Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Third Edition)

Since I did my two posts on book covers, I could never imagine they would yield me 3,322 views and 266 views respectively. Whether it be books with strange titles and inappropriate cover images or what not, some of the strangest stuff out there somehow gets published. Of course, with some of these covers, you have to wonder whether it’s coming from a vanity publisher that takes anything for a fee, is self-published, or what the hell are these publishers thinking. And if they’re classics, well, when you take a peek at some noticeably inappropriate cover designs, you might want to scratch your head wondering whether they actually read the book or know what the whole story is all about. Then there are some books out there with cover images that might tell you to stay the hell away from the book if your life depends on it. I mean a book suggesting a romance between a woman and a horse may incite readers for the wrong reasons since the concept is just so wrong. So without further adieu, here are some more questionable book cover choices for your reading pleasure. Seriously, you have to see these.

1. Stand Your Ground: The Biblical Foundation for Self-Defense by Steve Jones

Because no old lady with sunglasses should ever leave her home without her Holy Bible and handgun. Sure there's the thing with "turn the other cheek" but for God's sake, this is America, goddammit!

Because no old lady with sunglasses should ever leave her home without her Holy Bible and handgun. Sure there’s the thing with “turn the other cheek” but for God’s sake, this is America, goddammit!

Includes a forward by George Zimmerman.

2. Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow by D. T. Hobbs

If it wasn't for the title, you wouldn't think it had anything Christian about it. Seriously, when you see pictures of beaches, pools, and sea front stores, do you think of Jesus? No, you think about going on vacation.

If it wasn’t for the title, you wouldn’t think it had anything Christian about it. Seriously, when you see pictures of beaches, pools, and sea front stores, do you think of Jesus? No, you think about going on vacation.

Man, this Christian devotional sure has a great cover image of pools and beach fronts.

3. Melanie’s Marvelous Measles by Stephanie Messenger

And I thought a children's book promoting open carry was bad. This is just seriously fucking insane! I mean there's nothing awesome getting measles whatsoever! For the love of God, vaccinate your kids! I mean if you're so worried about your kid having Autism that you're willing to expose them to potentially fatal childhood diseases, there's just something fucking wrong with you. I'm sorry, but I'd rather have an Autistic child than a dead child. Seriously, Autism isn't nearly as bad as having measles.

And I thought a children’s book promoting open carry was bad. This is just seriously fucking insane! I mean there’s nothing awesome getting measles whatsoever! For the love of God, vaccinate your kids! I mean if you’re so worried about your kid having Autism that you’re willing to expose them to potentially fatal childhood diseases, there’s just something fucking wrong with you! I’m sorry, but I’d rather have an Autistic child than a dead child. Seriously, Autism isn’t nearly as bad as having measles.

Or the kind of children’s book for the anti-vaxxer parent to tell their kids, “Enjoy getting measles, kiddos, which might kill you and leave you blind. But, hey, at least you won’t get Autism, which is caused by vaccination”

4. Demonectomy by Dennis Melton

This would've come in handy in a lot horror movies that involves demon possession. And it seems like this guy really needs it. By the way, the guy has his own website all about it.

This would’ve come in handy in a lot horror movies that involves demon possession. And it seems like this guy really needs it. By the way, the guy has his own website all about it.

Finally, book to teach you how to perform your own exorcisms.

5. But…You’re a Horse by David Bussell

Now this bestiality romance novel seems to give the notion of "horseplay" a whole new meaning. Even freakier is that the horse has human hands and might've had some Minotaur style conception story.

Now this bestiality romance novel seems to give the notion of “horseplay” a whole new meaning. Even freakier is that the horse has human hands and might’ve had some Minotaur style conception story.

Charity’s and Sugarloaf’s forbidden love was a real hay ride that could never be tamed in the stable.

6. Herovit’s World by Barry N. Malzberg

Of course, these sci-fi covers can be pretty trippy. Still, I'm not sure whether I'm more surprised with a maneating typewriter on it or just a typewriter. Then again, it seems to come from the 1980s.

Of course, these sci-fi covers can be pretty trippy. Still, I’m not sure whether I’m more surprised with a maneating typewriter on it or just a typewriter. Then again, it seems to come from the 1980s.

Man, I had no idea that we’ll have man eating typewriters in the future.

7. My Best Meat Recipes

From that woman's face, I'd rather pass the chance of having dinner with her. Her expression reads she might have you in mind as a main course.

From that woman’s face, I’d rather pass the chance of having dinner with her. Her expression reads she might have you in mind as a main course.

Finally, a perfect companion for The Art of Fine Dining by Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

8. A Song for Lya and Other Stories by George R. R. Martin

Man, I'd hate to want to know what all the sky of mouths is all about. Must be a trippy sight even for Westeros and kind of scary, too. Maybe Game of Thrones is a step better than this, at least according to the covers.

Man, I’d hate to want to know what all the sky of mouths is all about. Must be a trippy sight even for Westeros and kind of scary, too. Maybe Game of Thrones is a step better than this, at least according to the covers.

From the author of the fantasy series that brings you great characters before killing them, here is his collection of science fiction stories from the 1980s.

9. Bounce the Balls & They Will Come by Betty Wiseman

Now while this might be the kind of inspirational story Bible Belt Christians know and love in their saccharine media stories, the title is just so hard to make me take this book seriously.

Now while this might be the kind of inspirational story Bible Belt Christians know and love in their saccharine media stories, the title is just so hard to make me take this book seriously.

Finally, a perfect Christian sports devotional for one’s basketball loving nephew who will be so disappointed after opening it.

10. Experiencing Bible Science: A Lab Book for the Young at Heart by Louise Barrett Derr

Actually my mistake. It's actually a "science" activity book catered to 10-14 year olds. The fact it probably advocates creationism. As a Catholic who believes that God created the universe, world, and life over billions of years and through His great miracle of evolution by natural selection, this book is pseudoscientific bullshit at best.

Actually my mistake. It’s actually a “science” activity book catered to 10-14 year olds. The fact it probably advocates creationism isn’t a surprise. As a Catholic I believe that God created the universe, world, and life over billions of years and through His great miracles of evolution by natural selection and the Big Bang. This book is pseudoscientific bullshit at best.

Basically, this seems like the kind of science lab textbooks you’d see at Bob Jones University.

11. Precious Princess Bible

Basically this company thinks that put a pink cover with sparkles on it and girls will instantly buy. Nevertheless, at least there are some great female heroes in this like Jael who got a guy drunk and drove a tent peg in his head.

Basically this company thinks that put a pink cover with sparkles on it and girls will instantly buy. Nevertheless, at least there are some great female heroes in this like Jael who got a guy drunk and drove a tent peg in his head.

Just like a regular Bible, but with the kind of cover suitable for young girls.

12. Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom by Drs. Trevor and Edith Fraser

Seriously, having a fist is basically the last thing you want on a cover pertaining to saving your marriage. It kind of gives the idea that you advocate spousal abuse as a viable solution, which it certainly is not.

Seriously, having a fist is basically the last thing you want on a cover pertaining to saving your marriage. It kind of gives the idea that you advocate spousal abuse as a viable solution, which it certainly is not.

Uh, I’m not sure depicting a fist was a great cover choice for this one. You don’t want to get the wrong idea.

13. I Sing the Body Electric by Ray Bradbury

Man, that seems like a cross between a centaur with humans on his hands that resemble him. Now this makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was on some psychedelic drugs when he thought this would make a great idea for a cover.

Man, that seems like a cross between a centaur with humans on his hands that resemble him. Now this makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was on some psychedelic drugs when he thought this would make a great idea for a cover.

Don’t get me wrong, this is supposed to be a great book. However, I think Bradbury’s cover designer got a little carried away with the photoshop on this one.

14. Junkie: Confessions of an Unredeemed Addict by William Lee (William S. Burroughs)

Now this is a book by William S. Burroughs that focuses on his life as a heroin user and dealer during the 1940s. However, the cover seems like some bad shit's about to go down.

Now this is a book by William S. Burroughs that focuses on his life as a heroin user and dealer during the 1940s. However, the cover seems like some bad shit’s about to go down.

By looking at the cover, I can’t tell whether this is an intervention, drug pushing, murder, or sexual assault.

15. Bread Sculpture: The Edible Art by Ann Wiseman

Now this book has a wide range of bread sculptures in it such as the ladybugs and dinosaurs. However, there are also ones that involve naked people which are just so disturbing. And they even have pubes, yes, bread pubes. Not to mention, it gives the word "doughnut" a whole new meaning.

Now this book has a wide range of bread sculptures in it such as the ladybugs and dinosaurs. However, there are also ones that involve naked people which are just so disturbing. And they even have pubes, yes, bread pubes. Not to mention, it gives the word “doughnut” a whole new meaning.

For those who love erotica and hot crossed buns, this book is for you.

16. “Help Lord – the Devil Wants Me Fat!” by C. S. Lovett

As if dieting books were already bad enough when it comes to fat shaming. This book basically says that overeating and obesity are the work of Satan. And that the only way to lose weight is to stop eating for several days and spend mealtimes away from your family. Seriously.

As if dieting books were already bad enough when it comes to fat shaming. This book basically says that overeating and obesity are the work of Satan. And that the only way to lose weight is to stop eating for several days and spend mealtimes away from your family. Seriously.

Now you can trim your way to a healthy body through the Lord.

17. If the Devil Made You Do It, You Blew It! (But It Doesn’t Need to Happen Again) by Lorraine Peterson

Yes, this is a teen devotional with it's cheesy mandatory diversity photo from the 1980s. However, I suggest a picture of the temptation of Faust by Mephistopheles would be far more appropriate than this.

Yes, this is a teen devotional with it’s cheesy mandatory diversity photo from the 1980s. However, I suggest a picture of the temptation of Faust by Mephistopheles would be far more appropriate than this.

Now if you had the word, “Devil” on the cover, I’m not sure having a stock photo with happy diverse kids is an appropriate cover image.

18. Die You Doughnut Bastards by Cameron Pierce

Excerpt from Amazon. com: "The bacon storm is rolling in. We hear the grease and sugar beat against the roof and windows. The doughnut people are attacking. We press close together, forgetting for a moment that we hate each other." Still, I'm sure seeing zombie doughnuts on the cover may remind some people of their horrible acid trip at the Dunkin' Doughnuts.

Excerpt from Amazon. com: “The bacon storm is rolling in. We hear the grease and sugar beat against the roof and windows. The doughnut people are attacking. We press close together, forgetting for a moment that we hate each other.” Still, I’m sure seeing zombie doughnuts on the cover may remind some people of their horrible acid trip at Krispy Kreme.

Of course, this book might scare you out staying clear from Dunkin’ Doughnuts from now on.

19. Eight Men and a Lady by Elizabeth Sinclair

I'm sure looking at all the guys' hats on the cover you might be expecting an orgy with Snow White, the Prince, and the seven dwarfs. Please, I don't want to imagine it.

I’m sure looking at all the guys’ hats on the cover you might be expecting an orgy with Snow White, the Prince, and the seven dwarfs. Please, I don’t want to imagine it.

Seems to go on the same story line as “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” but with far more sex.

20. Daggers of Darkness by Steve Jackson and Joe Livingstone

Now this looks dangerous. Doesn't help that he has a nasty weapon that could rip his eye out. But I'm not sure if the cover artist cared.

Now this looks dangerous. Doesn’t help that he has a nasty mace that could rip his eye out. But I’m not sure if the cover artist cared.

Because nothing draws in adolescent boys than a bald guy waterskiing on his sabertooth tigers with his hawk friend.

21. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy's actually all right once you get to know him. Nevertheless, it's kind of funny he looks like Colin Firth in this. Yet, the real bad boy in this is actually George Wickam.

Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy’s actually all right once you get to know him. But I’m not sure why this cover should depict him as a young Colin Firth with chest hair.  Not sure if I want to see his Fitzwilliam.

Parents, lock your daughters, for bad boy Mr. Darcy is in town!

22. King Arthur’s Knights by Henry Gilbert

Seriously, how can someone mistake a couple of Indian horsemen as King Arthur's knights. For God's sake, King Arthur is a medieval English king! He may not be real but, still. These two guys look like they're in the service of Geronimo.

Seriously, how can someone mistake a couple of Indian horsemen as King Arthur’s knights. For God’s sake, King Arthur is a medieval English king! He may not be real but, still. These two guys look like they’re in the service of Geronimo.

No, I’m sure Medieval England didn’t look like a New Mexican desert.

23. The Lost Princess of Oz by L. Frank Baum

This woman is Emily Bronte who's best known for writing Wuthering Heights during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of tuberculosis at 30 in 1848, which was 8 years before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn't make any damn sense.

This woman is Charlotte Bronte who’s best known for writing Jane Eyre during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of at 38 in 1855 while pregnant, which was the year before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn’t make any damn sense.

For the love of God what the hell is a Bronte sister doing on an Oz book cover?

24. Saturday Morning Mind Control by Phil Phillips

Now this book is certainly for Christian audiences that says the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a cult while the Care Bears are about non Christian attitudes and beliefs. Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are brainwashing our children as we speak! That doesn't even mention that watching Casper and the Smurfs will prepare kids for the occult. Nevertheless, this book is written by a guy who really doesn't know what he's talking about.

Now this book is certainly for Christian audiences that says the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a cult while the Care Bears are about non Christian attitudes and beliefs. Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are brainwashing our children as we speak! That doesn’t even mention that watching Casper and the Smurfs will prepare kids for the occult. Nevertheless, this book is written by a guy who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Remember, parents, don’t let your kids watch Saturday morning cartoons or else Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will zap them through the TV with his cosmic rays.

25. All That the Rain Promises and More…: A Hip Pocket Guide to Western Mushrooms by Dave Arora

Yeah, I think this trombonist seems like he wants to poison somebody. Maybe it's the concert master for disappointing him that the his instrument doesn't get the melody part in "Seventy-Six Trombones."

Yeah, I think this trombonist seems like he wants to poison somebody. Maybe it’s the concert master for disappointing him that the his instrument doesn’t get the melody part in “Seventy-Six Trombones.”

I don’t know about you but from the look at the guy’s face, I’m not sure if I want to eat that.

26. Life and Public Services of John Quincy Adams by William H. Seward

Now this is a book about the 6th President of the United States who also had an illustrious political career. And it was written by William Seward who was Lincoln's Secretary of State responsible for buying Alaska. So why the hell are there moai statues on the cover? They're in South America, goddammit!

Now this is a book about the 6th President of the United States who also had an illustrious political career. And it was written by William Seward who was Lincoln’s Secretary of State responsible for buying Alaska. So why the hell are there moai statues on the cover? They’re in South America, goddammit!

Since what do the moai statues in Easter Island have anything to do with the life of John Quincy Adams?

27. Wrestling for Gay Guys by Donald Black

Okay, that looks kind of gay. Then again, after watching Foxcatcher, you wonder if wrestling is such a manly sport that the movie might have some homoerotic undertones.

Okay, that looks kind of gay. Then again, after watching Foxcatcher, you wonder if wrestling is such a manly sport that the movie might have some homoerotic undertones.

Finally a book for all the gay wrestlers out there.

28. In the Heart of Africa by Sir Samuel White Baker

Now even if you haven't read this or even heard of this book, anyone who knows the slightest bit about Africa should know that it doesn't look like the freaking Himalayas.

Now even if you haven’t read this or even heard of this book, anyone who knows the slightest bit about Africa should know that it doesn’t look like the freaking Himalayas.

I don’t remember reading about Africa and hearing about its snowcapped peaks and Mongol hordes, not to be critical.

29. Wessex Tales by Thomas Hardy

What's even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I'd wonder what Thomas Hardy would've thought of "Sweet Child of Mine."

What’s even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I’d wonder what 19th century Victorian author Thomas Hardy would’ve thought of “Sweet Child of Mine.”

No, this isn’t a book about Slash. Sorry, Guns n’ Roses fans.

30. Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe

Now Moll Flanders is the kind of book you'd want your daughter to read if she's younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman who's married 5 times, has a kid with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.

Now Moll Flanders is the kind of book you’d want your daughter to read if she’s younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman and a prostitute who’s married 5 times, sleeps with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.

I’m sorry but I’m sure Daniel Defoe’s heroine wasn’t a Viking warrior princess.

31. Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle

Seriously, androids didn't exist in the late 19th century. And this guy doesn't even seem dressed as a Victorian. So why he's on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book just beats me.

Seriously, androids didn’t exist in the late 19th century. And this guy doesn’t even seem dressed as a Victorian. So why he’s on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book just beats me.

Hey, Sherlock Holmes wasn’t an android? Does this guy think there’s a story called “The Search for the Missing Terminator”?

32. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

Now Treasure Island takes place in the 17th century during the Golden Age of Piracy. Sure it's not really an accurate piece about pirates since they didn't bury treasure. However, Stevenson makes no mention of bicycles in the text, which weren't invented until the late 19th century. By then, Stevenson was dead.

Now Treasure Island takes place in the 17th century during the Golden Age of Piracy. Sure it’s not really an accurate piece about pirates since they didn’t bury treasure. However, Stevenson makes no mention of bicycles in the text, which weren’t invented until the late 19th century. By then, Stevenson was dead.

There’s supposed to be a ship on the cover not of two people cycling in the rain for God’s sake!

33. Ass Goblins of Auschwitz by Cameron Pierce

Now despite the creature being as creepy as hell, this book is hard to take seriously once you see the word, "ass" in the title. I mean ass goblins, seriously?

Now despite the creature being as creepy as hell, this book is hard to take seriously once you see the word, “ass” in the title. I mean ass goblins, seriously?

Nazi goblins with the chests of a human posterior. Must’ve been written on drugs.

34. Merlin’s Ring by H. Warner Munn

Of course, you probably don't want to run into these animals in the park anytime soon. Swans are quite mean but a fire breathing one? Yeah, only cool for awhile until they're coming after you.

Of course, you probably don’t want to run into these animals in the park anytime soon. Swans are quite mean but a fire breathing one? Yeah, only cool for awhile until they’re coming after you.

Now a fire breathing dragon is one thing. A fire breathing swan? Don’t know what to think of that.

35. Joined at Birth: The Lives of Cojoined Twins by Elaine Landau

Yes, cojoined twins are out there and I'm sure there's nothing horrifying about this book. But the cover, maybe you'd wonder whether they should've hired a different illustrator.

Yes, cojoined twins are out there and I’m sure there’s nothing horrifying about this book. But the cover, maybe you’d wonder whether they should’ve hired a different illustrator.

Now I know we should accept cojoined twins but still, this cover is creepy.

36. The Right to Arm Bears by Gordon R. Dickson

Man, maybe we should e-mail our congressmen to increase funding for the National Park Service. I really have a bad feeling about the Grizzly uprising against campers in the western National Parks.

Man, maybe we should e-mail our congressmen to increase funding for the National Park Service. I really have a bad feeling about the Grizzly uprising against campers in the western National Parks come tourist season.

Look out, all you hikers out there, Sergeant Grizz is going commando. Give him all your food or else he’d nail you with his AK-47.

37. Nights of the Living Hell by Deborah Barton

Now that kind of looks like the covered bridge near where I live. And I don't remember it having fangs and red eyes, which are obviously drawn for the cover.

Now that kind of looks like the covered bridge near where I live. And I don’t remember it having fangs and red eyes, which are obviously drawn for the cover.

Seems like this Covered Bridge of Death is hungry for cars and pedestrians.

38.The Nuclear War Fun Book

Includes ideas for games like Mark the Mutant, Connect the Craters, Radioactive Tag, and Body Count. Has a History Mystery Quiz and Paper Doll Nuclear Wardrobe. Also includes tips for a fallout shelter library and pharmacy. Yes, this is the book for your kids to do while their whole world is incinerated by a nuclear apocalypse.

Includes ideas for games like Mark the Mutant, Connect the Craters, Radioactive Tag, and Body Count. Has a History Mystery Quiz and Paper Doll Nuclear Wardrobe. Also includes tips for a fallout shelter library and pharmacy. Yes, this is the book for your kids to do while their whole world is incinerated by a nuclear apocalypse.

In case your kids get bored during the upcoming nuclear holocaust, this is the educational activity book for them.

39. Tales of Chinatown by Sax Rohmer

This is mad King Ludwig II's fairytale Neuschwanstein Castle in Southwest Bavaria, Germany. There is absolutely nothing Chinese about this very European structure. So putting a cover on a book about Chinatown absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.

This is mad King Ludwig II’s fairytale Neuschwanstein Castle in Southwest Bavaria, Germany. There is absolutely nothing Chinese about this very European structure. So putting a cover on a book about Chinatown absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.

Hey, that doesn’t look anything like Chinese architecture. Seems like Rohmer’s Yellow Peril stereotypes based on wild misinformation.

40. Gladiator At-Law by Frederick Pohl and C. M. Kornbluth

And here is the guy on the computer with his shirt ripped who can't watch. But from how I see it, it seems way lamer than The Hunger Games.

And here is the guy on the computer with his shirt ripped who can’t watch. But from how I see it, it seems way lamer than The Hunger Games.

Nothing says science fiction like scantily clad guys fighting each other to the death with lightsabers.

41. How to Land a Top Paying Pierogie Maker’s Job by Ashley McFadden

Now if it wasn't for the title, I would've saw it as a book on how to get a job. Seriously, it just looks so generic, it could be about anything. At least a pierogie picture would've made sense.

Now if it wasn’t for the title, I would’ve saw it as a book on how to get a job. Seriously, it just looks so generic, it could be about anything. At least a pierogie picture would’ve made sense.

Now if you have a book about being a pierogie maker, shouldn’t there be a pierogie on the cover? Just saying.

42. Black Redneck vs. Space Zombies by Steven Roy

"Say hello, to my lady Sweet Lorraine, you motherfuckers." Black redneck cowboy firing his pistol at space zombies. Now I've seen everything.

“Say hello, to my lady Sweet Lorraine, you motherfuckers.” Black redneck cowboy firing his pistol at space zombies. Now I’ve seen everything.

Now it seems only D’Angelo “Tex” Wallace can only save the day from the savage zombie apocalypse from outer space.

43. Rodent Mutation by Bron Lee

Man, didn't these people know that beavers are actually vegetarians, not man eating monsters. Still, other than its size, the giant beavers don't seem that scary at all. I mean what's the worst they could do? Build a dam?

Man, didn’t these people know that beavers are actually vegetarians, not man eating monsters. Still, other than its size, the giant beavers don’t seem that scary at all. I mean what’s the worst they could do? Build a dam?

Ahh! There are giant beavers in the woods! Run for your lives!

44. To Your Scattered Bodies Go by Philip Jose Farmer

Now I don't know what's creepier about the cover: the naked man with the strategically placed award sticker or the guy on the floating platform with the top hat and cane.

Now I don’t know what’s creepier about the cover: the naked man with the strategically placed award sticker or the guy on the floating platform with the top hat and cane.

Now that’s a strategically placed award sticker. Right on his crotch.

45. Han Solo’s Revenge by Brian Daley

Han Solo may always shoot first. But it appears that Chewie might be out for blood by the expression his face and how he's holding his gun.

Han Solo may always shoot first. But it appears that Chewie might be out for blood by the expression his face and how he’s holding his gun.

More like Chewbacca’s Revenge to me.

46. Stress Pattern by Neal Barrett Jr.

From the description, it's said the phallic thing is actually called a "worm way" which is a subway in this book's bizarre universe. Also, seems one the humans is wearing a tin hat to keep safe from the aliens.

From the description, it’s said the phallic thing is actually called a “worm way” which is a subway in this book’s bizarre universe. Also, seems one the humans is wearing a tin hat to keep safe from the aliens.

Wonder if that stress pattern is a sci-fi novel about erectile dysfunction.

47. The M. D. She Had to Marry by Christine Rimmer

Seems like nothing says romance than having to marry a sexy doctor in a shotgun wedding after he knocked you up after a one night stand. Of course, it's a fantasy.

Seems like nothing says romance than having to marry a sexy doctor in a shotgun wedding after he knocked you up after a one night stand. Of course, it’s a fantasy.

The baby with the engagement ring is a clear strangulation hazard.

48. Timepivot by Brian N. Ball

Art must've been inspired by Dali, Magritte, or brown acid. Seems like the Galactic Federation has some explaining to do.

Art must’ve been inspired by Dali, Magritte, or brown acid. Seems like the Galactic Federation has some explaining to do.

Seems like this beach beauty is all ear and nose. Also, what’s with the floating eyeball?

49. Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe

Okay, seems like these two may be on a deserted island. But I don't see how this nude rape scene has anything to do with being stranded on a deserted island that doesn't seem to have any women around.

Okay, seems like these two may be on a deserted island. But I don’t see how this nude rape scene has anything to do with being stranded on a deserted island that doesn’t seem to have any women around.

I haven’t read the book but I’m sure that there aren’t any white women in this book, let alone rape.

50. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

Sorry, all you raging hormonal adolescent boys out there, but this isn't a book about a courageous nude saving a bunch of bodacious babes from Martian cities.

Sorry, all you raging hormonal adolescent boys out there, but this isn’t a book about a courageous nude saving a bunch of bodacious babes from Martian cities.

Now this is a book pertaining to an alleged utopian society where people’s social roles are determined while they’re test tube babies. But you wouldn’t know it by the cover.

51. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Then again, Frankenstein's Monster on this cover seems to have an emo thing going on. Maybe he should stop worrying about trying to win Victor's love and join a hair metal band.

Then again, Frankenstein’s Monster on this cover seems to have an emo thing going on. Maybe he should stop worrying about trying to win Victor’s love and join a hair metal band.

It’s one thing to be a hideous monster revived by dead tissue and electricity. But how did Frankenstein’s monster manage to find a hair stylist who would take him?

52. Where’s the Poop? by Julie Markes and illustrated by Kathleen Susan Hartung

Then again, children do poop so there's no excuse not to write a children's book about it. Of course, we all know that the animals see no need of indoor plumbing and flush toilets.

Then again, children do poop so there’s no excuse not to write a children’s book about it. Of course, we all know that the animals see no need of indoor plumbing and flush toilets.

Now we all can guess that, at least when it comes to people.

53. West of January by Dave Duncan

Now I know that Orcas are among the Oceans' top predators, they're also seen as adorable animals which makes this cover hard to take seriously.

Now I know that Orcas are among the Oceans’ top predators, they’re also seen as adorable animals which makes this cover hard to take seriously.

Some near nude guys surf on tigers, others on killer whales.

54. The Far Arena by Richard Ben Sapir

Now I'm sure the naked gladiator is totally shitting himself right as he sees the large mysterious flying object in the sky that resembles no bird he's ever seen.

Now I’m sure the naked gladiator is totally shitting himself right as he sees the large mysterious flying object in the sky that resembles no bird he’s ever seen.

Can anyone tell me why there’s a large jet aircraft flying over ancient Rome?

55. Strip Mauled edited by Esther Friesner

I'm sure Mr. Werewolf and Ms. Vampire wouldn't act so polite while at tea. Also, I wonder why the vampire lady is dressed like she has a second job at the ye Olde Transylvania strip club.

I’m sure Mr. Werewolf and Ms. Vampire wouldn’t act so polite while at tea. Also, I wonder why the vampire lady is dressed like she has a second job at the ye Olde Transylvania strip club.

Who figured that on a night like this all your fantasy horror creatures would have a midnight tea social?

56. Slave Ship by Frederik Pohl

Of course, I'm not sure why an orangutan and a seal are in the picture either. Still, seems like this guy is listening to his CD while giving the animals directions. Hardly a situation in humans in chattel.

Of course, I’m not sure why an orangutan and a seal are in the picture either. Still, seems like this guy is listening to his CD while giving the animals directions. Hardly a situation in humans in chattel.

