thing with “turn the other cheek” but for God’s sake, this is America, goddammit!

Includes a forward by George Zimmerman.

2. Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow by D. T. Hobbs

If it wasn't for the title, you wouldn't think it had anything Christian about it. Seriously, when you see pictures of beaches, pools, and sea front stores, do you think of Jesus? No, you think about going on vacation.

If it wasn’t for the title, you wouldn’t think it had anything Christian about it. Seriously, when you see pictures of beaches, pools, and sea front stores, do you think of Jesus? No, you think about going on vacation.

Man, this Christian devotional sure has a great cover image of pools and beach fronts.

3. Melanie’s Marvelous Measles by Stephanie Messenger

And I thought a children's book promoting open carry was bad. This is just seriously fucking insane! I mean there's nothing awesome getting measles whatsoever! For the love of God, vaccinate your kids! I mean if you're so worried about your kid having Autism that you're willing to expose them to potentially fatal childhood diseases, there's just something fucking wrong with you. I'm sorry, but I'd rather have an Autistic child than a dead child. Seriously, Autism isn't nearly as bad as having measles.

And I thought a children’s book promoting open carry was bad. This is just seriously fucking insane! I mean there’s nothing awesome getting measles whatsoever! For the love of God, vaccinate your kids! I mean if you’re so worried about your kid having Autism that you’re willing to expose them to potentially fatal childhood diseases, there’s just something fucking wrong with you! I’m sorry, but I’d rather have an Autistic child than a dead child. Seriously, Autism isn’t nearly as bad as having measles.

Or the kind of children’s book for the anti-vaxxer parent to tell their kids, “Enjoy getting measles, kiddos, which might kill you and leave you blind. But, hey, at least you won’t get Autism, which is caused by vaccination”

4. Demonectomy by Dennis Melton

This would've come in handy in a lot horror movies that involves demon possession. And it seems like this guy really needs it. By the way, the guy has his own website all about it.

This would’ve come in handy in a lot horror movies that involves demon possession. And it seems like this guy really needs it. By the way, the guy has his own website all about it.

Finally, book to teach you how to perform your own exorcisms.

5. But…You’re a Horse by David Bussell

Now this bestiality romance novel seems to give the notion of "horseplay" a whole new meaning. Even freakier is that the horse has human hands and might've had some Minotaur style conception story.

Now this bestiality romance novel seems to give the notion of “horseplay” a whole new meaning. Even freakier is that the horse has human hands and might’ve had some Minotaur style conception story.

Charity’s and Sugarloaf’s forbidden love was a real hay ride that could never be tamed in the stable.

6. Herovit’s World by Barry N. Malzberg

Of course, these sci-fi covers can be pretty trippy. Still, I'm not sure whether I'm more surprised with a maneating typewriter on it or just a typewriter. Then again, it seems to come from the 1980s.

Of course, these sci-fi covers can be pretty trippy. Still, I’m not sure whether I’m more surprised with a maneating typewriter on it or just a typewriter. Then again, it seems to come from the 1980s.

Man, I had no idea that we’ll have man eating typewriters in the future.

7. My Best Meat Recipes

From that woman's face, I'd rather pass the chance of having dinner with her. Her expression reads she might have you in mind as a main course.

From that woman’s face, I’d rather pass the chance of having dinner with her. Her expression reads she might have you in mind as a main course.

Finally, a perfect companion for The Art of Fine Dining by Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

8. A Song for Lya and Other Stories by George R. R. Martin

Man, I'd hate to want to know what all the sky of mouths is all about. Must be a trippy sight even for Westeros and kind of scary, too. Maybe Game of Thrones is a step better than this, at least according to the covers.

Man, I’d hate to want to know what all the sky of mouths is all about. Must be a trippy sight even for Westeros and kind of scary, too. Maybe Game of Thrones is a step better than this, at least according to the covers.

From the author of the fantasy series that brings you great characters before killing them, here is his collection of science fiction stories from the 1980s.

9. Bounce the Balls & They Will Come by Betty Wiseman

Now while this might be the kind of inspirational story Bible Belt Christians know and love in their saccharine media stories, the title is just so hard to make me take this book seriously.

Now while this might be the kind of inspirational story Bible Belt Christians know and love in their saccharine media stories, the title is just so hard to make me take this book seriously.

Finally, a perfect Christian sports devotional for one’s basketball loving nephew who will be so disappointed after opening it.

10. Experiencing Bible Science: A Lab Book for the Young at Heart by Louise Barrett Derr

Actually my mistake. It's actually a "science" activity book catered to 10-14 year olds. The fact it probably advocates creationism. As a Catholic who believes that God created the universe, world, and life over billions of years and through His great miracle of evolution by natural selection, this book is pseudoscientific bullshit at best.

Actually my mistake. It’s actually a “science” activity book catered to 10-14 year olds. The fact it probably advocates creationism isn’t a surprise. As a Catholic I believe that God created the universe, world, and life over billions of years and through His great miracles of evolution by natural selection and the Big Bang. This book is pseudoscientific bullshit at best.

Basically, this seems like the kind of science lab textbooks you’d see at Bob Jones University.

11. Precious Princess Bible

Basically this company thinks that put a pink cover with sparkles on it and girls will instantly buy. Nevertheless, at least there are some great female heroes in this like Jael who got a guy drunk and drove a tent peg in his head.

Basically this company thinks that put a pink cover with sparkles on it and girls will instantly buy. Nevertheless, at least there are some great female heroes in this like Jael who got a guy drunk and drove a tent peg in his head.

Just like a regular Bible, but with the kind of cover suitable for young girls.

12. Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom by Drs. Trevor and Edith Fraser

Seriously, having a fist is basically the last thing you want on a cover pertaining to saving your marriage. It kind of gives the idea that you advocate spousal abuse as a viable solution, which it certainly is not.

Seriously, having a fist is basically the last thing you want on a cover pertaining to saving your marriage. It kind of gives the idea that you advocate spousal abuse as a viable solution, which it certainly is not.

Uh, I’m not sure depicting a fist was a great cover choice for this one. You don’t want to get the wrong idea.

13. I Sing the Body Electric by Ray Bradbury

Man, that seems like a cross between a centaur with humans on his hands that resemble him. Now this makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was on some psychedelic drugs when he thought this would make a great idea for a cover.