Well, being on a slave ship doesn’t seem that bad if there’s a puppy involved.

57. The Gay Old Boys of Yale! A Book of Wit and Humor: Showing the Scrapes and Escapes of College Life (1869) by John Denison Vose

Even funnier is that it was published by Kissinger Legacy Reprints. Then again, Henry Kissinger was a Harvard man so why his name be on the cover of a Yale book is anyone's guess.

Guess the only gay action in this book involves rich guys randomly hooking up with each other after a boozy fest at their frats. I’m sure 1869 would have no shortage of that. Then again, the title is still pretty funny.

Too bad this volume of the Gay Old Boys of Yale doesn’t include Cole Porter who often pops into my mind when I hear about LGBT Yale alumni.

58. The Pocket Book of Boners: An Omnibus of School Boy Howlers and Unconscious Humor illustrated by Dr. Seuss

Of course, when this title referred to "boners" I'm sure they didn't mean "erections" but I'm sure no adolescent school boy wouldn't want to have one during class.

Of course, when this title referred to “boners” I’m sure they didn’t mean “erections” but I’m sure no adolescent school boy wouldn’t want to have one during class.

“Boners,” “unconscious humor” I wonder what dirty stuff that would entail?

59. Images You Should Not Masturbate To

Still, I don't know why anyone would jerk off to a naked old guy wielding an ax on the water. I don't see how such an image can turn anyone on in any way.

Still, I don’t know why anyone would jerk off to a naked old guy wielding an ax on the water. I don’t see how such an image can turn anyone on in any way.

Yes, that would be an image nobody should masturbate to. I think we can all agree on that.

60. Make Your Own Sex Toys

However, if you chose to make a wooden dildo, remember that there's a chance for splinters if you don't varnish them. Seriously, I'd hate to see the stuff they make in this one.

However, if you chose to make a wooden dildo, remember that there’s a chance for splinters if you don’t varnish them. Seriously, I’d hate to see the stuff they make in this one.

Because why go and buy expensive sex toys at the naughty shop when you can make your own?

College Mascots: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (Second Edition)

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Of course, another big event around this time of year other than Easter and Saint Patrick’s day is March Madness. Namely this is the time of year when the best NCAA Division I basketball teams across the United States play in the NCAA Tournament. Meanwhile fans across the nation complete their brackets and predict which team will win. Of course, owing that women’s sports don’t get much airtime (rampant sexism that even Title IX can’t remedy), March Madness usually revolves around the men’s teams. However, we’re also flooded by news reports on how college sports are such a big cash cow which profit the colleges and coaches while the players receive absolutely no compensation as pawns since they’re student athletes. Nevertheless, I used this occasion to challenge myself to find 75 more abhorrent college mascots across the land after my last college mascot post. Though it took longer, I was successful in my endeavors. So without further adieu, here are more college mascots you that make your super lame mascot seem awesome. Note that not all mascots presented here are currently competing in the NCAA tournament, especially those featured in my previous mascot post in August. Hell, some aren’t even Division I do begin with. Also, go VCU Rams since my sister attends there.

1. Sparty – Michigan State University Spartans

Though more accurate Spartan warrior costume than those speedo clad guys from 300, he nevertheless gives the kind of vibe of, “I’m going to conquer your land and your people.”

Though more accurate Spartan warrior costume than those speedo clad guys from 300, he nevertheless gives the kind of vibe of, “I’m going to conquer your land and your people.”

2. George Washington – George Washington University Colonials

Possibly one of the worst renditions of the first US president I've ever seen. Kind of borders between defamatory and terrifying at the same time. Seriously, I'm sure no British soldier can shit as fast than in the sight of this monstrosity.

Possibly one of the worst renditions of the first US president I’ve ever seen. Kind of borders between defamatory and terrifying at the same time. Seriously, I’m sure no British soldier can shit as fast than in the sight of this monstrosity.

3. Big Jay – Kansas University Jayhawks

Look, I know that a Jayhawk is a made up bird solely to use as a school mascot. However, from what I see, this neither resembles a Blue Jay or a hawk of any kind. Rather it reminds me of a chicken.

Look, I know that a Jayhawk is a made up bird solely to use as a school mascot. However, from what I see, this neither resembles a Blue Jay or a hawk of any kind. Rather it reminds me of a chicken.

4. Boxer – Pacific University Boxers

Now how in the hell does this look like a boxer? Seriously, it more or less resembles a terrifying rusty gargoyle than any breed of dog. Either that, or an alien from outer space.

Now how in the hell does this look like a boxer? Seriously, it more or less resembles a terrifying rusty gargoyle than any breed of dog. Either that, or an alien from outer space.

5. Thunder – Wheaton College Mastodons

Now Wheaton College has the mastodon as its mascot mainly because they house a whole mastodon skeleton on the campus. However, Thunder's appearance makes him more suitable for a children's book than as a college mascot.

Now Wheaton College has the mastodon as its mascot mainly because some of its faculty had excavated a mastodon skeleton on a judge’s property, which is now on display at the campus. However, Thunder’s appearance makes him more suitable for a children’s book than as a college sports mascot. In short, he doesn’t live up to his name.

6. The Gull – Endicott College Gulls

Now I don't know about you but I think this Jonathan Livingston Seagull here seems to have murder on the mind from what I can tell from his face. That or he just doesn't care for photo ops for some reason.

Now I don’t know about you but I think this Jonathan Livingston Seagull here seems to have murder on the mind from what I can tell from his face. That or he just doesn’t care for photo ops for some reason.

7. Gnome Ranger – San Antonio College

Okay, this is just crazy? I mean this school's mascot is basically a garden ornament decked with western lawman garb and a red sombrero. What's even crazier is that SAC is a community college which doesn't even have an athletic program. Seriously, I checked the site no sign of extracurricular activities on there, let alone sports.

Okay, this is just crazy? I mean this school’s mascot is basically a garden ornament decked with western lawman garb and a red sombrero. What’s even crazier is that SAC is a community college which doesn’t even have an athletic program. Seriously, I checked the site no sign of extracurricular activities on there, let alone sports.

8. Shuckie and Pearl – St. Mary’s University, Texas Rattlers

To be fair, St. Mary's Texas usual mascot is Rattleman which is a blue snake with his tongue sticking out. Shuckie and Pearl are just mascots for a campus event called the Oyster Bake. Nevertheless, as to why these exist, why one is upside down while the other wears a sombrero, and why a Texas college has an event like this at all, I don't have the slightest idea.

To be fair, St. Mary’s Texas usual mascot is Rattleman which is a blue snake with his tongue sticking out. Shuckie and Pearl are just mascots for a campus event called the Oyster Bake. Nevertheless, as to why these exist, why one is upside down while the other wears a sombrero, and why a Texas college has an event like this at all, I don’t have the slightest idea.

9. Willie the Wildcat – Kansas State University Wildcats

Seems as if when it came time to design the costume, someone must've said, "How about let's save money for a full costume and just have it consist of just a scary wildcat head with a jersey instead? It'll save the college a lot of money and time in the long run." Nevertheless, I find a ferocious cat head on a person's body rather terrifying if you ask me.

Seems as if when it came time to design the costume, someone must’ve said, “How about let’s save money for a full costume and just have it consist of just a scary wildcat head with a jersey instead? It’ll save the college a lot of money and time in the long run.” Nevertheless, I find a ferocious cat head on a person’s body rather terrifying if you ask me.

10. Will D. Cat – Villanova University Wildcats

Make no mistake, this cat really makes me uncomfortable just looking at it. Must be the eyes or the intensity. Still, he seems like he's about to go into a homicidal rage at any moment.

Make no mistake, this cat really makes me uncomfortable just looking at it. Must be the eyes or the intensity. Still, he seems like he’s about to go into a homicidal rage at any moment.

11. Herbie Husker – University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cornhuskers

Okay, looking at him, you'd think he'd be the kind of western farmer type who'd probably run over you in a John Deere  or Ford pickup accident after leaving this bar. And he will show no remorse whatsoever. Now he's asking for another round of drinks.

Okay, looking at him, you’d think he’d be the kind of western farmer type who’d probably run over you in a John Deere or Ford pickup accident after leaving this bar. And he will show no remorse whatsoever. Now he’s asking for another round of drinks.

12. Rip Tide – Tulane University Green Wave

Now the pelican mascot is understandable with Tulane being in Louisiana. However, the green feathers and the crazy smile are kind of disconcerting. Also, when it came to naming it most of the college students wanted it to be, "Pecker" but it was named "Riptide" for obvious reasons.

Now the pelican mascot is understandable with Tulane being in Louisiana. However, the green feathers and the crazy smile are kind of disconcerting. Seems like he’s been to too many Mardis Gras parties in New Orleans. Also, when it came to naming it most of the college students wanted it to be, “Pecker” but it was named “Riptide” for obvious reasons.

13. Alex – Hamilton College Continentals

Looking at this creepy caricature of Alexander Hamilton, it almost makes Aaron Burr shooting him almost justifiable homicide. Man, I can't even imagine what he intends to do with that girl.

Looking at this creepy caricature of Alexander Hamilton, it almost makes Aaron Burr shooting him almost justifiable homicide. Man, I can’t even imagine what he intends to do with that girl.

14. The Explorer – La Salle University Explorers

Now there was an actual La Salle who explored and claimed the Lousiana Territory for France. This guy seems what George Armstrong Custer would look like if he dyed his hair black prior to the Battle of Little Bighorn.

Now there was an actual La Salle who explored and claimed the Lousiana Territory for France. This guy seems what George Armstrong Custer would look like if he dyed his hair black prior to the Battle of Little Bighorn.

15. Ichabod – Wasburn University Ichabods

When I hear the name "Ichabod," I don't think a badass sports time despite that Washburn's was founded by a guy with that name. Nevertheless, I expect this Ichabod would basically scare the bejesus out of the Headless Horseman on any day of the week.

When I hear the name “Ichabod,” I don’t think a badass sports time despite that Washburn’s was founded by a guy with that name. Nevertheless, I expect this Ichabod would basically scare the bejesus out of the Headless Horseman on any day of the week.

16. Bearcat – University of Cincinnati Bearcats

Now my college mascot was a bearcat but basically looked like a cougar. However, this is actually supposed to resemble a bearcat which is an animal from Southeast Asia that is neither bear nor cat. Not to mention, isn't even intimidating. Seriously, Cinci should just pick something that lives in Ohio as their mascot like a coyote.

Now my college mascot was a bearcat but basically looked like a cougar. However, this is actually supposed to resemble a bearcat which is an animal from Southeast Asia that is neither bear nor cat. Not to mention, isn’t even intimidating. Seriously, Cinci should just pick something that lives in Ohio as their mascot like a coyote.

17. John Harvard – Harvard University Crimson

So this gives me an impression that John Harvard was present at the first Thanksgiving, died of some 17th century plague or was executed for witchcraft, and rose out of his grave as a zombie. Still, you'd think a prestigious rich kid school like Harvard would have a better mascot than this.

So this gives me an impression that John Harvard was present at the first Thanksgiving, died of some 17th century plague or was executed for witchcraft, and rose out of his grave as a zombie. Still, you’d think a prestigious rich kid school like Harvard would have a better mascot than this.

18. Screamer – York College of Pennsylvania Spartans

I have to admit, Screamer does live up to his name since he seems like some sort of crazed muppet psychokiller you'd find on Sesame Street. Seriously, he seems like he's just broke out of the Sesame Street ABC mental hospital and is out to kill again.

I have to admit, Screamer does live up to his name since he seems like some sort of crazed muppet psychokiller you’d find on Sesame Street. Seriously, he seems like he’s just broke out of the Sesame Street ABC Mental Hospital for the Criminally Insane and is out to kill again.

19. Kingsman and Regal – California Lutheran University Kingsmen and Regals

Little did you know that the CLU outfits for Kingsman and Regal were originally designed for a French duo named Daft Punk. However, they thought these outfits were totally stupid. Either that, or they're probably aliens from outer space.

Little did you know that the CLU outfits for Kingsman and Regal were originally designed for a French duo named Daft Punk. However, they thought these outfits were totally stupid. Either that, or they’re probably aliens from outer space.

20. Smokey – University of Tennessee Volunteers

To be fair, Tennessee actually has a live mascot called Smokey IX of the same dog breed. However, this mascot seems less likely to rip your arm off than inspiring people to hug him.

To be fair, Tennessee actually has a live mascot called Smokey IX of the same dog breed. However, this mascot seems less likely to rip your arm off than inspiring people to hug him.

21. Bobby the Beacon – University of Massachusetts Boston Beacons

Okay, now I have 2 gripes about this one. For one, I have no idea why anyone would want their mascot to be a freaking inanimate building, lighthouse or not. Second, there's something not right about his smile. Seriously, why does this guy even exist?

Okay, now I have 2 gripes about this one. For one, I have no idea why anyone would want their mascot to be a freaking inanimate building, lighthouse or not. Second, there’s something not right about his smile. Seriously, why does this guy even exist?

22. The Green Terror – McDaniel College Green Terror

Well, he's certainly a green terror. I mean he's just as scary as hell as if from a 1950s horror movie or the Donnie Darko bunny's not so scary younger brother. Also, after this photo was taking, Angela was never seen again.

Well, he’s certainly a green terror. I mean he’s just as scary as hell as if from a 1950s horror movie or the Donnie Darko bunny’s not so scary younger brother. Also, after this photo was taking, Angela was never seen again.

23. Lord Jeff – Amherst College Lord Jeffs

This British Lord mascot creepy is beyond belief. But we have to accept that despite him being know as an Brit aristocrat and French and Indian War veteran, the real Jeffery Amherst is alleged to give blankets infected with smallpox to the Indians. Make that what you will.

This British Lord mascot creepy is beyond belief. But we have to accept that despite him being know as an Brit aristocrat and French and Indian War veteran, the real Jeffery Amherst is alleged to give blankets infected with smallpox to the Indians. Make that what you will.

24. Gompei the Goat – Worcester Polytechnic Institute Engineers

Now while some goats tend to chew on tin cans and vegetation, Gompei the Goat desires none other than the taste of human flesh since he's been infected by some mad goat disease.

Now while some goats tend to chew on tin cans and vegetation, Gompei the Goat desires none other than the taste of human flesh since he’s been infected by some mad goat disease.

25. Sammy the Owl – Rice University Owls

If this guy was in the Tootsie Pop commercials, I bed he'd devour the kid after he bites into the Tootsie Roll encrusted lollipop. Seriously, he just terrifies me if you look in his eyes.

If this guy was in the Tootsie Pop commercials, I bed he’d devour the kid after he bites into the Tootsie Roll encrusted lollipop. Seriously, he just terrifies me if you look in his eyes.

26. Albert and Alberta Gator – Florida University Gators

By the look at these, they seem like a couple of wimps who should've devoured Tim Tebow when they had the chance. Seriously, they may appear lame but they're freaking gators for God's sake.

By the look at these, they seem like a couple of wimps who should’ve devoured Tim Tebow when they had the chance. Seriously, they may appear lame but they’re freaking gators for God’s sake.

27. Andy the Ant – Missouri State University Bears

Basically he's the mascot of the college's Student Activities Council. Still, he looks more like Skeeter and Scooter's burned out brother with antennas than anything.

Basically he’s the mascot of the college’s Student Activities Council. Still, he looks more like Skeeter and Scooter’s burned out brother with antennas than anything.

28. Nick L. Mole –  California State University, Fresno Bulldogs

To be fair, Nick Mole is actually the mascot of the school's chemistry club but he does show to athletic events. He was developed to be more kid friendly. However, why the Fresno chemistry club thought they needed a mascot, I'll never know.

To be fair, Nick Mole is actually the mascot of the school’s chemistry club but he does show to athletic events. He was developed to be more kid friendly. However, why the Fresno chemistry club thought they needed a mascot, I’ll never know.

29. Kaboom – Bradley University Braves

Said to be the scariest college mascot in the country by many since he had to replace the horrid Native American mascot the college once had. However, I've seen scarier gargoyles in Disney cartoons. Besides, I don't know what the association is between gargoyles and explosives.

Said to be the scariest college mascot in the country by many since he had to replace the horrid Native American mascot the college once had. However, I’ve seen scarier gargoyles in Disney cartoons. Besides, I don’t know what the association is between gargoyles and explosives.

30. Builderman – Newport News Apprentice School Builders

Now Builderman may not come from a "college" per se but The Apprentice School is a post-secondary institution nonetheless. However, I'd hate to see him on the bleachers with the kiddies. But why a vocational school should have a mascot, I have no idea.

Now Builderman may not come from a “college” per se but The Apprentice School is a post-secondary institution nonetheless. However, I’d hate to see him on the bleachers with the kiddies. But why a vocational school should have a mascot, I have no idea.

31. Butch T. Cougar – Washington State University Cougars

While I can agree he's a cougar, I'm not sure if I'd call him butch. Seriously, he seems like he has issues with his masculinity or something. Also, quite dopey and not very intimidating.

While I can agree he’s a cougar, I’m not sure if I’d call him butch. Seriously, he seems like he has issues with his masculinity or something. Also, quite dopey and not very intimidating.

32. The Tiger – Clemson University Tigers

Seems like Clemson doesn't administer drug tests for their mascot candidates. I mean the Tiger certainly has eyes of someone who's totally high on brown acid or crystal meth.

Seems like Clemson doesn’t administer drug tests for their mascot candidates. I mean the Tiger certainly has eyes of someone who’s totally high on brown acid or crystal meth.

33. Big Al – Alabama University Crimson Tide

Now the Crimson Tide is actually a nice team nickname for a college, especially one like Alabama. However, why the school thought they needed a dopey elephant as their mascot, I have no idea. Seriously, elephants aren't crimson and don't even live in Alabama. And this guy seems more appropriate for a children's book.

Now the Crimson Tide is actually a nice team nickname for a college, especially one like Alabama. However, why the school thought they needed a dopey elephant as their mascot, I have no idea. Seriously, elephants aren’t crimson and don’t even live in Alabama. And this guy seems more appropriate for a children’s book.

34. Cosmo the Cougar – Brigham Young University Cougars

Of course, if I was a parent, I'd certainly not want this mascot near my kids. Reminds me of some depraved freak you might see at some furry convention, possibly on some Sex Offender List of some sort.

Of course, if I was a parent, I’d certainly not want this mascot near my kids. Reminds me of some depraved freak you might see at some furry convention, possibly on some Sex Offender List of some sort.

35. King Triton – University of California San Diego Tritons

Not to be confused with Ariel's dad from The Little Mermaid who's also King Triton. However, why this guy has white hair but washboard abs, I have no idea. Also, seems kind of skeevy by the looks of him.

Not to be confused with Ariel’s dad from The Little Mermaid who’s also King Triton. However, why this guy has white hair but washboard abs, I have no idea. Also, seems kind of skeevy by the looks of him.

36. Big Red – Dension University Big Red

Sure he's a buzzard but he doesn't seem at all intimidating as the possible Native American mascot he replaced. But he loves to lounge around. Also, he seems to resemble a crane than a buzzard or an alien from outer space.

Sure he’s a buzzard but he doesn’t seem at all intimidating as the possible Native American mascot he replaced. But he loves to lounge around. Also, he seems to resemble a crane than a buzzard or an alien from outer space.

37. Denver Boone – University of Denver Pioneers

Now Boone was the official mascot for DU until he was forced to retire in 1998 over concerns that he represented the Western extinction of Native American culture. He now serves in an unofficial capacity. Still, controversial or not, I wouldn't want to go anywhere near him.

Now Boone was the official mascot for DU until he was forced to retire in 1998 over concerns that he represented the Western extinction of Native American culture. He now serves in an unofficial capacity. Still, controversial or not, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near him.

38. Gus the Gorilla – Pittsburg State University Gorillas

Now despite the name, this is a Kansas school. However, a mascot that has a guy in a gorilla suit may be intimidating but is very hard to take seriously. Doesn't seem too happy in this picture and his shirt is too small.

Now despite the name, this is a Kansas school. However, a mascot that has a guy in a gorilla suit may be intimidating but is very hard to take seriously. Doesn’t seem too happy in this picture and his shirt is too small.

39. The Duke – Duquesne University Dukes

Now Duquesne was named after a French Marquis who died during the French and Indian War. Still, seems like he's a creepy yet entitled rich guy who thinks asking for welfare is a sin. Sorry, Mom, buy your alma mater mascot sucks.

Now Duquesne was named after a French Marquis who died during the French and Indian War. Still, seems like he’s a creepy yet entitled rich guy who thinks asking for welfare is a sin. Sorry, Mom, buy your alma mater mascot sucks.

40. Sammy Bearkat – Sam Houston State University Bearkats

Sammy had always aspired to be the mascot of Doritos since he had the orange fur nailed flat. But after being rejected by Frito Lay for drug use, decided to be a mascot for SHSU instead.

Sammy had always aspired to be the mascot of Doritos since he had the orange fur nailed flat. But after being rejected by Frito Lay for drug use, decided to be a mascot for SHSU instead.

41. Phlash the Phoenix – University of Wisconsin Green Bay Phoenix

It seems that Phlash the Phoenix obtained his green color after perishing and being reborn after a severe nuclear accident. Still, when it comes to phoenixes, Phlash is kind of on the wuss side, big time.

It seems that Phlash the Phoenix obtained his green color after perishing and being reborn after a severe nuclear accident. Still, when it comes to phoenixes, Phlash is kind of on the wuss side, big time.

42. Ben and John – Franklin & Marshall College Diplomats

These two remind me less of Benjamin Franklin and John Marshall and more like a younger but creepier Colonial American Statler and Waldorf. Their eyes reveal they are dead inside and hungry for your soul.

These two remind me less of Benjamin Franklin and John Marshall and more like a younger but creepier Colonial American Statler and Waldorf. Their eyes reveal they are dead inside and hungry for your soul.

43. Camel – Connecticut College Camels

Now a camel mascot is lame enough. But this one seems to have a Loch Ness elongated neck really makes it seem like a terrifying monster. Also the green balloons don't help his case.

Now a camel mascot is lame enough. But this one seems to have a Loch Ness elongated neck really makes it seem like a terrifying monster. Also the green balloons don’t help his case.

44. The Griffin – College of William and Mary Tribe

Fantasy creature hybrid of an eagle and a lion which doesn't make any sense as well as seems like the kind of mascot a college had to adopt after their Indian mascot was deemed offensive.

Fantasy creature hybrid of an eagle and a lion which doesn’t make any sense as well as seems like the kind of mascot a college had to adopt after their Indian mascot was deemed offensive. Seriously, William and Mary’s sports team is the Tribe whereas the Griffin is a Middle Eastern mythological creature. A hawk would’ve been a better choice.

45. General Herkimer – Herkimer County Community College

Sure he was named after a Revolutionary War general but there's just something disturbing about him for some reason, perhaps of the used car salesman variety. I just can't name it off the top of my head.

Sure he was named after a Revolutionary War general but there’s just something disturbing about him for some reason, perhaps of the used car salesman variety. I just can’t name it off the top of my head.

46. Herky the Hawk – University of Iowa Hawkeyes

Now Herky is a fine menacing hawk as a mascot. However, I think the helmet is just a bit too much so to speak. I don't know.

Now Herky is a fine menacing hawk as a mascot. However, I think the helmet is just a bit too much so to speak and the heat looks so unnatural. I don’t know.

47. Aubie the Tiger – Auburn University Tigers

Now I know that tigers are supposed to be pierce. But this one seems bound to lose to Tigger in a fight despite the latter is a character in a Disney cartoon. Also, refuses to appear on ESPN probably because he doesn't want anyone to make fun of him.

Now I know that tigers are supposed to be pierce. But this one seems bound to lose to Tigger in a fight despite the latter is a character in a Disney cartoon. Also, refuses to appear on ESPN probably because he doesn’t want anyone to make fun of him.

48. Killian – Iona College Gaels

If he was a mascot for Notre Dame, he would've been perfect. However, as a mascot for Iona College, he seems like a burly man of Gaelic-Irish descent who's about to rob us blind. Really bad Irish stereotyping on the school's part.

If he was a mascot for Notre Dame, he would’ve been perfect. However, as a mascot for Iona College, he seems like a burly man of Gaelic-Irish descent who’s about to rob us blind. Really bad Irish stereotyping on the school’s part.

49. Joe Vandal – University of Idaho Vandals

Probably has a tendency to be mistaken for a Viking despite the helmet design that states that, "All Germanic Dark Ages invaders are all alike." Also, would you trust a guy named "Joe Vandal" with your things? No.

Probably has a tendency to be mistaken for a Viking despite the helmet design that states that, “All Germanic Dark Ages invaders are all alike.” Also, would you trust a guy named “Joe Vandal” with your things? No.

50. Kangaroo – Austin College Kangaroos

For one, kangaroos live in Australia and don't frequent Austin City Limits. Second, this one seems like a freaky dope on acid or something. I mean it just seems like something's not right. Third, it has a pouch but I'm not sure if it's male or female because so many guy kangaroos have been depicted with them.

For one, kangaroos live in Australia and don’t frequent Austin City Limits. Second, this one seems like a freaky dope on acid or something. I mean it just seems like something’s not right. Third, it has a pouch but I’m not sure if it’s male or female because so many guy kangaroos have been depicted with them.

51. Lance Lute – Pacific Lutheran University Lutes

Now this knight in shining armor makes a perfectly fine mascot. However, I have to complain to the college on what the hell kind of name is Lance Lute? Seriously, why?

Now this knight in shining armor makes a perfectly fine mascot. However, I have to complain to the college on what the hell kind of name is Lance Lute? It’s a stupid name. Seriously, why?

52. Lobo Louie and Lucy – University of New Mexico Lobos

I don't know what these two coyotes are on but they seem to be regular customers of some genius chemistry teacher from Albuquerque. They particularly loved his blue variety and have a preference for Los Pollos Hermanos chicken.

I don’t know what these two coyotes are on but they seem to be regular customers of some genius chemistry teacher from Albuquerque. They particularly loved his blue variety and have a preference for Los Pollos Hermanos chicken.

53. Privateer Pete – State University of New York Maritime Privateers

"Hello, I'm an upper class twit who likes to rob stuff from cargo ships and sell them on the shore. Look at my awesome suit and cravat, bitches."

“Hello, I’m an upper class twit who likes to rob stuff from cargo ships and sell them on the shore. Look at my awesome suit and cravat, bitches. Also, despite how fresh water is precious, I always shave.”

54. Chief Osceola – Florida State University Seminoles

Now I know that Florida State has permission from the tribe to use the name. But even so, this Native American mascot is bound to offend some people, especially if he's played by a white guy.

Now I know that Florida State has permission from the tribe to use the name. But even so, this Native American mascot is bound to offend some people, especially if he’s played by a white guy.

55. The Wombat – University of Wisconsin-Sheboygan Wombats

I guess the reason why UWS has the Wombat mascot is that nobody else had one. However, wombats are Australian marsupials who aren't known for being badass. Also, that doesn't even look like a wombat.

I guess the reason why UWS has the Wombat mascot is that nobody else had one. However, wombats are Australian marsupials who aren’t known for being badass. Also, that doesn’t even look like a wombat but something much creepier.

56. Lu Wolf – Loyola University of Chicago Wolfpack

"Just because I have a squeaky clean record doesn't mean I'm any less capable of robbing you or eating your babies. Because I am." Seems like this guy was thrown out of his pack for financially screwing over his family or some other heinous misdeed.

“Just because I have a squeaky clean record doesn’t mean I’m any less capable of robbing you or eating your babies. Because I am.” Seems like this guy was thrown out of his pack for financially screwing over his family or some other heinous misdeed.

57. The Patriot – George Mason University Patriots

I don't know about you but I don't think our Founding Fathers took to face painting during the American Revolution, save perhaps for The Boston Tea Party and certainly not in those colors. Also, quite terrifying.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think our Founding Fathers took to face painting during the American Revolution, save perhaps for The Boston Tea Party and certainly not in those colors. Also, quite terrifying.

58. Swoop – University of Utah Utes

I know he's supposed to replace the previous Native American mascot who was drummed out for various reasons. Still, I can't tell whether Swoop is supposed to be a hawk or a vulture. Either way, he'll sure love the taste of human flesh which has resulted in many disappearances at Ute games.

I know he’s supposed to replace the previous Native American mascot who was drummed out for various reasons. Still, I can’t tell whether Swoop is supposed to be a hawk or a vulture. Either way, he’ll sure love the taste of human flesh which has resulted in many disappearances at Ute games.

59. Milo the Lynx – University of Colorado Denver Lynx

Now this cat seems like he's woken up on the wrong side of the bed and is really not in the mood for a photo op at all. Also, after this photo, Alicia was found to be brutally mauled afterwards. The culprit has never been caught.

Now this cat seems like he’s woken up on the wrong side of the bed and is really not in the mood for a photo op at all. Also, after this photo, Alicia was found to be brutally mauled afterwards. The culprit has never been caught.

60. Aztec Warrior – San Diego State University Aztecs

Seems like San Diego is going with a Native American mascot known to offend Indians and Mexicans alike as well as was notorious for committing large numbers of human sacrifices consisting of captives in battle.

Seems like San Diego is going with a Native American mascot known to offend Indians and Mexicans alike as well as was notorious for committing large numbers of human sacrifices consisting of captives in battle. Controversial? I’ll say.

61. Polar Bear – Bowdoin College Polar Bears

Now this school has been known to produce alumni like Nathaniel Hawthorne, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Admiral Robert Peary, General Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, and Dr. Alfred Kinsey. However, its mascot is basically a polar bear which is from the North Pole and seems like it could appear in a children's book. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain would've made a better choice.

Now this school has been known to produce alumni like Nathaniel Hawthorne, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Admiral Robert Peary, General Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, and Dr. Alfred Kinsey. However, its mascot is basically a polar bear which is from the North Pole and seems like it could appear in a children’s book. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain would’ve made a better choice.

62. Oswald the Penguin – Clark College Penguins

Not only is this not an intimidating mascot and is quite freaky with a tie, it also shares a name with the Penguin from Batman who's also called Oswald. Seriously, I think the Penguin from Batman would've been a better mascot choice here.

Not only is this not an intimidating mascot and is quite freaky with a tie, it also shares a name with the Penguin from Batman who’s also called Oswald. Seriously, I think the Penguin from Batman would’ve been a better mascot choice here. Still, it’s said he’s supposed to be from the Galapagos but I don’t understand what the hell he’s doing in Vancouver Washington.

63. Powercat – University of the Pacific Tigers

Or as I call him, "Soulless Eyes Cat Willing to Devour You." Seriously, this tiger gives me the creeps as if he sees a coed as a potential meal or a virgin sacrifice.

Or as I call him, “Soulless Eyes Cat Willing to Devour You.” Seriously, this tiger gives me the creeps as if he sees a coed as a potential meal or a virgin sacrifice.

64. The Anchorman – Rhode Island College Anchormen

Somebody get Ron Burgundy right away so he can replace this creepy sailor who seems likely to go homicidal any minute now. Seriously, this guy is just terrifying.

Somebody get Ron Burgundy right away so he can replace this creepy sailor who seems likely to go homicidal any minute now. Seriously, this guy is just terrifying and will make babies scream.

65. Red Raider- Texas Tech University Red Raiders

Or as I call him, Yosemite Sam's estranged and less successful brother who has the exact same rage issues. But at least he likes wearing white and whipping out his pistols. But he's unhappy that he doesn't get to shoot anyone in the audience.

Or as I call him, Yosemite Sam’s estranged and less successful brother who has the exact same rage issues. But at least he likes wearing white and whipping out his pistols. But he’s unhappy that he doesn’t get to shoot anyone in the audience.

66. Rudy Flyer – University of Dayton Flyers

To be fair, this is an appropriate mascot since Dayton was the hometown of the Wright Brothers. However, the fact he keeps his goggles on gives me the impression he's a mad scientist in his spare time.

To be fair, this is an appropriate mascot since Dayton was the hometown of the Wright Brothers. However, the fact he keeps his goggles on gives me the impression he’s a mad scientist in his spare time.

67. Molly Ann – Southern Arkansas University Muleriders

Yes, the Muleriders do exist. However, mules are basically sterile hybrids of donkey dads and horse moms and I'm sure nobody would want to ride one. Also, I hope she's not weighing the mule down, if it is one.

Yes, the Muleriders do exist. However, mules are basically sterile hybrids of donkey dads and horse moms and I’m sure nobody would want to ride one. Also, I hope she’s not weighing the mule down, if it is one.

68. Scrappy the Mockingbird – University of Tennessee Chattanooga Mocs

Scrappy is supposed to be a mockingbird but he certainly doesn't look like one. In fact, he kind of reminds me of some sort of ugly buzzard or something. Then again, all bird mascots seem to resemble birds of prey these days, even those that are certainly not supposed to be.

Scrappy is supposed to be a mockingbird but he certainly doesn’t look like one. In fact, he kind of reminds me of some sort of ugly buzzard or something. Then again, all bird mascots seem to resemble birds of prey these days, even those that are certainly not supposed to be.

69. Temoc – University of Texas Dallas Comets

Even with flaming red hair and Cheshire cat grin, Temoc couldn't overcome his chronic lameness as a mascot since he looked too much of a reject from Sesame Street. Of course, he didn't get in due to his addiction to blue meth.

Even with flaming red hair and Cheshire cat grin, Temoc couldn’t overcome his chronic lameness as a mascot since he looked too much of a reject from Sesame Street. Of course, he didn’t get in due to his addiction to blue meth.

70. Pirate – Seton Hall Pirates

Now there's nothing wrong with a school having a pirate mascot. However, a pirate mascot with a blue and white painted face? What the fuck? Seriously, why? Looks like an angry smurf.

Now there’s nothing wrong with a school having a pirate mascot. However, a pirate mascot with a blue and white painted face? What the fuck? Seriously, why? Looks like an angry smurf.

71. Spirit the Seawolf – University of Alaska Anchorage Seawolves

Just because something looks good on a totem pole as indigenous art, doesn't mean it will make a good mascot. Sure he's supposed to be a seawolf but it seems like he seems to be an offspring of the Loch Ness Monster and a Mustang.

Just because something looks good on a totem pole as indigenous art, doesn’t mean it will make a good mascot. Sure he’s supposed to be a seawolf but it seems like he seems to be an offspring of the Loch Ness Monster and a Mustang.

72. Matty the Matador – California State University Northridge Matadors

I'm sure this guy isn't meant to offend Hispanics despite creepiness. However, I have to admit a school with a mascot of a profession known for committing acts of bovine cruelty is certainly not going to score brownie points with PETA.

I’m sure this guy isn’t meant to offend Hispanics despite creepiness. However, I have to admit a school with a mascot of a profession known for committing acts of bovine cruelty is certainly not going to score brownie points with PETA.

73. Vili the Warrior – University of Hawaii Manoa

Okay, now I'm sure Hawaii has a lot of Polynesians in the area. But I can't help that he seems to embody the offensive savage native sacrifice your white women persona as I see it. I'm not sure if he's still the school's mascot or not.

Okay, now I’m sure Hawaii has a lot of Polynesians in the area. But I can’t help that he seems to embody the offensive savage native sacrifice your white women persona as I see it. I’m not sure if he’s still the school’s mascot or not to be honest.

74. Hey Reb – University of Nevada Las Vegas Rebels

For one, having a Confederate mascot in Nevada makes absolutely no sense even if your team is named the rebels. Second, he looks as if he's Yosemite Sam's virulently racist old man when you look at the angry scowl and mustache. Third, is that blood on his hands?

For one, having a Confederate mascot in Nevada makes absolutely no sense even if your team is named the rebels. Second, he looks as if he’s Yosemite Sam’s virulently racist old man when you look at the angry scowl and mustache. Third, is that blood on his hands?

75. Terrier – Wofford College Terriers

Now I know that mascots are supposed to bring school spirit and cheer. But no matter how you look at him, this mascot seems quite grim and defunct of all positive energy even in photo ops. Really can use some anti-depressants if you know what I mean. That, or anger management.

Now I know that mascots are supposed to bring school spirit and cheer. But no matter how you look at him, this mascot seems quite grim and defunct of all positive energy even in photo ops. Really can use some anti-depressants if you know what I mean. That, or anger management.

Strange Easter Traditions Around the World

Easter-Cross-And-Lilies-Wallpaper

As with Christmas, Easter is celebrated around the world as well since it’s also a religious holiday. So while some countries celebrate Easter, others may not even among Christians who might consider it too pagan like the Quakers, Puritans, and Jehovah Witnesses. Now also like Christmas, no two countries celebrate Easter the same way possibly due to seasonal patterns, old traditions, and other factors. And sometimes with American eyes, many of these traditions may seem strange. Not to mention, Easter didn’t really become a mainstream secular holiday until recently but students don’t get as many days off. Nevertheless, here are some of the strange Easter traditions you may see from around the world.

1. Czech Republic and Slovakia

Women living in some parts of Eastern Europe should expect to get their asses whipped by the fellas this Easter since it's said that such actions make them healthy and beautiful. Yeah, I know what outsiders are thinking.

Women living in some parts of Eastern Europe should expect to get their asses whipped by the fellas this Easter since it’s said that such actions make them healthy and beautiful. Yeah, I know what outsiders are thinking.

If you’re a woman living in either of these countries, expect to be chased around by men hitting with handmade whips this Easter Monday. Of course, those who aren’t into BDSM shouldn’t be disappointed because they’re not intended to be painful. It’s also believed that whipping women on Easter is supposed to make them more healthy and beautiful.

2. Finland

Those visiting the Nordic countries might wonder whether the Scandinavians, Icelanders, and Finns have gotten their Easter mixed up with Halloween since they have bonfires as well as kids dressed as witches going door to door for candy. But no, it's just their tradition.

Those visiting the Nordic countries might wonder whether the Scandinavians, Icelanders, and Finns have gotten their Easter mixed up with Halloween since they have bonfires as well as kids dressed as witches going door to door for candy. But no, it’s just their tradition.

It’s a popular superstition in Finland that all Finnish witches fly down to Germany to party with the devil on Easter. This has given rise to the tradition of children dressing up as witches with broomsticks hanging around their necks and wander around door to door to ask for treats. They also lit bonfires to keep satanic forces away that supposedly roam around this day. So Easter in Finland is kind of like Halloween. In Sweden, little girls take part in this tradition on April 30th known as Walburgis night as well as in Denmark where the children give out willow branches in exchange for candy. Another Easter tradition in Finland is watching grass grow to signify the start of spring. Once mature, children would decorate it with painted eggs and paper bunnies.

3. Russia

While the US and Germany have chocolate bunnies, those in Russia have the the Easter lamb made from butter since it's believe Satan can't transform as one. But eating a butter lamb can leave to high cholesterol and cardiovascular disease.

While the US and Germany have chocolate bunnies, those in Russia have the the Easter lamb made from butter since it’s believe Satan can’t transform as one. But eating a butter lamb can leave to high cholesterol and cardiovascular disease.

Instead of chocolate bunnies, Russians usually dig into a large piece of butter that’s in the shape of a lamb. This tradition is based on the religious idea that lambs are lucky since they’re the only animals whose form Satan couldn’t take.

4. Papua New Guinea

In this tropical country, you will find trees outside churches decorated with sticks of tobacco and cigarettes in the days leading to Easter. After the Easter Sunday church services, smokes are handed out and everyone lights up.

5. France

Every Easter in Haux, the villagers gather all their eggs to put in a large frying pan in the square. The result is perhaps the world's largest omelet.

Every Easter in Haux, the villagers gather all their eggs to put in a large frying pan in the square. The result is perhaps the world’s largest omelet.

On Easter Monday, people in the town of Haux gather together taking all the eggs from their houses and bringing them to the town square. There, they put their eggs in a massive pan used to cook a giant omelet that could feed 1,000 people and contains over 4,500 eggs.

6. New Zealand

While the US has a furry, cute Easter Bunny bringing children eggs, in New Zealand it's rabbit season with the Great Bunny Hunt. Some 20,000 bunnies are killed a year in New Zealand on Easter. They probably should just stick to Orcs.

While the US has a furry, cute Easter Bunny bringing children eggs, in New Zealand it’s rabbit season with the Great Bunny Hunt. Some 20,000 bunnies are killed a year in New Zealand on Easter. They probably should just stick to Orcs.

While the US has the cute, furry, Easter Bunny, if there’s a place Peter Cottontail should avoid this Easter, New Zealand would be it. And it’s not because of Orcs. Because on Easter, New Zealanders go out to hunt rabbits with a prize of $NZ 3,500 to who kills the most bunnies. Every year as many 20,000 rabbits are killed in this country.

7. Poland

One Easter Sunday, men aren’t allowed to cook or even stand in the kitchen or else his mustache will go gray and the Easter bread dough will fail to rise. They also believe that swallowing a willow catkin from a branch consecrated by a priest would bring health.

As for processions on Good Friday, Polish miners don ceremonial uniforms and at the Wieliczka Salt Mine where they perform the Underground Way of the Holy Cross. They march to an underground salt monument of Pope John Paul II in the underground Kinga Chapel, a place he once visited.

8. Hungary

In other parts of Eastern Europe women in traditional garb should expect to be doused by water on their way to their Easter Sunday mass. Priests should expect wet pews in their churches.

In other parts of Eastern Europe women in traditional garb should expect to be doused by water on their way to their Easter Sunday mass. Priests should expect wet pews in their churches.

On Easter, women dress in traditional garb for Sunday Mass while men jump out and pour buckets of water at them as part of a “purifying ritual.”

9. Australia

Instead of an Easter Bunny, Australia has an Easter Bilby which is a native endangered marsupial that resembles a mouse. Also, they hate rabbits which they consider pests.

Instead of an Easter Bunny, Australia has an Easter Bilby which is a native endangered marsupial that resembles a mouse. Also, they hate rabbits which they consider pests.

While the US has the Easter Bunny, Australia has the Easter Bilby bringing the eggs. One of the reasons behind this change is to create awareness of the bilby which is an endangered species. Also, there’s a strong dislike for bunnies which are considered pests that destroy crops.

10. Colombia

For their Easter dinner, instead of eggs and chocolate, the Colombians dine on iguana, turtles, and big rodents.

11. Germany

Instead of hiding their colored eggs, the Germans hang their decorated eggs out in the open on trees for all to see. Seems like the Germans have to have trees for everything.

Instead of hiding their colored eggs, the Germans hang their decorated eggs out in the open on trees for all to see. Seems like the Germans have to have trees for everything.

While children in other countries look for hidden Easter eggs, the Germans display their Easter eggs are displayed on trees and prominently in the streets. Some will have thousands of multi colored eggs hanged on them. This might be that these symbolize new life and the resurrection. They also burn their Christmas trees on Easter Sunday and eat a lot of green foods and spinach on Holy Thursday.

Germany is also home to the Oberammergau Passion Play in the village that bears its name which is performed every 10 years from May to October starting at 9:30 a.m. and continuing with a 12:15-3:00 p. m. lunch break before finally finishing at 6:00 p.m. However, the villagers do this as a thank you from God for saving them from a plague in 1633 and put a large painting of Jesus to show this. But nearly everyone in the village takes part in the play either as one of the actors or behind the scenes, making clothes and props to run it. Still, this play is very popular all over the world that bookings take place for many years before the play is performed.

12. Greece

While some countries have multi colored eggs, in Greece the eggs are only painted red to represent the blood of Christ and used for making Easter bread as well as banged on their neighbor’s heads.

In the town of Corfu, it’s tradition for the people to throw out their crockery and pots out the window on Easter Saturday. We’re not sure why they do this. Some say it’s to symbolize the rejection of Judas. Others think it’s simply the exuberance of having a smashing time after the penitential season of Lent. There are other theories of symbolism such as getting rid of evil or the change of seasons in which the old pots of last year’s harvest are exchanged for new ones. Some think it’s adopted from the old Venetian tradition of throwing out one’s winter things for new ones for spring.

In the Greek village of Vrontados, Easter is celebrated with a fireworks war between the two Greek Orthodox parishes. Parishioners make their own rockets for this. Of course, it attracts thousands of tourists.

In the Greek village of Vrontados, Easter is celebrated with a fireworks war between the two Greek Orthodox parishes. Parishioners make their own rockets for this. Of course, it attracts thousands of tourists.

In the village of Vrontados on the island of Chios, the two Orthodox churches face off every Easter with parishioners making their own rockets and teenagers leading the war against each other. It’s said to be a century old tradition which apparently started when some Greek villagers tried to scare away the Turkish army using fireworks. Some say that it started when some Greek sailors met Chinese men who taught them how to make fireworks. Anyway thousands of rockets are used and it attracts tourists every year on Easter, boosting the town’s economy.

13. Ethiopia

On the Easter festival, the people of Ethiopia celebrate a noble feast featuring a large loaf of sourdough bread called, “Dabo.” During the day, visitors are greeted with a slice of “Dabo” to honor the crucifixion of Christ. They also wear white to exemplify purity and display headbands from palm leaves which symbolize the palm leaves Jesus’s followers greeted him with during his passage into Jerusalem before his crucifixion.

14. Switzerland

For Easter, the Swiss have an age old tradition of decorating the fountains with spring flowers and colored eggs, which creates a rather stunning sight.

For Easter, the Swiss have an age old tradition of decorating the fountains with spring flowers and colored eggs, which creates a rather stunning sight.

The Frankonian Swiss have an old Easter tradition of decorating wells with painted eggs and spring flowers to celebrate the gift of life.

Switzerland is not a fan of the Easter Bunny so the Easter Cuckoo is credited with bringing children eggs instead. Yet, they still sell chocolate bunnies though.

15. Great Britain

In the town of Bacup in Northern England, Easter Saturday is celebrated with the Nutter’s Dance which has been performed since the 18th century. It’s said to originate with Moorish sailors who somehow ended up in the area but why it’s performed on Easter Saturday, there’s no explanation. It’s a strange dance led by a Whiffer (or Whipper In), who cracks a whip to drive away evil spirits represented by a group of men with blackened faces in red, black, and white costumes and neck garlands.

The English village of Hallaton in Lancashire where the villagers play a game called bottle kicking which is a no rules rugby game played with barrels. Ambulances stand by for this due to obvious reasons.

The English village of Hallaton in Lancashire where the villagers play a game called bottle kicking which is a no rules rugby game played with barrels. Ambulances stand by for this due to obvious reasons.

The village of Hallaton in Leicestershire celebrates Easter with a game of bottle kicking which is essentially a no rules rugby game played with 3 beer barrels and a pitch spread over a mile of cross country land. Ambulances are on standby every year there.

On Holy Thursday, it was once used as the day when the monarchs showed their humility and washed the poor’s feet. It was symbolic of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples, though only a select few poor got their feet washed. However, this was later changed with the ascension of the Protestant William and Mary in 1689. Nowadays the Queen just gives out money, usually the same amount as her age.

During the Easter season, the English village of Hungerford has what’s known as the Hockside festival. This begins each year when the new police constable blows his horn calling all men to the Hockside court. Two men are selected and they parade through the streets giving women oranges in exchange for kisses.

Another English Easter tradition is Morris dancing which involves guys dancing in ribbons, clogs, and sometimes funny hats. According to Blackadder, it's a very lame dance and one he doesn't like.

Another English Easter tradition is Morris dancing which involves guys dancing in ribbons, clogs, and sometimes funny hats. According to Blackadder, it’s a very lame dance and one he doesn’t like.

Britain also celebrates Easter with an Easter egg roll in which people try to roll colored hardboiled eggs on a hill. While this has taken hold in countries like the US, the Brits tend to be pretty competitive about it. Other strange Easter customs include Pace Egg plays mostly depicting Saint George and the dragon as well as Morris dancing which is an English folk dance said to originate through druidic rites but is better known to Americans as being mercilessly ripped on the first season of Blackadder. Let’s just say the Great Britain has a lot of strange Easter traditions and leave it at that.

16. Norway

On Easter in Norway, most of the businesses and public services are closed while the day is devoted to crime stories that even the milk cartons have their own mysteries on them.

On Easter in Norway, most of the businesses and public services are closed while the day is devoted to crime stories that even the milk cartons have their own mysteries on them.

In Norway, Easter is a 5 day bank holiday in which all the businesses close save the grocery store on the Saturday before. During this time Norwegians celebrate by reading crime novels known as Påskekrimmen as well as watching crime thrillers on TV. There are even mystery stories on milk cartons and magazines. Of course, why Norwegians celebrate Easter with this crime stuff is just one of those mysteries.

17. Netherlands, Belgium, and France

While Americans have the Easter Bunny, France, Belgium, and the Netherlands have the Easter Bells which is said to depart from the churches to Rome on Holy Week only to come back bringing eggs and candies for the kids. Seems like something from a bad acid trip doesn't it? But I'm not making this up.

While Americans have the Easter Bunny, France, Belgium, and the Netherlands have the Easter Bells which is said to depart from the churches to Rome on Holy Week only to come back bringing eggs and candies for the kids. Seems like something from a bad acid trip doesn’t it? But I’m not making this up.

In these countries, it’s said that the church bells fly to Rome for a few days on Holy Week and only return on Easter morning bringing back colored eggs and chocolate rabbits. It’s said the tradition started because all church bells are silent as a sign of mourning Jesus for several days before Easter. In the Netherlands and Flemish speaking Belgium, the bells fly away on Holy Saturday. In France and French speaking Belgium on Holy Thursday. Either way, replacing Santa Claus with metal bells seems like a bad acid trip to those who may never heard of it. Seriously, I’m not making this up.

18. Greece, Spain, Portugal, and Mexico as well as Latin America

A big tradition in Catholic and Orthodox countries is Judas burning in which an effigy of Judas is tried, hanged, and burned. While it's under fire for being anti-Semitic, people also burn effigies of politicians they don't like as well.

A big tradition in Catholic and Orthodox countries is Judas burning in which an effigy of Judas is tried, hanged, and burned. While it’s under fire for being anti-Semitic, people also burn effigies of politicians they don’t like as well.

In some communities in these countries, it’s customary to burn an effigy of Judas on Easter, typically depicted as hung by the neck after a fake trial. Sometimes they’d make effigies of unpopular politicians and filling the Judas effigy with fireworks. It was once practiced all over Europe before it went into decline due to it’s possible association with being called, “the burning of the Jew,” especially in Latin America. However, the Orthodox Church has since defended the practice.

19. Philippines

In the Philippines, it's not unusual pn Holy Week for some devout Catholic men to show their adoration for Christ through self-crucifixion and self-flagellation. Yes, this is insane that even the Roman Catholic Church has tried to discourage the practice there but to no avail.

In the Philippines, it’s not unusual pn Holy Week for some devout Catholic men to show their adoration for Christ through self-crucifixion and self-flagellation. Yes, this is insane that even the Roman Catholic Church has tried to discourage the practice there but to no avail. Please don’t try this at home.

In the Philippines, many devout Catholics practice self-crucifixion on Easter replicating Jesus’s suffering. The idea behind this act of insanity was this morbid ritual is to help watch the sins of the world and self-purification. The Roman Catholic Church tried to discourage this for obvious reasons but with little success. It’s also said that it’s just one manifestation of old Filipino religions that require self-flagellation. Other theories suggest it sprang out of a misinterpretation of St. Paul’s Romans 8:13, “If you live after the flesh, you shall die, but if through the spirit you mortify the deeds of the flesh, you shall live.” Of course, while some people may equate self-mortification with purification, I’d suggest you don’t try this at home, please.

20. Bermuda

Bermudans celebrate Good Friday with flying homemade kites, as well as eating codfish cakes and hot cross buns. It’s said that the tradition started when a local teacher from the British Army had difficulty explaining Christ’s ascension to his Sunday school class and made a kite to illustrate it as a result. They also hold kite contests as well.

21.Haiti

In Hati, Holy Week is celebrated with a mixture of Catholic and Voodoo traditions such as colorful parades and traditional “rara” music played on bamboo trumpets, maracas, drums, and coffee cans. Voodoo believers would make pilgrimages to the village of Souvenance, showing devotion to the spirits with drumming, chanting, and animal sacrifices.

22. Europe

In parts of Northwestern Europe, a key tradition is lighting up huge bonfires called Easter Fires on Easter Sunday and Monday. A most common explanation for this is said to originate with the Saxons as a tale of how spring triumphs over winter. However, today it just brings communities together with heavy consumption of lager, gin, and snacks. Egg tapping or knocking is also popular.

23. Cyprus

While the people of Cyprus also paint and hide eggs on Easter for the younger children to find, teenage boys follow this up with a rather violent contest of scouring for scraps of wood to use on a communal bonfire. The neighborhood with the largest bonfire at the end of the day gets the Easter bragging rights until next year. However, since there’s a limited supply of scraps among the teenage boys, it’s not uncommon for police being called in breaking fights over wood scraps or to help put out out-of-control bonfires.

24. Italy

In Florence, Easter is celebrated with a Rube Goldberg machine being carried on a cart, stuffed with explosives, and being set on fire. The result is a 20 minute fireworks show that would make Michael Bay weep.

In Florence, Easter is celebrated with a Rube Goldberg machine being carried on a cart, stuffed with explosives, and being set on fire. The result is a 20 minute fireworks show that would make Michael Bay weep.

In Florence, Easter is celebrated with building a Rube Goldberg machine containing shards from the Holy Sepulchre to symbolize the resurrection of Jesus. Called “the holy fire,” it’s placed on a candle as well as dragged through the streets on a massive cart which is over 30ft tall and has been used for well over 300 years before reaching its destination where priests and local officials carry it to the cathedral square. Once there, it’s stuffed with explosives and topped with a fuse and a fake dove when everything is ready. The Cardinal of Florence sets the fake dove ablaze while the bells of Giotto’s campanile ring out to signal that the show is about to start. What follows is 20 minutes of nonstop explosions in the city’s cathedral which would send Michael Bay weeping with adulation. If everything goes according to plan, then the fireworks signify a year of good harvests and successful business.

In Rome on Good Friday, the Pope commemorates the Via Crucis (Way of the Cross) at the Colosseum. During this a huge cross with burning torches illuminates the sky as the 14 Stations of the Cross are described in several languages. However, Americans unfamiliar with this ritual and this significance might interpret this tradition quite differently and with great offense, especially since they’re more likely to link giant burning crosses with white supremacist violence against African Americans. On Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday, Mass is celebrated with thousands of visitors in St. Peter’s Square to

25. Spain

On Holy Thursday, the streets of Verges set the stage for the macabre “Dansa de la Mort” or “Dance of Death.” In a procession traveling through the town, 5 people dress up in skeletons grab the lime light as they move to the sound of drum beats. Each skeleton carries different items with one holding a scythe, a clock without hands, and a banner warning that death could come at any time while two carry a box of ashes. Not the kind of warm sunny Easter most of us would imagine.

Relax, NAACP, these are just Catholic brotherhoods dressed in their robes and hoods for the Holy Week processions in Spain, not a white supremacist Klu Klux Klan meeting. It's considered a great honor to do this. Seriously, Spanish have been doing this for far longer than KKK has been in existence. Costume similarities are purely coincidental.

Relax, NAACP, these are just Catholic brotherhoods dressed in their robes and hoods for the Holy Week processions in Spain, not a white supremacist Klu Klux Klan meeting. There’s a lot of pride taking part in the Spanish Easter festivities that Antonio Banderas joins his brotherhood in his hometown every year. Seriously, Spanish have been doing this for far longer than KKK has been in existence. Costume similarities are purely coincidental.