Man, that seems like a cross between a centaur with humans on his hands that resemble him. Now this makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was on some psychedelic drugs when he thought this would make a great idea for a cover.

Don’t get me wrong, this is supposed to be a great book. However, I think Bradbury’s cover designer got a little carried away with the photoshop on this one.

14. Junkie: Confessions of an Unredeemed Addict by William Lee (William S. Burroughs)

Now this is a book by William S. Burroughs that focuses on his life as a heroin user and dealer during the 1940s. However, the cover seems like some bad shit's about to go down.

Now this is a book by William S. Burroughs that focuses on his life as a heroin user and dealer during the 1940s. However, the cover seems like some bad shit’s about to go down.

By looking at the cover, I can’t tell whether this is an intervention, drug pushing, murder, or sexual assault.

15. Bread Sculpture: The Edible Art by Ann Wiseman

Now this book has a wide range of bread sculptures in it such as the ladybugs and dinosaurs. However, there are also ones that involve naked people which are just so disturbing. And they even have pubes, yes, bread pubes. Not to mention, it gives the word "doughnut" a whole new meaning.

Now this book has a wide range of bread sculptures in it such as the ladybugs and dinosaurs. However, there are also ones that involve naked people which are just so disturbing. And they even have pubes, yes, bread pubes. Not to mention, it gives the word “doughnut” a whole new meaning.

For those who love erotica and hot crossed buns, this book is for you.

16. “Help Lord – the Devil Wants Me Fat!” by C. S. Lovett

As if dieting books were already bad enough when it comes to fat shaming. This book basically says that overeating and obesity are the work of Satan. And that the only way to lose weight is to stop eating for several days and spend mealtimes away from your family. Seriously.

As if dieting books were already bad enough when it comes to fat shaming. This book basically says that overeating and obesity are the work of Satan. And that the only way to lose weight is to stop eating for several days and spend mealtimes away from your family. Seriously.

Now you can trim your way to a healthy body through the Lord.

17. If the Devil Made You Do It, You Blew It! (But It Doesn’t Need to Happen Again) by Lorraine Peterson

Yes, this is a teen devotional with it's cheesy mandatory diversity photo from the 1980s. However, I suggest a picture of the temptation of Faust by Mephistopheles would be far more appropriate than this.

Yes, this is a teen devotional with it’s cheesy mandatory diversity photo from the 1980s. However, I suggest a picture of the temptation of Faust by Mephistopheles would be far more appropriate than this.

Now if you had the word, “Devil” on the cover, I’m not sure having a stock photo with happy diverse kids is an appropriate cover image.

18. Die You Doughnut Bastards by Cameron Pierce

Excerpt from Amazon. com: "The bacon storm is rolling in. We hear the grease and sugar beat against the roof and windows. The doughnut people are attacking. We press close together, forgetting for a moment that we hate each other." Still, I'm sure seeing zombie doughnuts on the cover may remind some people of their horrible acid trip at the Dunkin' Doughnuts.

Excerpt from Amazon. com: “The bacon storm is rolling in. We hear the grease and sugar beat against the roof and windows. The doughnut people are attacking. We press close together, forgetting for a moment that we hate each other.” Still, I’m sure seeing zombie doughnuts on the cover may remind some people of their horrible acid trip at Krispy Kreme.

Of course, this book might scare you out staying clear from Dunkin’ Doughnuts from now on.

19. Eight Men and a Lady by Elizabeth Sinclair

I'm sure looking at all the guys' hats on the cover you might be expecting an orgy with Snow White, the Prince, and the seven dwarfs. Please, I don't want to imagine it.

I’m sure looking at all the guys’ hats on the cover you might be expecting an orgy with Snow White, the Prince, and the seven dwarfs. Please, I don’t want to imagine it.

Seems to go on the same story line as “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” but with far more sex.

20. Daggers of Darkness by Steve Jackson and Joe Livingstone

Now this looks dangerous. Doesn't help that he has a nasty weapon that could rip his eye out. But I'm not sure if the cover artist cared.

Now this looks dangerous. Doesn’t help that he has a nasty mace that could rip his eye out. But I’m not sure if the cover artist cared.

Because nothing draws in adolescent boys than a bald guy waterskiing on his sabertooth tigers with his hawk friend.

21. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy's actually all right once you get to know him. Nevertheless, it's kind of funny he looks like Colin Firth in this. Yet, the real bad boy in this is actually George Wickam.

Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy’s actually all right once you get to know him. But I’m not sure why this cover should depict him as a young Colin Firth with chest hair.  Not sure if I want to see his Fitzwilliam.

Parents, lock your daughters, for bad boy Mr. Darcy is in town!

22. King Arthur’s Knights by Henry Gilbert

Seriously, how can someone mistake a couple of Indian horsemen as King Arthur's knights. For God's sake, King Arthur is a medieval English king! He may not be real but, still. These two guys look like they're in the service of Geronimo.

Seriously, how can someone mistake a couple of Indian horsemen as King Arthur’s knights. For God’s sake, King Arthur is a medieval English king! He may not be real but, still. These two guys look like they’re in the service of Geronimo.

No, I’m sure Medieval England didn’t look like a New Mexican desert.

23. The Lost Princess of Oz by L. Frank Baum

This woman is Emily Bronte who's best known for writing Wuthering Heights during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of tuberculosis at 30 in 1848, which was 8 years before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn't make any damn sense.

This woman is Charlotte Bronte who’s best known for writing Jane Eyre during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of at 38 in 1855 while pregnant, which was the year before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn’t make any damn sense.

For the love of God what the hell is a Bronte sister doing on an Oz book cover?

24. Saturday Morning Mind Control by Phil Phillips

Now this book is certainly for Christian audiences that says the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a cult while the Care Bears are about non Christian attitudes and beliefs. Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are brainwashing our children as we speak! That doesn't even mention that watching Casper and the Smurfs will prepare kids for the occult. Nevertheless, this book is written by a guy who really doesn't know what he's talking about.

Now this book is certainly for Christian audiences that says the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a cult while the Care Bears are about non Christian attitudes and beliefs. Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are brainwashing our children as we speak! That doesn’t even mention that watching Casper and the Smurfs will prepare kids for the occult. Nevertheless, this book is written by a guy who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Remember, parents, don’t let your kids watch Saturday morning cartoons or else Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will zap them through the TV with his cosmic rays.

25. All That the Rain Promises and More…: A Hip Pocket Guide to Western Mushrooms by Dave Arora

Yeah, I think this trombonist seems like he wants to poison somebody. Maybe it's the concert master for disappointing him that the his instrument doesn't get the melody part in "Seventy-Six Trombones."

Yeah, I think this trombonist seems like he wants to poison somebody. Maybe it’s the concert master for disappointing him that the his instrument doesn’t get the melody part in “Seventy-Six Trombones.”

I don’t know about you but from the look at the guy’s face, I’m not sure if I want to eat that.

26. Life and Public Services of John Quincy Adams by William H. Seward

Now this is a book about the 6th President of the United States who also had an illustrious political career. And it was written by William Seward who was Lincoln's Secretary of State responsible for buying Alaska. So why the hell are there moai statues on the cover? They're in South America, goddammit!

Now this is a book about the 6th President of the United States who also had an illustrious political career. And it was written by William Seward who was Lincoln’s Secretary of State responsible for buying Alaska. So why the hell are there moai statues on the cover? They’re in South America, goddammit!

Since what do the moai statues in Easter Island have anything to do with the life of John Quincy Adams?

27. Wrestling for Gay Guys by Donald Black

Okay, that looks kind of gay. Then again, after watching Foxcatcher, you wonder if wrestling is such a manly sport that the movie might have some homoerotic undertones.

Okay, that looks kind of gay. Then again, after watching Foxcatcher, you wonder if wrestling is such a manly sport that the movie might have some homoerotic undertones.

Finally a book for all the gay wrestlers out there.

28. In the Heart of Africa by Sir Samuel White Baker

Now even if you haven't read this or even heard of this book, anyone who knows the slightest bit about Africa should know that it doesn't look like the freaking Himalayas.

Now even if you haven’t read this or even heard of this book, anyone who knows the slightest bit about Africa should know that it doesn’t look like the freaking Himalayas.

I don’t remember reading about Africa and hearing about its snowcapped peaks and Mongol hordes, not to be critical.

29. Wessex Tales by Thomas Hardy

What's even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I'd wonder what Thomas Hardy would've thought of "Sweet Child of Mine."

What’s even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I’d wonder what 19th century Victorian author Thomas Hardy would’ve thought of “Sweet Child of Mine.”

No, this isn’t a book about Slash. Sorry, Guns n’ Roses fans.

30. Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe

Now Moll Flanders is the kind of book you'd want your daughter to read if she's younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman who's married 5 times, has a kid with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.

Now Moll Flanders is the kind of book you’d want your daughter to read if she’s younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman and a prostitute who’s married 5 times, sleeps with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.

I’m sorry but I’m sure Daniel Defoe’s heroine wasn’t a Viking warrior princess.

31. Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle

Seriously, androids didn't exist in the late 19th century. And this guy doesn't even seem dressed as a Victorian. So why he's on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book just beats me.

Seriously, androids didn’t exist in the late 19th century. And this guy doesn’t even seem dressed as a Victorian. So why he’s on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book just beats me.

Hey, Sherlock Holmes wasn’t an android? Does this guy think there’s a story called “The Search for the Missing Terminator”?

32. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

Now Treasure Island takes place in the 17th century during the Golden Age of Piracy. Sure it's not really an accurate piece about pirates since they didn't bury treasure. However, Stevenson makes no mention of bicycles in the text, which weren't invented until the late 19th century. By then, Stevenson was dead.

Now Treasure Island takes place in the 17th century during the Golden Age of Piracy. Sure it’s not really an accurate piece about pirates since they didn’t bury treasure. However, Stevenson makes no mention of bicycles in the text, which weren’t invented until the late 19th century. By then, Stevenson was dead.

There’s supposed to be a ship on the cover not of two people cycling in the rain for God’s sake!

33. Ass Goblins of Auschwitz by Cameron Pierce

Now despite the creature being as creepy as hell, this book is hard to take seriously once you see the word, "ass" in the title. I mean ass goblins, seriously?

Now despite the creature being as creepy as hell, this book is hard to take seriously once you see the word, “ass” in the title. I mean ass goblins, seriously?

Nazi goblins with the chests of a human posterior. Must’ve been written on drugs.

34. Merlin’s Ring by H. Warner Munn

Of course, you probably don't want to run into these animals in the park anytime soon. Swans are quite mean but a fire breathing one? Yeah, only cool for awhile until they're coming after you.

Of course, you probably don’t want to run into these animals in the park anytime soon. Swans are quite mean but a fire breathing one? Yeah, only cool for awhile until they’re coming after you.

Now a fire breathing dragon is one thing. A fire breathing swan? Don’t know what to think of that.

35. Joined at Birth: The Lives of Cojoined Twins by Elaine Landau

Yes, cojoined twins are out there and I'm sure there's nothing horrifying about this book. But the cover, maybe you'd wonder whether they should've hired a different illustrator.

Yes, cojoined twins are out there and I’m sure there’s nothing horrifying about this book. But the cover, maybe you’d wonder whether they should’ve hired a different illustrator.

Now I know we should accept cojoined twins but still, this cover is creepy.

36. The Right to Arm Bears by Gordon R. Dickson

Man, maybe we should e-mail our congressmen to increase funding for the National Park Service. I really have a bad feeling about the Grizzly uprising against campers in the western National Parks.

Man, maybe we should e-mail our congressmen to increase funding for the National Park Service. I really have a bad feeling about the Grizzly uprising against campers in the western National Parks come tourist season.

Look out, all you hikers out there, Sergeant Grizz is going commando. Give him all your food or else he’d nail you with his AK-47.

37. Nights of the Living Hell by Deborah Barton

Now that kind of looks like the covered bridge near where I live. And I don't remember it having fangs and red eyes, which are obviously drawn for the cover.

Now that kind of looks like the covered bridge near where I live. And I don’t remember it having fangs and red eyes, which are obviously drawn for the cover.

Seems like this Covered Bridge of Death is hungry for cars and pedestrians.

38.The Nuclear War Fun Book

Includes ideas for games like Mark the Mutant, Connect the Craters, Radioactive Tag, and Body Count. Has a History Mystery Quiz and Paper Doll Nuclear Wardrobe. Also includes tips for a fallout shelter library and pharmacy. Yes, this is the book for your kids to do while their whole world is incinerated by a nuclear apocalypse.