This isn’t to say that there are a lot of Easter processions in Spain dating to the Middle Ages. This is performed by many Catholic brotherhoods wearing different colored robes to tell each other apart. However, they also don conical hoods to retain their anonymity, even though they tend to scare the bejesus out of any African American tourist and it doesn’t help that some of these take place at night under candlelight. The music tends to vary according to days consisting of mournful music accompanied by dramatic drum beats on Holy Thursday, utter silence on Good Friday, to celebratory music on Easter Sunday. Many tend to walk barefoot as well as wear shackles on their feet with brotherhoods carrying floats of different scenes related to the Passion of the Christ or the Sorrows of the Virgin Mary. And there is great pride for taking part and it’s said that Antonio Banderas travels to his Malaga hometown every year to take part in this with his brotherhood, “Tears and Favors”, becoming the star attraction.

26. Japan

Though western holidays like Halloween, Christmas, and Saint Patrick’s Day have become rather popular in Japan, Easter is relatively obscure since the country doesn’t have a lot of Christians. However, this doesn’t stop companies from organizing Easter themed promotions in the spring and sometimes even the summer. Tokyo Disneyland hosts an annual “Easter Wonderland” which sometimes runs well into June.

27. Latvia

A known tradition in Latvia is an Easter game played by children which is like conkers but with eggs. Players pair off and used hardboiled colored eggs joined together with string. Competitors bang the ends of the eggs together until one player’s egg breaks. The winner is the one with the stronger egg. Sounds a bit messy to say the least.

28. Guatemala

In Guatemala, the village streets are lined with rugs made from saw dust for the Easter procession which creates trail of powdery rainbows in their wake.

In Guatemala, the village streets are lined with rugs made from saw dust for the Easter procession which creates trail of powdery rainbows in their wake.

Each Easter in Guatemala, the people lace the streets of their villages with colorful sawdust carpets. On their way to Mass, the procession of faithful walk over the vibrant carpet leaving a trail of powdery rainbows in their wake.

29. Bulgaria

While Bulgarians decorate their Easter eggs, they’re also known to fight with them by pair. The last surviving one is called a “borak.”

30. Argentina

In Argentina, there's a kitschy theme park called Tierra Santa which is devoted to telling the story of Jesus. On Holy Week, they reenact the Passion within the parks walls. It's said to attract a lot of tourists.

In Argentina, there’s a kitschy theme park called Tierra Santa which is devoted to telling the story of Jesus. On Holy Week, they reenact the Passion within the parks walls. It’s said to attract a lot of tourists.

In Argentina, there is a kitsch theme park dedicated to telling the story of Jesus which unsurprisingly goes into overdrive on Easter. There’s a plastic Jesus that’s resurrected every hour and plastic statues depicting the Passion which is already a must see for the devout with hundreds gathering each hour to watch the statue emerge from a rocky outcrop to survey the crowds. On Easter, actors take up the role to bring the passion to life, carrying the cross through the park and being crucified by Roman soldiers. Sure it’s probably in bad taste but it’s a huge hit in Latin America nevertheless.

In Northern Argentina, there’s an elaborate carnival that begins on Ash Wednesday and lasts all through Lent. In this, mothers and grandmothers gather around a decorated arch and exchange dolls in a ceremony believed to unite women in an eternal bond. On Sunday in an Argentinian version of the Easter Parade, women dress up in colorful ruffled skirts and white hats in masks made with starch and water. Riding on horseback, they singing folksongs on their way to a dance honoring Pukllay, the Spirit of the Carnival. After the ceremony, the burn a large effigy of the Pukllay to signify the end of the celebration a la Burning Man.

31. Jamaica

While Good Friday is a somber time in the Easter season of Holy Week, it pays host to Kingston’s biggest annual street carnival complete with a parade, requisite debaucheries, and even preachers. Also predict the future with egg whites on water.

32. El Salvador

In the town of Texistepeque, there’s a ritual on Easter called “Talciguines” which is supposed to symbolize the fight between Jesus and Satan. Of course, Jesus is always the winner.

33. Wales

On Palm Sunday, the Welsh visit their relatives’ graves to lay flowers as well as stage Welsh singing contests called Gymafa Gan where choirs from various chapels in festivities take part and prominent conductors are invited.

34. United States

For 130 years, the White House has sponsored the Easter egg roll on its South Lawn, which provides a lot of activities for the kids.

For 130 years, the White House has sponsored the Easter egg roll on its South Lawn, which provides a lot of activities for the kids.

For 130 years, the White House has hosted the Easter Egg Roll on its South Lawn. This mainly consists of rolling a colored hardboiled egg with a large serving spoon. But nowadays an egg hunt is included as well along with other sports and crafts.

In Texas, the people of Fredericksburg hold an event called the Easter Fires of Fredericksburg Pageant, where the town gets together to celebrate an 1840 peace treaty with the Comanche and the significance with Easter by reinventing this story. It’s said that the Comanche would light fires in the hills of Fredericksburg to signify that there was no hostility between the settlers and the indigenous people. But as the fires burned the German immigrant children grew worried and to calm them down their parents told them that the fires were the Easter Bunny burning eggs in preparation for the festivities.

New York's Easter parade from 5th Avenue to 57th Street has a lot of fun festivities with people wearing outlandish Easter outfits and donning their wackiest Easter bonnets.

New York’s Easter parade from 5th Avenue to 57th Street has a lot of fun festivities with people wearing outlandish Easter outfits and donning their wackiest Easter bonnets.

In New York City, you have the Easter parade that dates back to the 1870s and one of the city’s most significant seasonal celebrations. It begins at the famous Fifth Avenue and finishes north up 57th street. There you’ll find visitors and New Yorkers alike done their most elaborate Easter bonnets.

In Southern Michigan, on Easter tens of thousands of marshmallows are dumped onto by helicopters and are rewarded candy afterwards. This tradition has spread to other areas.

Fun with Easter Eggs

colorful-easter-eggs-in-field-of-grass-sandra-cunningham

Of course, I couldn’t do some posts on Easter without leaving a key tradition: Easter eggs. Now while many believe that Easter eggs once traditionally celebrated as a symbol of fertility and rebirth, in Christianity, they symbolized Jesus’s empty tomb, which in its own twisted way is quite appropriate. However, many don’t know that dying and painting eggs is among one of the older Easter traditions. Most of the time they’re usually chicken eggs, mostly hard boiled. Yet, we also have eggs of plastic and chocolate as well. Of course, while many eggs may just have one color on them, others can be in rather elaborate designs. Then there are some that go on a whole different level such as depicting pop culture icons and such. In this post, you’ll see the many ways people decorate Easter eggs you might not be familiar with. So without further adieu, I shall present these to you.

1. Happy Easter from the wonderful world of Disney.

Of course, these are much better drawings than I could've ever done. Then again, I don't remember the rabbits on top. Guess this person ran out of ideas.

Of course, these are much better drawings than I could’ve ever done. Then again, I don’t remember the rabbits on top. Guess this person ran out of ideas.

2. “I see a red egg and I want it painted black/No colors any more, I want them to turn black.”

Seems like the Rolling Stones haven't aged a bit. Then again, they were just as ugly as they are now. Still, hate to find an egg that resembles Keith Richards.

Seems like the Rolling Stones haven’t aged a bit. Then again, they were just as ugly as they are now. Still, hate to find an egg that resembles Keith Richards.

3. Since Easter’s a religious holiday, I couldn’t leave out eggs with Christian motifs.

Now the crucifixion one is about the goriest Easter egg I've ever seen so far. Then again, I can't argue about that being appropriate.

Now the crucifixion one is about the goriest Easter egg I’ve ever seen so far. Then again, I can’t argue about that being appropriate.

4. Performing on the Easter stag with “Bennie and the Jets,” may I present to you Sir Elton John.

Now this is a perfect Easter egg of Elton John, costume and all with all those feathers like in his heyday during the 1970s. Of course, that will have to come to an egg.

Now this is a perfect Easter egg of Elton John, costume and all with all those feathers like in his heyday during the 1970s. Of course, that will have to come to an end in the 1980s.

5. And everyone assumed that Paul was scrambled in the advent of the Abbey Road album.

I'll be putting a few Beatles stuff in my post on Easter eggs. This is from the Abbey Road album, which was one of their last collaborations. Still, love it how they're playing in a band on this one.

I’ll be putting a few Beatles stuff in my post on Easter eggs. This is from the Abbey Road album, which was one of their last collaborations. Still, love it how they’re playing in a band on this one.

6. Celebrate your Easter with the magic of Stephen Spielberg with this E. T. egg.

Maybe that's because an Indiana Jones Easter egg design would've had more difficulty. Still, as ugly as E. T. is you can't really think he's any less than adorable.

Maybe that’s because an Indiana Jones Easter egg design would’ve had more difficulty. Still, as ugly as E. T. is you can’t really think he’s any less than adorable.

7. Get ready for one wild bachelor party in Vegas with this Easter egg tribute to The Hangover or the one which launched the careers of Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis.

Oh, God, I'd hate to see what Bradley Cooper is about to do with Mike Tyson's pet tiger, which is most likely illegally possessed since it's an endangered species.

Oh, God, I’d hate to see what Bradley Cooper is about to do with Mike Tyson’s pet tiger, which is most likely illegally possessed since it’s an endangered species.

8. For those who like Peter Sellers and Henry Mancini music, here’s an Easter egg diorama from The Pink Panther movies.

Would've liked to seen an Easter egg rendering of Chief Inspector Dreyfus who later goes nuts. Still, I can only consider Peter Sellers as the one and only Inspector Clouseau and no one else.

Would’ve liked to seen an Easter egg rendering of Chief Inspector Dreyfus who later goes nuts. Still, I can only consider Peter Sellers as the one and only Inspector Clouseau and no one else.

9. For those in love with Japanese cuteness, here are some nice Easter eggs of Hello Kitty.

Sure they may not have ears but they may not have looked great with them anyway. Still, quite cute.

Sure they may not have ears but they may not have looked great with them anyway. Still, quite cute.

10. This Easter egg tribute of Barack Obama would certainly be commendable to any Egghead Commander and Chief.

Now that's a great scene of the Oval Office. Also like how he has those two pens and the globe on his desk.

Now that’s a great scene of the Oval Office. Also like how he has those two pens and the globe on his desk.

11. May these Batman Easter eggs make your Easter a rather dark night in Gotham, indeed.

Of course, presented here are Batman, Catwoman, Mr. Freeze, the Joker, Harley Quinn, Two-Face, the Penguin, the Riddler, and Clayface. Wonder why they don't have Robin, Batgirl, Bane, Dr. Strange, Poison Ivy, the Scarecrow, and Alfred.

Of course, presented here are Batman, Catwoman, Mr. Freeze, the Joker, Harley Quinn, Two-Face, the Penguin, the Riddler, and Clayface. Wonder why they don’t have Robin, Batgirl, Bane, Dr. Strange, Poison Ivy, the Scarecrow, and Alfred.

12. For those who are fans of the National Audobon Society’s guide to North American Birds, then today’s your lucky day.

Almost look as if they do in the guidebook with their respective silhouettes. Of course, Audobon often killed birds so he could save them and paint them in his book better. And boy, his bird paintings are awesome.

Almost look as if they do in the guidebook with their respective silhouettes. Of course, Audobon often killed birds so he could save them and paint them in his book better. And boy, his bird paintings are awesome.

13. “But I would not feel so all alone/Everybody must get poached.”

Yes, this is an Easter egg rendition of legendary American singer-songwriter Bob Dylan. Well, he wrote some of the best music ever which has influenced millions. But his singing is much to be desired.

Yes, this is an Easter egg rendition of legendary American singer-songwriter Bob Dylan. Well, he wrote some of the best music ever which has influenced millions. But his singing is much to be desired.

14. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.

Interestingly, Elvis Presley looked a lot like this during his Las Vegas years. Of course, this is what happens when you've been on too many drugs and peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Interestingly, Elvis Presley looked a lot like this during his Las Vegas years. Of course, this is what happens when you’ve been on too many drugs and peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

15. For you silent film buffs out there, this Easter egg Charlie Chaplin is particularly charming.

Of course, Chaplin was one of the most significant filmmakers in movie history who entertained countless audiences as the Tramp during the 1920s and early 1930s. Yet, he'd be kicked out of the country in the 1950s for his left wing political views.

Of course, Chaplin was one of the most significant filmmakers in movie history who entertained countless audiences as the Tramp during the 1920s and early 1930s. Yet, he’d be kicked out of the country in the 1950s for his left wing political views.

16. For those who have boys, these superhero Easter eggs should be a real treat for a holiday with pastel colors.

Comprised here are Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, the Green Lantern, the Flash, Spiderman, Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk, and Captain America. Still, I wonder why Thor, Black Widow, and Nick Fury aren't included.

Comprised here are Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, the Green Lantern, the Flash, Spiderman, Iron Man, the Incredible Hulk, and Captain America. Still, I wonder why Thor, Black Widow, and Nick Fury aren’t included.

17. For those into foul humor and toilet jokes, you can’t go wrong with these South Park Easter eggs here.

Now I'm sure the Kenny one is going to have horrible things done to it after the picture since he practically dies in a lot of episodes.

Now I’m sure the Kenny one is going to have horrible things done to it after the picture since he practically dies in a lot of episodes.

18. “He’s an egg ball wizard/There has to be a twist./An egg ball wizard’s got such a supple wrist.”

Of course, The Who known for their rock opera Tommy about a deaf, dumb, and blind pinball whiz. Still, I'm not sure what I'd say if any elementary age school kids ask about what happened to Keith Moon.

Of course, The Who known for their rock opera Tommy about a deaf, dumb, and blind pinball whiz. Still, I’m not sure what I’d say if any elementary age school kids ask about what happened to Keith Moon.

19. For those who like kicking ass reptiles from the sewers, you’d love these Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Easter eggs.

Of course, I wonder if anyone could remember that the turtles were named after Renaissance artists like Leonardo Da Vinci, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael. Of course, in real life Leonardo was the inventor and technological genius of the 4. Oh, and that Leonardo and Michelangelo were both gay.

Of course, I wonder if anyone could remember that the turtles were named after Renaissance artists like Leonardo Da Vinci, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael. Of course, in real life Leonardo was the inventor and technological genius of the 4. Oh, and that Leonardo and Michelangelo were both gay.

20. From “That’ll Be the Day” to the Day the Music Died, Buddy Holly and the Crickets were one of the best known 1950s rock n’ roll acts.

Man, it's hard not to imagine what Buddy Holly's career would've amounted to if he didn't get on that plane with J. P. Richardson and Ritchie Valens that fateful day.

Man, it’s hard not to imagine what Buddy Holly’s career would’ve amounted to if he didn’t get on that plane with J. P. Richardson and Ritchie Valens that fateful day.

21. Since they’re so iconic with the black and white make up, rock and roll all night with these KISS Easter eggs and party every day.

I'm not really a KISS fan but I did put a KISS nutcracker ensemble for my nutcracker post back in 2013. This is a great Easter equivalent.

I’m not really a KISS fan but I did put a KISS nutcracker ensemble for my nutcracker post back in 2013. This is a great Easter equivalent.

22. Not sure what to do with those Easter eggs, how about egg totem poles?

Now these may not look like real totem poles. But they're quite intricate and I like them.

Now these may not look like real totem poles. But they’re quite intricate and I like them.

23. Tissue and construction paper make great flowers as well as Easter egg decorations.

Now these are quite pretty and so intricate that I suspect someone is either getting paid for it or has way too much time on their hands.

Now these are quite pretty and so intricate that I suspect someone is either getting paid for it or has way too much time on their hands.

24. “I am the eggman, they are the eggmen/I am the walrus, goo goo goo joob”

So what if "I Am the Walrus" came out in the late 1960s and these are the Fab Four from 1964? I had to use those lines sometime.

So what if “I Am the Walrus” came out in the late 1960s and these are the Fab Four from 1964? I had to use those lines sometime.

25. Bring the magic of Oz to life with this Easter egg diorama of The Wizard of Oz.

Seems more likely to traumatize your friends than the real thing. Still not as good as Gone with the Wind even if the movie denigrated African Americans as happy slaves.

Seems more likely to traumatize your friends than the real thing. Still not as good as Gone with the Wind even if the movie denigrated African Americans as happy slaves.

26. “It was twenty years ago today/Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play/They’ve been going in and out of style/But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile”

"So may I introduce to you/The act you've known for all these years/Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" Wait until they get to Billy Shears.

“So may I introduce to you/The act you’ve known for all these years/Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” Wait until they get to Billy Shears.

27. Leafs always make great decoration for Easter eggs if you want to go with a nature theme.

Yes, they're pretty. But I wonder if they were still around after most of the leaves were already swept up during the fall.

Yes, they’re pretty. But I wonder if they were still around after most of the leaves were already swept up during the fall.

28. For those who love Lego, you might love having these Lego heads on your Easter eggs.

Now these are just adorable. But only one of them is explicitly female. Yet, we can change that if we add hair.

Now these are just adorable. But only one of them is explicitly female. Yet, we can change that if we add hair to some of the others.

29. When it comes to flower decorations, you can’t go wrong with flowers.

Of course, these buttons may be of the same shape but the smaller ones not always of the same size and color.

Of course, these buttons may be of the same shape but the smaller ones not always of the same size and color.

30. For you Despicable Me fans, these minon Easter eggs are as easy as pie.

When it comes to Despicable Me, almost everyone remembers the minions and how cute they are. Still, I see a lot of them in a lot of artistic renditions because they're an east craft subject.

When it comes to Despicable Me, almost everyone remembers the minions and how cute they are. Still, I see a lot of them in a lot of artistic renditions because they’re an east craft subject.

31. Go underwater with these deep sea diving Easter eggs.

Well, I don't mean literally of course. But I daresay these look quite adorable in scuba gear and flippers.

Well, I don’t mean literally of course. But I daresay these look quite adorable in scuba gear and flippers.

32. Defend the Imperial Empire with these Imperial Stormtrooper Easter eggs.

Cheer up, Rebels. Sure they may seem intimidating and kill Luke's aunt and uncle. Yet, Imperial Stormtroopers are known for being notorious bad shots since they're never seen hitting anything.

Cheer up, Rebels. Sure they may seem intimidating and kill Luke’s aunt and uncle. Yet, Imperial Stormtroopers are known for being notorious bad shots since they’re never seen hitting anything.

33. For those who loved WALL-E, you might love these EVE Easter eggs.

Well, the EVE we know from WALL-E is the one with the eyes and the plant sign on it. But still, quite cute.

Well, the EVE we know from WALL-E is the one with the eyes and the plant sign on it. But still, quite cute.

34. For those repressed art students out there, you can always paint your Easter eggs by hand if you want to.

Now these are quite intricate and pretty. They also match the dish they're on. Sure hate to see a small child break these.

Now these are quite intricate and pretty. They also match the dish they’re on. Sure hate to see a small child break these.

35. When it comes to decorating Easter eggs, feel free to accessorize.

Now this person seems to spend more time decorating the eggs' outfits than the actual eggs themselves.

Now this person seems to spend more time decorating the eggs’ outfits than the actual eggs themselves.

36. Relive the Tim Burton magic with this Easter egg tribute to Alice in Wonderland.

Like The Wizard of Oz one, this also seems much creepier and likely to traumatize kids than the real thing. This is especially true with the Mad Hatter, the White Rabbit, as well as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.

Like The Wizard of Oz one, this also seems much creepier and likely to traumatize kids than the real thing. This is especially true with the Mad Hatter, the White Rabbit, as well as Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

37. Seems like one of their friends was taken from the egg carton and into the frying pan.

And it seems like they know one of them's next in the skillet of horrors. And some of them are seen screaming.

And it seems like they know one of them’s next in the skillet of horrors. Some of them are seen screaming.

38. Jam with the Jamaican reggae beat with Bob Marley.

Rarely do we have the traditions of pot and Easter merged in the same creation as an Easter egg version of Bob Marley.

Rarely do we have the traditions of pot and Easter merged in the same creation as an Easter egg version of Bob Marley.

39. For all you Scarface fans out there, say hello to my little friend!

Now no parent would certainly want their kid to find an Easter egg with Al Pacino's face on it since most of his movies are rated R. Not to mention, they tend to be rather violent with sex, swearing, and substance abuse.

Now no parent would certainly want their kid to find an Easter egg with Al Pacino’s face on it since most of his movies are rated R. Not to mention, they tend to be rather violent with sex, swearing, and substance abuse.

40. Hey, look, I found Waldo!

Then again, it's pretty easy to find Waldo when he's a decorated Easter egg and the others are quite plain so to speak.

Then again, it’s pretty easy to find Waldo when he’s a decorated Easter egg and the others are quite plain so to speak.

41. For fans of the HBO series Game of Thrones, these Easter eggs are for you.

Of course, like everything by George R. R. Martin, they may only be as fun until they suffer a really horrible death like some peoples favorite Game of Thrones characters.

Of course, like everything by George R. R. Martin, they may only be as fun until they suffer a really horrible death like some peoples favorite Game of Thrones characters.

42. For those who grew up with Nintendo, you’d sure love these Super Mario Brothers Easter eggs.

Of course, we all know what these mushrooms do in the game. But watch out for the bullets.

Of course, we all know what these mushrooms do in the game. But watch out for the bullets.

43. Enjoy the magic of Hogwarts this Easter with these Harry Potter Easter eggs.

Now these include, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Snape, Voldemort, Dumbledore, Nagini, and the Golden Snitch. Of course, I'd also like to see ones of Luna, Hagrid, Neville, and Hedwig but you take what you can get I guess.

Now these include, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Snape, Voldemort, Dumbledore, Nagini, and the Golden Snitch. Of course, I’d also like to see ones of Luna, Hagrid, Neville, Malfoy, Sirius, Lupin, and Hedwig but you take what you can get I guess.

44. These Easter egg bees are as sweet as honey.

Now these may be simple in some respects. But they're nevertheless adorable to say the least.

Now these may be simple in some respects. But they’re nevertheless adorable to say the least.

45. For those who love video games, I’m sure you can’t go wrong with Angry Birds.

Of course, the green pig is going to get it sooner or later since it's surrounded by birds that really seem pissed off beyond all means.

Of course, the green pig is going to get it sooner or later since it’s surrounded by birds that really seem pissed off beyond all means.

46. Sometimes felt can be handy when it comes to Easter egg decorations.

Sure love spring flowers and I think these beautiful eggs have great designs on them. Once again, someone must have too much time on their hands.

Sure love spring flowers and I think these beautiful eggs have great designs on them. Once again, someone must have too much time on their hands.

47. Splash into the world of Amity Island in the summer with Jaws. But swim carefully.

Seems like this pipe cleaner lady doesn't have long to live. Seriously, she shouldn't be so stupid enough to swim in shark infested waters.

Seems like this pipe cleaner lady doesn’t have long to live. Seriously, she shouldn’t be so stupid enough to swim in shark infested waters.

48. Celebrate this Easter with, “Purple Haze” with this Easter egg Jimi Hendrix.

Of course, he may be one of the greatest guitarists of all time and played the "Star Spangled Banner" at Woodstock. Unfortunately, he died young.

Of course, he may be one of the greatest guitarists of all time and played the “Star Spangled Banner” at Woodstock. Unfortunately, he died young.

49. Now these lady bug Easter eggs will go well in anybody’s basket.

Now these are so adorable and quite concurrent with spring. Of course, some lady bugs are male, by the way.

Now these are so adorable and quite concurrent with spring. Of course, some lady bugs are male, by the way.

50. Enjoy a good scare this Easter with these eggs depicting characters from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Sure The Nightmare Before Christmas may have absolutely nothing to do with Easter but that doesn't mean you can't make eggs from that film. Does it?

Sure The Nightmare Before Christmas may have absolutely nothing to do with Easter but that doesn’t mean you can’t make eggs from that film. Does it?

51. Now I daresay, this London Easter egg always knows how to retain a stiff upper lip.

Of course, it's one of those royal guards you see at Buckingham Palace. So don't try to make it crack beyond all means. Seriously, you don't want to do that.

Of course, it’s one of those royal guards you see at Buckingham Palace. So don’t try to make it crack beyond all means. Seriously, you don’t want to do that.

52. Sometimes it helps when you decorate your Easter eggs with string.

However, once Easter is over, these can be a pain in the ass to peel off. But they are quite colorful to get my drift.

However, once Easter is over, these can be a pain in the ass to peel off. But they are quite colorful to get my drift.

53. Join Snoopy and the gang with this Easter egg tribute to Peanuts.

Seems weird that the cast seems like a bunch of coneheads as far as Easter egg tributes go. I mean their heads seemed quite round in the comics.

Seems weird that the cast seems like a bunch of coneheads as far as Easter egg tributes go. I mean their heads seemed quite round in the comics.

54. So, yes, you can do embroidery on your Easter eggs as these specimens show.

Of course, after Easter, these eggs would soon be a pain in the ass to peel off. I'll say. Still, for the moment they're quite pretty.

Of course, after Easter, these eggs would soon be a pain in the ass to peel off. I’ll say. Still, for the moment they’re quite pretty.

55. For you Trekkies out there, these Star Trek themed Easter eggs are for you.

Of course, they had a set of Easter eggs for the characters but the Red shirt ones all got broken. So the person decided to use logos and symbols instead.

Of course, they had a set of Easter eggs for the characters but the Red shirt ones all got broken. So the person decided to use logos and symbols instead.

56. Seems like someone lost their yolk.

And everybody is in a state of panic over it. Guess that somebody cracked it over the edge.

And everybody is in a state of panic over it. Guess that somebody cracked it over the edge.

57. For you Pixar lovers out there, here are Easter eggs of the aliens from Toy Story.

Of course, we all know these aliens worship a massive claw in the vending machine they live in. I mean we've all seen the movies.

Of course, we all know these aliens worship a massive claw in the vending machine they live in. I mean we’ve all seen the movies.

58. “She’s got eggs, she knows how to use them.”

Yes, that's ZZ Top all right, which hail all the way from Texas. Of course, this person did a great job depicting the frontmen's beards.

Yes, that’s ZZ Top all right, which hail all the way from Texas. Of course, this person did a great job depicting the frontmen’s beards.

59. Catch em’ all this Easter season with these Pokemon egg designs.

Now these are quite adorable and intricate designs. Still, the scientifically accurate version on Laughing Squid has some disturbing implications.

Now these are quite adorable and intricate designs. Still, the scientifically accurate version on Laughing Squid has some disturbing implications.

60. When it comes to decorating Easter eggs, you can apply just about anything.

Now these are way beyond any artistic endeavor I could undergo with art supplies. These are just so beautiful to say the least.

Now these are way beyond any artistic endeavor I could undergo with art supplies. These are just so beautiful to say the least.

Fun with Easter Bonnets

easter-bonnet I may not take part in this on Easter since I live in the country, but for a long time in cities, it was a tradition for people to got to church on Easter Sunday before attending the annual Easter parade. And it was there where women donned their Easter bonnets which are technically hats. Of course, these can come in all shapes and sizes at times such as the simple straw with flowers and ribbons to basically the Easter equivalent of the Christmas sweater. And some of these bonnets can be as outrageous that you’d think they’re designed by Lady Gaga as well as not exclusively worn by women. Thus, you won’t see just ladies looking ridiculous and in some hats that may not have much to do with Easter or spring anyway. So without further adieu, here are some of the crazy, wild, Easter bonnets you may ever see.

1. Wake up this Easter with sunny side up for breakfast.

These two must be real egg heads going out in those hats.

These two must be real egg heads going out in those hats. I wonder if they have one wearing a bacon hat.