Includes ideas for games like Mark the Mutant, Connect the Craters, Radioactive Tag, and Body Count. Has a History Mystery Quiz and Paper Doll Nuclear Wardrobe. Also includes tips for a fallout shelter library and pharmacy. Yes, this is the book for your kids to do while their whole world is incinerated by a nuclear apocalypse.

In case your kids get bored during the upcoming nuclear holocaust, this is the educational activity book for them.

39. Tales of Chinatown by Sax Rohmer

This is mad King Ludwig II's fairytale Neuschwanstein Castle in Southwest Bavaria, Germany. There is absolutely nothing Chinese about this very European structure. So putting a cover on a book about Chinatown absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.

This is mad King Ludwig II’s fairytale Neuschwanstein Castle in Southwest Bavaria, Germany. There is absolutely nothing Chinese about this very European structure. So putting a cover on a book about Chinatown absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.

Hey, that doesn’t look anything like Chinese architecture. Seems like Rohmer’s Yellow Peril stereotypes based on wild misinformation.

40. Gladiator At-Law by Frederick Pohl and C. M. Kornbluth

And here is the guy on the computer with his shirt ripped who can't watch. But from how I see it, it seems way lamer than The Hunger Games.

And here is the guy on the computer with his shirt ripped who can’t watch. But from how I see it, it seems way lamer than The Hunger Games.

Nothing says science fiction like scantily clad guys fighting each other to the death with lightsabers.

41. How to Land a Top Paying Pierogie Maker’s Job by Ashley McFadden

Now if it wasn't for the title, I would've saw it as a book on how to get a job. Seriously, it just looks so generic, it could be about anything. At least a pierogie picture would've made sense.

Now if it wasn’t for the title, I would’ve saw it as a book on how to get a job. Seriously, it just looks so generic, it could be about anything. At least a pierogie picture would’ve made sense.

Now if you have a book about being a pierogie maker, shouldn’t there be a pierogie on the cover? Just saying.

42. Black Redneck vs. Space Zombies by Steven Roy

"Say hello, to my lady Sweet Lorraine, you motherfuckers." Black redneck cowboy firing his pistol at space zombies. Now I've seen everything.

“Say hello, to my lady Sweet Lorraine, you motherfuckers.” Black redneck cowboy firing his pistol at space zombies. Now I’ve seen everything.

Now it seems only D’Angelo “Tex” Wallace can only save the day from the savage zombie apocalypse from outer space.

43. Rodent Mutation by Bron Lee

Man, didn't these people know that beavers are actually vegetarians, not man eating monsters. Still, other than its size, the giant beavers don't seem that scary at all. I mean what's the worst they could do? Build a dam?

Man, didn’t these people know that beavers are actually vegetarians, not man eating monsters. Still, other than its size, the giant beavers don’t seem that scary at all. I mean what’s the worst they could do? Build a dam?

Ahh! There are giant beavers in the woods! Run for your lives!

44. To Your Scattered Bodies Go by Philip Jose Farmer

Now I don't know what's creepier about the cover: the naked man with the strategically placed award sticker or the guy on the floating platform with the top hat and cane.

Now I don’t know what’s creepier about the cover: the naked man with the strategically placed award sticker or the guy on the floating platform with the top hat and cane.

Now that’s a strategically placed award sticker. Right on his crotch.

45. Han Solo’s Revenge by Brian Daley

Han Solo may always shoot first. But it appears that Chewie might be out for blood by the expression his face and how he's holding his gun.

Han Solo may always shoot first. But it appears that Chewie might be out for blood by the expression his face and how he’s holding his gun.

More like Chewbacca’s Revenge to me.

46. Stress Pattern by Neal Barrett Jr.

From the description, it's said the phallic thing is actually called a "worm way" which is a subway in this book's bizarre universe. Also, seems one the humans is wearing a tin hat to keep safe from the aliens.

From the description, it’s said the phallic thing is actually called a “worm way” which is a subway in this book’s bizarre universe. Also, seems one the humans is wearing a tin hat to keep safe from the aliens.

Wonder if that stress pattern is a sci-fi novel about erectile dysfunction.

47. The M. D. She Had to Marry by Christine Rimmer

Seems like nothing says romance than having to marry a sexy doctor in a shotgun wedding after he knocked you up after a one night stand. Of course, it's a fantasy.

Seems like nothing says romance than having to marry a sexy doctor in a shotgun wedding after he knocked you up after a one night stand. Of course, it’s a fantasy.

The baby with the engagement ring is a clear strangulation hazard.

48. Timepivot by Brian N. Ball

Art must've been inspired by Dali, Magritte, or brown acid. Seems like the Galactic Federation has some explaining to do.

Art must’ve been inspired by Dali, Magritte, or brown acid. Seems like the Galactic Federation has some explaining to do.

Seems like this beach beauty is all ear and nose. Also, what’s with the floating eyeball?

49. Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe

Okay, seems like these two may be on a deserted island. But I don't see how this nude rape scene has anything to do with being stranded on a deserted island that doesn't seem to have any women around.

Okay, seems like these two may be on a deserted island. But I don’t see how this nude rape scene has anything to do with being stranded on a deserted island that doesn’t seem to have any women around.

I haven’t read the book but I’m sure that there aren’t any white women in this book, let alone rape.

50. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Sorry, all you raging hormonal adolescent boys out there, but this isn't a book about a courageous nude saving a bunch of bodacious babes from Martian cities.

Sorry, all you raging hormonal adolescent boys out there, but this isn’t a book about a courageous nude saving a bunch of bodacious babes from Martian cities.

Now this is a book pertaining to an alleged utopian society where people’s social roles are determined while they’re test tube babies. But you wouldn’t know it by the cover.

51. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Then again, Frankenstein's Monster on this cover seems to have an emo thing going on. Maybe he should stop worrying about trying to win Victor's love and join a hair metal band.

Then again, Frankenstein’s Monster on this cover seems to have an emo thing going on. Maybe he should stop worrying about trying to win Victor’s love and join a hair metal band.

It’s one thing to be a hideous monster revived by dead tissue and electricity. But how did Frankenstein’s monster manage to find a hair stylist who would take him?

52. Where’s the Poop? by Julie Markes and illustrated by Kathleen Susan Hartung

Then again, children do poop so there's no excuse not to write a children's book about it. Of course, we all know that the animals see no need of indoor plumbing and flush toilets.

Then again, children do poop so there’s no excuse not to write a children’s book about it. Of course, we all know that the animals see no need of indoor plumbing and flush toilets.

Now we all can guess that, at least when it comes to people.

53. West of January by Dave Duncan

Now I know that Orcas are among the Oceans' top predators, they're also seen as adorable animals which makes this cover hard to take seriously.

Now I know that Orcas are among the Oceans’ top predators, they’re also seen as adorable animals which makes this cover hard to take seriously.

Some near nude guys surf on tigers, others on killer whales.

54. The Far Arena by Richard Ben Sapir

Now I'm sure the naked gladiator is totally shitting himself right as he sees the large mysterious flying object in the sky that resembles no bird he's ever seen.

Now I’m sure the naked gladiator is totally shitting himself right as he sees the large mysterious flying object in the sky that resembles no bird he’s ever seen.

Can anyone tell me why there’s a large jet aircraft flying over ancient Rome?

55. Strip Mauled edited by Esther Friesner

I'm sure Mr. Werewolf and Ms. Vampire wouldn't act so polite while at tea. Also, I wonder why the vampire lady is dressed like she has a second job at the ye Olde Transylvania strip club.

I’m sure Mr. Werewolf and Ms. Vampire wouldn’t act so polite while at tea. Also, I wonder why the vampire lady is dressed like she has a second job at the ye Olde Transylvania strip club.

Who figured that on a night like this all your fantasy horror creatures would have a midnight tea social?

56. Slave Ship by Frederik Pohl

Of course, I'm not sure why an orangutan and a seal are in the picture either. Still, seems like this guy is listening to his CD while giving the animals directions. Hardly a situation in humans in chattel.

Of course, I’m not sure why an orangutan and a seal are in the picture either. Still, seems like this guy is listening to his CD while giving the animals directions. Hardly a situation in humans in chattel.

Well, being on a slave ship doesn’t seem that bad if there’s a puppy involved.

57. The Gay Old Boys of Yale! A Book of Wit and Humor: Showing the Scrapes and Escapes of College Life (1869) by John Denison Vose

Even funnier is that it was published by Kissinger Legacy Reprints. Then again, Henry Kissinger was a Harvard man so why his name be on the cover of a Yale book is anyone's guess.

Guess the only gay action in this book involves rich guys randomly hooking up with each other after a boozy fest at their frats. I’m sure 1869 would have no shortage of that. Then again, the title is still pretty funny.

Too bad this volume of the Gay Old Boys of Yale doesn’t include Cole Porter who often pops into my mind when I hear about LGBT Yale alumni.

58. The Pocket Book of Boners: An Omnibus of School Boy Howlers and Unconscious Humor illustrated by Dr. Seuss

Of course, when this title referred to "boners" I'm sure they didn't mean "erections" but I'm sure no adolescent school boy wouldn't want to have one during class.

Of course, when this title referred to “boners” I’m sure they didn’t mean “erections” but I’m sure no adolescent school boy wouldn’t want to have one during class.

“Boners,” “unconscious humor” I wonder what dirty stuff that would entail?

59. Images You Should Not Masturbate To

Still, I don't know why anyone would jerk off to a naked old guy wielding an ax on the water. I don't see how such an image can turn anyone on in any way.

Still, I don’t know why anyone would jerk off to a naked old guy wielding an ax on the water. I don’t see how such an image can turn anyone on in any way.

Yes, that would be an image nobody should masturbate to. I think we can all agree on that.

60. Make Your Own Sex Toys

However, if you chose to make a wooden dildo, remember that there's a chance for splinters if you don't varnish them. Seriously, I'd hate to see the stuff they make in this one.

However, if you chose to make a wooden dildo, remember that there’s a chance for splinters if you don’t varnish them. Seriously, I’d hate to see the stuff they make in this one.

Because why go and buy expensive sex toys at the naughty shop when you can make your own?

How to Treat an American Flag

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The American flag is one of the United States’ most significant and powerful patriotic symbols. We have so many stuff for it such as our national anthem, “The Star Spangled Banner,” written by a lawyer named Francis Scott Key who witnessed the Battle of Fort McHenry during the War of 1812 while a prisoner on a British ship in Baltimore Harbor. Of course, even though the flag has been around since the American Revolution but contrary to what you might’ve learned in school, it was definitely not designed by a woman named Betsy Ross (that was just some bullshit story made up by her grandson). It was more likely designed by Continental Congress delegate and signer of the Declaration of Independence signer Francis Hopkinson (and even his claim has holes in it but at least his involvement with the design is supported by evidence). Yet, there are also stories relating to other individuals as well. But as to whoever sewn the first American flag, it could be any flag maker in Philadelphia. Over the years, it has gone through many renditions, there wasn’t a lot of rules that pertained to the stars and stripes at first save perhaps that it should include 13 red and white stripes as well as a blue square at the top left corner that consisted of a number of stars that depicted the number of states at the time. However, until 1912, there was no pattern to how the stars should be displayed. And if you go to an American Civil War museum, then you’d find a lot of interesting patterns.

One of the many designs you might see of a Union flag in an American Civil War museum. The star configuration on the flag wouldn't be established until 1912.

One of the many designs you might see of a Union flag in an American Civil War museum. The star configuration on the flag wouldn’t be established until 1912.

Despite that the Stars and Stripes was adopted in 1777, it wasn’t until 146 years later when there was a serious attempt to establish a uniform code of etiquette for the US flag. On February 15, 1923, the War Department issued the US Flag Code which was adopted almost in their entirety on June 14 of that year by a conference of 68 patriotic organizations in Washington D.C. However, the US Flag Code didn’t become official law until years later. Now military branches have their own codes for the American Flag. This is for civilians.

If something has the likeness of an American flag to an observer, then it should be seen as an American flag. Since this house is painted as an American flag, it's basically disrespect.

If something has the likeness of an American flag to an observer, then it should be seen as an American flag. Since this house is painted as an American flag, it’s basically disrespect.