2. This woman is bound to poke somebody’s eye out if she’s not careful.

Yeah, I can totally understand why the guy is wearing sunglasses for protection against the pointy sticks.

Yeah, I can totally understand why the guy is wearing sunglasses for protection against the pointy sticks.

3. Another great motif for Easter bonnets are bird’s nests.

Now I wonder if any real birds try to lay eggs in it. Either that or make out with the bird depicted building it which is fake.

Now I wonder if any real birds try to lay eggs in it. Either that or make out with the bird depicted building it which is fake.

4. Forget Easter bonnets, check out this Easter headdress.

Someone must've had too much time on their hands to make this one. Either that, or she's Lady Gaga's costume designer judging by that flamboyant hat.

Someone must’ve had too much time on their hands to make this one. Either that, or she’s Lady Gaga’s costume designer judging by that flamboyant hat.

5. I dub this hat style, “laundry basket.”

 And it seems that these people might be in need of a major neck massage after they're done having these large flower laundry baskets on their heads all day.


And it seems that these people might be in need of a major neck massage after they’re done having these large flower laundry baskets on their heads all day.

6. For the Pixar fan, this hat depicting the house from Up might catch your fancy.

Basically an Easter bonnet made with a small doll house and some balloons. Still, I'm not sure if this has anything to do with Easter but I like it.

Basically an Easter bonnet made with a small doll house and some balloons. Still, I’m not sure if this has anything to do with Easter but I like it.

7. Now this seems like this gives “put a flower in your hair” a whole new meaning.

Man, I wonder how she managed to put that hat on without putting her hair in a bun first. However, I have doubts on whether it'll survive intact when she takes it off.

Man, I wonder how she managed to put that hat on without putting her hair in a bun first. However, I have doubts on whether it’ll survive intact when she takes it off.

8. I give you the hat of a 100 eyes.

In some way this hat is just as whimsical as much as it is creepy. Seriously, the basket is covered with eyes.

In some way this hat is just as whimsical as much as it is creepy. Seriously, the basket is covered with eyes.

9. Now I say this woman’s Easter hat is houseplant couture.

You can say that her large hat almost matches the scenery. Of course, she sometimes has to occasionally water it .

You can say that her large hat almost matches the scenery. Of course, she sometimes has to occasionally water it .

10. Of course, sometimes Easter is the time of year when men get in touch with their feminine side.

And when it comes to metrosexuality, this guy is totally fabulous with his coiffure in flowers, chicks, eggs, butterflies, and wire fencing.

And when it comes to metrosexuality, this guy is totally fabulous with his coiffure in flowers, chicks, eggs, butterflies, and wire fencing.

11. Now in accordance with spring, you can’t go wrong with a flower pot on your head.

I think the flowers are supposed to go on top of the pot, which has bunnies and grass. Seriously, it's the kind of hat I'd see in a Dr. Seuss story.

I think the flowers are supposed to go on top of the pot, which has bunnies and grass. Seriously, it’s the kind of hat I’d see in a Dr. Seuss story.

12. Another great motif on Easter bonnets are beehives, like this one.

Hey, at least it's not a real one because that would be bad. Still, the mutant bees are on the edges while the hive bees are much smaller.

Hey, at least it’s not a real one because that would be bad. Still, the mutant bees are on the edges while the hive bees are much smaller.

13. For boys, a partial colored egg with paper machete makes a great Easter bonnet.

This boy is trying to smile for the camera but deep down he feels so self-conscious about the possibility of his fellow classmates beating him up in school.

This boy is trying to smile for the camera but deep down he feels so self-conscious about the possibility of his fellow classmates beating him up in school.

14. Nothing makes a great Easter bonnet for a parade than one of a giant chicken or something.

What the hell is that bird? I know it can't be a phoenix because it doesn't have flames coming out of it. Seriously, that looks like some sort of cross between a swan and a chicken.

What the hell is that bird? I know it can’t be a phoenix because it doesn’t have flames coming out of it. Seriously, that looks like some sort of cross between a swan and a chicken.

15. Now I call this one, “Tigger at Gitmo.”

I wonder what the animals in the Hundred Acre Wood will think when they discover that their bouncy friend is being held as an enemy combatant. Seriously, since what does this trama inducing look have to do with Easter?

I wonder what the animals in the Hundred Acre Wood will think when they discover that their bouncy friend is being held as an enemy combatant. Seriously, since what does this trama inducing look have to do with Easter?

16. For Easter, it’s always manly to wear a hat of pink bunny ears.

Even funnier is that this guy is the King of Sweden. Yes, may I proclaim that the King of Sweden is wearing a pink bunny hat for Easter.

Even funnier is that this guy is the King of Sweden. Yes, may I proclaim that the King of Sweden is wearing a pink bunny hat for Easter.

17. Carrot Top, allow me to introduce you to Bo Carrot.

Well, at least she doesn't have to worry about shopping for a snack. Still, this is pretty crazy if you think about it.

Well, at least she doesn’t have to worry about shopping for a snack. Still, this is pretty crazy if you think about it.

18. Then again, for a boy’s Easter bonnet, I suppose Angry Birds is much more appropriate.

Even better is that these Angry Birds are made from Easter eggs as far as I can tell. Seriously, this is a better than colored eggs. At least for boys.

Even better is that these Angry Birds are made from Easter eggs as far as I can tell. Seriously, this is a better than colored eggs. At least for boys.

19. Forget the Easter bonnet, how about a bunny cap?

Now this seems rather easy to make such as cardboard, cotton, and a cap. Not to mention, Little Jimmy is less likely to be beat up in school over it.

Now this seems rather easy to make such as cardboard, cotton, and a cap. Not to mention, Little Jimmy is less likely to be beat up in school over it.

20. Nothing brings in the spirit of spring than an Easter bonnet of a watering can.

Now that watering can display is pretty. But I wonder if this girl is going to need a neck massage after the Easter parade though.

Now that watering can display is pretty. But I wonder if this girl is going to need a neck massage after the Easter parade though.

21. Now this one captures the essence of spring: butterflies, flowers, and a scorpion?

I'm not sure whether a scorpion belongs in a holiday that includes cute bunnies, chicks, flowers, colored eggs. But, hey, what do I know?

I’m not sure whether a scorpion belongs in a holiday that includes cute bunnies, chicks, flowers, colored eggs. But, hey, what do I know?

22. With Easter bonnets, the bigger the flowers the better.

Yet, I'm not sure if this gigantic rose is really improving things for now. Seriously, this reminds me of a Kentucky Derby hat for some reason.

Yet, I’m not sure if this gigantic rose is really improving things for now. Seriously, this reminds me of a Kentucky Derby hat for some reason.

23. For Easter, you can’t be the belle of the parade without a bonnet of shiny rainbow eggs.

I'm not sure if the eggs enhance the hat or not. Either way, at least if she wears it at night, it'll certainly be quite reflective.

I’m not sure if the eggs enhance the hat or not. Either way, at least if she wears it at night, it’ll certainly be quite reflective.

24. For egg hunts, paper machete egg bonnets are perfect for the kids.

However, this little girl doesn't seem to think so. In fact, she seems to wonder whether she seems to resemble an alien from outer space in it.

However, this little girl doesn’t seem to think so. In fact, she seems to wonder whether she seems to resemble an alien from outer space in it.

25. When it comes to Easter bonnets, there’s no limit to how high you can go.

She should be lucky that most churches have rather high ceilings in their naves. But seriously, that's a lot of flowers and eggs.

She should be lucky that most churches have rather high ceilings in their naves. But seriously, that’s a lot of flowers and eggs.

26. Of course, there’s no great Easter bonnet than one of a giant Creme egg.

Then again, I'm sure the egg doesn't have any chocolate in it. But this little girl seems happy.

Then again, I’m sure the egg doesn’t have any chocolate in it. But this little girl seems happy.

27. Of course, you can’t celebrate Easter without a garden hat.

Then again, if this didn't have garden stuff on it, I would've mistaken it for some tribal headdress on some island in the Pacific.

Then again, if this didn’t have garden stuff on it, I would’ve mistaken it for some tribal headdress on some island in the Pacific.

28. Nothing says Easter like a bonnet with a couple of assault rifles on it?

Okay, I'm sure defending your right to shoot Bambi and all his wabbit fwiends is perfectly fine. But why do it on Easter on all holidays? Seriously, it's a holiday to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and new life, not untimely deaths on school campuses and 3rd world countries!

Okay, I’m sure defending your right to shoot Bambi and all his wabbit fwiends is perfectly fine. But why do it on Easter on all holidays? Seriously, it’s a holiday to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and new life, not untimely deaths on school campuses and 3rd world countries!

29. With blue ribbons and a pink basket, this guy is in his Easter best.

Sure he may look ridiculous but he so doesn't care what the guys at the office think for now. Seriously, his little girl probably designed the hat in the first place.

Sure he may look ridiculous but he so doesn’t care what the guys at the office think for now. Seriously, his little girl probably designed the hat in the first place.

30. Of course, it doesn’t always have to be the woman who wears the flowers.

Seems like he's enjoying himself in his white, orange, and purple Easter lilies. Too bad real lilies don't bloom until later in the spring or summer.

Seems like he’s enjoying himself in his white, orange, and purple Easter lilies. Too bad real lilies don’t bloom until later in the spring or summer.

31. Of course, this girl will be the envy of the egg hunt with her hatching egg hat.

Of course, alongside the chick, there are smaller eggs in the egg as well. Which makes me beg the question.

Of course, alongside the chick, there are smaller eggs in the egg as well. Which makes me beg the question.

32. Now this girl is lucky since she’s wearing the bonnet with the golden egg.

Now she may want to watch out for any fairy tale creatures who would do what it takes to obtain it. And then there will be a Maltese Falcon situation on their hands.

Now she may want to watch out for any fairy tale creatures who would do what it takes to obtain it. And then there will be a Maltese Falcon situation on their hands.

33. You can say this Easter bonnet can make anyone as pretty as a peacock.

Now that's a lot of feathers under the brim. Wonder if she's wearing a sombrero, which can explain a lot.

Now that’s a lot of feathers under the brim. Wonder if she’s wearing a sombrero, which can explain a lot.

34. Make sure your Easter bonnet is all chicked out.

Now this woman seems to have it all yellowed out with daffodils and chickies. But I'm not sure if having a large chick on top is utterly cute or ridiculous.

Now this woman seems to have it all yellowed out with daffodils and chickies. But I’m not sure if having a large chick on top is utterly cute or ridiculous.

35. Since chicks like to frolic, you always need a fence to contain them.

Yeah, but their space is limited since they're blocked by a giant sky and cloud thing in the center. Of course, this boy is wondering, "Why do I have to wear this?"

Yeah, but their space is limited since they’re blocked by a giant sky and cloud thing in the center. Of course, this boy is wondering, “Why do I have to wear this?”

36. While it’s mainly associated with Thanksgiving, I’m sure a cornucopia would make a fine Easter bonnet with some spring trimmings.

Now I'm sure this may be just as good for Thanksgiving since it seems more appropriate for fall than spring. But who am I to judge?

Now I’m sure this may be just as good for Thanksgiving since it seems more appropriate for fall than spring. But who am I to judge?

37. With Easter bonnets, it’s time to spring into action.

I don't know about you, but I think all these springly decorations can be a bit excessive. The fake cemetery flower business must be booming this time a year.

I don’t know about you, but I think all these springly decorations can be a bit excessive. The fake cemetery flower business must be booming this time a year.

38. For some Easter bonnets are a way to celebrate Easter. For others, a way to show off their Pez dispenser collection.

While Pez candies can be quite disgusting, we all better remember the containers for some reason. Also like the dangling toy rabbits around this guy's hat.

While Pez candies can be quite disgusting, we all better remember the containers for some reason. Also like the dangling toy rabbits around this guy’s hat.

39. Sometimes when an Easter bonnet isn’t enough, a stuffed duck has to have one, too.

And this duck even has some accessories like French fries, nail polish, and a couple of other things. But this girl seems happy.

And this duck even has some accessories like French fries, nail polish, and a couple of other things along with an enormous flower bonnet. But this girl seems happy.

40. Now you can’t have an Easter parade without some Easter basket bonnets on the streets, too.

Now this woman seems like a real basket case according to wearing a hat like that she doesn't seem too thrilled with.

Now this woman seems like a real basket case according to wearing a hat like that she doesn’t seem too thrilled with.

41. Be on the sunny side of Easter with this sunflower hat.

Man, that's a huge sunflower. And with so many petals, too. Still, I'm sure sunflowers aren't in season this time of year since they come later in the summer.

Man, that’s a huge sunflower. And with so many petals, too. Still, I’m sure sunflowers aren’t in season this time of year since they come later in the summer.

42. Seems like soccer is a big game between the chicks and bunnies this Easter.

Seems like they have bunnies and chicks the same size as well as a small human referee. So how does that happen?

Seems like they have bunnies and chicks the same size as well as a small human referee. So how does that happen?

43. Now it seems like these chicks are hatching in the egg cartons for some reason.

Now this is pretty crazy. I'm sure those chicks are mounted somehow. Also, I'm sure that eggs are only available at a dozen in stores.

Now this is pretty crazy. I’m sure those chicks are mounted somehow. Also, I’m sure that eggs are only available at a dozen in stores.

44. Man, now that’s calling putting all your eggs in one basket, or hat for that matter.

Hope that none of those plastic eggs have candy in them or you know what the kiddies will do to that. Still, how does her head withstand so much stuff?

Hope that none of those plastic eggs have candy in them or you know what the kiddies will do to that. Still, how does her head withstand so much stuff?

45. For the white and fluffy crowd, you might want your Easter Bonnet cloud to contain plastic grocery bags and white feathers.

Then again, those could be faulty airbags from some car company. Still, she seems like the perfect woman for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Then again, those could be faulty airbags from some car company. Still, she seems like the perfect woman for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

46. Seems like the chicks on this girl’s Easter bonnet are already hatching.

Oh, shit. She's an Easter bonnet contest winner during the High Clere Castle Easter egg hunt? Seriously, why wasn't there an Easter egg hunt episode of Downton Abbey then?

Oh, shit. She’s an Easter bonnet contest winner during the High Clere Castle Easter egg hunt? Seriously, why wasn’t there an Easter egg hunt episode of Downton Abbey then?

47. Want a bee in your Easter bonnet?

Now this bee may seem quite cute since it's plush. However, you wouldn't want to be stung by it mainly due to its size.

Now this bee may seem quite cute since it’s plush. However, you wouldn’t want to be stung by it mainly due to its size.

48. Now I call these women the “Orange Brigade.”

Now I'm sure these women's towering hats probably put them as members of some kind of club, family, or cult.

Now I’m sure these women’s towering hats probably put them as members of some kind of club, family, or cult.

49. When it comes to decorating your Easter bonnet, you can’t go wrong with Peeps.

I mean those inedible marshmallow sugar candies have to be used in some way since they're utterly unfit for human consumption. Still, pretty amazing.

I mean those inedible marshmallow sugar candies have to be used in some way since they’re utterly unfit for human consumption. Still, pretty amazing.

50. Now this girl’s hat is in the blue flower spirit of spring.

Let's hope no graves were robbed of their flower arrangements during the making of this humongous flower hat. Seriously, these posies are fake, which I've seen all the time at the cemetery near where I live.

Let’s hope no graves were robbed of their flower arrangements during the making of this humongous flower hat. Seriously, these posies are fake, which I’ve seen all the time at the cemetery near where I live.

51. Bunny out of your hat or on top of it?

Of course, Ann Miller can have this kind of hat who was kind of the Lady Gaga of her day as far as fashions go. Then again, this style makes any of Lady Gaga's Easter bonnets seem tame by comparison.

Of course, Ann Miller can have this kind of hat who was kind of the Lady Gaga of her day as far as fashions go. Then again, this style makes any of Lady Gaga’s Easter bonnets seem tame by comparison.

52. This hat gives, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” a whole new meaning.

Yeah, I'm sure Tiny Tim didn't mean that when he sang "Tiptoe Through the Tulips," in that falsetto voice. Seriously, this is crazy.

Yeah, I’m sure Tiny Tim didn’t mean that when he sang “Tiptoe Through the Tulips,” in that falsetto voice. Seriously, this is crazy.

53. I now bring you, the Carrot Tops.

Now I wonder how they get those carrots to stand up? Hope they're not attracting some rabbits with those giant carrots because that would be bad.

Now I wonder how they get those carrots to stand up? Hope they’re not attracting some rabbits with those giant carrots because that would be bad.

54. Nothing says Easter like a bonnet depicting two rabbits in their outdoor bathroom near the farm.

I don't know about you but I'm kind of freaked out that I can't see this person's head for some reason. Probably the fact that the person is alive.

I don’t know about you but I’m kind of freaked out that I can’t see this person’s head for some reason. Probably the fact that the person is alive.

55. Nothing makes a better Easter bonnet than a bunny in a flower pot.

Now this is interesting. Still, I wonder what kind of neck strain this bonnet may cause after wearing it for a few hours.

Now this is interesting. Still, I wonder what kind of neck strain this bonnet may cause after wearing it for a few hours.

56. And out of this hat grows an Easter egg tree.

The tree from this hat seems like it comes straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. Still, quite original if you ask me.

The tree from this hat seems like it comes straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. Still, quite original if you ask me.

57. A big bouquet for your yellow watering can?

Now I wonder how does she wear this hat without straining her neck with all the weight of those plastic flowers I've seen in a cemetery.

Now I wonder how does she wear this hat without straining her neck with all the weight of those plastic flowers I’ve seen in a cemetery.

58. Nothing like an Easter bonnet consisting of a basket tied to your head.

Now isn't that a bit lopsided in terms of weight distribution? Seriously, it looks ridiculous! Still, at least she has a place to receive tips.

Now isn’t that a bit lopsided in terms of weight distribution? Seriously, it looks ridiculous! Still, at least she has a place to receive tips.

59. Sometimes it’s not just the women who go all out with flowers.

Behold, the Aztec God Xochipilli the Flower Prince in his Easter Sunday best. Why he wears his flower headdress during a Christian holiday, I'll never know.

Behold, the Aztec God Xochipilli the Flower Prince in his Easter Sunday best. Why he wears his flower headdress during a Christian holiday, I’ll never know.

60. Nothing makes an Easter bonnet like one of a giant ant at a picnic.

Now this is perhaps one of the few Easter bonnets on this post that may be truly terrifying. Also what the hell do giant ants have to do with Easter for God's sake?

Now this is perhaps one of the few Easter bonnets on this post that may be truly terrifying. Also what the hell do giant ants have to do with Easter for God’s sake?

61. Of course, you can’t celebrate the Easter season without including candy.

Now this must be a huge undertaking, especially when it comes to including Hershey's and Crunch on this.

Now this must be a huge undertaking, especially when it comes to including Hershey’s and Crunch on this.

62. Now these guys want to look their best for the Easter parade in their prettiest hats.

And all these manly men seem to love how their hats go with their overalls, save perhaps one.

And all these manly men seem to love how their hats go with their overalls, save perhaps one.

63. When it comes to Easter bonnets, you can’t have too many flowers.

Now this is Xochiquetzal the Aztec Goddess of love and flowers. Unfortunately, she's not as nice as her male counterpart and demands a sacrifice every 8 years.

Now this is Xochiquetzal the Aztec Goddess of love and flowers. Unfortunately, she’s not as nice as her male counterpart and demands a sacrifice every 8 years.

64. Don’t look now, but I think I see these weird green hat ladies here.

Now while these hats may reflect an early spring, the color scheme is much to be desired. Seriously, they seem rather dull in color as well as make the wearers look ridiculous for some reason.

Now while these hats may reflect an early spring, the color scheme is much to be desired. Seriously, they seem rather dull in color as well as make the wearers look ridiculous for some reason.

65. Now there’s nothing better than a rabbit proof fence on your straw Easter bonnet.

I've seen better. Seriously, if that rabbit were real, it would totally jump it. Then again, you have the aesthetics to consider.

I’ve seen better. Seriously, if that rabbit were real, it would totally jump it. Then again, you have the aesthetics to consider.

66. A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the Easter bonnet.

I don't know about you but this seems like a creepy old lady's hat than an Easter bonnet. At least to me.

I don’t know about you but this seems like a creepy old lady’s hat than an Easter bonnet. At least to me.

67. When it comes to pussy willow flowers you can never go overboard.

Okay, this is quite extravagant. Flowers are probably fake but they seem to have eggs hanging on them.

Okay, this is quite extravagant. Flowers are probably fake but they seem to have eggs hanging on them.

68. Nothing says Easter than having a crown with a giant chick.

Now that guy better be quite strong since that chick sure looks monstrously heavy for some reason.

Now that guy better be quite strong since that chick sure looks monstrously heavy for some reason.

69. For Easter bonnet decorations, jelly beans do quite well.

Of course, these candies taste really disgusting that you might as well put them to better use.

Of course, these candies taste really disgusting that you might as well put them to better use.

70. Now this lady seems to have left all her Easter eggs hanging.

Now I wonder how she could wear this hat and see. I mean those plastic eggs seem to obscure her eyes.

Now I wonder how she could wear this hat and see. I mean those plastic eggs seem to obscure her eyes.

71. Whether you’re in the Easter parade or Kabuki Theater, this bonnet is for you.

Of course, if you're unfamiliar with Japanese theater, despite the extravagant costumes, we should be aware that all the actors involved are guys, even as the leading ladies.

Of course, if you’re unfamiliar with Japanese theater, despite the extravagant costumes, we should be aware that all the actors involved are guys, even as the leading ladies.

72. Of course, no one can have a hat with rabbit ears as tall as this girl.

Now those are long rabbit ears. Must hear a lot noises from miles away such as a bear shitting in the woods.

Now those are long rabbit ears. Must hear a lot noises from miles away such as a bear shitting in the woods.

73. Seems like this beehive basket needs some flowers.

Now this might have unfortunate implications if those were real flowers and the bees were alive. Imagine the sting marks on this woman.

Now this might have unfortunate implications if those were real flowers and the bees were alive. Imagine the sting marks on this woman.

74. You can’t do better on Easter than have your ducks all in a row.

Of course, I wonder how this guy managed to get smaller and smaller ducks. It's like a rubber ducky nesting doll.

Of course, I wonder how this guy managed to get smaller and smaller ducks. It’s like a rubber ducky nesting doll.

75. Now these flowers on this hat make you wonder if she paid a visit to the Mad Hatter.

Now these flowers seem like they're from out of this world. Oh, yes, I forget they're plastic and probably made for cemeteries.

Now these flowers seem like they’re from out of this world. Oh, yes, I forget they’re plastic and probably made for cemeteries.

76. With flowers and butterflies, you can’t do much better.

If these were real, they'd certainly be overdoing it on the Miracle Gro. Still, you have to hand it to the person who designed this.

If these were real, they’d certainly be overdoing it on the Miracle Gro. Still, you have to hand it to the person who designed this.

77. Nothing makes an Easter bonnet work like one depicting a bunny and a chicken?

I bet you that chicken is probably taxidermy. I mean it almost looks quite real if you ask me.

I bet you that chicken is probably taxidermy. I mean it almost looks quite real if you ask me.

78. When it comes to Easter bonnets, some couples feel the need to match.

And it seems no different for the king and queen of the Tropicana pineapple kingdom they rule together (okay, this is just a joke but please their hats are outrageous).

And it seems no different for the king and queen of the Tropicana pineapple kingdom they rule together (okay, this is just a joke but please their hats are outrageous).

79. Nothing makes a great Easter bonnet than one of a hatching chick from its egg.

I don't know about you but I think this chick's wings are away out of proportion to its body. Just saying.

I don’t know about you but I think this chick’s wings are away out of proportion to its body. Just saying.

80. Easter Bunny Bot would like to wish everyone a very Happy Easter.

Now I don't know about you but it seems the Easter Bunny Bot is either  the Easter Bunny's robotic assistant or from a different planet entirely.

Now I don’t know about you but it seems the Easter Bunny Bot is either the Easter Bunny’s robotic assistant or from a different planet entirely.

Easter Cakes

ideas_for_an_easter_cake

Easter is among a handful of holidays that features cakes and other pastries. My family usually has a bunny cake to celebrate Easter with since there a lot of kids and easy to make. Yet, you also have other motifs such as eggs, chicks, baskets, and flowers. Some may take a more religious motif such as crosses and an empty tomb. Yes, Easter is the time for such cute and colorful confections associated with spring and the resurrection. Now I can go on and on about the lovely professionally made cakes out there. But I know that none of you would be interested since those cakes won’t be worth making fun of. Instead, I’ll compile a post pertaining to some of the great caketastrophes mostly because many of them are unintentionally funny as well as fun to laugh at. Now these cakes are professionally made which you’d find in a store. So for your pleasure, here are some of the great Easter cake blunders that would make Peter Rabbit puke.

1. We begin with the celebration of new life as a chick emerges from its shell.

Okay, I know real chicks aren't cute and fluffy when just out of the egg. Yet, this one seems to induce nightmares.

Okay, I know real chicks aren’t cute and fluffy when just out of the egg. Yet, this one seems to induce nightmares.

2. Of course, you can’t do anything wrong with a basket cake.

Now that's a real basket case if you ask me. More like a muppet with roses instead of eyes. Of course, he can't really smell the roses for he's wearing rose colored glasses.

Now that’s a real basket case if you ask me. More like a muppet with roses instead of eyes. Of course, he can’t really smell the roses for he’s wearing rose colored glasses. Also, how long did this decorator realize that this cake was upside down?

3. When it comes to whether the chicken or the egg came first, this baker has the answer.

So it was the chicken sperm that came first. Definitely not age appropriate material for an Easter cake, especially in a family setting.

So it was the chicken sperm that came first. Definitely not age appropriate material for an Easter cake, especially in a family setting.

4. For those more religiously inclined, this Easter cross is for you.

You call that a cross? Seriously, how hard is it to mess up on a cross cake. I mean that's just ungodly hideous for God's sake.

You call that a cross? Seriously, how hard is it to mess up on a cross cake. I mean that’s just ungodly hideous for God’s sake.

5. For those who love Easter and Angry Birds, this is the cake for you.

Of course, green pigs might want to stay away from this one. Nevertheless, she's bringing sexy quack.

Of course, green pigs might want to stay away from this one. Nevertheless, she’s bringing sexy quack.

6. Now we get to bunny cakes, hope nothing can go wrong with that.

Spiked whiskers? That's just freaky. Seriously, couldn't they use a different kind of icing for that?

Spiked whiskers? That’s just freaky. Seriously, couldn’t they use a different kind of icing for that?

7. Happy Easter from the chick with the chipmunk cheeks.

And from what I can tell, he seems quite amazed by all the food in his midst. Oh, I forgot, he is food.

And from what I can tell, he seems quite amazed by all the food in his midst. Oh, I forgot, he is food.

8. Once upon a time, a group of bunny rabbits found a field filled with the most enormous carrots.

Unfortunately, the field was located near the Waltz Mill Westinghouse nuclear power plant which experienced a major meltdown during the 1970s. Let's just say it really messed up a lot of rabbit genetics and leave it at that.

Unfortunately, the field was located near the Waltz Mill Westinghouse nuclear power plant which experienced a major meltdown during the 1970s. Let’s just say it really messed up a lot of rabbit genetics and leave it at that.

9. Happy Easter from Angry Big Bird.

Sorry, kids, but you've come at a really bad time to ask Big Bird on how to get to Sesame Street. Seriously, you don't want to see him when he's angry.

Sorry, kids, but you’ve come at a really bad time to ask Big Bird on how to get to Sesame Street. Seriously, you don’t want to see him when he’s angry.

10. Nothing says Easter like a field of giant carrots rising up and eating all the bunnies.

Seriously, since when did anyone think of cupcakes depicting bunny eating carrots would be great for Easter? I mean was this decorator on drugs?