“The words “flag, standard, colors, or ensign”, as used herein, shall include any flag, standard, colors, ensign, or any picture or representation of either, or of any part or parts of either, made of any substance or represented on any substance, of any size evidently purporting to be either of said flag, standard, colors, or ensign of the United States of America or a picture or a representation of either, upon which shall be shown the colors, the stars and the stripes, in any number of either thereof, or of any part or parts of either, by which the average person seeing the same without deliberation may believe the same to represent the flag, colors, standard, or ensign of the United States of America.” –Introduction to the US Flag Code Ch. 1 Title 4.

When to Display the Flag

The flag should be displayed at all times on a pole at public buildings, legal holidays, and other occasions.

The flag should be displayed at all times on a pole at public buildings, legal holidays, and other occasions. On all days, it’s usually hoisted on flagstaffs from sunrise to sunset.

On all days, especially on legal holidays and other special occasions.

It's always customary for classrooms to stand up and recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" every morning. But even though I love my country, saying the Pledge was kind of a pain in the ass for me. Nevertheless, Francis Bellamy had a way to salute the flag during the pledge but it was discontinued in the 1940s for bearing too much similarities to the Hitler salute (yes, really).

It’s always customary for classrooms to stand up and recite the “Pledge of Allegiance” every morning. But even though I love my country, saying the Pledge was kind of a pain in the ass for me. Nevertheless, Francis Bellamy had a way to salute the flag during the pledge but it was discontinued in the 1940s for bearing too much similarities to the Hitler salute (yes, really).

On official buildings when in use, in or near polling places on election days, and in or near schools when in session.

Customary between sunrise and sunset on buildings and on stationary flagstaffs in the open.

Citizens may fly it at any time.

The American flag flies continuously at the US Marine War Memorial in Washington D. C. which depicts the statue of the soldiers in the Iwo Jima flag raising photo, which was staged as said in Flags of Our Fathers. What happened to the men in it is pretty sad.

The American flag flies continuously at the US Marine War Memorial in Washington D. C. which depicts the statue of the soldiers in the Iwo Jima flag raising photo, which was staged as said in Flags of Our Fathers. What happened to the men in it is pretty sad.

May be displayed at night, on special occasions, preferably lighted.

Flies at the White House and the East and West fronts as well as the dome of the US Capitol at all times and at the US House and Senate while in session. Other places it flies continuously at: US customs and ports of entry, Fort McHenry National Monument and Historic Shrine as well as Flag House Square in Baltimore, the Francis Scott Key Home, the Marine Corps War Memorial (Raising of the Flag at Iwo Jima), Battle Green at Lexington, Massachusetts, the South Pole, the Moon, Valley Forge, and other places by custom.

50 flags are continuously displayed at the Washington Monument.

A Civil War era flag flies continuously at Pennsylvania Hall at Gettysburg College.

Small flags usually fly at all times on graves of those who’ve served in the US military.

Flying the Flag at Half-Staff

To fly a flag at half staff is a sign of a nation in mourning. This is usually done upon deaths of high elected official, days of remembrance, and upon presidential proclamation.

To fly a flag at half staff is a sign of a nation in mourning. This is usually done upon deaths of high elected official, days of remembrance, and upon presidential proclamation.

Signal of mourning.

Should be hoisted to the peak before being lowered to half-staff.

Durations:

  • By presidential proclamation.
  • 30 days from the day of death for a sitting or former president.
  • 10 days from the day of death for a current Vice President, current/retired Chief Supreme Court Justice, and Speaker of the House.
  • Day of death to day to burial for associate Supreme Court Justice, cabinet member, former Vice President, Senate president pro tempore, and House and Senate majority and minority leaders.
  • Day of death to following day in DC and day of death to burial in decedent’s constituency for US senator, representative, territorial delegate, and residential commissioner for Puerto Rico.
  • Day of death to burial in the decedent’s constituency for governor.
  • On Memorial Day until noon and then raised at peak.
  • On Korean War Veterans Armistice Day (July 27), National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day (December 7), and Peace Officers Memorial Day (May 15).

How to Fly the Flag

This picture illustrates how you should fly the United States flag. And believe me, the US flag code thinks of everything.

This picture illustrates how you should fly the United States flag. And believe me, the US flag code thinks of everything.

Should be hoisted briskly and ceremoniously.

Should never touch the ground or floor.

When hung over a sidewalk, union side should be away from the building.

When hung over the center of a street, union side should be to the north in an east-west street and to the east in a north-south street.

Must not fly any flag above it or to the right if flown at the same level, except at the United Nations Headquarters and only the UN flag for the former and the member states for the latter.

When 2 flags are placed against a wall with crossed staffs, it should be at right and in front of the staff of the other flag.

When a number of flags are grouped and displayed on staffs, it should be at the center and highest point of the group.

When displayed on a private estate, it shouldn’t be hung (unless at half-staff or when an all weather flag is displayed) during rain or violent weather.

Church and Platform Use

In an auditorium, must be displayed flat, above, and behind the speaker.

When displayed on a staff at church or in a public auditorium, it must hold the position of superior prominence, in advance of the audience, and in a position of honor on the speaker’s right while he or she faces the audience. Other flags should be placed on the left facing the audience.

When it is displayed at the floor of a church or public auditorium, it should be placed on the speaker’s left.

While it may seem like a US Flag Code violation, it's actually not since this photo was taken behind the scenes. The code calls the stars to be at the observer's left and will certainly look like this to the audience. Thus, this is correct.

While it may seem like a US Flag Code violation, it’s actually not since this photo was taken behind the scenes. The code calls the stars to be at the observer’s left and will certainly look like this to the audience. Thus, this is correct.

When displayed horizontally or vertically against the wall or hung, the stars should be uppermost and at the observer’s left.

The only acceptable time when an American flag can be draped is on a coffin during a funeral for a serviceman, public official of high standing, or first responders, especially if killed in the line of duty.

The only acceptable time when an American flag can be draped is on a coffin during a funeral for a serviceman, public official of high standing, or first responders, especially if killed in the line of duty. However, it should be removed and folded before being presented to the next of kin.

When covering a casket, it should be placed so that the union (star side) is at the head and over the left shoulder. It should not be lowered into the grave or touch the ground.

Ways to display it on a casket:

  • Closed Casket: When the flag is used to drape a closed casket, it should be so placed that the union (blue field) is at the head and over the left shoulder of the deceased. It may be said that the flag is embracing the deceased who in life has served the flag.
  • Half Couch (Open): When the flag is used to drape a half-couch casket, it should be placed three layers to cover the closed half of the casket in such a manner that the blue field will be the top fold, next to the open portion of the casket on the deceased’s left.
  • Full Couch (Open): When the flag is used to drape a full-couch casket, it should be folded in a triangular shape and placed in the center part of the head panel of the casket cap, just above the left shoulder of the deceased. (ushistory.org)

Maintaining the Flag

Look, I understand you want a picture of your cat for Facebook patriotic kitten photo contest. But still, American flags shouldn't be on the ground nor be placed in a jumbled up mess.

Look, I understand you want a picture of your cat for Facebook patriotic kitten photo contest. But still, American flags shouldn’t be on the ground nor be placed in a jumbled up mess.

When lowered, it should never touch the ground, water, or other object as well as received in waiting hands. It should be folded neatly and ceremoniously.

Of course, I can attach much political symbols on this picture during the 5th anniversary of 9/11. But even Mr. and Mrs. Bush should know better than to step and wipe their feet on the stars and stripes.

Of course, I can attach much political symbols on this picture during the 5th anniversary of 9/11. But even Mr. and Mrs. Bush should know better than to step and wipe their feet on the stars and stripes.

It should never be stepped on.

Gee, Beatles, this picture of the American flag seems all right with the union at the observer's left, but it's hung a little too low since the Fab Four are basically stepping on it. Then again, I'll just let them off this one since they're fantastic and British.

Gee, Beatles, this picture of the American flag seems all right with the union at the observer’s left, but it’s hung a little too low since the Fab Four are basically stepping on it. Then again, I’ll just let them off this one since they’re fantastic and British. Also, they probably weren’t consulted.

It should be cleaned and mended when necessary.

The flag should be ceremoniously folded like this:

And here's a step-by-step graphic to show you. As my experience with folding an American flag at West Overton, you need at least one other person to do this. Seriously, you see this flag folding at military funerals.

And here’s a step-by-step graphic to show you. As my experience with folding an American flag at West Overton, you need at least a few people to do this. Seriously, you see this flag folding at military funerals.

1. Begin by holding it waist-high with another person so that its surface is parallel to the ground.
2. Fold the lower half of the stripe section lengthwise over the field of stars, holding the bottom and top edges securely.
3. Fold the flag again lengthwise with the blue field on the outside.
4. Make a rectangular fold then a triangular fold by bringing the striped corner of the folded edge to meet the open top edge of the flag, starting the fold from the left side over to the right.
5. Turn the outer end point inward, parallel to the open edge, to form a second triangle.
6. The triangular folding is continued until the entire length of the flag is folded in this manner (usually thirteen triangular folds, as shown at right). On the final fold, any remnant that does not neatly fold into a triangle (or in the case of exactly even folds, the last triangle) is tucked into the previous fold.
7. When the flag is completely folded, only a triangular blue field of stars should be visible.

How to Dispose of a Worn Flag

If you have an American flag that's worn out and torn to shreds, you can dispose it right in bins like these from organizations like the Boy Scouts, American Legion, VFW, the military, or others.

If you have an American flag that’s worn out and torn to shreds, you can dispose it right in bins like these from organizations like the Boy Scouts, American Legion, VFW, the military, or others.

When the flag is in a condition that makes it no longer an emblem for display, it must be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably burning. If you can’t do it yourself remember that you can always contact your local chapters of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, American Legion, Boy Scouts of America, the military or other organizations that conduct dignified flag burning and retirement ceremonies.

As your flag deteriorates, you might want to think about disposing it in a dignified manner, preferably by burning. There's a lot of organizations that take tattered flags and retire them.

As your flag deteriorates, you might want to think about disposing it in a dignified manner, preferably by burning. There’s a lot of organizations that take tattered flags and retire them.

However, if it’s made from polyester or nylon, it’s best if you have it recycled due to hazardous gases being produced while it’s being burned.

Nevertheless, if you find a damaged flag say from an era prior to 1912, you might want to have preserved in a museum immediately.

When to Salute the Flag

Unless you're a member of the band playing the National Anthem or recitation of the "Pledge of Allegiance," it's always customary to salute the flag. Servicemen do the military salute while civilians place their right hands on their hearts.

Unless you’re a member of the band playing the National Anthem or recitation of the “Pledge of Allegiance,” it’s always customary to salute the flag. Servicemen do the military salute while civilians place their right hands on their hearts.

All should face the flag, stand at attention and salute on these occasions:

1. When the flag is passing in a parade or review
2. During the ceremony of hoisting and lowering
3. While the national anthem is played
4. During the Pledge of Allegiance

During these occasions, those in uniform should render military style. Civilians should place the right hand over their heart. Men wearing hats should remove them and old it on their left shoulders during the salute.

Prohibited Uses of the Flag

Sure we may remember Janet Jackson exposing her boob at the Super Bowl in 2004. But I also remember seeing Kid Rock wearing an American flag and clutching his crotch in one of the most disrespectful ways to treat the Stars and Stripes.

Sure we may remember Janet Jackson exposing her boob at the Super Bowl in 2004. But I also remember seeing Kid Rock wearing an American flag and clutching his crotch in one of the most disrespectful ways to treat the Stars and Stripes.

Don’t dip the flag into any person or thing (except if it’s a customary ship salute).

Now this soldier has his flag upside down to say our nation is in distress over the killing of innocents in the Middle East, which is fine. However, the writing on the flag is actually more disrespectful.

Now this soldier has his flag upside down to say our nation is in distress over the killing of innocents in the Middle East, which is fine. However, the writing on the flag is actually more disrespectful.

Don’t display the flag with the union side down except as a distress signal.

It's always a tradition in pro football games to display the American flag on the field. However, it's also a violation of the US Flag Code done in the name of patriotism. Then again, it looks good for the cameras.

It’s always a tradition in pro football games to display the American flag on the field. However, it’s also a violation of the US Flag Code done in the name of patriotism. Then again, it looks good for the cameras.

Don’t carry the flag horizontally or flat, but always aloft and free.

For God's sake, this is a patriotic national symbol, not a boat cover. Show a little respect for our country, you asshole!

For God’s sake, this is a patriotic national symbol, not a boat cover. Show a little respect for our country, you asshole!

Don’t display it on a float, automobile, train or a boat except from a staff.