Seriously, since when did anyone think of cupcakes depicting bunny eating carrots would be great for Easter? I mean was this decorator on drugs?

11. Happy Easter from the Snidely Whiplash bunny with twist ties on its neck.

I'd really hate to see what this bunny is up to. Seems like it wants to tie somebody on the railroad tracks while in sight of an oncoming train.

I’d really hate to see what this bunny is up to. Seems like it wants to tie somebody on the railroad tracks while in sight of an oncoming train.

12. Rejoice and be glad! For He has risen! Or not.

Since when is an RIP tombstone an appropriate motif for an Easter cake. I mean those who know about Jesus know his tomb resembled a small cave, not something you'd see in a cemetery.

Since when is an RIP tombstone an appropriate motif for an Easter cake. I mean those who know about Jesus know his tomb resembled a small cave, not something you’d see in a cemetery.

13. This little chick must watch out or else be Pac-Man’s supper.

Okay, I know this is supposed to be a cake depicting a chick hatching from an egg. Yet, this more or less looks like a decorated Pac Man gone rogue for some reason.

Okay, I know this is supposed to be a cake depicting a chick hatching from an egg. Yet, this more or less looks like a decorated Pac Man gone rogue for some reason.

14. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a lamb cake this Easter Season.

Yet, this one somehow manages to get impaled with an American flag. How adorable! Not. I'd hate to see the national implications there.

Yet, this one somehow manages to get impaled with an American flag. How adorable! Not. I’d hate to see the national implications there.

15. Of course, while lambs are seen as tranquil and innocent animals, this isn’t always the case.

Apparently, this lamb saw other lambs smoking and thought it was cool. Of course, little did it know it would lead to lungs filled with tar, on the other hand.

Apparently, this lamb saw other lambs smoking and thought it was cool. Of course, little did it know it would lead to lungs filled with tar, on the other hand.

16. Of course, if you don’t like animals, then Easter egg cakes are a viable choice.

Then again, perhaps Easter isn't the time of year that calls for cakes with subliminal imagery, especially for events with kids around. They may not understand.

Then again, perhaps Easter isn’t the time of year that calls for cakes with subliminal imagery, especially for events with kids around. They may not understand.

17. Happy Easter and all bow down to the dreaded Easter Bunny holding the sacred carrots.

Abandon all hope for ye who enter here. Boy, I think someone might want to call the Bunny exorcist here because this rabbit seems possessed.

Abandon all hope for ye who enter here. Boy, I think someone might want to call the Bunny exorcist here because this rabbit seems possessed.

18. Seems like the Easter Bunny needs to trim his claws before he scares the children away.

Recounting the rabbit's face, this won't happen anytime soon. Also needs to do something about that hump.

Recounting the rabbit’s face, this won’t happen anytime soon. Also needs to do something about that hump.

19. Happy Easter from the bunny who wants to hop in and bite your face off.

Yes, this rabbit seems like the kind to give you nightmares. You might want to have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in handy, just in case.

Yes, this rabbit seems like the kind to give you nightmares. You might want to have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in handy, just in case.

20. Happy Easter from the newly hatched chick from an Easter egg.

Reminds me of what the Genie said in Aladdin, "PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!! Itty bitty living space." Also, don't like the look on that chick's face.

Reminds me of what the Genie said in Aladdin, “PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS!! Itty bitty living space.” Also, don’t like the look on that chick’s face.

21. Evil Easter Bunny bestows his greetings. So hop to it or else.

I don't know about you, but perhaps using jelly beans for facial features may not be a good idea. Seriously, this bunny looks more like a hare out of Hell.

I don’t know about you, but perhaps using jelly beans for facial features may not be a good idea. Seriously, this bunny looks more like a hare out of Hell.

22. I’m sure an Easter bunny cookie cake would make a great dessert for the whole family.

I don't know about you but there's something odd about that bunny that greatly disturbs me. Perhaps it's rising to the occasion or bursting forth with glorious song if you know what I mean.

I don’t know about you but there’s something odd about that bunny that greatly disturbs me. Perhaps it’s rising to the occasion or bursting forth with glorious song if you know what I mean.

23. Happy Easter courtesy of the Incredible Hulk Chick.

Seems like the gamma rays really spread to the barnyard variety have they? Nevertheless, the only way you can tell it's supposed to be the chick is due to the plastic.

Seems like the gamma rays really spread to the barnyard variety have they? Nevertheless, the only way you can tell it’s supposed to be the chick is due to the plastic.

24. Nothing commemorates Jesus’ resurrection like splattery tie dye and carrots on the cross.

Well, a tie dye resurrection cake could be all rights when it pertains to a theatrical celebration of Jesus Christ: Superstar. As with the carrots, well, they're not cruciferous vegetables.

Well, a tie dye resurrection cake could be all rights when it pertains to a theatrical celebration of Jesus Christ: Superstar. As with the carrots, well, they’re not cruciferous vegetables.

25. Easter egg or a slice of giant old pepperoni?

Well, it's hard to say but judging by how the dotted orange egg isn't a great oval, I'd go with the old pepperoni.

Well, it’s hard to say but judging by how the dotted orange egg isn’t a great oval, I’d go with the old pepperoni.

26. Of course, when it comes to eggs, their simple oval shape shouldn’t be difficult to depict on a cake.

Wait a minute. That's no Easter egg. That's an Easter themed Christmas tree. Seriously, apparently who ever made this cake doesn't seem to understand basic geometry.

Wait a minute. That’s no Easter egg. That’s an Easter themed Christmas tree. Seriously, apparently who ever made this cake doesn’t seem to understand basic geometry.

27. We all know that the Easter Bunny delivers eggs to children at Easter but did you know he also has his own carrot car?

Then again, this might not be a great artistic rendition. Also, why does the Easter Bunny have a mustache in this and carries an expression as if he's been in an accident?

Then again, this might not be a great artistic rendition. Also, why does the Easter Bunny have a mustache in this and carries an expression as if he’s been in an accident?

28. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, Electro Egg.

Yes, this is Electro Egg. And by the look of his face, someone is bound for a shocker, literally.

Yes, this is Electro Egg. And by the look of his face, someone is bound for a shocker, literally.

29. Happy Easter from the cutest yellow chick from your nightmares!

Now the more you look at this chick the creepier it looks for some reason. Seriously, it's freaking me out right now.

Now the more you look at this chick the creepier it looks for some reason. Seriously, it’s freaking me out right now.

30. This cake depicts a chick because we all know it’s one of the few Easter animals that say, “Peep Peep.”

Yet, from how I see it, it seems like a freakish yellow seahorse to me. Or possibly a weird banana with eyes or a swan. Then again, it may well be an alien from outer space for all we know.

Yet, from how I see it, it seems like a freakish yellow seahorse to me. Or possibly a weird banana with eyes or a swan. Then again, it may well be an alien from outer space for all we know.

31. Happy Easter from the -wait a minute are those, boobs? What happened to its arms then?

Now I know that the decorator intended those to be arms. Yet, when you look at it, you have to wonder whether such confection is appropriate for children.

Now I know that the decorator intended those to be arms. Yet, when you look at it, you have to wonder whether such confection is appropriate for children.

32. Behold, all hail our Cute Overlord, Moldy Puffs Pickle-Ears.

Is it just me or do green Easter Bunny cakes just seem disgusting to you? Well, it does to me and I don't think this bunny's thoughts are all that innocent.

Is it just me or do green Easter Bunny cakes just seem disgusting to you? Well, it does to me and I don’t think this bunny’s thoughts are all that innocent.

33. Nothing says Easter than a cake with a volcano design.

Hate to imagine what that bunny is doing to that egg. Nevertheless, why use a volcano cake for Easter? Oh, it's supposed to be an egg, but I'm not sure if I can believe that.

Hate to imagine what that bunny is doing to that egg. Nevertheless, why use a volcano cake for Easter? Oh, it’s supposed to be an egg, but I’m not sure if I can believe that.

34. May I present to you the Easter, what the hell is this?

Now I know this is supposed to be an Easter cake since it contains spring motifs like bunnies and flowers. Yet, I don't know if I can tell whether this is a stool or a Shinto shrine.

Now I know this is supposed to be an Easter cake since it contains spring motifs like bunnies and flowers. Yet, I don’t know if I can tell whether this is a stool or a Shinto shrine.

35. Nothing says Easter like a chick who can’t quite get out of its Easter egg.

Apparently, this decorator should've just stuck with the egg and left it at that. Having a chick come out of it is all the more disturbing for some reason.

Apparently, this decorator should’ve just stuck with the egg and left it at that. Having a chick come out of it is all the more disturbing for some reason.

36. Happy Easter from your beloved Easter Bunny from Hell!

Seems like this cake decorator had some traumatic encounter with a costumed Easter Bunny as a kid at the mall. Totally understandable but this doesn't stop such image from haunting children's dreams.

Seems like this cake decorator had some traumatic encounter with a costumed Easter Bunny as a kid at the mall. Totally understandable but this doesn’t stop such image from haunting children’s dreams.

37. Though we all know that Easter commemorates Jesus’ resurrection, but did you know that there were two bunnies holding eggs near the cross during his crucifixion?

Yes, I know the Cross is a popular Easter motif as well as bunnies and eggs. But just because some symbols may belong on the same holiday doesn't mean they go together. I mean there's a reason why we don't include Santa in the nativity scene on Christmas for God's sake.

Yes, I know the Cross is a popular Easter motif as well as bunnies and eggs. But just because some symbols may belong on the same holiday doesn’t mean they go together. I mean there’s a reason why we don’t include Santa in the nativity scene on Christmas for God’s sake.

38. While Lambs are supposed to be sweet and innocent, this lamb is a whole different story.

Yes, this lamb may be young and spring born. But it seems to have murder on the mind and is probably the black sheep of the family in a metaphorical sense.

Yes, this lamb may be young and spring born. But it seems to have murder on the mind and is probably the black sheep of the family in a metaphorical sense.

39. Nothing says Easter than a cake depicting a rabbit from a science experiment gone bad.

Okay, this cake was decorated by a person who A. has never seen a rabbit, B. is on drugs, C. was influenced by drawings of Dr. Seuss or other weird illustrators, or D. all of the above.

Okay, this cake was decorated by a person who A. has never seen a rabbit, B. is on drugs, C. was influenced by drawings of Dr. Seuss or other weird illustrators, or D. all of the above.

40. I now give you, Bunny Bugs.

I'm not sure why the decorator thought such concept was a good idea. They just look like pink worms with bunny heads. Disgusting.

I’m not sure why the decorator thought such concept was a good idea. They just look like pink worms with bunny heads. Disgusting.

41. Since Jesus is the Lamb of God, then it’s only fitting to have a lamb on the cross.

Now how in the hell is that a cross? If not, then what the hell is it? Then again, it reminds me of something but I'm not sure if this is the kind of post to disclose it.

Now how in the hell is that a cross? If not, then what the hell is it? Then again, it reminds me of something but I’m not sure if this is the kind of post to disclose it.

42. Nothing says Easter like, cookies of gingerbread men?

Of course, Easter does revolve around the themes of resurrection and new life so it's only fitting. The gingerbread men represent the decaying corpses on the ground while the carrot and rabbit symbolize the new life coming out from them.

Of course, Easter does revolve around the themes of resurrection and new life so it’s only fitting. The gingerbread men represent the decaying corpses on the ground while the carrot and rabbit symbolize the new life coming out from them.

43. You can’t celebrate Easter without a cake of the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.

Sure it may seem like a harmless bunny but as Tim the Enchanter said, "That's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!" Make sure you have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in handy.

Sure it may seem like a harmless bunny but as Tim the Enchanter said, “That’s no ordinary rabbit! That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!” Make sure you have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch in handy.

44. Nothing says Easter like a cake depicting a cross of green.

Oh, my bad, that's Saint Patrick's Day. Of course, while the Saint Paddy's motifs are obvious, it apparently didn't sell by  March 17. So it's marketed as an Easter cake instead.

Oh, my bad, that’s Saint Patrick’s Day. Of course, while the Saint Paddy’s motifs are obvious, it apparently didn’t sell by March 17. So it’s marketed as an Easter cake instead.

45. Of course, you can’t have Easter without a cake depicting a rabbit’s posterior in its natural habitat.

Let's just say, I don't understand the appeal of butt cakes and never will. Still, where's the rest of the rabbit for God's sake?

Let’s just say, I don’t understand the appeal of butt cakes and never will. Still, where’s the rest of the rabbit for God’s sake?

Hippity, Hoppity, Sketchy Easter Bunnies on Their Way

evil-easter-bunny-10

Okay, Easter isn’t quite like Christmas or anywhere close. I mean Easter revolves around bunnies and eggs as well as celebrates Jesus’ resurrection. Sure there are gifts in baskets as well as candy but it’s nothing compared to Christmas. But this doesn’t stop some people from trying to make it like a spring version of the winter yuletide holiday. And instead of a white bearded guy in a red suit, you have the Easter Bunny who’s depicted as someone wearing a bunny costume like you’d see at a furry convention. In fact, a costumed Easter Bunny is probably a furry underneath those over-sized rabbit ears and cotton tail. However, though rabbits are adorable animals, there’s nothing cute about an adult wearing an animal costume, no matter how adorable the animal is in question. But this doesn’t stop parents from having their kids pose with these costumed monstrosities, sometimes compelling children to wish they could sit on the creepy mall Santa’s lap. In this post, you will see some of the most terrifying Easter Bunnies imaginable which have incite terrors into children more than the one from Donnie Darko or the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (well, I’m not sure about that but it managed to scare off a bunch of knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail). So for your reading pleasure, here is an assortment of Easter Bunnies who might be more terrifying than a crucified man since such costumed bunnies are walking, talking nightmares of soul scarring horror. Some material may not be safe for work.

1. “Could you take this child, please? I’m late for a bank robbery.”

This little girl doesn't look too happy here. Of course, if I were her, I'd probably feel the same way.

This little girl doesn’t look too happy here. Of course, if I were her, I’d probably feel the same way.

2. These eyes are empty and only reveal that this rabbit has no soul.

I know this is supposed to be a bunny. But it also seems like it's from a different world or in another dimension. Yet, it seems to have murder on the mind. That little girl better watch it.

I know this is supposed to be a bunny. But it also seems like it’s from a different world or in another dimension. Yet, it seems to have murder on the mind. That little girl better watch it.

3. “Mommy, get me off him! He wants to eat me!”

Painfully this little girl cries like there's no tomorrow as this Easter Bunny is already looking for his next victim. Those blue eyes only desire the sweet blood of children.

Painfully this little girl cries like there’s no tomorrow as this Easter Bunny is already looking for his next victim. Those blue eyes only desire the sweet blood of children.

4. What are you waiting for, girl? You have roller blades and joint pads so go before the giant long furry Peter Cottontail tries to get you! Your life depends on it.

I don't like the look on that bunny's face. You can already tell he's at that roller skating rink eying at the small, slow ones.

I don’t like the look on that bunny’s face. You can already tell he’s at that roller skating rink eying at the small, slow ones.

5. Sometimes people have their pets pose with the Easter Bunny instead of their children.

Those are actually just whiskers. His mouth is the part that's salivating over the dog he's about to swallow whole. I don't want to think about it. Seems like PETA will never hear the end of it.

Those are actually just whiskers. His mouth is the part that’s salivating over the dog he’s about to swallow whole. I don’t want to think about it. Seems like PETA will never hear the end of it.

6. “If you want me to deliver your Easter basket, I’ll need that alarm code.”

Little girl, run away and never return. Seriously, that bunny's nothing but bad news from the look in his eyes that bear no trace of kindness to any living creature.

Little girl, run away and never return. Seriously, that bunny’s nothing but bad news from the look in his eyes that bear no trace of kindness to any living creature.

7. “We’re going to have a lot of fun together.” (followed by evil maniacal laugh).

Seems like the rabbit is thinking, "I didn't know they came in chocolate varieties. Looks delicious."

Seems like the rabbit is thinking, “I didn’t know they came in chocolate varieties. Looks delicious.” Sorry, NAACP, I was just trying to say it from the rabbit’s point of view.

8. “What do you know? A double pack.”

Man, this bunny sure seems happy but not in a good way. Don't want to be those girls on his lap.

Man, this bunny sure seems happy but not in a good way. Don’t want to be those girls on his lap.

9. “Have you ever seen the inside of a windowless van?”

This girl sitting on his lap doesn't seem to be crying. Either she's very brave or really has no idea of what that bunny has in store for her.

This girl sitting on his lap doesn’t seem to be crying. Either she’s very brave or really has no idea of what that bunny has in store for her.

10. “Mommy, no! Please, come back, Mommy! I’ll be good, I promise! Anything but the Easter Bunny, please!”

Behold, the expressionless face of an unrepentent monster. Seriously,spare him his life from this monstrosity!

Behold, the expressionless face of an unrepentent monster. Seriously,spare him his life from this monstrosity!

11. Behold, the ferocious bunny slasher! It’s prey: children, sweet innocent children.

Even by Easter Bunny standards, those eyes are demonic. No wonder he spends most of this time hidden among the bushes, waiting for some unsuspecting kid to drop by.

Even by Easter Bunny standards, those eyes are demonic. No wonder he spends most of this time hidden among the bushes, waiting for some unsuspecting kid to drop by. Also, is that blood?

12. This lovely lady bunny from Crayola seems to be pulling off the crying Tammy Faye Bakker look with her eyelashes. Her lashes are so lush they turn the whole eye black.

And, yes, it seems like this lady bunny appears to have the makings of either a makeup contract or a slasher horror movie in which she plays the one killing everyone.

And, yes, it seems like this lady bunny appears to have the makings of either a makeup contract or a slasher horror movie in which she plays the one killing everyone.

13. “Prisoner 49581, please submit yourself to The Bunny. Prisoner 49581 to The Bunny.”

Hey, it could be worse, kid, at least you're way too young to be eligible for the Hunger Games. Even so, I have a bad feeling about this situation.

Hey, it could be worse, kid, at least you’re way too young to be eligible for the Hunger Games. Even so, I have a bad feeling about this situation.

14. As if Easter Bunnies look scary enough with kids, they even look creepier alone.

"Welcome to my humble abode, would you like some of my carrot and children stew? Got the recipe from a cookbook by one Dr. Hannibal Lecter."

“Welcome to my humble abode, would you like some of my carrot and children stew? Got the recipe from a cookbook by one Dr. Hannibal Lecter.”

15. “After I give them their eggs, I am taking them back to my planet with me.”

After this photo was taken Eric and Dylan Pasternak were never seen again. We're not sure of what happened to them.

After this photo was taken Eric and Dylan Pasternak were never seen again. We’re not sure of what happened to them or whether they’re still alive.

16. Some parents may make their kids have a picture with the Easter Bunny. Then there are some defying them because they can smell terror.

Run, girl, run for your life. Save yourself while you still can. We all know him giving out eggs with candy in them is just an act.

Run, girl, run for your life. Save yourself while you still can. We all know him giving out eggs with candy in them is just a way to lure children. Of course, he might just be giving her a head start. Some Easter Bunnies just love the sport of the hunt.

17. Of course, we all don’t know what happened to the Kray boys but according to this picture, it seems that he started to nibble on them when someone took this photo.

Lord knows whether these boys' parents are haunted by their screams of, "Don't eat me! Don't eat me!" The horror, the horror.

Lord knows whether these boys’ parents are haunted by their screams of, “Don’t eat me! Don’t eat me!” The horror, the horror.

18. “The child is one of us now.”

And after that, little Timmy was never seen again. His parents are still looking for him.

And after that, little Timmy was never seen again. His parents are still looking for him to this day but they’re beyond all hope finding him.

19. “Mmmmm….this little girl’s hand just tastes scrumptious. I wonder what the rest of her tastes like.”

I have a bad feeling about this situation. I'm sure little Susie is spending a lifetime in therapy by now, if she ever survived. If she did, not sure about the hand.

I have a bad feeling about this situation. I’m sure little Susie is spending a lifetime in therapy by now, if she ever survived. If she did, not sure about the hand.

20. Before Chuck E. Cheese was a mouse, he was a rabbit. Yet, the kids just didn’t seem to warm up to him as a bunny for some reason.

Yeah, I have to agree. As much as I think the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese and all his friends are, they're not nearly as terrifying as this guy.

Yeah, I have to agree. As much as I think the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese and all his friends are, they’re not nearly as terrifying as this guy.

21. “I love babies. Love how they’re so innocent and helpless, which makes them easy prey.”

Baby Ava's parents should just scoop her up quick or else, she might end up as Peter Cottontail's next meal by the looks of it.

Baby Ava’s parents should just scoop her up quick or else, she might end up as Peter Cottontail’s next meal by the looks of it.

22. “So which one of you bitches is coming back to my place tonight?”

While some Easter Bunnies are after the innocent blood of the children, others are just plain perverts who want young women to show them their tits.

While some Easter Bunnies are after the innocent blood of the children, others are just plain perverts who want young women to show them their tits.

23. “I have you now, my pretties.”

This Easter Bunny seems so happy but not in a good way. Seems to enjoy the smell of sweet innocents in the morning.

This Easter Bunny seems so happy but not in a good way. Seems to enjoy the smell of sweet innocents in the morning.

24. Little did Sally and Andy know that there was a giant pink monster behind them.

Maybe it's best to leave the two blissfully unaware of the pink monster gaining up on them. And I certainly don't like the look in his eyes.

Maybe it’s best to leave the two blissfully unaware of the pink monster gaining up on them. And I certainly don’t like the look in his eyes.

25. Easter Bunny or horror movie monster?

I know it's supposed to be a rabbit but it seems that this Easter Bunny seems A. on meth, B. has a day job as a franchise horror movie villain, C. has had his Easter Bunny costume made by someone who thinks he's some burned out rabbit drug fiend, or D. all of the above.

I know it’s supposed to be a rabbit but it seems that this Easter Bunny seems A. on meth, B. has a day job as a franchise horror movie villain, C. has had his Easter Bunny costume made by someone who thinks he’s some burned out rabbit drug fiend, or D. all of the above.

26. “Note to self: perhaps mixing alfalfa with the gin and tonic is probably not a good idea.”

Yeah, that bunny seems to have ventured too far into the pot patch by the looks of it. Either that, or she seems as if she's had a few too many.

Yeah, that bunny seems to have ventured too far into the pot patch by the looks of it. Either that, or she seems as if she’s had a few too many.

27. “Mmmm…I seem to have an acquired taste for little girls. So tasty.”

Tragically, Little Jessica was never seen again after this. Her parents are still looking for her and have started working to keep Easter Bunnies out of playgrounds.

Tragically, Little Jessica was never seen again after this. Her parents are still looking for her and have started working to keep Easter Bunnies out of playgrounds.

28. “Come and play with me, little girl.”

I don't like the look on that bunny's face. I mean it's just as if he wants to have her for dinner in the Donner Party sense. Seems like this little girl doesn't know what she's up against.

I don’t like the look on that bunny’s face. I mean it’s just as if he wants to have her for dinner in the Donner Party sense. Seems like this little girl doesn’t know what she’s up against.

29. Man, this girl must be very brave to keep a straight face while on that Easter Bunny’s lap.

In the words of Tim the Enchanter, "Death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth..."

In the words of Tim the Enchanter, “Death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth…” Also, don’t like the hand placement by the looks of it.

30. Before he had a successful career in movies and played Nucky Thompson in the Emmy-Award winning HBO series Boardwalk Empire, Steve Buscemi would occasionally fill in as an Easter Bunny ast the mall.

Of course, this was how he was discovered by the Coen Brothers who cast him as a villain in several of their films from the 1990s.

Of course, this was how he was discovered by the Coen Brothers who cast him as a villain in several of their films from the 1990s.

31. May I introduce you to the Easter Bunny and his friend Butch. At least I think it’s his friend. Please, be his friend.

"Time for our 12 o'clock paddy cake, tiger." For those who've seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, you might know what I'm implying.

“Time for our 12 o’clock paddy cake, tiger.” For those who’ve seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, you might know what I’m implying.

32. “Okay, kids, remember what I showed you about how to open a locked car without a key.”

Man, I don't know about you but this Easter Bunny seems like a very bad role model by the looks of it. Please don't trust him with your kids.

Man, I don’t know about you but this Easter Bunny seems like a very bad role model by the looks of it. Please don’t trust him with your kids.

33. Don’t look now, but I think the bunny has just grabbed some unsuspecting kid.

Seriously, that boy must be on something since nobody smiles when a giant ferocious Easter Bunny puts their arms around them before dragging them to their untimely deaths.

Seriously, that boy must be on something since nobody smiles when a giant ferocious Easter Bunny puts their arms around them before dragging them to their untimely deaths.

34. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the Velveteen Rabbit, from Hell!

Man, and you thought today's costumed Easter Bunnies were horrifying. I mean just look at its souless eyes and long gnashing teeth.

Man, and you thought today’s costumed Easter Bunnies were horrifying. I mean just look at its soulless eyes and long gnashing teeth.

35. Allow me to introduce to you the Easter Bunny and his penguin pal.

I can bet this boy is wetting his pants as we speak. And from the looks of it, I can't decide which one I'd rather sit on for they're both equally nightmare inducing.

I can bet this boy is wetting his pants as we speak. And from the looks of it, I can’t decide which one I’d rather sit on for they’re both equally nightmare inducing.

36. Little does this little boy know about the bespeckled horror behind him.

Mall security, I think we may need a higher and fuller fence. Else, risk a full frontal assault because that rabbit's dynamite.

Mall security, I think we may need a higher and fuller fence. Else, risk a full frontal assault because that rabbit’s dynamite.

37. Of course, delivering eggs to all those kids is exhausting work.

Man, and you thought the Easter Bunny is supposed to be a good role model for children. Don't let those kids catch you with those cigarettes and booze.

Man, and you thought the Easter Bunny is supposed to be a good role model for children. Don’t let those kids catch you with those cigarettes and booze.

38. When not traumatizing kids at the mall, they are hanging out at the Easter office party.

Man, this bunny is just creepy as hell. Bet the woman is just smiling because she's being promised a raise. Yet, this one is guaranteed to devour your soul if you don't get back to work.

Man, this bunny is just creepy as hell. Bet the woman is just smiling because she’s being promised a raise. Yet, this one is guaranteed to devour your soul if you don’t get back to work.

39. Behold, nobody is safe from the attack of Peter Rabbit.

And it seems that this Peter Rabbit seems to find nourishment in the tears of sweet innocent children. Oh, the humanity!

And it seems that this Peter Rabbit seems to find nourishment in the tears of sweet innocent children. Oh, the humanity!

40. Easter Bunny or slasher horror movie villain?

Man, had no idea that homemade paper masks can be so terrifying, especially for a rabbit costume. I wonder what became of those kids.

Man, had no idea that homemade paper masks can be so terrifying, especially for a rabbit costume. I wonder what became of those kids.

41. “I think her liver will go just fine with some fava beans and a fine Chianti.”

This girl on the Bunny's lap is taking this photo op quite well. Yet, this Flopsy seems to have murder on the mind.

This girl on the Bunny’s lap is taking this photo op quite well. Yet, this Flopsy seems to have murder on the mind.

42. Behold, well dressed chocolate bunny on the street.

Okay, not only is this chocolate bunny seems like a substitute teacher from your nightmares, it's actually quite offensive if you see that it's a white guy without makeup, especially without the bunny ears.

Okay, not only is this chocolate bunny seems like a substitute teacher from your nightmares, it’s actually quite offensive if you see that it’s a white guy without makeup, especially without the bunny ears.

43. “If you don’t give me your Social Security number, the number on your bank account and credit cards, and your home alarm code, then you might as well kiss your precious children goodbye.”

Of course, this is the kind of picture you'd send along with a ransom note. Still, this bunny's eyes bear no soul at all.

Of course, this is the kind of picture you’d send along with a ransom note. Still, this bunny’s eyes bear no soul at all.

44. I’m sure having an Easter Bunny dressed as a granny won’t traumatize the kiddies a bit.

Ooops, I was wrong. Still enough to give this little boy nightmares who seems resigned to his inevitable fate at the moment.

Ooops, I was wrong. Still enough to give this little boy nightmares who seems resigned to his inevitable fate at the moment.

45. Easter Bunny or mascot for a fiberglass insulation company?

Of course, I'm not sure if that makes any difference for it seems like this creature seems too cute for a haunted house and too creepy for anything else.

Of course, I’m not sure if that makes any difference for it seems like this creature seems too cute for a haunted house and too creepy for anything else.

46. “I just love it when they scream.”

Because nothing replenishes an Easter Bunny like screams of horror from innocent helpless children.

Because nothing replenishes an Easter Bunny like screams of horror from innocent helpless children.

47. When the Easter Bunny grabbed her basket, suddenly egg hunting didn’t seem like a great idea for little Abigail.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to go egg hunting with this Easter Bunny either, especially one that's likely to appear in children's nightmares.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to go egg hunting with this Easter Bunny either, especially one that’s likely to appear in children’s nightmares.

48. “You can have her, just please stop looking at us like that.

I'd hate to know what this nefariously pink Peter Cottontail has on his mind. Oh, yes, he's pure evil as you can see in his eyes.

I’d hate to know what this nefariously pink Peter Cottontail has on his mind. Oh, yes, he’s pure evil as you can see in his eyes.

49. Hmm…seems like this Easter Bunny really doesn’t know how to behave during a beauty pageant photo-op.

And the fact he's looking down on a beauty queen who's at least a pre-teen makes this picture all the more cringe worthy.

And the fact he’s looking down on a beauty queen who’s at least a pre-teen makes this picture all the more cringe worthy.

50. I can’t tell whether this bunny is dead or just resting.

Did it just die? Get the kid, he's on a dead bunny! Of course, I also don't like how this bunny has his arm on the boy in this picture. Seriously, why?

Did it just die? Get the kid, he’s on a dead bunny! Of course, I also don’t like how this bunny has his arm on the boy in this picture. Seriously, why?

51. Now that’s now bunny. That’s a giant white sentient peep.

And as a peep, his insides just consist of a concoction of inedible marshmallow and sugar filled with straight up maliciousness.

And as a peep, his insides just consist of a concoction of inedible marshmallow and sugar filled with straight up maliciousness.

52. Either this boy is sitting on the Easter Bunny’s lap or this is a still from a lost Twilight Zone episode that depicted a giant, raging, rabbit psychokiller that preys especially on children.

Either way, this poor boy will have to spend a lifetime of therapy sessions, if he ever survived his encounter. Seriously, that bunny is just horrifying beyond all reason.

Either way, this poor boy will have to spend a lifetime of therapy sessions, if he ever survived his encounter. Seriously, that bunny is just horrifying beyond all reason.

53. Either this Easter Bunny is trying to eat the dog or possibly commit unspeakable acts with it.

Either way, I really don't want to know. Someone please call animal control and remove this creepy rabbit from the premises.

Either way, I really don’t want to know. Someone please call animal control and remove this creepy rabbit from the premises.

54. Unable to wriggle free, the child grimly accepts his fate.

Man, this lady bunny seems to have used way too much eyeliner for some reason. Seriously, that's not cute. That's nightmare inducing terror.

Man, this lady bunny seems to have used way too much eyeliner for some reason. Seriously, that’s not cute. That’s nightmare inducing terror.

55. “Don’t cry running from me, little girl. You parents haven’t paid the ransom yet.”

Since when does an "abduction motif" make for a memorable Easter photo? This is utterly fucked up beyond all imagination? Seriously, why?

Since when does an “abduction motif” make for a memorable Easter photo? This is utterly fucked up beyond all imagination? Seriously, why?

56. Of course, if it weren’t for the drug charges, Cottontail would still be taking photo ops with children instead of dogs.

"Dude, I can totally go for some of those leafy vegetables in Mr. MacGregor's rad basement right now. Of course, eating them makes me so hungry and tripping balls."

“Dude, I can totally go for some of those leafy vegetables in Mr. MacGregor’s rad basement right now. Of course, eating them makes me so hungry and tripping balls.”

57. Of course, Larry decided to work as an Easter Bunny after he accidentally bleached his Bigfoot costume.

Yeah, that totally looks like a white rabbit. Well, the ears at least. Not sure about the rest of him. Seems more like a monster you'd have if the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland mated with Chewbacca.

Yeah, that totally looks like a white rabbit. Well, the ears at least. Not sure about the rest of him. Seems more like a monster you’d have if the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland mated with Chewbacca.

58. “Hey, kid, touch my carrot, will you?”

Due to the unfortunate carrot placement and the creepy look on that bunny's face, then no, kid. Absolutely not. Just run away like hell, kid. Seriously, you don't want to know what this bunny is up to.

Due to the unfortunate carrot placement and the creepy look on that bunny’s face, then no, kid. Absolutely not. Just run away like hell, kid. Seriously, you don’t want to know what this bunny is up to.

59. Don’t look now, but I don’t think this bunny is doing anything lawful on the premises.

If you see an Easter Bunny that looks like this on your lawn, you might want to call the cops in your area. Seriously, do it before he steals something.

If you see an Easter Bunny that looks like this on your lawn, you might want to call the cops in your area. Seriously, do it before he steals something like your car keys.

60. “Mind if I cut in, ladies?”

Sure these women may be smiling but there's something not right about this bunny's facial expression. I mean he just seems to have a face of someone subject to a sexual harassment lawsuit.

Sure these women may be smiling but there’s something not right about this bunny’s facial expression. I mean he just seems to have a face of someone subject to a sexual harassment lawsuit.

61. Of course, it isn’t uncommon for some Easter Bunnies to visit retirement homes.

Now this old lady is like, "Back off, boy, or I'll put you in a world by running over you with my walker. Kepeche?"

Now this old lady is like, “Back off, boy, or I’ll put you in a world by running over you with my walker. Kepeche?”

62. “I am the easter bunny dammit, respect me or I eat the child.”

And looking at his evil, soulless, eyes, I don't think he's kidding. And I'm not sure if this boy is aware of what's going on.

And looking at his evil, soulless, eyes, I don’t think he’s kidding. And I’m not sure if this boy is aware of what’s going on.

63. What’s odd about this Easter Bunny is that he doesn’t seem too fond of children.

"God dammit, I only did this for the money! If I have to see one more kid sit on my lap, then I'm not sure what I'll do. Now where my Jack Daniels and 10 cent hooker they promised me?"

“God dammit, I only did this for the money! If I have to see one more kid sit on my lap, then I’m not sure what I’ll do. Now where my Jack Daniels and 10 cent hooker they promised me?”

64.By the look of his eyes, this rabbit definitely has a nose candy problem.

Okay, I think this rabbit is just plain terrifying. By the way, despite the kid having a butch haircut, that's definitely a girl because little boys didn't wear puffy sleeves like that in the day.

Okay, I think this rabbit is just plain terrifying, especially where he has his hands. By the way, despite the kid having a butch haircut, that’s definitely a girl because little boys didn’t wear puffy sleeves like that in the day.

65. By the looks of it, you’d think the Easter Bunny was plotting to kill Superman.

Of course, what makes this even more cringe worthy is that George Reeves actually died of a gunshot wound under some mysterious circumstances. But I'm surprised why the Easter Bunny was never a murder suspect.

Of course, what makes this even more cringe worthy is that George Reeves actually died of a gunshot wound under some mysterious circumstances. But I’m surprised why the Easter Bunny was never a murder suspect.

66. “I give you eggs and candy in your Easter basket, you give me booze. Do we have deal?”

Looking at the bunny's face, you can tell he has a serious drinking problem. Maybe he should lay off on the mint juleps for awhile.

Looking at the bunny’s face, you can tell he has a serious drinking problem. Maybe he should lay off on the mint juleps for awhile.

67. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

"That's right, be a good little girl and eat these carrots. Else, you'll make a lovely addition in my rabbit stew and I'm sure you don't want that to happen."

“That’s right, be a good little girl and eat these carrots. Else, you’ll make a lovely addition in my rabbit stew and I’m sure you don’t want that to happen.”

68. Okay, maybe this whole inter-species romance thing isn’t a great idea, especially if one of them is a giant 6 foot rabbit.

While Roger and Jessica Rabbit might make a cute couple, understand that they're cartoons. Such Rabbit and human relations in real life would be quite terrifying according to this. I mean, rabbits were never meant to be sexy.

While Roger and Jessica Rabbit might make a cute couple, understand that they’re cartoons. Such Rabbit and human relations in real life would be quite terrifying according to this. I mean, rabbits were never meant to be sexy.

69. Easter Bunny or old timey villain with a double mustache?

Yeah, I'm sure this bunny doesn't seem like he could go on homicidal warpath and kill a bunch of teenagers. Yeah right.

Yeah, I’m sure this bunny doesn’t seem like he could go on homicidal warpath and kill a bunch of teenagers. Yeah right.

70. Dr. Moreau Pig/Bunny Atrocity Mask? Check!  Costume on backwards? Check! Suspect location? Check! Happy Easter.

Yeah, wearing a bunny costume backwards really doesn't make this bunny less scary. Of course, the mask really inspires a slew of eternal nightmares.

Yeah, wearing a bunny costume backwards really doesn’t make this bunny less scary. Of course, the mask really inspires a slew of eternal nightmares.

71. Of course, since pink is a festive Easter color, maybe pink bunnies aren’t so bad.

I was wrong since this one completely scares the bejesus out of anyone who dares looks into her soulless eyes. Also, I bet the boy probably needs some brown pants by now.

I was wrong since this one completely scares the bejesus out of anyone who dares looks into her soulless eyes. Also, I bet the boy probably needs some brown pants by now.

72. “Go, ahead, kid touch the carrot, will you?”

Oh, hell, no. Please don't, kid. Just don't. I have a bad feeling about this. Seriously, those eyes bear no sense of kindness whatsoever.

Oh, hell, no. Please don’t, kid. Just don’t. I have a bad feeling about this. Seriously, those eyes bear no sense of kindness whatsoever.

73. “Oh, yes, little one, come to me. You will be assimilated.”

Okay, I know this is supposed to depict a sweet, heartwarming moment. But I just can't help but cringe when looking at this. Seriously, that bunny is terrifying.

Okay, I know this is supposed to depict a sweet, heartwarming moment. But I just can’t help but cringe when looking at this. Seriously, that bunny is terrifying.

74. I’m not sure this girl should reach into that Easter basket. Must be desperate for Easter goodies.

Seems like she was a bit desperate. Of course, this is how an Easter Bunny like that would try to ensnare its prey. Yeah, that girl may never be seen again anytime soon.

Seems like she was a bit desperate. Of course, this is how an Easter Bunny like that would try to ensnare its prey. Yeah, that girl may never be seen again anytime soon.

75. Now that looks like a cross between the Easter Bunny and the Abominable Snowman.

Now if it weren't for the long ears, I would've sworn it was some kind of homicidal monster from a children's cartoon of some sort.

Now if it weren’t for the long ears, I would’ve sworn it was some kind of homicidal monster from a children’s cartoon of some sort.

76. They say if you can look into his eyes, you can see the fiery depths of Hell itself.

Either that, or it resembles the Trix Rabbit after he stopped craving cereal and started abusing psychoactive and hallucinogenic drugs like meth, for instance.

Either that, or it resembles the Trix Rabbit after he stopped craving cereal and started abusing psychoactive and hallucinogenic drugs like meth, for instance.

77. For children who prefer their six-foot rabbits more nightmarishly realistic.

Of course, this child is probably going to experience a lifetime of giant bunny nightmares. Yet, I'm not sure whether this one laughs maniacally or not.

Of course, this child is probably going to experience a lifetime of giant bunny nightmares. Yet, I’m not sure whether this one laughs maniacally or not.

78. Of course, many people say that 2 Easter Bunnies are better than one.

Okay, I'm sorry. I was wrong. They're actually quite terrifying. And I'm sure that there's no escape for screaming baby Julie on the lady bunny's laugh.

Okay, I’m sorry. I was wrong. They’re actually quite terrifying. And I’m sure that there’s no escape for screaming baby Julie on the lady bunny’s laugh. Of course, I could see these two laughing maniacally on the whole thing.

79. “The child is mine. All mine. Nah hah hah hah hah.”

I guess this child is beyond hope when it comes to getting away from arms of the fluffy pink and white monstrosity.

I guess this child is beyond hope when it comes to getting away from arms of the fluffy pink and white monstrosity.

80. When not having kids sit on his lap, this Easter Bunny likes to hang out at the club.

I'm not sure why he's a hit with the ladies because that evil, soulless face is more appropriate for a horror movie. Seriously, I really don't like the looks of him.

I’m not sure why he’s a hit with the ladies because that evil, soulless face is more appropriate for a horror movie. Seriously, I really don’t like the looks of him.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear

OldDesignShop_ClapsaddleEasterPurplePC While not a big card exchange holiday like Christmas and Valentine’s Day as well as perhaps Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, there are some people who take part of this tradition which was started in the 19th century. Many of these cards contain a variety of Easter motifs like bunnies, chicks, eggs, crosses, and what not. Of course, as with anything from more than a generation ago, Easter cards also may have a tendency to receive their share of nostalgia since many of them have artistic illustrations attached to them. Now I can go on all about the great vintage Easter greeting cards out there. But I know that would be boring so I’ll show you some Easter cards that would make us ask what the hell our ancestors were thinking or how did they ever think it was a good idea. Some of them might seem creepy by our standards as well as unintentionally funny. So maybe a vintage Easter card of Jesus as a shepherd is probably a better card to send, even if your friends aren’t Christian, compared to this bunch. So without further ado, here are some not so cutesy Easter cards from yesterday.

1. Happy Easter from the hatching Easter baby.

And this is why we need biology class as well as sex education in schools. Seriously, mammals are placental animals that don't lay eggs.

And this is why we need biology class as well as sex education in schools. Seriously, mammals are placental animals that don’t lay eggs.

2. Loving Easter Greetings, now watch what those chicks can do with that rabbit.

Man, it must suck being a rabbit in a chick circus. Seriously, nobody wants to get pussy willow whipped under the big top.

Man, it must suck being a rabbit in a chick circus. Seriously, nobody wants to get pussy willow whipped under the big top.

3. Easter greetings from an unhinged rabbit performance of Wuthering Heights performed from within giant egg.

Honestly, I really don't want to know what's going on there. And for those who know the story of Wuthering Heights, remember Cathy and Heathcliff's screaming dysfunctional relationship doesn't end well.

Honestly, I really don’t want to know what’s going on there. And for those who know the story of Wuthering Heights, remember Cathy and Heathcliff’s screaming dysfunctional relationship doesn’t end well.

4. Happy Easter from some creepy woman in egg holding an egg.

I wonder what kind of drugs these French photographers and card designers were on to produce such crazy cards like these. Maybe absinthe isn't as safe as it's said to be.

I wonder what kind of drugs these French photographers and card designers were on to produce such crazy cards like these. Maybe absinthe isn’t as safe as it’s said to be.

5. Happy Easter from the two cats who decided to paint a hatching egg.

"Sure the egg might've hatched while we were painting it, Joey. But look on the bright side, at least we're having baby rotisserie chicken tonight."

“Sure the egg might’ve hatched while we were painting it, Joey. But look on the bright side, at least we’re having baby rotisserie chicken tonight.”

6. Happy Easter from a German soldier, an Austro-Hungarian infantryman, and the Easter Bunny?

Man, seeing the Easter Bunny hanging out the the Central Powers. Let's hope Santa Claus is on the Allies' side or else a bunch a soldiers are sure going to be disappointed.

Man, seeing the Easter Bunny hanging out the the Central Powers. Let’s hope Santa Claus is on the Allies’ side or else a bunch a soldiers are sure going to be disappointed.

7. Easter greetings from the colorful, egg shell wearing, dancing bunny cult.

Who knew that old fashioned card artists could make bunnies and eggs so terrifying. Could possibly serve as an inspiration for a Donnie Darko poster.

Who knew that old fashioned card artists could make bunnies and eggs so terrifying. Could possibly serve as an inspiration for a Donnie Darko poster.

8. “Okay, Henny Penny, I spared your last chick now repay me by laying your next egg in the frying pan. Breakfast doesn’t cook itself, you know.”

In the world of vintage cards, this is "breakfast." In the world of poultry, this is Sophie's Choice.

In the world of vintage cards, this is “breakfast.” In the world of poultry, this is Sophie’s Choice.

9. Happy Easter this spring from the Easter Puck.

While the Prince of Darkness may inhabit the fiery regions of Hell, he sure does enjoy frolicking among the white daffodils during the spring.

While the Prince of Darkness may inhabit the fiery regions of Hell, he sure does enjoy frolicking among the white daffodils during the spring. Still, don’t want to see this during the Easter egg hunt.

10. Nothing says Easter like a visit from the ghost dad who went to fight on the Western Front.

Hmm...German soldier dad with Kaiser helmet watching over Easter Bunny with his children. Creepy.

Hmm…German soldier dad with Kaiser helmet watching over Easter Bunny with his children. Creepy.

11. Happy Easter from the egg carrying, umbrella wielding chicken lady.

Okay, that's going to give your kid nightmares. Of course, she's about to whack that bunny with her umbrella over the abduction of one of her unborn children.

Okay, that’s going to give your kid nightmares. Of course, she’s about to whack that bunny with her umbrella over the abduction of one of her unborn children.

12. Happy Easter from the chick preying bunny from Hell!

I hate to think what this evil eyed Easter bunny wants to do with this chick. Seems like he's saying, "I have plans for you, goldilocks."

I hate to think what this evil eyed Easter bunny wants to do with this chick. Seems like he’s saying, “I have plans for you, Goldilocks.”

13. An Easter greeting from the bunny regiment and their enslaved chicken.

Yes, I'm sure those eggs are from those the enslaved chicken laid which they're now using as artillery shells. Also, did I tell you that the chicken sort of resembles a rooster?

Yes, I’m sure those eggs are from those the enslaved chicken laid which they’re now using as artillery shells. Also, did I tell you that the chicken sort of resembles a rooster?

14. Easter greetings from the egg that inspired Hannibal Lecter.

How could any card company ever think this illustration is a good idea? I mean it has a picture of an anthropomorphic egg having it's guts eaten out of him.

How could any card company ever think this illustration is a good idea? I mean it has a picture of an anthropomorphic egg having it’s guts eaten out of him.

15. Happy Easter from creepy rabbit girl.

Okay, compared to the Donnie Darko rabbit and this girl in a rabbit costume, the creepy rabbit girl wins every time when it comes to inducing nightmares.

Okay, compared to the Donnie Darko rabbit and this girl in a rabbit costume, the creepy rabbit girl wins every time when it comes to inducing nightmares.

16. “All right, who’s been cracking the eggs in this basket?”

Okay, this card carries some unfortunate implications we need not discuss right now. Of course, those 2 eggs breaking might've been an accident but it's not stopping the chick soldiers from chirping like mad.

Okay, this card carries some unfortunate implications we need not discuss right now. Of course, those 2 eggs breaking might’ve been an accident but it’s not stopping the chick soldiers from chirping like mad.

17. “So remember kids, babies come from giant chicken eggs, okay?”

Do I need to remind anyone why sex ed is required in high schools across America? Seriously, this is fucked up. I mean what the hell was this designer on when he thought up this?

Do I need to remind anyone why sex ed is required in high schools across America? Seriously, this is fucked up. I mean what the hell was this designer on when he thought up this?

18. “By the way, Jimmy, this is a hard egg to crack so we must use hammers.”

Still, I wonder where these girls got their chicken costumes from. Oh, I think I can guess. Oh, my God, that's disturbing! And there the yellow chick sits helplessly by to watch.

Still, I wonder where these girls got their chicken costumes from. Oh, I think I can guess. Oh, my God, that’s disturbing! And there the yellow chick sits helplessly by to watch.

19. “Get off my lawn, you floppy eared, patted food, egg stealing punk, Peter Cottontail!”

Also serves as a great PSA on why we need stricter gun laws. Yep, nothing says Easter like a chick using his God given Second Amendment Right of standing his ground.

Also serves as a great PSA on why we need stricter gun laws. Yep, nothing says Easter like a chick using his God given Second Amendment Right of standing his ground.

20. Apparently, Easter isn’t always welcome in places like the swamp since the frogs and the bees are total bullies.

By the way, are the frogs flinging mud or poo? I can't really be sure. Besides, bees aren't that big unless they've been exposed to radiation, perhaps, but I don't want to think about it.

By the way, are the frogs flinging mud or poo? I can’t really be sure. Besides, bees aren’t that big unless they’ve been exposed to radiation, perhaps, but I don’t want to think about it.

21. “Happy Easter, and remove the ladder please.”

Unfortunately, Billy would drown in an array of egg white and yoke as well as willful negligence from his friends.

Unfortunately, Billy would drown in an array of egg white and yoke as well as willful negligence from his friends.

22. Happy Easter with love from the office chick couple.

Seems like someone in the back isn't happy for these 2 lovebirds and seems like it's contemplating revenge of some sort.

Seems like someone in the back isn’t happy for these 2 lovebirds and seems like it’s contemplating revenge of some sort.

23. Now these two chicks seem to have a nice Easter morning walk.

Okay, now the guy chick is smoking in a suit. The female chick has a bit of her shell attached to her ass. So does that mean she's not long hatched and that there's a bit of sugar daddery going on?

Okay, now the guy chick is smoking in a suit. The female chick has a bit of her shell attached to her ass. So does that mean she’s not long hatched and that there’s a bit of sugar daddery going on?

24. “Here, boy, here’s a lovely Easter egg to give to your mother.”

Remember, kids, don't ever accept Easter eggs from strange rabbits. Seriously, you have no idea what their agenda is. Besides, the kid is creepy.

Remember, kids, don’t ever accept Easter eggs from strange rabbits. Seriously, you have no idea what their agenda is. Besides, the kid is creepy.

25. Good wishes, this Easter, unless you’re the chick in the stew pot.

Now this is quite disturbing. Aren't the other two chicks going to help their friend? Or is the one chick like, "Sorry, but there's a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC."

Now this is quite disturbing. Aren’t the other two chicks going to help their friend? Or is the one chick like, “Sorry, but there’s a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC.”

26. Happy Easter by the creepy gnome painting Easter eggs.

Don't like the look on that guy's face. Also, I have a bad feeling about the chicks surrounding him who seem fatally attracted to the color red for some reason.

Don’t like the look on that guy’s face. Also, I have a bad feeling about the chicks surrounding him who seem fatally attracted to the color red for some reason.

27. “Happy Easter and you can have my Easter eggs if you can pry them from my cold dead hands.”

Would great movie poster. I can see it now. Easter Bunny's Revenge: It's rabbit season, folks, but this time it's man whose the hunted.

Would great movie poster. I can see it now. Easter Bunny’s Revenge: It’s rabbit season, folks, but this time it’s man whose the hunted.

28. Happy Easter and all hail the giant newly hatched chick.

Now I'm not sure why these people have to dance around the chick. Must be some sort of cult ritual before they sacrifice it by setting the nest on fire.

Now I’m not sure why these people have to dance around the chick. Must be some sort of cult ritual before they sacrifice it by setting the nest on fire.

29. Easter greetings from the gnome flower house.

"Come in and make yourself at home. Of course, I'm not going steal your eggs or make you into rabbit stew." I have a bad feeling about this since the gnome is just terrifying.

“Come in and make yourself at home. Of course, I’m not going steal your eggs or make you into rabbit stew.” I have a bad feeling about this since the gnome is just terrifying.

30. In the latest of baby chicken transportation, I know give you the rabbit and egg shell carrier.

The rabbit seems dead inside. Also, I'm sure egg shells are very fragile and don't make good containers. Just saying.

The rabbit seems dead inside. Also, I’m sure egg shells are very fragile and don’t make good containers. Just saying.

31. These rabbits wish you a happy Easter greeting.

And by "greeting," the mean, "we will kill you. Possibly stuff and mount you while we're at it."

And by “greeting,” the mean, “we will kill you. Possibly stuff and mount you while we’re at it.”

32. Happy Easter from the red eyed killer bunnies of infernal doom.

"We're here to eat your cute little chicks or possibly stun you with our laser eyes." Either way, these cute little chicks are going to be nuggets once these bunnies are done with them.

“We’re here to eat your cute little chicks or possibly stun you with our laser eyes.” Either way, these cute little chicks are going to be nuggets once these bunnies are done with them.

33. With best Easter wishes, let’s destroy these multicolored eggs from the nest by dumping them on these birds. It will be fun.

Obviously, whoever illustrated this cared either hated birds or didn't think this one through. Bunch of brats.

Obviously, whoever illustrated this cared either hated birds or didn’t think this one through. Bunch of brats.

34. Celebrate Easter like these two chickies would, getting drunk.

The one with the bottle is destined to become the famed rooster His Royal Majesty Rex Goliath who would reach a whopping 47 pounds as "the World's Largest Rooster" and have a wine company named after him in California.

The one with the bottle is destined to become the famed rooster His Royal Majesty Rex Goliath who would reach a whopping 47 pounds as “the World’s Largest Rooster” and have a wine company named after him in California.

35. “You know these hens don’t just produce great artillery shells. They also are great for transporting cannons.”

Seriously, what's with all this Easter motifs with battle implements? It's like having a card with a picture of a commando Easter Bunny in camo carrying an AK-47! I mean, why?

Seriously, what’s with all this Easter motifs with battle implements? It’s like having a card with a picture of a commando Easter Bunny in camo carrying an AK-47! I mean, why?

36. On Easter, it’s not uncommon to see upright rabbits playing tennis with colored Easter eggs.

"It's a good thing these eggs are hard boiled and covered in latex. Else, we'd have a slimy situation on our hands."

“It’s a good thing these eggs are hard boiled and covered in latex. Else, we’d have a slimy situation on our hands.”

37. Nothing says Easter like a boy putting the moves on a girl in a giant eggshell boat rowed by a rabbit.

I bet this rabbit is like, "Get a room, you two." Still, how old are these kids supposed to be? I mean this is kind of disturbing.

I bet this rabbit is like, “Get a room, you two.” Still, how old are these kids supposed to be? I mean this is kind of disturbing if you ask me.

38. Happy Easter from the whole family.

Okay, now let me get this straight. This family consists of a rabbit dad and chick mom with two rabbit boys and a baby chick. So how does that happen?

Okay, now let me get this straight. This family consists of a rabbit dad and chick mom with two rabbit boys and a baby chick. So how does that happen? I have nothing against depicting inter-species relationships in greeting cards but this is ridiculous.

39. Remember parents, don’t leave your baby unattended with an egg basket. Because small children can easily fall prey to monstrous chicks.

I don't like the look of the three chicks congregating like they're straight out of Goodfellas. Luckily, baby has a pussy willow in hand for self-defense.

I don’t like the look of the three chicks congregating like they’re straight out of Goodfellas. Luckily, baby has a pussy willow in hand for self-defense.

40. Didn’t know that the Easter Bunny traveled on a plane made from pink spring flowers.

I wonder what kind of drugs this illustrator was tripping on to come up with this? Seriously, why does this even exist?

I wonder what kind of drugs this illustrator was tripping on to come up with this? Seriously, why does this even exist?

41. Happy Easter from the naked lady hatching from the giant egg.

Since how does this capture the message of Easter? Seriously, you wonder that such cards of strange women hatching from eggs exist mainly as fanservice. You know, the kind of cards young men would send to their fellow frat brothers.