Apparently somebody at the Homes and Gardens channel thought an American flag would make the perfect patriotic table spread. What it really is unpatriotic disrespect.

Apparently somebody at the Homes and Gardens channel thought an American flag would make the perfect patriotic table spread. What it really is unpatriotic disrespect.

Don’t place anything on it.

Sure this may be a heartwarming photo of patriotic cuteness. But the US flag code states you shouldn't let it touch the ground or put anything on it. Babies included.

Sure this may be a heartwarming photo of patriotic cuteness. But the US flag code states you shouldn’t let it touch the ground or put anything on it. Babies included.

Don’t use it as a ceiling covering.

Now while I see nothing wrong with honoring 9/11 victims, writing their names on this flag of honor is kind of disrespectful to the American flag according to the code. No disrespect, please.

Now while I see nothing wrong with honoring 9/11 victims, writing their names on this flag of honor is kind of disrespectful to the American flag according to the code. No disrespect, please.

Don’t place any word, design, insignia, number, letter, mark, picture, or drawing on it (meaning you don’t write anything on it or use it for any design).

For a Vice Presidential candidate known for her extremely hateful conservative comments and love for traditional American values, Sarah Palin sure doesn't have any qualms about desecrating the American flag with her autograph.

For a Vice Presidential candidate known for her extremely hateful conservative comments and love for traditional American values, Sarah Palin sure doesn’t have any qualms about desecrating a sacred national symbol with her autograph.

Don’t use it as a receptacle for carrying or delivering anything.

Sure this may seem like the kind of patriotic photo op that might leave some Americans in stitches. But the Flag code specifically states that the stars and stripes shouldn't be used as a receptacle for anything.

Sure this may seem like the kind of patriotic photo op that might leave some Americans in stitches. But the Flag code specifically states that the stars and stripes shouldn’t be used as a receptacle for anything.

Don’t use it as a cover for a statue or monument.

Sure using an American flag for advertising violates the US flag code. But name a company that doesn't do this around the 4th of July. Seriously, every car dealership and beer distributor does this all the time.

Sure using an American flag for advertising violates the US flag code. But name a company that doesn’t do this around the 4th of July. Seriously, every car dealership and beer distributor does this all the time.

Don’t use it for advertising or put an advertising sign attached to the staff or halyard.

Yes, the 4th of July is a time for patriotic party supplies. But this is possibly very disrespectful to the Stars and Stripes as the Flag Code demonstrates. You might want to go with Captain America instead.

Yes, the 4th of July is a time for patriotic party supplies. But this is possibly very disrespectful to the Stars and Stripes as the Flag Code demonstrates. You might want to go with Captain America instead.

Don’t impress, print, paint, or embroider it on articles boxes, napkins, or anything designed for temporary use and discard as well as stuff like handkerchiefs and cushions.

Okay, now I know Americans love their pets and like to use them in patriotic photo ops. However, it's best you don't put an American flag where it can incur soiling and damage such as in a dog's mouth.

Okay, now I know Americans love their pets and like to use them in patriotic photo ops. However, it’s best you don’t put an American flag where it can incur soiling and damage such as in a dog’s mouth.

Don’t fasten, store, display, or use it in a manner that could leave it easily torn, soiled, or damaged in any way.

Sure this may be a sexy patriotic photo op. But it basically goes against the US flag code to wear an American flag so it's basically desecration.

Sure this may be a sexy patriotic photo op. But it basically goes against the US flag code to wear an American flag so it’s basically desecration.

Don’t use it as part of a costume or athletic uniform except if it’s a flag patch on the uniform of military personnel, firefighters, police officers, astronauts, and members of patriotic organizations (and only as designated by that organization). However, if you should wear a flag lapel, it should be pinned near the heart.

Hmm, Mrs. Palin, I know you love America and you want to take a photo to show it. But you know you're disrespecting the US flag by basically draping it on a chair. And she's among the same people who attack Obama for not wearing a lapel pin.

Hmm, Mrs. Palin, I know you love America and you want to take a photo to show it. But you know you’re disrespecting the US flag by basically draping it on a chair. And she’s among the same people who attack Obama for not wearing a lapel pin.

Don’t use it as drapery, bedding, apparel, or decoration of any sort (save a casket during funerals for servicemen, first responders, and high public officials as long as it’s taken off and ceremonially folded). If you want patriotic decoration and drapery for a speaker’s desk, go with a patriotic bunting instead with the blue above and white in the middle.

Want a patriotic decoration you can use for a podium or platform but don't want to desecrate the American flag? Use this bunting, goddammit! You can find them at any craft store.

Want a patriotic decoration you can use for a podium or platform but don’t want to desecrate the American flag? Use this bunting, goddammit! You can find them at any craft store.

Don’t festoon, draw back, up, bunched up, or in folds, but always allowed to fall free.

When it comes to flag desecration, this is perhaps the only way to disrespect the stars and strips that will get people wanting to put you in jail.

When it comes to flag desecration, this is perhaps the only way to disrespect the stars and stripes that will get people wanting to put you in jail.

As of now, there are no penalties for desecrating an American Flag though there have been suggestions with one law from 1968 saying that it could lead to a $1,000 fine or a year’s imprisonment. Nevertheless, as you’ve seen in the media, many Americans frequently violate these rules in the US Flag Code even though it’s usually those who burn the flag at protest rallies who usually receive the most criticism and calls for prosecution. Advertisers, athletic owners, and clothing designers, not so much but you see the flag’s image desecrated like this all the time in these ways. And sometimes having the flag used in this way is seen as promoting patriotism (even though the people who do this either don’t realize what they’re doing or really don’t care). And here the political spectrum doesn’t matter since shows of flag desecration are basically an American tradition at this point, even when played not to be. Even the US government does this as well since flags are a frequent image on postage stamps. Thus, to call anyone unpatriotic for disrespecting the flag is just stupid since it’s something we basically all do at one time or another.

Even the US government isn't above disrespecting the American flag in which it issues postage stamps in its likeness. However, as Americans, we tend to allow this.

Even the US government isn’t above disrespecting the American flag in which it issues postage stamps in its likeness. However, as Americans, we tend to allow this.

For more:

USFlag.org: http://www.usflag.org/uscode36.html

FAQ on the flag: http://www.ushistory.org/betsy/faq.htm