Since how does this capture the message of Easter? Seriously, you wonder that such cards of strange women hatching from eggs exist mainly as fanservice. You know, the kind of cards young men would send to their fellow frat brothers.

42. Happy Easter from the Easter egg girl.

Seriously, I'm at a loss for words with this one. Also, I don't think that little girl's dress is appropriate attire either. I mean, why?

Seriously, I’m at a loss for words with this one. Also, I don’t think that little girl’s dress is appropriate attire either. I mean, why?

43. Easter greetings from the chickies and the boy who’s about to kill their newly hatched friend with a paddle.

I don't know about you but I think the chicks need to clear out right now because there's a paddle wielding boy with murder on the mind.

I don’t know about you but I think the chicks need to clear out right now because there’s a paddle wielding boy with murder on the mind.

44. Nothing says Easter like a newly hatched babe in the river.

Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don't emerge from eggs! Seriously, why?

Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don’t emerge from eggs! Else, Sports Illustrated and Playboy would’ve started their own egg hatching programs. Seriously, why?

45. Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on its-Holy shit, is that blood in that bucket?

Seems like Peter Cottontail murdered his boss and is now gleefully painting the town with his blood, literally. What a sadistic, homicidal rabbit.

Seems like Peter Cottontail murdered his boss and is now gleefully painting the town with his blood, literally. What a sadistic, homicidal rabbit.

Personal Ads Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

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Whether it be on Craigslist or the newspaper classifieds, personal ads have served as a way for people to meet one another for dates. Some do personal ads since they may not know people in the area or live in places with a small dating pool such as gays and those who probably dated everyone in town who’s not married as well as too old to be their child but too young to be their parents. Others want to meet people but don’t want it to be known in their public life. Of course, we all have reasons for seeking dates this way whether it be looking for a spouse or just a one night stand. Some people who put out personal ads may already be married and just looking to either swing or have a little on the side. Still, not all personal ads pertain to necessarily dating but plenty of them do, at least those we tend to make fun of. They usually include a description of the person and their interests. Those who are interested contact the person posting either through listed information or a forwarding service. Nevertheless, though some may post photos, the person posting it usually does it anonymously. Now I can go on and on about the great personal ads I’ve seen but that’s limited and I’m not sure if I want to resort to that when I have internet dating (but I’m far more interested in trying to establish myself as a writer and get a long term steady job that’ll get me out of my parents home, though I will take exceptions if the right guy comes along). Instead, I’ll post some of the more unusual and funny personal ads of people you may or may not want to date. Some of these may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some personal ads to laugh at this Valentine’s Day season.

1. While some try to make sure the message fits the ad, this one took two placements to get his message across.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

2. Some guys put themselves out there on the dating scene with the local classifieds. Some do it with Craigslist and online dating. But this guy does it with an entire billboard.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he's probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn't date this guy since he's a returned missionary (since I'm Catholic, it's a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he’s probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn’t date this guy since he’s a returned missionary (since I’m Catholic, it’s a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

3. When a female farmer is looking for a man, she does her own personal ad with a tractor.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn't even involved in a long distance relationship either.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn’t even involved in a long distance relationship either.

4. I’m sure this ad is only honest when you read lines 1, 3, and 5. Pervert.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: "A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious." Yeah, he's not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: “A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious.” Yeah, he’s not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

5. While some may long for a companion, others want someone to satisfy their particular uh, fetishes.

I can't believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I'm not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn't a carnie and I'm not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

I can’t believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I’m not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn’t a carnie and I’m not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

6. Of course, it’s not always the young who seek just to hook up with during a one night stand.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he's above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I'm not surprised that he's looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn't have a lot of people living there to begin with.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he’s above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I’m not surprised that he’s looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn’t have a lot of people living there to begin with.

7. So that’s how Kermit met Piggy. Wait, I’ve seen The Muppet Movie and I’m pretty sure they met in person.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

8. Basically this ad says: “Go out with me because I spent $340 on this ad though I can’t pay for your dinner.”

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom.  Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he's 6'1," 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom. Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he’s 6’1,” 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

9. Sometimes in personal ads, you find guys who have impossible standards.

Sorry, dude, but I think it's time to lower your standards. For God's sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don't want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

Sorry, dude, but I think it’s time to lower your standards. For God’s sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don’t want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

10. 33 year old male seeks meeting and boning women and couples as well as form or join a sex club.

It's kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren't the only ones believing in free love at the time.

It’s kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren’t the only ones believing in free love at the time.

11. Wanted: Women for our swingers club because we’re executives and there aren’t man women among us because it’s the 1960s.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they're not picky since they'll even take gay divorcees, yet I'm not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they’re not picky since they’ll even take gay divorcees, yet I’m not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

12. Now personal ads don’t always have to be about getting dates. This woman just wants her purse back.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she's seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she’s seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

13. Some people find that personal ads sometimes make them express their poetic inclinations.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who's possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can't get her back, he'd settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who’s possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can’t get her back, he’d settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

14. Now this is what I call a dirty old man who may a possible candidate for John Boehner’s biological father.

Yes, he has the Boehner "Groot" tan we all remember from the House Speaker's appearance during Obama's last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there's a good chance his tan is natural.

Yes, he has the Boehner “Groot” tan we all remember from the House Speaker’s appearance during Obama’s last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there’s a good chance his tan is natural.

15. Young educated Frenchman seeks rich older woman in the 19th century. I wonder what’s this for?

I don't know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn't have to include the word, "wealth" right?

I don’t know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn’t have to include the word, “wealth” right?

16. Sometimes there are some people who post personal ads who really shouldn’t, like married people or priests.

I almost didn't post this but I had to since it's just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn't really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman's sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he's probably not a real priest if he's Catholic. If not, then someone's about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

I almost didn’t post this but I had to since it’s just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn’t really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman’s sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he’s probably not a real priest if he’s Catholic. If not, then someone’s about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

17. Sometimes it’s love at first sight. Other times, at first smell.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that's too much.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that’s too much.

18. Of course, you’d find a lot of divorced people posting personal ads but I’m not sure if this woman is ready to move on yet.

From what I've read in this ad, it's very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she's certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she's upset about her husband's cheating but still.

From what I’ve read in this ad, it’s very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she’s certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she’s upset about her husband’s cheating but still.

19. 35 year old engineer seeks woman to marry so he can get ahead in his business.

Man, seems like engineers haven't changed much since the 1920s. Who's to bet that he's the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps.

Man, seems like engineers haven’t changed much since the 1920s. Who’s to bet that he’s the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps. Also, the bank reference bit suggests, “gold digger.”

20. Two guys request two women to live happily ever after with-in the closet.

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don't have a gay friendly boss. Still, I'm not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of "fun."

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don’t have a gay friendly boss. Still, I’m not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of “fun.”

21. Now this guy certainly has his mojo rising.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison's personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27.  It doesn't look good, ladies. And you don't want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison’s personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27. It doesn’t look good, ladies. And you don’t want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

22. Of course, while some guys put out personal ads for hos, some try to get bros to do, you know, guy stuff.

Now I got to wonder about this guy's sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he's trying to prove he's not light in the loafers by engaging in "manly" pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bowhunting together and they're husband and wife.

Now I got to wonder about this guy’s sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he’s trying to prove he’s not light in the loafers by engaging in “manly” pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bow hunting together and they’re husband and wife.

23. Middle aged man seeks wife, no pretty rich bitches please!

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you'd expect a guy like Jane Eyre's Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, "Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife."

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you’d expect a guy like Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, “Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife.”

24. Young beautiful woman seeks attractive sugar daddy.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a "gold digger." Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c'mon, she's looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn't mention whether he has to be single.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a “gold digger.” Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c’mon, she’s looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn’t mention whether he has to be single.

25. Single mom-to-be seeks stepfather because baby daddy is behind bars.

I'm sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else's baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid's mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

I’m sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else’s baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid’s mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

26. Handsome Italian businessman seeking lifelong companion to give up everything and join him in an undisclosed location.

Now I don't want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I'm not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an "Italian businessman entering witness protection" you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

Now I don’t want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I’m not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an “Italian businessman entering witness protection” you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

27. Homeless musician seeks vulnerable runaway who’s at least 18.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn't a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let's hope he's at least under 30.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn’t a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let’s hope he’s at least under 30.

28. Single man seeks woman so he can enjoy a threesome with his furniture.

I'm sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I'm sure he wouldn't post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

I’m sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I’m sure he wouldn’t post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

29. Farmer seeks housekeeper and possible girlfriend.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can't help himself with "mate" as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can’t help himself with “mate” as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull or other animal.

30. Unemployed screenwriter in this 50s seeks 20 some blond girl as muse. Oh, she’s paying for her own dinner.

Hmmm....this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since  he fits the guy's description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include "under suspicion of murder" and "has major anger issues."

Hmmm….this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since he fits the guy’s description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include “under suspicion of murder” and “has major anger issues.”

31. Sometimes you can tell what a man does just by the way he describes himself.

This man is a mechanic since he's describing himself like he's a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it's no surprise he's a senior citizen who's had parts replaced.

This man is a mechanic since he’s describing himself like he’s a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it’s no surprise he’s a senior citizen who’s had parts replaced.

32. From how I read this, I guess this is a manga/anime nerd with a Japanese fetish.

By the way, endmame is preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I'm not sure of what to make with "samurai sensuality" which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong.

By the way, edamame is an Asian preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I’m not sure of what to make with “samurai sensuality” which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong. Then again, I’m not sure if this person knows what “edamame” or “bento box” mean.

33. Single male seeks single woman to entertain at kiddie birthday party?

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid's birthday party, I'm sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won't admit it.

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid’s birthday party, I’m sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won’t admit it.

34. For those seeking a good Christian man and an open marriage, you can’t do better than this guy ladies.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn't too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn’t too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

35. Of course, some people like to post personal ads just to say how much they miss their ex or not.

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what's with people these days?

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what’s with people these days?

36. Well, when you hit a certain age, sometimes you have to be honest in your expectations.

Yeah, when you're a 69 year old woman, you really can't ask for fit and handsome, can you?

Yeah, when you’re a 69 year old woman, you really can’t ask for fit and handsome, can you? Of course, she’s probably honest about the low energy lifestyle since she’s overweight and likes to eat.

37. Be wary of the personal ad by those seeking forbidden fruit.

Let's see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

Let’s see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

38. When it comes to the rebound, some people just don’t know when they should start dating again.

Seems like Jim Stone isn't quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

Seems like Jim Stone isn’t quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

39. Some people think personal ads are beneath their dignity, others not so much.

Seems like this woman isn't afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

Seems like this woman isn’t afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

40. Some people can also use personal ads for not just getting a date but also seeking employment or shelter.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/giggolo. Now I haven't heard that before.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/gigolo. Now I haven’t heard that before.

41. Of course, unrealistic expectations don’t always have to pertain to looks.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That's kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper's personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That’s kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper’s personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off on The Big Bang Theory.

42. Of course, it’s not single men who posts personals in the paper.

Ladies, remember when a guy's personal ad contains the word, "mistress" understand that he's married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won't leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

Ladies, remember when a guy’s personal ad contains the word, “mistress” understand that he’s married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won’t leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

43.Of course, there are some things happen in Vegas, that should stay in Vegas.

Man, whoever "Ann" is, seems like she'll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don't know what to make of the guy's picture. But at least he's smart enough to include it.

Man, whoever “Ann” is, seems like she’ll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don’t know what to make of the guy’s picture. But at least he’s smart enough to include it.

44. We all know that looks shouldn’t matter but some guys just can’t resist.

Basically this guy is saying to women, "I don't care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I'm not picky since I didn't specify race, color, creed or hair color." Well, he's probably the most open minded guy you'd see---at a Victora's Secret fashion show!

Basically this guy is saying to women, “I don’t care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I’m not picky since I didn’t specify race, color, creed or hair color.” Well, he’s probably the most open minded guy you’d see—at a Victora’s Secret fashion show!

45. Now when it comes to personal ads, it’s important that you’d be a nonsmoker to some, most of the time.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a "nonsmoker" is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I've seen in my life use them.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a “nonsmoker” is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I’ve seen in my life use them.

46. Crazy Christian lady seeks good Christian man.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can't help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don't think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can’t help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don’t think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

47. Middle aged man seeks guy to hang out with him, play with trains and mutual touching. But is totally not gay.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he's totally in the closet as far as I'm concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he’s totally in the closet as far as I’m concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

48. Even muppets can have personal ads. This is Snuffy’s.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I'll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I’ll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

49. While some people have impossible relationship standards, others can’t raise their standards high enough.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the "you" description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the “you” description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

50. When it comes to sexual harassment, sometimes people just take it a little bit to extreme.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I'm not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I’m not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

51. There’s nothing like a personal ad that says, “I’m turned off by your sarcasm and indifference but if you still want me, I’ll buy an extra ticket to Europe.”

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he's just not into you. Then again, you're probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he’s just not into you. Then again, you’re probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

52. Go back in time with me, and bring your own weapons.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money. Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn't a joke. Says he's done this before and safety isn't guaranteed. Verdict: Must be nuts.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money.
Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn’t a joke. Says he’s done this before and safety isn’t guaranteed.
Verdict: Must be nuts.

53. Sometimes I can’t tell whether this guy is looking for a woman or a piece of meat.

I'm sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don't know what he means by that.

I’m sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don’t know what he means by that.

54. Some people do personal ads just to know where they stand, sexually.

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what's the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what’s the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

55. When it comes to the perfect woman, some already know what they’re looking for.

I bet "H. M. C." stands for "the Honorable Matthew Crawley." I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

I bet “H. M. C.” stands for “the Honorable Matthew Crawley.” I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

56. Some guys have impossible standards, others have enormous egos.

Now if a guy says he's a perfect human specimen, you know he's full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

Now if a guy says he’s a perfect human specimen, you know he’s full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

57. Man seeks German woman with bookkeeping skills and titanic Teutonic titties.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

58. Charge up and jerk off with this guy.

Okay, this guy doesn't look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let's just say he won't be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

Okay, this guy doesn’t look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let’s just say he won’t be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

59. Divorced cat lady wants to ride a blue balled man’s ivory tower.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she's been divorced.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she’s been divorced.

60. Social climber seeks friend to score middle aged rich men.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

61. Snob seeks hipster to have dinner and complain about eating shitty restaurant food.

Of course, seeing the word, "white" on this doesn't make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I'm not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they're totally different things.

Of course, seeing the word, “white” on this doesn’t make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I’m not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they’re totally different things.

62. Ang Lee fan seeks camping and fishing buddy. Must be married and not act gay.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

63. Chess champ seeks queenside for special endgame.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn't just get his kicks above the waistline, baby. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn’t just get his kicks above the waistline, sunshine. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

64. Single woman wants man to buy her a drink, and no alcoholics please.

Something tells me that she's been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn't be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don't realize they have a drinking problem.

Something tells me that she’s been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don’t realize they have a drinking problem.

65. This guy has everything a woman wants, save one testicle.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn't be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he's Lance Armstrong.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn’t be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he’s Lance Armstrong.

66. You know a guy is behind the times when he mentions “payphone” and “beeper” in his personal ad.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he's still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn't have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that's only used by doctors these days.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he’s still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn’t have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that’s only used by doctors these days.

67. Sugar daddy seeks college girl. Will pay for everything.

This guy may be a pig, but he's not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I'm not that desperate.

This guy may be a pig, but he’s not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I’m not that desperate.

68. 33 year old man seeks lady that smells like strawberry air freshener.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

69. Of course, it’s hard for people to make it in the dating world, especially if they have STDs.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don't know "420" is marijuana.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don’t know “420” is marijuana.

70. Miniature stallion breeder seeks mare to ride on.

I'm sure "miniature" just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he's looking for.

I’m sure “miniature” just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he’s looking for.

71. Woman wanted for excursion on taco truck and maybe a little tongue.

By the way, "lengua" is Spanish for tongue and it's used to refer to "beef tongue." Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don't. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

By the way, “lengua” is Spanish for tongue and it’s used to refer to “beef tongue.” Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don’t. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

72. In some cases, there are guys who think bigger is better.

I don't know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who's probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

I don’t know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who’s probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

73. Seems like a lot of Amazons want to swing from Tarzan’s big vine these days, figuratively speaking.

Of course, anyone who's seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they're from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

Of course, anyone who’s seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they’re from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

74. Perverted reclusive dirty old movie star seeks Chinese girl but has Japanese fetish.

For God's sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can't tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America.  Still, this guy's kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn't much of a new leaf for him.

For God’s sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can’t tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America. Still, this guy’s kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn’t much of a new leaf for him.

75. Guy in track suit bottoms seeks girl in pajamas with possible substance issues.

I don't know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, "gorgeous" doesn't enter my mind. Also, I don't want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don't want to know.

I don’t know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, “gorgeous” doesn’t enter my mind. Also, I don’t want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don’t want to know.

76. Internet dating? That’s for creeps. Real men use flyers to put themselves out there.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, "tacos." Also "blue rays" has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don't know who this guy is but he's not scoring points with English teachers.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, “tacos.” Also “blue rays” has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don’t know who this guy is but he’s not scoring points with English teachers.

77. For the handsome Game of Thrones fan, this New Orleans woman just might be the girl of your dreams.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn't want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn't want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That's like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child's birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn't request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn’t want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn’t want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That’s like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child’s birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn’t request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

78. Even homeless guys might want to look for love some time, sort of.

Of course, this guy isn't really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, "Bubbles" from The Wire.

Of course, this guy isn’t really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, “Bubbles” from The Wire.

79. Trailer man seeks woman just so he can pay the bills.

Actually, he's only seeking a "girlfriend" because he can't seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can't have a cat. Of course, I'm not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

Actually, he’s only seeking a “girlfriend” because he can’t seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can’t have a cat. Of course, I’m not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

80. Web slinging Spiderman seeks bondage buddy, but not in a gay way, please.

I don't know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

I don’t know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Second Edition)

Vintage-Valentine-3

Since I posted my last vintage Valentines post last year in January, it’s become one of my most popular blog posts ever with 1,517 views and over 40 shares on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. I especially get a lot of views for this post around Valentine’s Day for obvious reasons. Well, for those who loved my last bunch of vintage Valentines, there’s a lot more where that came from. Whether they be racist, sexist, offensive, or somewhat carry unfortunate implications. Many of these vintage greeting cards may make you wonder why people would send these to each other or even their sweethearts. Sometimes they make you wish you can send them to your classmates while in elementary school. Some might have seen as a good idea at the time to the designer but seem to carry unfortunate implications by today’s standards. So without further adieu, here are some more of the wonderful vintage Valentines from yesterday.

1. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a fly telling you to stick around or catch on.

Or from the fly's perspective, "Fly on this tape you'll be stuck on forever and die."

Or from the fly’s perspective, “Fly on this tape you’ll be stuck on forever and die.” How romantic!

2. Of course, there’s nothing more romantic place on Valentine’s Day than a butcher shop.

Now I'm not sure if I'm creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I'm not sure if "I'd like to meat you, valentine," is a cute message or a way to tell them you're a cannibal.

Now I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I’m not sure if “I’d like to meat you, valentine,” is a cute message or a way to tell them you’re a cannibal.

3. Say that you’ll never be false to your valentine by sending them a card with a set of dentures.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you'll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that's disgusting.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you’ll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that’s disgusting.

4. For Valentine’s Day assure that your heart only pants for only them by sending them a valentine with bloomers.

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, "pants" means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, “pants” means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a cat telling you that she’ll be your sweetie pie if you make the dough.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

6. Of course, there’s nothing like a valentine from a sweetheart saying that he’s not being exclusive.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I'd be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I’d be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a card depicting an adorable rendering of every parents’ worst nightmare.

Seriously, this is a child for God's sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

Seriously, this is a child for God’s sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

8. Of course, you can’t say “I love you” without saying how you’d go for them in a big way.

Of course, I'm not sure if I'd want a guy saying he's in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he's seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

Of course, I’m not sure if I’d want a guy saying he’s in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he’s seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

9. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than having a boy seize a girl’s eyes and mouth from behind.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn't careful enough.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn’t careful enough.

10. Happy Valentine’s Day from Popeye the Sailor Man.

Okay, that's a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn't know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason.

Okay, that’s a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn’t know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason. Also the girl is totally not Olive Oyl by any means.

11. Nothing says you need to thaw out like a Valentine depicting a girl in the refrigerator.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would've been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would’ve been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

12. When searching for a girlfriend, it’s best that you go dressed in a matching checkered deer stalker cap and tweed with orange as well as a deer hunting rifle. Seriously, for some men, finding a girlfriend is like deer hunting.

Apparently, this card's designer hasn't read "The Most Dangerous Game." It's about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

Apparently, this card’s designer hasn’t read “The Most Dangerous Game.” It’s about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

13. Of course, what better valentine to send your sweetheart than one depicting kids on the playground.

Is it just me or does this valentine's message seem apparently dirty? I don't know but I have a feeling, "mount" doesn't really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

Is it just me or does this valentine’s message seem apparently dirty? I don’t know but I have a feeling, “mount” doesn’t really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

14. Of course, nothing can be more adorable on Valentine’s Day than a cute angel building a snowman.

What I don't get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

What I don’t get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

15. Happy Valentine’s Day by some person of indeterminate gender and his or her cat/dog hybrid pet in the dog house.

Now what I don't understand is the message, "Sweetheart dear, I'm in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-" oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn't it? It's even dirtier if you or your valentine's British since "pants" means what you wear under your trousers.

Now what I don’t understand is the message, “Sweetheart dear, I’m in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-” oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn’t it? It’s even dirtier if you or your valentine’s British since “pants” means what you wear under your trousers.

16. Happy Valentine’s Day from flapper fish but don’t ask me how she uses her fins.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can't breathe outside water and fire can't survive in water. So how's that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don't ask me.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can’t breathe outside water and fire can’t survive in water. So how’s that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don’t ask me.

17. There’s no better occasion than Valentine’s Day to tell your loved one how much you hate Asian people and that you can’t keep it in your pants.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I'm being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst since this screams racism. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I’m being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

18. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than offensively mocking Native Americans with demeaning stereotypes.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team's name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It's offensive.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team’s name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It’s offensive like this Valentine of these kids thinking that Indians practice human sacrifice.

19. A valentine depicting a beaver carving a heart. Don’t see what can go wrong with that?

Of course, anyone who's over a certain age knows what "beaver" also pertain to. It's even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

Of course, anyone who’s over a certain age knows what “beaver” also pertain to. It’s even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

20. Of course, there’s nothing like some hotdogs on the fire during Valentine’s Day.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog's face.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog’s face.

21. Nothing makes a more romantic valentine than one of a pirate threatening to kidnap you.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it. Seriously, abduction for love is a thing and it’s not pretty.

22. Be my valentine or this means war.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can't refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn't okay in the least. What's wrong with, "I'll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?" Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can’t refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn’t okay in the least. What’s wrong with, “I’ll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?” Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

23. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a valentine of a lonely dog about to shoot himself.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? "Be my valentine or I'm going to shoot myself?" If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? “Be my valentine or I’m going to shoot myself?” If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

24. Be my valentine or I’ll murder you, burn your body, and put your ashes in the trash can.

It's not what's in the trash can, it's who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can gives you a clue.

It’s not what’s in the trash can, it’s who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can of ashes gives you a clue.

25. Happy Valentine’s Day from Ronald McDonald.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he's always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he's about to haunt you in your dreams.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he’s always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he’s about to haunt your dreams. Hope you love therapy.

26. Give me a kiss and I won’t bite your head off.

Of course, this doesn't help that the wolf looks as if it's ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It's pretty terrifying if you ask me.

Of course, this doesn’t help that the wolf looks as if it’s ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It’s pretty terrifying if you ask me.

27. Aw, a cat licking some little kid clean, what can possibly go wrong with that?

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

28. This sailor has a cannon only loaded with love for you, valentine.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn't recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy's legs. This sort of makes the "loaded only with love for you, valentine" seem a quite inappropriate, indeed.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn’t recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy’s legs. This sort of makes the “loaded only with love for you, valentine” have a whole new dirty meaning.

29. Happy Valentine’s Day and I’ll ski into your heart whether you like it or not.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she's gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That's not cute, it's scary.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she’s gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That’s not cute, it’s scary.

30. Be my valentine or I’ll send my duck billed crocodile after you.

Doesn't help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don't know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don't have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn't look so good.

Doesn’t help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don’t know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn’t look so good.

31. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than two hot dogs in love.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don't want to know what's more. Seriously, this valentine's designer must've been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don’t want to know what’s more. Seriously, this valentine’s designer must’ve been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

32. Happy Valentine’s Day from psycho pig.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he'll make sure you're as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he’ll make sure you’re as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

33. Don’t be a dummy and be my valentine.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a crazy mouse caught in a trap.

I don't know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

I don’t know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

35. Be my valentine and let’s be cuffed together for all eternity.

What's this? Our grandparents' BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

What’s this? Our grandparents’ BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

36. Be my valentine or I’ll blow my top if you say no. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I'm not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don't seem like they're up to any good.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I’m not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don’t seem like they’re up to any good.

37. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than cruelty to animals.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I'm sure the cat's not liking it. Still, this girl is like, "I'll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever." Giggle, giggle.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I’m sure the cat’s not liking it. Still, this girl is like, “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Giggle, giggle.

38. Be my valentine and I won’t be the fish that got away.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let's hope this fish isn't out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let’s hope this fish isn’t out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

39. Valentine, you are the apple of my eye.

Let's hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don't ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people's heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

Let’s hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don’t ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people’s heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

40. Valentine, even if you’d toss my love aside like Bluebeard, I’d still want you.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it's not like he just leaves them.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from medieval European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it’s not like he just leaves them.

41. Must I hammer it in until you be my valentine?

I don't know about you but, isn't hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I'm just saying.

I don’t know about you but, isn’t hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I’m just saying.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy in your drink.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it's pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it's just a very big glass to begin with.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it’s pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it’s just a very big glass to begin with.

43. When it comes to the chase, some give up, some persist before they get the hint or restraining, and some keep trying beyond the grave.

Billy may be dead but he's still determined to win Karen's heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn't had a good night sleep since.

Billy may be dead but he’s still determined to win Karen’s heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn’t had a good night sleep since.

44. Surrender and be my prisoner er-I mean valentine. That’s it.

Of course, this would've been quite different if she didn't come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

Of course, this would’ve been quite different if she didn’t come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from your neighborhood 1950s diner that hires the ugly people.

Basically this is Miss Frizzle before she had the magic school bus. Of course, she went through a very awkward phase in high school and really didn't go out much with boys for obvious reasons.

Basically this is Lady Elaine back when she was working at the neighborhood of Make Believe diner and malt shop during the 1950s before it went out of business. Yes, she was going through a very awkward phase in high school.

46. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than some hot condiment on hotdog action. This time, it’s the pickle jar’s turn.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

47. You’re unusual, valentine, like the bearded lady.

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn't be happy at all. I mean if you're a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying "you're ugly."

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn’t be happy at all. I mean if you’re a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying “you’re ugly.”

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your generic horror movie monster whatever it is.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine's Day isn't your holiday.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t your holiday.

49. Be my valentine, sunshine, or I’ll kill you.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don't mess with this dame here.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don’t mess with this dame here.

50. Your eyes are brown like the harsh tobacco I inhale through too packs a day, which kills 1/3 of its users each year and is slowly killing me.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she's like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she's bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can't seem to quit her.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she’s like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she’s bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can’t seem to quit her. And if he’s with her long enough he’ll spend his last days slowly dying of cancer in the hospital if the heart attack doesn’t kill him first.